Disclaimer- When I told Mr. Squirrel that he should stop boozing up on the nuts he just have me a fermented nut. Their so tasty that I almost forgot to add that I don't own anything or I would have had a lot of $$ to buy more fermented Nuts off the squirrel.
Chapter 9In Which Ron and Hermione Learn About Quidditch
Or
I Soot You Not!
Hermione, returned from the library, and her and Harry worked on homework together, for lack of something better to do. Hermione had decided that Ron couldn't have possibly liked her and that Ginny was just bantering on like she had been for the last few weeks about her and Ron fancying each other. However, Ginny had planted a seed of possibility in Hermione's that was subliminally taking root and growing…
A loud beeping noise sounded and Ron hit the alarm clock next to the bed. He rolled over again, trying to go back to sleep. He had, had the most scary dream last night; Hermione and him had switched bodies and he, the very respectable Ronald Weasley, had gone on a date with Krum, got made up by 3 giddy girls, while Hermione had humiliated him on the Quidditch pitch. Ron couldn't remember why the darn clock had go off either. It was the weekend and he wanted to sleep. Ron's eyes flew open as the alarm went off again; he grabbed the clock and sent it flying into the hall. Then he realized that he hadn't been dreaming and began banging his head against the bedpost. In unison, Parvati and Lavender's bed curtains pulled back to reveal two girls that Ron didn't think he had ever seen before, but just turned out to be Parvati and Lavender before they had applied their makeup.
"Hermione, what is wrong with you? It is 5:40 in the morning, I need my beauty sleep," howled Lavender.
"Can't argue that," Ron muttered as he got out of bed; he had to go teach Hermione to fly. He opened Hermione's closet trying to find something comfortable to wear. Eventually he found something and ran downstairs to get Hermione, as the alarm clock went off again. Ron hexed the clock and turned it into a small pile of soot on the third step from the bottom of the Gryffindor girl's staircase.
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Hermione groaned, someone was prodding her, but her internal clock told her that it was way to early for breakfast.
"Wakey, wakey!" called a high-pitched voice from somewhere above her. Hermione declared, when she finally did get out of bed, she would have to kill Lavender for being so annoying. She was surprised that Lavender could even have such a high voice. "Up and at'em, the day is young Hermione," said the positively annoying voice.
"It's too early, go away," Hermione croaked. For some reason her voice seemed deeper than normal, but she guessed it was because it was so early.
"Look, I know that being in my bed is hard to resist, but lets go," said the voice causing Hermione to sit straight upright. Her head collided with something very hard and a whap echoed throughout the dorm.
"Bloody hell, you've got to tell people when you sit up so erratically! I nearly had a concussion!" said Ron holding his head. The events of the day before flowed back into Hermione's head, as well as a throbbing sensation where her and Ron's heads had met.
"Don't you ever make a comment to me about being in your bed, you perverted prat," Hermione said hotly.
A very surprised Ron's said, "I didn't mean it like that! Now come on and get dressed, you have to learn how to play Quidditch," Ron continued, attempting to drag Hermione from the bed.
"Ok, ok I am getting up," proclaimed Hermione, "Just give me some time to brush my teeth and take a shower."
"Stop talking rubbish Hermione, you don't need a shower, and I don't own a tooth brush, wizards these days just do a cleaning charm," Ron said, as he picked up a Weasley jumper and a pair of trousers from the floor and threw then to Hermione, "Now put those on and we can go."
Hermione stared at him open mouthed, "Your hygiene habits are disgusting! Do you have any idea where those cloths have been!?"
"Not really, but I washed them a week ago, so they can't be that dirty," Ron said offhandedly, but it was apparently not the response Hermione wanted to hear because she was looking very dangerous again.
"Well, I am not wearing it," she said crossing her hands over her chest, and began to ramble angrily, "And don't expect me to not take a shower either because-"
"-Calm down, you can take a shower after our practice. There is no point in taking it before and umm here I know these clothes are clean," Ron interrupted desperately, not wanting the rest of his dorm mates to wake up and find Hermione's body here as he tossed something from his trunk at Hermione. She did the clothing change but remained very cross. There was a scuffling and then the curtain on Harry's bed opened.
"Ron, is that you?" Harry asked, squinting at his watch, but unable to make out much more without glasses.
"Err… Ya," Hermione said.
Then Ron added in as Ron like a voice as he could manage, "Harry I am going to borrow the keys to the Quidditch shed, ok?"
"Sure whatever, but what the hell are you doing up? Breakfast isn't for a few hours. Are you sick? You don't sound good," Harry said replacing the curtains in their original place.
"I am perfectly fine," Hermione said as she gave Ron an irritable look and picked up the sticky shed keys from inside a mug that was stacked atop a large pile of things that stunk, similarly to a dungbomb.
From behind the curtains, a half asleep Harry said, "If you're perfectly fine then why do you keep talking to yourself, I could have swor…n…th…at…zzzzzz."
"Close call," Hermione said, as she exited the dorm with Ron. They walled through the corridors of the sleeping castle and found themselves on the pitch. The sun was not yet up, but the sky had lightened a bit. Hermione had followed Ron to the Quidditch shed and Ron spent several minutes unlocking the shed (apparently the key did not like his new home in the mug and it's new coating of sticky goo because it seemed very reluctant to open the shed) and getting a broom and the practice balls.
"Hermione, mount your broom and do a loop. Then I can assess what needs working on," Ron said mounting his own broom and kicking off. Hermione straddled the broom and shoved both feet against the ground, falling sideways off the broom.
Ron put his head in his hands. "Hermione you don't even know how to mount a broom! I thought we went over this in first year!" Ron said in desperation.
"It's not my fault I forgot how to do it," Hermione said aggravated.
"Let me get this straight, you forgot something? You, Hermione Granger, who has never missed more than one question on a test, who remembers every little ity bity detail of every book she has ever read, can't remember how to do something as simple as mount a broom!?!?"
"That's a bit over the top! I missed 3 questions on a potions exam in 5th year."
"Oh, I am sure it was devastating," Ron said sarcastically rolling his eyes.
"It was. Do you have any idea how much extra credit it took to get my grade back up?"
"Whatever, ok lets just get back to flying," Ron said landing on the ground.
"Ok, ok."
"Follow my lead," Ron said as he remounted the broom slowly, so Hermione could see exactly how to do it. Hermione tried to follow Ron's example, but she wasn't as graceful.
"Ron, sitting like this is really hurting my … err… you know…" Hermione said uncomfortably turning red as her hair.
"There is not much you can do about that," Ron said, "No pain, no game."
"Isn't that lovely," Hermione said sarcastically shifting to try and get more comfortable.
"Ok, now that you have mounted the broom lift one foot up and give a light tap on the ground," Ron said ignoring Hermione's latest comment. Ron shot into the air followed by a wobbly Hermione, and they landed and repeated the movement for a good 20 minutes before Ron was satisfied with her take off.
"Now let's see how you flying is, do a few laps," Ron said.
"Do I have to? My bum's gone numb and I must have already gotten three splinters," Hermione complained.
"Look on the bright side Hermione! You don't have blister," Ron said clearly enjoying Hermione's torment. "Now I want to see some laps!" Hermione slowly wobbled her way around the pitch, close to the ground, much to Ron's discontent. "Hermione my grandmother could go faster than you, even on her ancient broom," Ron said raising his hands in fury.
"It is not my fault I am afraid of heights, and this broom doesn't seem safe at all," Hermione pouted.
"You have faced death eaters, Voldemort, trolls, and countless other horrific feats, but you don't want to hover more than a few feet above the ground? Hermione that is pathetic," Ron said a plot forming in his mind to get Hermione to move faster, he continued, "I bet you couldn't even catch me if I sat here for a whole hour."
"Ronald Weasley you have gone to far, you are only a yard away!"
"Oh really? Try and tag me," Ron said, letting Hermione almost tag him before zooming off across the pitch.
"Just you wait, I'll get you," screamed the infuriated Hermione tearing off after Ron at a speed she had never gone before. Ron looked behind him and grinned; it had worked, Hermione had forgotten about her flying fear because she was so angry with Ron. Hermione continued to chase Ron for the next half an hour before Ron landed followed by Hermione who landed very ungracefully and fell to the ground. She then crawled over to where Ron stood and tagged him.
Triumphantly she said, "Ronald, you have been bested! I tagged you."
"S'only cause I let you," Ron said, "So have you gotten over you fear of flying?"
Hermione gaped at Ron, "Oh, you are sly," she scowled.
"Well at any rate, I think you have earned a break, but tomorrow morning we will continue the training," Ron said.
From the ground Hermione said, "Will the torment ever end?"
"Not till you can play proper Quidditch," Ron said grabbing his and Hermione's broom and locking them in the shed. As he and Hermione made their way to the tower, Ron decided to ask Hermione a question that had been bothering him, "Hermione, is their anything I can do to these things to make them stop moving?" Ron said indicating his chest, "The whole time I was flying they here moving around like Bludgers, honestly their gonna knock someone out, and they keep getting in the way I swear they're about as big as quaffle!"
Hermione looked at them appalled, "MY BOOBS ARE NOT AS BIG AS QUAFFLES!"
"Hermione they aren't exactly snitches," Ron said. "Do you think I could shrink them?"
"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY BOOBS LIKE THEY ARE QUIDDITCH BALLS, AND DON'T TRY TO DO ANY MAGIC ON THEM. TRY WEARING A SPORTS BRA OR SOMTHING," Hermione screeched.
"What's a sports bra?" Ron inquired.
"I can't believe I am explaining this to a boy," Hermione mumbled. "A sports bra looks kind of like a tank top that's tight and stops below the breast," Hermione tried to explain, "It holds the breasts in place."
"Wait, do you mean the things in your drawer with the lacy knee guards?"
"THOSE AREN'T KNEE GUARDS," Hermione howled, completely red because Ron was talking about her undergarments.
"Well I guess they are the stretchy part for the slingshot then right," Ron said, very proud of his newfound brilliance.
"UHG! What would I do with slingshots? They are BRAS."
"Oh," there was a bit of silence and then Ron asked, "What are they for?"
"HAVE YOU LISTENED TO A WORD I SAID?"
"Ya," Ron said recalling the conversation, "So, these slingshot brazes hold your Quidditch balls in place?"
"Your hopeless, just make sure you wear one everywhere except to sleep," Hermione said stocking off to the girls dorm. When she put her foot on the first step it turned into a slide and she was flatted to the ground. When she looked up a pile of soot (her former alarm clock) landed on is face. She wiped her eyes and found her hands where black, aggravated and black headed Hermione ran up to boys dorm completely determined to take a shower as quick as possible.
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Ron figured that he still had loads of time before breakfast so he decided to take a shower. He realized that he should ask Hermione about the password for the head lounge and head bathrooms. Lavender, Parvati, and Ginny where still asleep and Ron crept into the bathroom in search of Hermione's bathing supplies. Ron pulled back the shower curtain and was faced with row after row of bottles, shampoos, conditioners, shaving creams, body washes, bubble baths, face washes, and other things. He observed soap bars, little floofy poofy things on sticks, washcloths, razors, sweet smelling balls, and colorful salts. It was rather scary actually, like an army of shower products ready to smother him into a pulp. What was he to do? He was just a simple boy with a bottle of shampoo and conditioner and a bar of soap. How could he live through this onslaught of bathing goods? Ron backed up against the wall, or rather a cabinet and the mirror.
"Watch where you are going! My surface was just cleaned; it took ages for the house elves to get the rust off after that leak over the summer, I don't want to get scuffed up again," the Mirror said, apparently in a little better mood than the day before.
"Sorry," Ron said. Sure, he was used to mirrors talking, but this one talked too much. Then he had another idea, "Do you know which of these shower things belong to me?"
"Course, your shampoo is Rachel, your conditioner is Mark, your body wash is Cicely, your razor is Pita, and your lufa is Ronald."
"Come again," Ron said startled.
"Well its not my fault that there is no one for me to talk to except the shower stuff. Besides you always seemed to like their names, especially Ronald," the mirror said more to itself.
"Would you mind pointing them out?' Ron asked.
"If I must," she sighed, "Rachel is the red head, with the adorable black writing on the brown background. Mark her twin, same spiting image and everything except he died his hair blue. Now Cicely is a bit shy, I think she is hiding behind George, the fit bubble bath, anyways she is all pink and smells of apples. Pita is on the shower rack; she has been hiding there, red with embarrassment since Margaret caught her snogging Joe. Ronald is the red lufa up on the hook, along with the honey colored Lufa I named after you, I think their may be something going on with them, if you don't mind me telling you," the Mirror said sounding very much like Lavender and Parvati gossiping the night before. Ron picked up the items that the mirror had indicated. He was slightly disturbed that Hermione's Lufa thingy was named after him but he figured that it was only because the mirror was in a right state of battiness.
"Thanks, but you didn't have to go all soap opera on me," Ron said exiting the bathroom.
"Soap opera? Nonsense! We haven't had a singing soap in the castle for ages! There was a frog that a girl had a few years back that was known to do a Irish jig from time to time, but a singing soap has never entered this bathroom!"
Ron looked around the dorm. Now where would Hermione keep her bathing suit? He sifted through all her drawers and looked through the closet, but he couldn't find it anywhere. Finally in exasperation he sat down on the bed, or rather what was on the bed. Crookshanks' claws sunk into Ron's legs and side so that the cat was attached to Ron's butt. Yowling, Ron stood and began scruffily dancing around the floor, trying to detach the cat. If you can imagine, it was quite a sight to behold 'Hermione' with a large furry cat latched onto her butt for dear life. Parvati and Lavender pulled back their bed hangings once more to see what the commotion was and Ginny rubbed her eyes as she sat up on the floor. The three were rolling with laughter for several minutes, tears glistening in their eyes.
"DON'T JUST STAND THERE DO SOMETHING! OW! GET THIS BLOODY CREATURE OFF MY BUTT BEFORE IT FALLS OFF! DO YOU SEE THAT BLOOD, I'M DIEING!" Ron screamed (lets face, it he is a drama queen).
"Calm down Hermione and lay down on your bed, we'll pry him off!" Ginny said through fits of giggles as she rolled on the ground. Ron lay on his stomach and Ginny began to remove the claws from Ron, as he moaned and cringed. Lavender and Parvati had to come over and help detach the cat. When it was finished Crookshanks was purring contently in the middle of the bed and Ron was rubbing he bum, muttering, "Darn cat, I won't be able to sit for weeks now."
"Its your fault for sitting on your cat," Lavender pointed out.
"You might want to go to Madam Pomfry. If a cat scratch gets infected I heard it is bad news," Parvati said looking at the gashes.
"I AM NOT LETTING POMFRY EXAMINE MY BUTT!" Ron said, jumping away from Parvati.
"Ok, ok it was just a suggestion. What were you doing up so early?" Parvati questioned.
"Er… getting an early start on homework," Ron said.
"Your crazy Hermione," Lavender said. Ron decided that he didn't want to get sucked into a repeat of last night so he decided to summon Hermione's bathing suit and hightail it out of there.
"Well I really must be going, got to take a shower before breakfast," Ron said, adding, "Accio bathing suit," A floral patterned something flew at him as he walked out the door. He traveled through corridors until he came to the prefects' bathroom. He tried to pull the door open but it wouldn't budge. Drat, Ron thought, someone got to the bathroom before me, I hope they don't take ages. Ron stood outside the bathroom (butt too sore to sit) and waited… and waited… and waited, but to no avail. To amuse himself, he began looking at the bath stuff. Frankly it was really boring. Then he noticed the bathing suit He was rather surprised. The few times he had seen Hermione in a bathing suit, it had been an extremely covering one, but this bathing suit surely wasn't. 'Uh, this looks like knickers and one of those knee guard thingies… what did she call them? Oh yeah, brazes,' Ron thought.
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Hermione was taking a bath in the prefects' bathroom, enjoying the luxurious bath after her horrible Quidditch morning. The one thing she wasn't enjoying however is the fact that the soot that had fallen on her face was not coming off, no mater how hard she scrubbed. She even tried a few cleaning charms she had learned from miss Weasley, but they didn't help. When she had finished with her bath a good hour after she had started she was still black faced. Reluctantly she decided that she had to leave and check the library for a solution to her black headedness. She peaked around the door to see if the coast was clear and came face to face with herself.
"What took you s- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BEAUTIFUL FACE?" Ron howled at her.
"I didn't do anything, that soot that fell on me when I went up the wrong staircase did this and it's all your fault."
"ALL MY FAULT? ALL MY FAULT! NO IT'S NOT! WHAT DID I DO?"
"I don't know, but I know it's your fault. I just know it!"
"THAT'S SO UNFAIR," Ron said, even though we all know it was his fault, and then he added, holding up the bathing suit, "Hermione what is this?"
"Stop acting like you have never seen a bathing suit," Hermione said.
"But, but its so revealing, you can't expect me to wear it. These Bludgers of yours will fall right out of it!"
"It's not my fault that I couldn't fit my regular bathing suit in my trunk with all my books! AND MY BOOBS ARE NOT BLUGERS!"
"Your right they're quaffle," Ron said ducking into the bathroom before Hermione could pulverize him.
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A/N- I got the most reviews ever for this chapter, so I was like I have to get out and write, write, write. I also thought it was time for a little humor, cause my chapters seem to be getting a little skimpy on it. Anyways my beta and sisters where just rolling when they read the Quidditch boob thing. Oh by the way I have walking pneumonia, and have been sick for 2 weeks, doesn't that suck. God you've got to love Ron! He really is great, and such a drama queen! And remember review because it reminds me to write, and give ideas for things that can happen cause Hermione seems to be getting off when it comes to horrible things happening (probably cause Ron has such funny reactions and I like to write him better).
Reviewers-
Prongs312- scold me all you want I will still think it is all bloody hilarious! And what about poor Hermione? Things are happening to her too. Yes Ginny knows they switched bodies. She was easedroping on them. Remember? Go read chapter 6 again!
Blake-Tori88- I am glad you thought it was funny. I was pretty sure that chapter was pretty lame when it came to comic relief, but I guess I was wrong which makes me super happy! I am glad you like the plot. I have some ideas for things that are happening in the future that are going to be funny, but I am not exactly sure where it will end, so it will be a mystery for all of us. We will just have to see where the creativity leads us! Ginny does make a good matchmaker, doesn't she?
Bhekie- yep, poor Ron, but I wouldn't torture him so much if it wasn't so fun! Besides I think he may get more, wanted kisses in the future.
B2bbrules3326- that's horrible, I hate it when stories get deleted. Glad you like the chap. I am honored.
Mental357- sigh, the mirror is great isn't it? I think I will make her an important part of the story. I also think she may be going through menopause. I am gonna have some fun with that.