Chapter Nine

"Master Harry, you's is being in there for …" Eppy began but stopped short at catching the looks from Herman and Won-won.

"Yes," Harry said sitting up in the chair.

Eppy took a good hard look at Harry Potter and finished, "You's is being in Azkaban for twenty one days."

Harry's eyes became a large as saucers. He's only been in there for twenty one days? You couldn't even go through Betty Ford for anything less than twenty eight days. He was half insane; half starved and was delusional after only twenty one days of being in Azkaban? Well at least it wasn't one year, three months, two weeks, four days, seven hours, thirteen minutes and twenty six seconds. Now that would have been ridiculous.

"Damn."

"Harry," Herman began tenderly. "It doesn't matter how long you were there, from what we heard the Dementors were very rough with you and time was not a constant for you."

"Twenty one days?" Harry said and then settled back into the plush chair. He had been reduced to that … that … trade in only twenty one days. That's only three weeks he realized. Three sodding weeks! That delusion is looking better and better all the time.

"Harry."

Harry didn't answer, but sat there thinking about how nice a shot of firewhiskey would be right about now. In fact to hell with the shot glass, just get the whole bottle.

"Harry."

This time when Herman failed to get an answer she looked over to Won-won for some idea as to what to do next. At least before Harry was responding to them, now he was just sitting there looking aimlessly out the window.

"Master Harry," Eppy started quietly. "I's is knowing what you's is being thinking and it isn't being as bad as that. Professor Dumbledore is not letting that greasy smelly man say anything and I's has taken care of that blonde haired nancy boy. He isn't being going to be saying anything to anyone unless he is being wanting those pictures Eppy is being taking of him sent to the papers."

Harry turned to look at the elf while Herman and Won-won said, "What pictures?"

Smirking, the elf revealed, "The ones Eppy is being taking of him hanging naked in the room of requirement." Then she held her hands to her face and started giggling like mad.

Harry smiled; well it was kind of like a smile. "Did you do to him what you did to Benson?"

"Maybe."

"Harry, who's Benson?" asked Herman. She was being nosey again.

Turning back to the window, Harry shivered but didn't answer. He didn't want to think about Benson right now. Harry didn't want to think about anything at all. Well maybe the ferret swinging around naked with things stuck up his…

"He's is being a bad wizard he is," interrupted Eppy.

"The dark lord Benson?" asked Won-won stupidly. Herman and Eppy must have thought the same about him as they looked at him that way. As if he were a complete idiot.

"Yes," Eppy said sarcastically. "He is being the dark lord Benson. But he is being moonlighting as a black American Muggle butler who is being working as the straight man to crazy white people." (1)

Harry snorted and Herman looked amused at the reference which, of course, left Won-won looking like an even bigger idiot, having never watched American Muggle situation comedies before. Really this man was a complete idiot when you truly sat down and thought it through. Why was Herman so wrapped up in him anyway for? Couldn't she find someone else with a brain maybe?

Eppy ignored the humans and went over to collect Harry's lunch tray. Bringing it over to him she said, "Now it is being time for you to be eating Master Harry."

"Not hungry."

"You's is being a liar Master Harry, but that is being okay with Eppy. You's is just needing a bit of resting and then you's is being all better. But…" here she paused for dramatic effect, "… you's is being eating so you's can be getting better or else you's is dealing with Eppy."

Harry gave her a withered glare. Eppy returned it with a shake of her head like a crack diva about to go on a Midol-hormone-bitch-rage. For a little green tinted elf, she could be a strong black woman when she wanted to be.

"Fine," Harry said as he grabbed a sandwich from the tray and stuck it in his mouth.

x-x-x-x-x

Sometime later after Harry had eaten some food and Herman and Won-won left him to rest, he was still sitting in the overstuffed chair conjured by the Headmaster looking out of the window.

"Harry."

Damn it! Didn't anyone understand that a man can't brood properly with all of these interruptions? There was an art to this and everyone just kept throwing his rhythm off.

"Harry," Professor Dumbledore said again. "I wanted to let you know that I had a long talk with Severus about what he discovered about your time in Azkaban. I have convinced him that it wouldn't be in anyone's best interest to let that bit of information become public knowledge."

"Eppy told me."

The Headmaster conjured another chair for him to sit in and asked, "Eppy?" He knew that he was going to be trying to figure out who this person was. He still had no idea who Susie was yet.

"Elf in the pink dress," Harry supplied willingly.

"Ah yes, the elf with the most interesting sense of humor," he said with his eyes twinkling merrily.

"Yeah, she said that you took care of Snape and she took care of the ferret."

"Ferret? By chance do you mean Mister Malfoy?"

Harry turned away from the windows and nodded to his former mentor.

"I thought he left the castle this morning," Dumbledore said with a look of confusion.

"Um, you'd better ask her about that to make sure. She said something about hanging him naked from the ceiling."

"I take it that it wasn't by his request that she did that to him."

Harry shrugged. "I doubt it."

"Well you never know with the Malfoy family. Once when Lucius was a student here he … well you may not be quite ready to hear about that little adventure yet. Needless to say, they have very peculiar ideas about what pleasure is all about and who should be involved."

Harry squeezed his eyes shut. Delusions were DEFINITELY better than reality!

"Where is … what was her name again?"

"Eppy."

"Yes," Dumbledore said making sure to remember that name for later use. "Where is she now?"

"I have no idea," Harry replied. "She said something about borrowing a geisha kimono from her brother before she popped away with my lunch tray."

To Be Continued … Please Read and Review

(1) This would be in reference to a sit-com called "Soap," where the butler was named Benson.