I was lying in bed that night staring at the ceiling and crying. I was crying for Crystal. I imagined what nights must have been like for her. Something must have been wrong for her to kill herself. I wondered if she ever cried herself to sleep. I heard a moement in one of the beds and tried to stop crying before whoever was awake heard me. But unfortunatly that didn't work. "Olivia? Is that you?" It was Daisy.
"Yeah." I whispered.
I could see her sit up from the light coming through the window. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing," I told her, "go back to sleep."
She got out of bed and walked over to sit next to me, "If nothings wrong why are crying?"
"Because I feel like it, okay?"
"Who is that?" Juliet asked groggily sitting up in her bed.
I rolled my eyes, "No one."
"Olivia's upset and she won't say why."
Two other voices piped up, Shelby and Kat, "What?"
"Holy crap." I sighed. The whole cabin was awake because of me crying! "Nothing. Nothing at all. Now would guys all go back to sleep andleave me alone?"
Somebody turned on the light and all the girls came over to sit either on my bed or Juliet's, which was right next to mine. "Come on, we're all awake. Now tell us what's up." Juliet said.
I sighed and leaned back against my headboard. I would have to tell them something. After all, did wake all of them up. "What would you guys do if your best friend died and it was your fault?"
"Are you serious?" Shelby asked.
"Yes, I'm serious." I said rolling my eyes.
They were all quiet, thinking. I could see it in their eyes. Finally Kat said, "My sister died. It was my fault."
"Is that why when Ezra fell off the bridge you were freaking out? I remember you kept saying, 'Don't let him die.'"
"Yeah." Kat said. "I didn't want it to happen again."
I thought about this new information for a bit. Kat didn't seem at all distracted about it. Not like Olivia, "So, how did you . . ." she wanted to say 'get over it' but the words wouldn't come.
"Peter and Sophie and Hannah helped alot. Pretty much I had to stop thinking about my sister and think about me and how her death was affecting me. I had to stop feeling badly for her. When that happened it was like I could breathe again."
Shelby spoke up, "I know how that feels. WHen I finally stopped feeling badly about myself it felt like I had breathed for the first time in years."
"But . . . didn't it feel like . . . like the world wasn't worth it? Like nothing was worth the feeling inside of you?"
Juliet added to the conversation, "It did for me. That's why I turned to cutting. It was like everything inside me leaked out and the nthe scars. The scars were like they were there for everyone to see. To see how . . . bad I was."
"How did you move on from that?" I asked.
Julie spoke right away, as if she had been dieing to tell someone for ages, "I haven't yet. Maybe I never will. The feeling does go away. Trust me, it does. One day you just get sick of it. Yes, sometimes it comes back but then you'll get sick of it again and again."
"I hate to say it," Daisy said, "but life really is worth it." They all stared at her, some open mouthed, "Death is appealing but I'd much rather live. I'm just fascinated with death. It's the end of something. Just like a season."
Juliet laughed, "You're fascinated by the end of seasons?" Her voice became teasing and sarcastic, "Oh, it's the end of fall, this is so fasciating." We all laughed.
About an hour later everyone went back to their beds. I thought about what both Kat and Peter had said. I had to stop feeling sorry for Crystal and take care of myself. "I'm sorry Crystal," I thought to myself, "I'm sorry for not listening to you, I'm sorry for just watching you die . . . I'm sorry for moving on." I rolled onto my side and flung my arm over the edge of the bed.
Juliet grabed my hand and said quietly, "It'll be okay". She squeezed my hand and dropped it. "I hope so." I thought to myself.