Susan's Return
AN: This story is told from Susan's POV. While symbolic, I was sad to learn that Susan was not in New Narnia at the end of the series. I found myself wondering what Susan truly was thinking and feeling after being told she could not return to Narnia.
The train's movement had been jerky when it started, but soon it became the familiar motion that I have known for quite sometime. However, the first time I had been on a train, I was twelve. I had been with my older brother Peter, who was thirteen and my younger brother, Edmund, and sister, Lucy, ten and eight respectively.
Our parents had wanted us to be safe from the Air Raids occurring in London, so we were sent to live with Professor Kirke in the country. We all had feared him, but he turned out to be a very kind man. We had all stayed in touch with him after we had left. We learned many things while there.
Once again, when these thoughts came to my mind, I shook them away. I did not want to think about them. I did not want to think about what I had experienced during that time with the Professor. Nor did I want to think about trains. In fact, as soon as I thought about it, I felt my stomach knot up and I tried to push down the sense of unease I felt.
I had just lost my brothers and sister in a tragic railway accident. While I was told they probably felt no pain, it did not make it any easier. I had lost the three people in the world I was closest to. I was now the only Pevensie child left.
It did not seem fair for them to be taken so soon. After all, I was only twenty one, which meant that Peter had been twenty two, Edmund had been nineteen and sweet Lucy had only been seventeen.
How could they be taken so quickly and so young? We had lived to an older age in Narnia.
As soon as the name of that place came to mind I felt the familiar pain that it caused me. Everyone must have thought I no longer believed in Narnia, that I believed it had only been a game I had played as a child.
I did not believe that though. The pain of being told I was too old to return to Narnia felt as if I was being told I could never return home. I felt I belonged there more than I did in the world we had left behind, even when the war was over.
When I went to America, I was glad to be in a different place so that I could forget the loss. I thought it would help me, and perhaps I would find another place to belong. Another place I could call home.
Instead, I was troubled by dreams of Narnia, of Aslan the brave lion; of my siblings, rulers and warriors for the enchanted land; of all the friends I had made there, many of them were creatures that were thought to be mythological or were creatures I had seen before. However, they were different because they could speak. We had lived among all of these beings for fifteen years before returning. It had been as if we had never left, for when we exited the wardrobe, we were the same age we were when we left and only a few seconds had passed in our world.
Lucy had went back to try and get back through, but without luck. We had all worried we would never return, but we did because we were needed once again in Narnia. I was thrilled to be back, until Aslan informed Peter and me that we could not return for we were too old. I had never felt such a pain like that before.
I know that Lucy and Edmund have been called back before and that others have gone with them, including our cousin Eustace. While they did not say much about it, I felt as if we were growing apart due to this and while time passed, the pain of losing such a home, wonderful friends, and now my family was almost unbearable.
So instead of focusing on that, I threw myself into other activities. I could not make myself grow younger, so I attempted to be a grown up and hopefully find my place in the world and get through the pain.
It did not work and was nearly impossible to lie and say that Narnia had been just a game I had played as a child. I had done it though, and while I wanted to make myself believe it, I couldn't.
I had considered asking my brothers and sister about it and now I would never be able to again. They must all think I had turned on them by saying I no longer believed in it. I could only hope that in their hearts they knew the truth.
The squeal of the train's breaks pulled me away from my thoughts. We had arrived at the station and I saw other passengers collecting their baggage. I picked up my small bag that I had stored under my seat. I did not know what I was going to do now. I felt at a loss now that my siblings, cousin and Jill were gone.
The depot was very busy, but I made my way through the crowds to where a few automobiles were waiting to take the passengers to their final destination. I had hoped that someone would have met me, but all who would have were no longer alive. So I went to one of these automobiles and gave the address to where the others were gathering to pay their last respects.
I was glad the driver did not say anything to me. I had too many other things on my mind then engaging in idle conversation. Instead, I glanced out the window; looking at the buildings we went passed. London had never felt like home since I returned after living with the Professor, even though I was familiar with it.
I was so caught up in the memories of that time in my life that I did not see what happened next. It all happened in a second, so I did not have time to look at what was happening, but it was also seemed to be happening in slow motion since I could hear everything. I heard a small shout mixed with the screeching of tires. Then there was a sickening crunching sound of metal and glass. I felt myself fly forward from where I was sitting and then everything went black.
I opened my eyes, expecting to see myself on paved street with a wrecked car. I also expected bystanders staring at an accident where people there could be injured or dead people.
Even as I struggled to focus on my surroundings, I knew I would not be on such a street. I felt soft grass below me, a few pieces tickling my cheek. It was also warm and I could feel rays of sun on me even though I knew that the day had been fittingly bleak and gray.
When I finally was able to focus and look around me, I was struck speechless. I was staring in wonderment at a world I thought that was lost to me forever. There flowers on the trees and among the tall grasses were in bloom, giving the air a faint, sweet scent. The sky was a magnificent light blue with only a few white clouds in the sky. The forest behind me showed trees that all green, not cut down like many trees were cut down in England.
I slowly pushed myself into a sitting position and I noticed that I was no longer wearing the black dress that I had just been wearing. Instead, I was wearing a forest green dress, on that I instantly recognized as one of my favorites that I had worn during my time in Narnia. I reached up and felt my hair. It was no longer in a simple braid, but was intricately done with small flowers weaved through the dark strands.
"Welcome Queen Susan, daughter of Eve."
A familiar voice caused me to whip my head around and my eyes widened, a smile of joy and disbelief crossed her features. "Aslan," I whispered as I slowly and shakily got to her feet. I did not think I would ever see him again.
The large lion stood there, in a place that had been empty just moments before. He was as majestic as ever, powerful and strong. Just the sight of him was enough to cause tears to come to my eyes, though I do not know why.
"Have you truly turned your back on Narnia?" Aslan asked me.
"Of course not," I insisted. I took a step, wanting to go to Aslan, but I seemed unable to move more than a few feet. Even as much as I wanted to go to him, I was being held back. It was as if there was a wall blocking us.
"Then why have you spoken the way you have?" Aslan questioned.
"I was hurt," I replied, lowering her gaze. I hated to admit it, but that had been why I had done all of that. "A part of me was never able to let go of Narnia. I wanted to be here with my family. Even though you said I was too old, I refused to believe I would never see this place again. And here I am."
Aslan was silent for a moment, as if studying me and I felt as if he was looking into my soul. "Come toward me," he told me.
I obeyed, this time able to walk to him. While I wanted to hug him, I held back. Instead I dropped to one knee, bowing my head to him. "Please forgive me for my shortcomings." I knew that Aslan could decide to let me stay if he wanted to. I hoped and prayed that he would allow me to stay. Once a Queen of Narnia, always a Queen of Narnia. The saying came back to me and I could only hope that I had not lost her chance to stay in this place.
"Susan the Gentle, you have shown courage before and yet your fear and anger have caused you to stray."
"I know," I whispered, a tear escaping, rolling down my cheek and meeting with the ground below. I feared his next words.
"However, I have seen your heart and I know you speak the truth. This is the new Narnia, the old one having been destroyed and the door between them is locked forever. I believe everyone makes mistakes and if asked for, forgiveness shall be given."
"Please Aslan, say I am forgiven," I looked up at him, pleading. I had nothing for me back in England and even if this was the new Narnia, it was still like home. I belonged here.
"You are forgiven, Queen Susan the Gentle. You shall once again take your place with you brothers and sister."
"You mean they are not truly dead?" I couldn't help but ask that. I did not think I would ever see them again, and they were here. I couldn't help but look around, searching for them.
"They have eternal life now, as do you."
"You mean we are dead?" I questioned aloud and the realization of it struck me as sharply as an arrow, though there was no pain. The automobile accident. I was dead. I was not upset about it though. Not when I knew that I could be with my family and friends once more.
"Call it what you will," came the almost amused reply. Then Aslan shifted one of his large paws and pushed a bundled package to me. It was wrapped in cloth with a rope tying it all together.
I knelt beside it and unwrapped it, pushing back the cloth. What I saw then made me gasp and I smiled.
I touched the horn given to me by Father Christmas and pulled the cord over my head so it hung around my neck. My bow and arrows were there as well. I ran my fingers over the string, remembering how I practiced as often as I could.
I pulled the quiver over my shoulder, followed by my bow. It was as if they had always been there.
Looking up at Aslan, I gave him another smile. "Thank you," was all I managed to whisper.
In return, the mighty lion gave a nod, letting me have a moment to brush my fingers over my horn, as if being reintroduced to old friends. Then he spoke again, "Come. Jewel will take you to our destination."
As if listening to hear this introduction, a beautiful pure white unicorn came galloping up the incline, coming to a stop next to Aslan. Then the unicorn gave a small bow. "Queen Susan," he spoke.
It was a surprise. I forgot how important we all were to those of Narnia. "Hello, Jewel."
"Come. I am sure you are anxious to see the others." Aslan turned to leave and I went over to the unicorn who had a saddle on his back. It would not be easy to ride in a dress, but I didn't care. I swung myself into the saddle with ease. There were no reins, but I knew I would not need them.
Once he saw that I was situated, Aslan started to run and Jewel followed. Soon it felt as if we were flying. Jewel's gait was smooth and the wind flew at my hair and I closed my eyes for a moment. I remembered another time like this, when Lucy and I were on Aslan's back, rushing to rescue the Queen's prisoners.
This time it was different though. We were not rushing to save the kingdom, but instead, we were going to reunite with the others. I felt happier, freer and more alive than I had in years. I leaned my head back slightly and just laughed, then sun shining down on us was not hot, but just warm enough.
In what seemed like mere minutes, we had traveled over much land and when we rose over another hill, I gasped. There stood the castle, as if it had always been there. That was the home I remember.
We continued, nearing the large structure. It was gleaming as if the stones had been polished, banners hung from the windows and I could see many other beings there. It had only been this crowded once before, when we had been coroneted.
"Why is everyone here?" I asked Jewel.
"Because you have returned. The fourth one feared lost," came the unicorn's reply.
I was not just touched, but moved by this. I was being welcomed home.
When we approached the gates, I saw many familiar faces from small woodland animals to large centaurs that were even larger than Jewel. A cheer rose up as Aslan and Jewel slowed, proceeding through the crowd.
I heard some shout my name and I would look, smiling to see another that I knew from my time here. Memories came flooding back to me with each step Jewel took. In the courtyard, Aslan and Jewel stopped. I slid off the unicorn, and saw Lucy's dear friend, Mr. Tumnus there. He held a robe out for me and after I hugged him, I took it, handing him my bow and arrows, though still letting the horn stay around my neck as I fastened the robe. From behind Mr. Tumnus came Mr. Beaver. I grinned when I saw him and he returned the gesture as Mr. Tumnus took the crown from the pillow Mr. Beaver held, place it on my head.
A cheer went up among the crowd and I blushed. "Aslan, aren't you supposed to be the ruler? Or are there not other rulers?" I asked, keeping my voice low so only he would hear me.
"You are wise. This is my domain, yes. However, as in the old Narnia, you were seen as a Queen and hero. All of them wanted you and your siblings to take your roles back, even if just in title only. There will be no more wars or fights, or problems to deal with. Everyone will be able to do as they wish and no one shall be wanting of anything."
I smiled at Aslan when he said this. The people wanted us as Kings and Queens even if we would not have to act like it. I could not say I minded it either. Those had been the happiest years of my life.
Aslan then led me up a staircase and I followed, the rest falling into step behind us. I was excited and not the least bit scared.
When we reached the doors to the throne room, they opened and Aslan stepped through. I followed and gasped. Some of our closest friends were there. None of them looked upset that I had appeared to have forgotten them. They all looked happy and content.
Then, at the other end, I saw my brothers and sisters. Brave, strong Peter was standing by his throne. The usual firm expression showed joy, which shined also in Edmund's features. My younger brother was standing near Peter and while he had been sour as a child at times, I would not have believed it if I had known.
I did not have to search for Lucy for she ran down the steps from the throne and rushed to me. We met halfway, in the center of the room, hugging each other tightly. "You are here!" Lucy exclaimed after hugging me for a time. "You really did believe after all this time, didn't you?"
"I did," I nodded, seeing my brothers come to join us. Then there was a group hug among the four of us and none of us minded that we were being watched.
"Now we can stay together. We will not grow old or ever feel pain. It is perfect here," Lucy informed me when she finally let me go.
I looked around the room, seeing familiar friends and even some family members, such as Eusrace, with Jill beside him. All of beings assembled were safe and happy.
"You are right, it is," I told her, hugging her once more. I was reunited with those I loved and now we would not be parted again. I glanced over her shoulder and saw Aslan watching me. He did not speak, but I knew what he was thinking.
"Yes," I whispered, agreeing with his unspoken remark. "I am home."