Author's Note: Dedicated to Isil over at Irish Charm. She used her mystical webmistress powers to put up all fifteen of my Seamus-related stories in just one morning. She even formatted everything since I'm in the middle of finals. That sort of hard work shouldn't go unrewarded, you know. If you haven't been to Irish Charm, it's at http colon backslash backslash seamus dot calm hyphen storm dot net.
Looking For Danger
Seamus' favorite portrait in the whole castle was Evangeline, the woman in the red dress on the second floor. Evangeline liked to talk while she smoked her cigarette and drank from her never-empty martini glass. She'd talk about her failed relationship with Edgar, the violinist in the ballroom scene down the hallway. She'd talk about the crush she'd had on Sir Cadogan when she'd been freshly painted. She talked about all sorts of exciting trysts with dangerous bandits and mysterious men in black cloaks.
She made Seamus want to fall in love. Well, the kind of love that Evangeline seemed to experience every other week.
Seamus tried it with Lavender, but he couldn't quite work himself up to the "intoxicating blind passion" that Evangeline was always raving about. There were no dramatic moments in which their eyes locked and nothing else seemed to exist but the two of them. They never exchanged frenzied whispers describing lust-filled thoughts for each other that they just couldn't hold back. They never kissed in just the right way that sent the whole world spinning around them. The worst part was the cuddling that Lavender insisted upon participating in at all times. Evangeline would never cuddle someone while calling them endearments such as "Shay-Shay the Cuddle Monster".
When Seamus went to ask Evangeline how she found all these wonderful collaborates for her romantic escapades, Evangeline laughed. "My dear boy, you can't date a Gryffindor if you're looking for a truly grand romance. You'll want to date a Slytherin, mostly. Maybe a Ravenclaw, but you have to be careful not to choose one that's too bookish." Then Evangeline went vaguely misty-eyed. " Those Slytherin men, though. You know that dashing young portrait with the piercing blue eyes and those curled chestnut locks cascading into his mischievous face? The one just two portraits down from the Slytherin dorms entrance? We spent many a long evening in each others' tight embrace, kissing passionately until the dawn broke."
Seamus went back to his dorm and thought. Well, there was no way he dating a Slytherin girl. Pansy, Millie, Tracey and Daphne quite honestly scared him to death and the girls from other Slytherin weren't much better. And a non-bookish Ravenclaw? Did Evangeline really think those existed?
But Slytherin men? Just the sound of it! That sounded exactly like what he was looking for. So Seamus set off to find the perfect Slytherin man to sweep him off his feet.
The first Slytherin male he ran into was Theo. Now, Theo had been a part of the wholewar against Voldemort thing, an active participant on the side of light. He'd fought, he'd been brave, he'd proven himself. He certainly deserved to be called a man. But he wasn't the right sort of man. Seamus pondered this for a long while until he came to a fair conclusion.
"There's different sorts of men," Seamus explained to Blaise, who was the second Slytherin male Seamus stumbled upon. "There's the usual kind of man, and then there's the dangerous kind of man."
"I see," Blaise replied, though he clearly had no idea.
"I don't want the usual sort. If I wanted the usual sort, I'd ask out a Hufflepuff." Seamus paused, then corrected himself, "Not that there's anything wrong with Hufflepuffs, because they're the best at being usual which is most definitely not an insult. They're just not particularly dangerous." Another pause and a quick grin. "Unless you say that to their face. Then they get all indignant and I don't care what anyone else says, but an indignant Ernie Macmillion is every bit as dangerous as a Slytherin with a grudge."
"So you're looking to ask out a dangerous man of some sort?" Blaise asked. "I'd say Harry's as dangerous as you can get. I don't think he's gone one year without having everyone close to him go through some sort of terrible ordeal. If that's not dangerous, I don't know what is."
"That's a different kind of dangerous, though, because Harry doesn't want to be dangerous. He'd rather throw all the danger away." Seamus said stubbornly. "Besides, he's not Slytherin."
"You have a point there. So, let's see. You're looking for someone tall, dark, and handsome. Someone who would trade witty banter with you while you battled back to back against the forces of evil -- or a group of first years."
Seamus had to chuckle at that. Early in the year, they'd been attacked by the entire group of first year Gryffindors, demanding heroic anecdotes about Harry Potter's daily life and pleading for all sorts of bizarre trinkets from his bedroom such as used tissues, dirty socks, and any fruit peels that might be lying about.
"And you want someone who would dip you while dancing and pull you into the most amazing kiss you've ever had, right in front of everyone."
Seamus grinned again. He knew that Blaise had added that last bit, "right in front of everyone" to tease him again about the holiday party they'd had fifth year, when Fred and George had rigged up the mistletoe in the corridor and gave Blaise a free Snackbox Sampler Set if he'd kiss someone. Blaise had promptly grabbed and kissed Seamus and Seamus' eyes had sparkled happily even while he scolded Blaise for kissing him "right in front of everyone".
"And you want someone to go on adventures with, and just when it looks like everything is lost, you'll both scrape by without a scratch -- or if there is a scratch, it will be very aesthetic and won't hurt."
Seamus wondered if that last bit had anything to do with the time when Seamus had provoked an Augurey (he hated those stupid birds, so he couldn't really be blamed) into biting him, but Blaise had leapt in to save him, sustaining only a mild scrape on his cheek. Seamus said it made him look rugged and Blaise claimed it didn't hurt a bit.
"That last part was about the Augurey from last year, but I wasn't sure if you'd catch it," Blaise admitted. "Actually, I wasn't sure you'd catch the undertones in the rest of what I've been saying, but I was hoping you would, because I'm trying to make a very important point."
"I thought you were teasing me," Seamus countered. "Any time you say the words 'right in front of everyone', you're teasing me about the mistletoe thing."
"It wasn't teasing this time!" Blaise protested. "I'm attempting to bring up a very important point!"
"Well you said that already," Seamus pointed out. "I think we're at the stage where you need to tell me about this very important point and what my love life, first year attacks, mistletoe, and Auguries."
Blaise was patient. "You want someone --"
"A tall, dark and handsome Slytherin man," Seamus inserted.
"You want a tall, dark, handsome Slytherin man who could do the stuff that we've done together, isn't that right?" Blaise asked.
Seamus frowned. "Well, I suppose so. I'd never thought about it that way."
"So you're trying to find someone who's like me, someone whom you'd have to test via first year attacks, mistletoe and Auguries in order to figure out if they're really the proper sort of Dangerous Man you'd like to have lying about, aren't you?"
"I would have to test them to be sure," Seamus agreed. "That sounds awfully tedious."
Blaise wondered if Seamus was just dense, but then he saw the smile on the edge of Seamus' lips, fighting to break free of the pout. Aha. Seamus was just stringing him along, trying to make this as dramatic as possible before he built up to the grand finale. And since this was Seamus and Seamus would never have even the slightest bit of a smile if he even thought he was possibly going to do something that would hurt Blaise, Blaise was sure that this finale was going to be fun.
"Although, I suppose there is another way," Blaise said, letting his voice trail off and the end of the sentence just hung there as Seamus looked at him with dark wide eyes.
"And what is this other way you're proposing?" Seamus asked.
"Oh, I don't know. I was just thinking," Blaise replied loftily, catching Seamus' eye to make sure that Seamus knew that Blaise knew that Seamus was building up to the dramatic ending. Seamus knew, of course, and he tried to convey with his eyes and make sure that Blaise knew that Seamus wanted their conversation to have a happy and dramatic ending, not just a dramatic one. Blaise knew, of course and decided to forgo any more confusing eye-communication.
Blaise grabbed Seamus' shoulders, tilted his head, and leaned in for a kiss.
The world stopped. To Seamus, it felt like the world had dissolved and there was nothing except Seamus and Blaise and even that nothingness was melting and revolving around them. When Blaise kissed Seamus, it was passionate like Blaise would give up his life for Seamus if Seamus were ever again attacked by one of those awful Auguries but the kiss was urgent, too, as if Blaise only had a few moments longer to pour out every last bit of that passion.
It left Seamus breathless.
"So what was this plan you were thinking of?" Seamus asked teasingly, once he'd found the strength to speak.
"I'll show you exactly what sort of planning I was thinking of," Blaise replied playfully. He grabbed Seamus and threw him over one shoulder, stumbling just a bit as he tried to get his balance back. Seamus didn't notice of course. There were much, much better things to notice at this angle.
Evangeline had exactly four hundred and eighteen dangerous lovers after that night. Seamus only had his one.