What is a Pervert, Actually?
by Nezuko, Prince of Rats
This is a work of derivative fiction based on the manga "Naruto" by Kishimoto Masashi. The characters and the world in which they live are the property of Kishimoto-sensei.
"I don't see why people say I'm a pervert," Kakashi said, taking a meditative swig from his beer.
Genma gave his younger friend a look. Oh boy, he thought, he's had enough to drink to get talkative. The three jounin sat in Genma and Raidou's living room, leaning on a low table, sharing an off-duty night.
"I mean it," Kakashi continued. "So I like sex. Doesn't everyone? You and Raidou do." The slightly tipsy copy-nin gestured towards his companions. "Shit, you got caught on tape giving each other head in the video surveillance room, and I don't see anyone calling you perverts."
"Technically," said Raidou, who was also several shots of shochu into his evening, "I was giving Genma head. He was just getting it."
"S'a hot tape," Kakashi added, winking at Raidou. "Genma looks fucking awesome when he comes."
"I know," Raidou replied, and sloshed another shot of the high-proof grain beverage into his glass.
Genma groaned. "Rai-chan, do you have to encourage this?"
"What? You do," the scarred jounin protested. "You've seen the tape. It's hot, right?" He poured shot of shochu for Genma.
"Anyway, sex is natural. You're supposed to be interested in sex. Perpetuation of the species," Kakashi continued, letting the thread of discussion of his friend's amateur porn star career drop, much to Genma's relief. "Asuma and Kurenai are doing each other, and you don't see anyone calling them perverts."
"They're straight, that helps," Genma said, sipping at his drink.
"Fine. Ibiki then. He was doing that one kinky chick that likes to get smacked around, but no-one calls him a perv." Kakashi set his empty beer down with a thunk and reached for the bottle Raidou had been pouring from. "Give me a glass."
"No, they call him a sadist," Genma answered, pushing a shot glass towards his friend. "And anyway, he broke it off with her. He said he gets plenty of that kind of action on the job."
"Yeah," Raidou snickered. "He's a hearts and flowers romantic when you get to know him."
Kakashi laughed. "Don't let him hear you say that."
"Oh, he knows we know. Who do you think set him up with that one medic chick he's seeing now?" Raidou grinned and gestured at his partner.
"Right, Shiranui the matchmaker." Kakashi grinned back. "How come you never try to fix me up with anyone?"
"Cause everyone thinks you're a perv?" Genma winked and emptied his glass.
"Besides," put in Raidou, "you've got your little chocolate-dipped bonbon of a chuunin."
"Yeah, we don't wanna mess that up. Just cause you found him on your own doesn't mean we'd oppose it," added Genma.
"Ruka's not chocolate-dipped," Kakashi protested. "He's more like... Cinnamon. Spicy."
"Genma's coffee with honey," Raidou said, then leaned over and licked Genma's face, and laughed.
Genma jumped a little and blinked at his boyfriend. "You should probably eat something, Rai-chan. I think the alcohol's going to your head too fast."
"Bet I know what Raidou'd like to eat..." Kakashi looked meaningfully at Genma's lap.
"Oi, you two are a menace when you're drunk, you know that?"
"Just means you haven't had enough yourself yet," Kakashi countered, refilling Genma's glass.
"Eat some edamame." Genma pushed a bowl full of bright green steamed soybeans towards the middle of the table. "Both of you. I don't want to end up holding your heads while you puke in the bushes."
"Give us a little credit." Raidou pretended to look hurt, but he took a pod and popped the beans into his mouth.
"I'm giving you both plenty of credit. Not like it hasn't happened before."
"Drink up, Genma," Kakashi said. "Then you can puke with us. Not like that hasn't happened before, too."
"True," Genma smirked and grabbed a handful of the beans, shelling them between his teeth and pulling the empty husks out in what could only be described as a languidly sensuous maneuver.
"Shit, Genma. You should have been the one giving head in that tape," Kakashi said, watching his friend's tongue work.
"He's good at it, too," Raidou said, leaning against his partner and dropping a hand into his lap.
Genma just smirked. "Well you should know, Kakashi, seeing as you're the resident porn expert."
"It's not porn. It's erotica. There's a difference." Kakashi said, eating a few of the edamame himself.
"Whatever. You walk around reading it all the time. Of course people think you're a perv." Genma leaned back and draped an arm around Raidou's shoulders.
"How do you know that's what I'm reading? Maybe I'm reading advanced tactical weapons theory with an Icha Icha cover on it to throw my enemies off track." Kakashi emptied his glass, then poured a fresh round for the three of them.
"Riiight." Genma snagged Kakashi's tool pouch with his foot and kicked the book in question out of it. Raidou grabbed it and flipped it open.
"'He looked at me with a predator's eye, then reached for my belt. I was frozen, helpless to stop him, or myself, trembling with desire...' Sure sounds like advanced tactical weapons theory to me." Raidou grinned.
"Yeah, well..." Kakashi laughed and took his book back. "I can't always be reading serious stuff."
"So you wanna know who's really perverted?" Raidou asked, still leaning partway into Genma's lap.
"You?" guessed Genma, kissing his forehead.
"No, and don't take this the wrong way, Kashi," Raidou continued. "Your buddy Gai."
"Gai?" Kakashi laughed. "Gai's a weirdo, sure, but he's about as asexual as they come."
"Oh come on," Raidou insisted. "Don't you think he's a little too close with that student of his? The one who looks just like him?"
"Lee-kun's eyes are different," Genma said, the alcohol now loosening his limbs and inhibitions as well. "He's not exactly the same."
"You wanna talk about perverts, how 'bout Orochimaru?" Kakashi said. "You know he was boning his students. Fucked Anko-chan up real good, then dumped her and started doing that white-haired medic asshole. And he's probably tossed him over for Sasuke-kun by now."
"Er... yeah..." Genma said, glancing at Raidou. The topic of his former student was not an easy one with Kakashi.
"Yeah, that's real perversion," Kakashi said, looking dangerously bitter and angry. "I never set out to hurt any kids."
"You didn't," Raidou said, sitting up and looking remarkably sober all of a sudden.
"I did. Fucked up with all of them." Kakashi sighed and looked down at his hands, white and scarred, holding his drink.
"Kakashi, with the exception of the Hyuuga kids, you got the most fucked up genin in Konoha to train. Before you ever had any contact with them at all." Genma leaned forward and pushed a cup of tea towards his friend.
"Don't need tea." Kakashi said, frowning.
"Yeah, well you don't need any more shochu, either."
"Ah fuck it," Kakashi said suddenly, pushing the tea away and reaching for the liquor. "If the fucking Sannin wanna take over their training, who am I to complain. I didn't wanna be a teacher anyway."
"Yeah," Genma agreed cautiously. "D-rank missions are too boring. You don't see Raidou or me wet-nursing a bunch of brats."
"Yeah, we'd rather chase criminal traitors, assassinate politicos and steal valuable state secrets any day." Raidou pulled the bottle back from Kakashi and refilled his own and Genma's glasses. Then stuck the bottle off to the side, out of reach.
"So anyway, I'm not a pervert," Kakashi said, good humor somehow finding him again.
"Nope, definitely not." Genma grinned.
"So what are you" Raidou asked, leaning against Genma again.
"Horny. Wanna fool around?"
ooo ooo ooo
Shochu is a distilled spirit made from rice, barley or other grains. It is more popular, and much more alcoholic, than sake.
Special thanks for Momo for the idea that Kakashi keeps other books in an Icha Icha slipcover, and to Meleth for the notion of bonbons.
Parts of this story inspired by RPing with Momo (the Ibiki parts, and the amateur porn, in particular)
Thanks for Momo, Kiki and Midare for pre-reads.