Admission & Distraction

"I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Oh, Gojyo."

"Seriously!" Gojyo asserts, holding up his hands as if to defend himself and his statement at the same time. He gestures with his head up the stairs. "Yay for monkey-boy and all, but…if I have to see those two kissing…no thank you. There was some definite tongue action there, Hakkai. On Sanzo. Sanzo. I could honestly hurl…"

Hakkai shakes his head and laughs, amused through and through by his dear friend's completely real queasiness over the issue. "In all seriousness now," the healer says, "You wouldn't want to contradict yourself, would you? You have been rather supportive of Goku's conquest thus far."

"And I still am" Gojyo assures his friend, giving a firm nod. "I think the monkey's crazy and that Sanzo isn't even close to deserving him for what a prick he is, but…love doesn't really care for shit like that, does it? If Goku loves Sanzo and manages to win him over, so be it. Good for them. The whole kissing thing though…that'll take some getting used to."

An unconscious blush rises to Hakkai's cheeks. "Yes…it does…take some getting used to."

Gojyo does not need to ask if Hakkai is still speaking of the monk and monkey. He tosses his companion a sideways smirk, easy and unassuming as if to say, 'yeah, I know just what you mean.'

By now Kougaiji has slipped up the stairs, presumably to then slip out the front door and leave Koryuu and the older Goku alone. Gojyo and Hakkai passed him a few parting glances but have decided to remain in the basement for now. There is no telling what kind of heated words are passing between their companions upstairs after all, and the last thing they want is to interrupt.

The basement is unfortunately filled with only a few scattered boxes, nothing to sit on or help pass the time. The cleanest and most dust free of the walls is the one bearing the chains, so Hakkai makes an executive decision and goes to sit down with his back against it. Thankfully, the chains hang high enough and to the side so that they do not get in the way of him leaning back. Gojyo soon joins him.

Side by side the pair sits in comfortable silence for a few minutes, close enough on the floor for their shoulders to just barely touch. The slight darkness of the cellar is even less apparent now since their eyes have adjusted. It is a small room but not at all imposing even for all the dust. Having spent many nights on the cold ground, no surroundings are really unaccommodating for them anymore.

Gojyo's hand twitches at his side. He feels like a teenager again, his mind filling with apprehensions and second-guesses by being so close to his current infatuation.

'What should I do?' 'What should I say?' 'Would it be too soon to hold his hand again?' 'Do I dare ask for a kiss?' 'Should I say I love him?' 'Should I ask if he loves me?' 'Should I just shut up and stop worrying so much?'

Choosing the latter Gojyo almost chuckles aloud, feeling quite foolish. He decides he will go for something mildly bold and reaches his twitching hand across the floor to take Hakkai's. Feeling an instant response has his stomach flipping and again he is reminded of teenage butterflies. But he had never been that timid or nervous as a teenager really. This new feeling is more pronounced, more potent.

And far more exciting.

"We haven't really…talked, ya know?" Gojyo says, eyes downcast with a little smile tugging like a nervous habit at his lips. He feels Hakkai's hand twitch in his. "I'd like to think those kisses yesterday weren't meant to say, 'no thank you, Gojyo,' so…does this mean…you…you're…umm…"

"Starting to see things your way?"

Gojyo could kiss Hakkai purely for rescuing his sentence. Crimson eyes lift, turning to find emerald already looking kindly back at them. "Yeah…something like that."

There is a smile on Hakkai's lips, and it is indeed genuine, but Gojyo is observant enough to see a familiar sadness still saturating that beloved green, tainting how the smile wants so dearly to reach Hakkai's eyes.

Gojyo could almost fear rejection then, but he doesn't. Though he can see sadness and even a little fear, he can see the desire to overcome all that too. He has thought it before and will again; he is an expert at Hakkai-watching. He can see the gears working overtime in the brunette's head, but if he is seeing things as clearly as he thinks he is then it seems those gears are working in his favor.

"Gojyo…" Hakkai starts, his voice dimmer now, like a whisper in the quiet of the room. Hakkai squeezes Gojyo's hand tightly as if to gain and give assurance all at once. "It could never be easy for me to love again. I assumed I never would, after all. But…I would be the worst kind of hypocrite to turn you down. All of us have…done things…lost loved ones…been through so much of the same, sometimes side by side. If you do not see my hands as stained…if you can still…love me…despite all the demons--the one inside me included," he adds, his smile quivering as if it might fall, though he holds it steady, "If despite all that you can still love me…then…I would be a fool to think I am undeserving of it."

Glances and little kisses had been wonderful signs of Hakkai's true feelings, but to hear these words…Gojyo wonders if he might sprout wings and fly. "This is so crazy." he laughs, his smile wide enough to take up half his face. He lifts his and Hakkai's interlocked hands, pulling them tight to his chest, and leans forward. "So crazy…I'd be happy never being sane again."

Hakkai echoes that laugh, the motion in it jolting him forward enough for their noses to bump, and soon both are laughing, more loudly and freely than before. Their foreheads fall to rest against one another, the breaths from their laughing lips passing between them until the closeness is too much of a tease not to act upon.

Their kiss is still gentle and light, politely exploring even when their mouths open just enough for tongues to do further exploring yet, meeting around the remnants of laughter. There is no fear or sadness. There is only the simple thrill of what might come, even if it is a risk, even if it makes the journey more difficult. After tasting the beauty of emotion between them, to deny how they feel would be a million times worse. They have admitted their desires and have happily succumb to them. There will be time enough for further exploration of what this new intimacy between them can bring, but as their kisses still, hands interlocked and tight, they are content to merely sit.

The only anxiety left in them is the faint wondering over whether or not Goku and Sanzo will be able to overcome the last few hurdles as they have.

-----

Sanzo grabs Goku's wrist more roughly than necessary, but believes he is perfectly justified as he jerks the boy around and glowers into the somewhat startled golden eyes looking up at him. They do not remain startled for long, turning quickly confident and defensive. This only increases Sanzo's indignation over the whole thing because he is sick and tired of Goku challenging him with every look and gesture. The monkey used to do everything he could to please his master--'used to' being the important distinction.

Not that Sanzo has ever wanted Goku to be his servant. He told the boy as much and he meant it. But he still does not like this total change, this shift into someone who is too grown up and too willing to speak truths Sanzo is not able to face.

They stare each other down, both daring the other to speak first, gold and violet eyes equally angry and determined.

In the living room with them, Koryuu has laid the older Goku on the couch, who is waking now as he sits up, surprised to find his lover with him. Their conversation is drowned out, however, by the tumultuous din passing silently between Sanzo and Goku. Perhaps the older Goku is apologizing, perhaps Koryuu is being soothing and understanding, perhaps they are reaching a compromise they have never quite had before. But it doesn't matter. Even when the front door quietly shuts, signaling Kougaiji's departure, even when Koryuu and the older Goku are sitting closer on the couch, talking in more hushed tones, none of these things register.

Finally, the younger Goku, wrist still held tight in Sanzo's closed fist, gives a mighty tug and pulls himself free. He turns away from his keeper and stalks off into the bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him. Since Sanzo's brain is not even remotely functioning at normal, he immediately follows.

When the bedroom door shuts behind Sanzo's entrance, nothing has changed. The animosity rising between them is still present as Goku faces Sanzo in front of the closed door. Half wondering if he should just sock Sanzo right now or kiss him again, Goku opens his mouth to speak.

"Just shut up." Sanzo says, silencing Goku before the boy can even begin. "I don't want to hear another word from you. You…how dare you think you can--"

"What?" Goku breaks in, his voice an odd little growl as if his limiter has been removed. "How dare I kiss you? How dare I do it in front of Gojyo and Hakkai? No, wait. Lemme guess. How dare I love you…right?"

The sneer in Goku's last words lingers lewdly on his lips, reminding Sanzo yet again that he is no longer dealing with the same monkey he once saved. "You brat, don't you even…start." he says, and though his words are hesitant, his gaze is succeeding admirably at remaining steady. He stalks forward, meaning to get right in Goku's face if only to prove he has not lost all of the upper hand. "You think you understand everything. Maybe I do worry over that damn circlet on your head. You want me to admit it? I admit it! But worrying doesn't mean what you think it does. It doesn't make me him."

"I don't want him!" Goku's words come quickly, angry but desperate to be spoken, almost appalled at having to be spoken at all. A single step forward brings him and Sanzo only inches apart. "I want you. I get that. I accept it. Why can't you? Why can't you just admit I mean something to you!" This last part is yelled so forcefully, it nearly has Sanzo stepping back.

The monk's anger does not leave him but it dulls, and even though his voice is tight and strained, he says his next words with rare control. "You are not nothing to me." he says, brow still fiercely knit. "You blame me for treating you like you mean nothing to me, but I don't. You're not nothing. Why can't that be enough for you…?"

For Goku's part, the anger in him does leave. It drips away in slow, even drops until only sorrow remains, staring up at Sanzo as if the boy might break down in tears. "Not nothing…and that's supposed to be enough?"

Sanzo is too slow, unable to react when Goku's hands shoot out and grab him by the front of his robes, pulling him in so close he thinks the boy means to kiss him again.

"It's not enough, Sanzo." Goku says, and though his hands are fisted in the fabric, he does not sound or appear threatening. He is close for closeness' sake; not seeking intimidation. "Not nothing. Not nothing. But what am I…?" Goku's question lingers, his breath shallow and harsh, his face an inch from Sanzo's, if that.

Sanzo is stunned, weary, and so completely drawn in by feelings he knows he cannot deny forever that his anger falls to the floor as if he has been disrobed of it. Nothing petty is in Goku's eyes. Nothing the monkey is after is for anything petty. And as all the emotions Sanzo has been trying to ignore surge up within him, he finds himself forgetting he is supposed to be afraid.

Hands fly up to grip Goku's shirt just as Goku is gripping his robes. "I hate…" Sanzo growls."...how you make me feel this way."

A sudden jerk is all it takes to bring lips into heated contact, brought together for the first time by Sanzo's willing intention. There is a clear desperation in it with Sanzo in the lead, as if feeding desperately from the kiss is the only way to still the remaining fear inside his heart.

Goku would be shocked if he wasn't so deliriously happy all of a sudden. Though he smugly thinks the kiss is rather clumsy with Sanzo in control of it, he finds little ways to perfect it without the monk noticing control is not entirely one-sided.

As roving hands slips around equally slim waists to meld the two of them together, one thought remains on Goku's mind other than how much he is enjoying this: he has to keep this going or risk Sanzo taking another two steps back after such a delicious step forward. The monk has done that too many times already. Even now Goku can feel Sanzo starting to tense, starting to listen to the fear again. He holds tight to Sanzo's waist, kissing firmly as he takes slow but purposeful steps backwards.

When Sanzo realizes where they are headed, he tenses considerably more and tries to pull back.

No! Goku holds tighter still, cloying for Sanzo's tongue with his own and pulling it into his mouth to suck. A groan escapes the back of the monk's throat, lost within their met mouths, and Goku knows he has succeeded in his distraction.

A voice in the back of his mind tells him not to stop, not yet, not when Sanzo could still regress so easily. So he keeps the contact going, holding Sanzo close, until with a sudden tumble, his legs hit the back of the bed and they both fall down onto the mattress. The impact forces their lips apart and Sanzo's eyes are instantly wide with panic. Goku can see all the warnings flashing through his keeper's head and all he can think of is how he has to stop that flashing. He has to distract Sanzo more, show Sanzo the truth, prove to Sanzo that it can be wonderful and perfect.

He has to show Sanzo just how beautiful love can be.

Goku grabs Sanzo's shoulders and pulls the monk down on top of him. Kissing won't be enough distraction on its own, the boy reasons, so he sets to work using his talented tongue in other ways. He hasn't always known about his talented tongue, but not long ago he was told just that and is inclined to believe it, seeing as how the comment came from Gojyo.

The kappa had been prodding Hakkai to show off how the healer can tie a cherry stem with his tongue, something Gojyo could never quite get the hang of. When Goku popped in a cherry to try it himself, producing a much tighter and more impressive knot in half the time it took Hakkai, Gojyo let out a long whistle.

'You've got some talented tongue there, monkey,' he had said, 'That'll come in handy when you finally get yourself a girlfriend.'

Of course, Gojyo had made a point to state how despite his own inability to tie cherry stems, he is VERY talented with his tongue too. Just in different ways.

Goku takes quite a bit of pleasure in realizing Gojyo had not been wrong about him, at least if he is judging by Sanzo's reactions.

Keeping the monk distracted is what's important, Goku thinks. He doesn't even care that while he is circling Sanzo's ear with his tongue, and pulling the robes down off Sanzo's shoulders, and untying the robe fully to push it onto the floor, that Sanzo is not reciprocating a single act of attention. Every so often he seems to regain himself and tries again to pull away, but Goku is always quick to offer another distraction, usually with renewed use of his tongue around Sanzo's ear, or down his neck, or darting into his mouth for a kiss. Each time Sanzo is similarly distracted, making Goku feel positively devilish.

His distractions manage to get Sanzo's silk shirt and arm covers out of the way, and to dispose of his own clothing and even Sanzo's pants, leaving both of them in only their undershorts in very little time. Still, the only reciprocation from Sanzo is when Goku's distractions come in kisses, and even in that Sanzo has started to allow Goku all of the control.

The monkey knows he is playing with fire but he loves it, he loves the fire he can see smoldering behind Sanzo's eyes whenever he dares meet their gazes. Looking too long usually gives Sanzo time to remember he should be protesting what is happening, so Goku doesn't risk too many indulgences. He has to keep thinking of ways to kiss and nip and lick that will keep Sanzo enthralled.

When Goku decides to go for Sanzo's shorts, he makes a desperate play at Sanzo's chest, running his tongue over a blushing pink nipple and tugging at it with his teeth. Sanzo gasps loudly, hands braced on the bed at either side of Goku's shoulders. He doesn't even notice when his shorts fall to the floor. Goku's follow soon after and it is only then that the difference is understood. Everything is skin then and the shock of it is enough to finally have Sanzo pulling away with some success.

Legs bent at the knee but spread as he straddles Goku's waist to sit up, Sanzo's face shows only fear, as if suddenly waking and finding himself somewhere he never imagined he would be. The radiance of gold looking up at him is the only thing stopping him from scrambling off the bed.

Goku is currently thanking every god that might listen for Hakkai wanting to teach him healing. Those anatomy books he perused for much more than just first aid will certainly be coming in handy.

Sanzo isn't moving, isn't trying to get away, but Goku knows this can and probably will change if he tries to take things to the next level. But having come this far, how can he even imagine not going further? He lifts himself at the waist as much as he can, something surprisingly difficult with his legs trapped between Sanzo's thighsand withthe weight of the blonde on top of him. Sanzo's eyes seem incapable of focusing, darting erratically to avoid making any contact with gold, so Goku doesn't press for contact of gazes; he reaches for skin. Meeting their lips once more, he kisses as deeply as he has yet kissed tonight, straining his neck with the effort. This distraction is the most importantof all.

Within the kiss Goku slips his hands between their bodiesto work beneath Sanzo's hips. He is no longer playing; he is taunting the fire. But he doesn't care. And Sanzo, distracted just enough by lips and tongue and Goku's one free hand running over any spare space of skin it can caress, either doesn't notice the invasion or doesn't wish to protest.

Something in the power play is truly overwhelming for Goku. He has been claiming the upper hand again and again since this strange side trip of theirs began, but this kind of power he never imagined having. He loves it. He loves that Sanzo is letting him control everything. He loves that he is the one pulling Sanzo down onto him.

Goku reaches his free hand around the back of Sanzo's head to keep the monk from pulling away, deepening the kiss as he deepens himself within the body above him, giving the first of hopefully many slow thrusts.

A moan rips from Sanzo's lips, ending their kiss at last, but it does not take long for Goku to realize Sanzo is accepting but not truly reacting. That isn't what Goku wants. He doesn't want to take or use or force, he wants to share this. He wants Sanzo to want it to. And suddenly, he is desperate for anything the monk might give, even rejection if it is more than this painfully characteristic apathy.

"Sanzo…?" he whispers, mouth right beside Sanzo's ear as he reaches his arms up to cling, half to keep lifted up and half to hold on out of pure need. Sanzo's eyes are closed when he looks into the monk's face. "Sanzo?" he says again. "Please, Sanzo…don't just…sit there like this. Scream at me, hit me, call me a stupid monkey, just…something that says you're still here. Don't make this about me. This is for you too. For you…"

A few tense moments pass where Goku isn't sure if Sanzo has heard him, or if Sanzo understands, or if Sanzo ever plans to move again, but then…just when he is losing hope, violet eyes blink open. They turn slowly to look at him, more dazed than ever as if only now aware of what is going on and where they are. A strangled moan slips from his lips and Goku is almost certain Sanzo has just now realized that yes, Goku is inside of him and no barriers are left between them.

But although realization seems to strike Sanzo hard, he does not shift into anger or try to untangle himself. He uses his weight to push them both more fully onto the bed, completely pinning Goku now even while the brunette is the one inside him. Not a word leaves his lips as he settles more comfortably into this new position...and rocks forward, simultaneously pressing down to bring Goku even deeper into his body.

Goku cries out. He had not been prepared for that, for the sheer force and passion in it. His eyes roll back into his head as Sanzo rocks steadily, riding him with slow but purposeful movements that Goku meets, his own hips surging mindlessly upwards. Sanzo's hands are fisted in the bedding on either side of Goku's head, holding him up just enough to avoid crushing the boy with his weight and larger frame.

When Goku opens his eyes again, he wants only to meet Sanzo's gaze and shower the monk in loving looks since his voice couldn't possibly obey him just now; whimpers and unintelligible pleas keep pouring from his mouth. But as Goku searches for Sanzo's eyes above him he sees that they are closed again, clenched tight.

Goku wonders if Sanzo is truly getting out of this as much as he wishes for the blonde. A look at the hard flesh caught between their bodies is sign that he is, but Goku wants to give Sanzo more, especially now that Sanzo is a willing participant.

He thinks back to that anatomy book. It is different for everyone, but…if he had to guess…a little more to the left…

A great shudder rips through Sanzo and the smallest of cries leaves his parted and panting lips as Goku's thrusts hit his prostate, finding it again and again with each reconnection. His elbows start to shake, his arms almost giving out their support of his body. He manages to keep himself up out of sheer will but he will not last much longer, and his eyes betray this when they open and look…just look…down into the pools of gold lovingly looking up at him.

Something Goku doesn't quite understand seems to flicker over Sanzo's face, and as if the contact is too much for the blonde, Sanzo lunges down, capturing those same chapped but pliant lips he has met so many times now. Tongues meet, moving in time to the thrusts of their still surging hips. With a great gasp that pulls his lips from Goku's, Sanzo comes, his elbows quaking yet again and nearly dropping him to land on Goku's chest.

Moaning through his final pumps into the clenching of Sanzo's muscles, Goku follows moments later, pleased that Sanzo came first, as if it validates everything.

The pair remains locked in their ending positions for some time, Sanzo barely holding himself up on unsteady arms while Goku lays positively limp beneath him. Sensing that Sanzo's arms will give out any moment now, Goku is careful as he lifts Sanzo's body up to better remove himself from the monk's body, knowing full well that he just deflowered his keeper, and none too gently. At least, not as gently as he might have if he had been able to focus more.

The monk falls to the side, rolling onto his back beside his charge. There is just enough room on the bed to keep him from rolling to the floor. As before, the pair remains in these new positions for some time, breaths heavy and loud in the otherwise quiet room. When one of them finally speaks, it is Goku's exhausted but content voice that braves the quiet.

"That…" he gasps, a grin spreading the length of his face as he stares dumbly at the ceiling. "…was awesome."

Goku didn't expect a response to that, but he perks his ears anyway, perhaps anticipating a huff or amused grunt of some sort, as would be fitting of Sanzo. Tuning his ears, though, only brings him the sound of breath--shuddering breath--uneven and erratic. Goku would love to think he has taken the monk's breath away, but he doubts things are quite that romantic.

"Sanzo…?" he says, turning to look at the blonde beside him. Sanzo has his head turned away, facing the wall. Goku would not mind that so much…if not for how the man is trembling.

Goku has never known Sanzo to tremble. Shake with anger, twitch, shudder--yes. But tremble? Barely, if ever, and certainly not like this. Never his entire body, quivering like a withered leaf, small and vulnerable on the ground. Well, on the bed.

Panic rises in Goku's chest and clamps tight around his heart. "Sanzo…?" he says again, a million fears rearing their ugly heads at him. Has he hurt Sanzo? Did Sanzo not want this? Did Sanzo only give in because he felt…obligated?

That thought churns Goku's stomach. The last thing he ever wants is to be an obligation for Sanzo. He doesn't want it to be because Sanzo felt he had to but because he wanted to. The same goes for when Sanzo found him. Goku refuses to believe Sanzo saved him because he felt he had no other choice. He wants it to be because Sanzo felt some of the same connection he had felt. If sex was all Goku wanted he could have gotten that from someone else--and more easily than any of his companions might want to believe--but sex has never been Goku's motivation.

He wants Sanzo to love him.

But what if Sanzo has no intention--even now--of offering that? What if…for Sanzo, what they just shared was not something shared or even…consensual? The very idea almost has Goku shaking as hard as the man beside him.

Filled with so much fear now, Goku makes a lunge for Sanzo and clutches tight to the monk's quaking chest. "Sanzo…you…you wanted this too, right?" he whimpers, panicking, urgently needing some kind of reassurance. But Sanzo does not turn to look at him. "Please…please tell me you did. It wasn't obligation. Right…? Sanzo…?"

"Shut up."

These words are so steady and soft, Goku almost misses them. "Sanzo…?"

"Just shut up." Sanzo says again, his voice a strained whisper as if…as if…holding back tears. When Sanzo does finally turn to look at Goku, there are no traces of tears in his eyes, but the sound of them drips from his voice as clearly as if they were indeed falling from violet. "Why do you have to be so…annoying."

Goku feels his throat tighten. Sanzo is not pushing him away, allowing the desperate hold Goku has on his chest, but…he might as well be for the look he is giving his charge. It is the fact that Goku cannot read it that makes it so difficult to look at. It is indecipherable. Like nothing Goku has ever seen.

He could cry.

"You're such an idiot." Sanzo says, his voice still thick with unshed tears, but otherwise just as unreadable as his intense expression. He is still trembling, but violet locks on gold fiercely. "You're wrong…and you've been wrong from the beginning."

Goku feels the tears welling up behind his eyes, feels them so close to the surface. How can Sanzo do this to him? How can he give him something so beautiful only to take it away? Goku would rather have never known the monk's touch than have it looked on with a sneer. Sanzo is not sneering, but again Goku thinks the monk might as well be.

"Such an idiot." Sanzo says again, his voice becoming more and more a whisper. "I'm not the sun, monkey" he adds, causing the last resolve in Goku to burst as tears stream from erupted gold.

But they are not left to stream. Though he can barely believe it, a pale hand lifts to wipe his tears away and Goku understands then why he couldn't figure out the look on Sanzo's face. He has never seen it before, nothing so vulnerable and intense all at once. Even with Sanzo wiping at his tears, Goku is still crying, but when the monk's next words come, the whimpering monkey honestlythinks he might burst.

"I'm not the sun…" Sanzo whispers. "…you are."

tbc...(I swear!)

A/N: (sigh) I'm sorry I'm such an emotional wreck. I came back from a test to find an accusation of plagerism and...broke down. It was the culmination of many things, but really, to be called on something so untrue and...revolting to me...hurt more than I can possibly say right now. It seems like every time I have attempted to do something nice for someone this week it has blown up in my face. With a flatmate, a remark I made on a lovely piece of art, and the whole mess of having MY work stolen before...I just...grrr. That and I am a little homesick, knowing I'll finally be back in the states on Sunday to be met by all my closest friends. Anyway, I just needed to cool down, and I have, clearly, since I rewrote what I felt needed to be redone. Thank you all who commented to get my butt in gear, even the one reviewer who pretty much...yelled at me.;-) I certainly did not mean to sound so whiny and teenage angst-ridden (seeing as how I am not a teenager!) but...yeah. On the upside, I absolutely love how this chapter flows now, more so than the original, which means I can only believe this mess was meant to happen to help me love this story more. I am simply going to forget I ever thought to honor another fic in a way that missed its point somewhere and just...love this, as I do. Thank you again, all of you who wrote encouragements. I don't deserve you (and I love you all too, so much, because these journeys wouldn't be nearly as fun without all of you). So...no worries about me not finishing. Didn't mean to scare you. I will try to write the final part...tonight. Honestly, thoughI might wait to post until tomorrow depending on how things go. But it will be soon, I promise. Thanks again! And remember, plagerism is a bad, bad thing. I have never done it, but I have had it done of me. Therefore, despite being hurt that I was accused of it, I will always change things rather than accept misunderstandings that can lead nowhere good. Yes, I think that says it all then. Til the last part!

Crim