Lulu

It's hard to explain, but...I don't want you to leave. My feelings and thoughts are so confused; as I watch you make your round of goodbyes, I try to sort them out.

The first time I saw you, I was angry, confused. Your face…I know an outsider couldn't understand it, but there's something in it that reminds me of one long dead. Your faces don't carry too much resemblance, except the deepness of your eyes…. Only someone who has stared into Chappu's eyes like I have could understand.

I argued and scoffed at Wakka countless times about you. I didn't know what to think. Your loud mouth, your clueless questions…I knew you were either trying to be obnoxious or funny, and I was determined to squash that desire. So I remained calm and answered all those idiot's questions. I wouldn't, couldn't believe they were genuine.

But as those questions and clueless looks continued coming, I gradually saw you were telling the truth. I began to accept you, maybe even like you…But even as I did so, I grew more and more alarmed. You weren't going away.

Why didn't you leave before Yuna looked at you and said, 'I want you to be my guardian.'? Why couldn't you go before that spark appeared in your eyes? Then I wouldn't be weeping for you now….

I saw your determination, before I really saw anything else. When Sin attacked Kilika, when we fought off that sinspawn, when all seemed lost in Luca. Thank you…. You gave Wakka hope, before he even knew your name. Only you could make him see that winning doesn't matter all the time. He is…stronger now because of what you did for him, and the Aurochs. I nearly told Wakka that day. Nearly. 'I like you this way,' I said. That's the closest I've ever come.

I was angry with you when your inattention lost Yuna. But I forgave you, in my heart, by the end of that day, when you alarmed us all with your fake laughter. But Wakka was more worried than I. Yuna had once told me about her formula for success. I must confess, I've never actually tried it, but it seems to work for Yuna. I have a feeling I'll hear fake laughter quite often now…

You brought Sir Auron to us; though I still don't understand your connection to him, I know you were essential to his guardianship. He is…was…stoic, silent, filled with dark secrets…. I must say, he's rather like me. A little, perhaps.

I'm still not sure what I felt during Operation Mi'ihen. I know I didn't like all those meaningless deaths, but…something seemed to strike true in my heart, seeing desperate men and women, Yevonite and Al Bhed, standing shoulder to shoulder, casting aside all differences and desperately throwing their lives in front of Sin. I know I don't share Wakka's former loathing of the Al Bhed, but I wondered for an instant, as I stood on the cliffs of Djose…Were the Al Bhed 'bad news' after all? It was due to them and their urging that so many people died that day. Deeper than that lay my old pain that still has not gone away. A year ago, it was the Al Bhed and the very same cause that killed Chappu.

I hated Luzzu when he told me he had persuaded Chappu to become a Crusader. I slapped him across the face as hard as I could…I lost count of how many times. I didn't have you, Tidus, to hold me back. But I suddenly blinked and saw Luzzu's wretched eyes, and the red marks my hand had made across his cheek. My rage left me, and I apologized. 'You couldn't have known what would happen,' I told him. And the same goes for you, Tidus. There was no way you could know Gatta would take you at your word and get himself killed.

You were so confident you could protect Yuna, even when we discovered so many summoners were disappearing. You were so confident! You're an inspiration. You jumped right after Yuna when the Al Bhed tried to take her away, you saved her, you saved my…. You saved Wakka.

When Rikku joined the party, I knew we couldn't keep it secret for long what she was. But I do like Rikku, very much, despite our obvious differences. She is fun to be with, as not many people are. She almost seems like your sister at times. The light hair, the cheery attitude…. And look at her now, as she hugs you close and cries. She is the very embodiment of what I wish I was. How can she be so cheerful, so free and so open? How can she let her sorrow flow out of her eyes, mingled with the love she has always felt…and shown? Her plaintive little voice crying, 'Yunie!' as her doom draws near, as the shadow covers our hearts. And she is brave, in her own unique way. Did you see how she strove to overcome her dread of thunder and lightning?

I heard what you said in Guadosalam; I heard every word. 'Romance can wait!' I half expected you to add, 'For a thousand years, if it's Seymour we're talking about!' I understood what you really meant, even if you denied it to yourself. I know how Yuna felt at the time as well, and I did not approve. You seemed too flighty, too strange and too irresponsible. Yuna has a full heart, and she willingly gives it to anyone who asks her with a 'please'. She struggled then, not knowing whether to explain everything or to keep silent and spare us worry.

But we found out anyway; I have found that secrets, especially ones as terrible as that, have a habit of becoming known. I was appalled – though not as thoroughly as Wakka – but I was prepared to do what had to be done. You seemed almost happy to kill him; you made me chuckle in my mind.

But I never dreamed what our actions would lead to. Imprisonment, your discovery of Yuna's destiny, and the change in your eyes. You seemed more determined after you knew there was no hope, and though I don't know what you said to Yuna in Macalania Woods, I do know that was what kept her going all the way to Zanarkand.

I didn't want to lose her; I never have. She is my sister. But she was giving herself up for everyone, so I thought…if she could do that, when she had so many people she loved, how could I do otherwise? I wanted to become the Final Aeon, at least until I discovered that would make me Sin. The thought still haunts me. And if you were not so insistent that there was another way, I know she would have chosen you, and you would have consented. Your bonds of love are so much tighter than mine. That has been obvious through all you've cried out in moments of crisis, how you would never give Yuna up. You have been her pillar of strength throughout this entire pilgrimage.

But Yuna…she was not destined to die after all. Miraculous though it seems, we killed Lady Yunalesca, and now no more summoners must die. And it's all because of you.

I felt for you as we fought Sin, Seymour, and Yu Yevon. I saw your father, I saw your pain…. But how strong you are! You killed him, something I am sure I could never do, were I in your place.

I didn't want to hear you, when you told us all you're going to disappear. That wasn't too long ago, but I miss our last battle together already. And there go the pyreflies, dancing about you as if you were dead. I don't understand it, but that's not what matters. What matters is…you're leaving.

Why must you go! Right when everything should be happy! We've defeated the undefeatable. I never dreamed I would live to see this happy day. So why am I crying? Yes, I'm crying, Tidus. Though you can't see any tears, my heart aches as you slowly let go of Rikku and look over at me for help. I hold out my arms to Rikku, then hug her close. I want to sob like her, to let loose all these feelings for once. But I wear a mask that forbids me to do so.

And there you are, saying goodbye to my beloved Wakka. No, I am not ashamed to say it now. Someday, someday soon, I'll tell him. You've given me the courage to do so. Won't he be surprised? You're leaving him one of the ribbons to the sword Chappu never used, to…what? 'To remember me by'? How can we forget you, Tidus? The one who's given us so much and stood by us so long can never be forgotten.

Yuna falls right through you, as though you don't exist. Why isn't she crying? You certainly are; you can never hide your tears. How I envy you.

"Thank you," she says. That's all. She speaks for all of us. I hope you see how much she loves you. It's going to be hard, without you around to make her smile. But now…I see you do understand; you're not so very clueless after all. Embracing her, trying to let go…It's hard, isn't it? But you've always been strong, so you step through her and race for the edge while you still have the strength to.

At last, a tear! I wave goodbye, just a small wave, nothing compared to the shrieking girl at my side, waving her arms vigorously and nearly hitting me in the face. Another tear; I look down at my hands and see a great wet pool cupped in my palms.

Here comes Wakka; just look at the state he's in! Should I tell him? It would cheer him up…No. Not now.

I've told myself time and time again he's much too strong. Too many blitzball muscles. He's squeezing out my breath. "Lu," he sobs, resting his head on my shoulder. I can't breathe…

I hold him, and I realize it's not his embrace that's choking me. I felt this way before, but not around him…. The tears fall thick and fast now; I'm like anyone else. I can cry after all. He's taking off my mask. It peels slowly away; I hug him tighter, and I can tell what's coming. I want to push it away, but there's something lovely about it and I want it to come. Is this how Yuna felt?

I look up at Wakka's face; he's stopped crying now and looks down on me…. I never noticed how much he looks like his brother. Their faces don't carry too much resemblance, but there's something in the deepness of his eyes. He's let go of me now; everyone's wiping their eyes. Yuna, Rikku, and Kimahri go inside. Wakka's wondering why I still stand with my arms around his waist, just staring up into his eyes. I've stopped crying, I see.

But Wakka's starting to get nervous now; he's trying to pry my arms away. I understand now. He still thinks we're nothing but best friends.

"Umm…" He doesn't want to meet my gaze; he doesn't want to give in. He never has, and why should I tempt him now? Why won't my arms move? Why am I crying again?

"W-Wakka…" Is that my voice, all quivery and broken? I sound like a sentimental old fool. Get a grip, Lulu. You do not want to say those words. Not now, not here, not when Rikku's watching curiously from the window. I clear my throat and take my arms away – Wakka sighs in relief – only to throw them around his neck. "I love you, Wakka!"