Disclaimer: Mr. Squirrel is refusing to hand over any more nuts he said something about hiding them for the winter. I told him that tomorrow he wouldn't remember where he put them and he should just let me eat them but he told me squirrels never forget. I told him there was a difference between elephants and squirrels; he told me there wasn't. I told him he was delusional and that he couldn't even remember that I own the plot of this story. H told me tat I owned everything but the plot, I told him he was a nuttier and was wrong.
Chapter 10In which we meet the Hermione beastie
Or
Want Some Eggs?
MY BOOBS ARE NOT BLUGERS!"
"Your right they're quaffles," Ron said ducking into the bathroom before Hermione could pulverize him…
Ron thought that he was in for a quick shower, but he wasn't, which soon became apparent. Ron was washing his hair or rather Hermione's tangled mop, and he realized that Hermione's hair needed a lot more care than his own. It took ages for him to comb out all of the knots, and she had so much hair that it took much longer to rinse the suds and conditioner out of her hair. When he was done with the hair, he then washed the rest of his body and he winced several times as he touched the gashes left by the cat. Despite his fuss earlier about how Hermione's 'quaffles' wouldn't fit into the bathing suit, they fit quite nicely. When he had finished with the bath he did the cloth's changing charm. He noticed that his 'quaffles' were not moving around as much after putting on one of the bra, but the thing was uncomfortable.
He set off for breakfast after returning Hermione's army of bath goods. The Mirror had been bantering on about some other mirror named Eddie that tried to swindle her into getting married, but she had apparently pushed him off the wall. Ron had decided to ignore the mirror, because it was obviously not in its right mind. When he got to breakfast he began shoveling food into his mouth, Quidditch practice always made him hungry.
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Hermione had put back her shower stuff in Ron's room. "I'm surprised this room hasn't swallowed him whole," she muttered looking at the disgusting state of the 7th year boy's dorm. If Lavender and Parvati saw this, they would be turned off Gryffindor boys forever, Hermione was convinced. She then headed to the library; she didn't want anyone to catch sight of her before she had removed the soot. She flipped through Quick Cleaning Charms and Norton's Guide to Mess Removal but it wasn't much help. She realized that she couldn't think on an empty stomach, 'oh god I sound like Ron,' Hermione moaned in her head. She checked out Magical Mess Be Gone and headed to the great hall.
She plopped down next to Ron; there were only a few other people up. Ron had fallen asleep on his eggs much to Hermione's disgust.
She shook him awake and she said, "Can you please put at least some effort into making me not look like a complete idiot."
"Sorry, its just that the eggs looked so warm and comfortable and I was so tired," he said, groggily as his head traveled to the plate once more.
"I will not have you sleeping in your food while you're in my body," she said lifting his head up. Ron reluctantly sat upright and then brightened as he grabbed his fork and began eating again. Hermione looked at him sickened, "You just slept on them and now your eating them!"
"Yepth, I'm not aboot to waste a plate of perectly goof eggs. I men the warmth and everything!" Ron said mouth full of eggs.
"Perfectly good?! They're dirty; your hair is one of the dirtiest parts of your body and it was on them!"
"Come on Hermione don't get in a huff, I just washed my hair not an hour ago," Ron said realizing that he forgot to put syrup on his eggs, he grabbed a pitcher of syrup and put a generous amount on his plate.
"Well your going to have to wash the hair again, because you got eggs in it!"
"No I don'th, my hairm looks fine," Ron said as a bit of egg fell out of his mouth onto his shirt.
"Oh yes, you must be right I mean eggs in your hair that just spells stunning," Hermione said sarcastically.
"I knew you would come around. Want some eggs? They're really good," He said offering Hermione his plate of eggs and syrup.
"No thank you, that's disgusting. You're going to make yourself sick," Hermione said, face plastered in repulse.
"Whatum are you talk aboot it'sth delicious. And my stomachs madne of iron, if it canth take getting hit with one of Frewb's Bludgers, it camn takeg a bit of eggens and symrup," Ron said through gaps of shoveling food in his mouth.
"Well if you forgot, that's now my tummy you are talking about, and my stomach definitely can't take that much food," Hermione said pointing to her former, petit, stomach.
"I am sureth this tummg can hanble it," he said patting his tummy, "Besildes I am stillth hunnggry."
"Ron it takes 20 minutes for your stomach to register that is to full, now slow down before you take someone's eye out," Hermione scowled as Ron's fork narrowly missed her ear.
"No, hen I am hunggry I eatn, it's a Weasmey tradithtion and I am noter aboots to break it," Ron said defiantly as he hosed the table down with eggs and syrup from is mouth.
"I think I am going to be sick," Hermione said holding her stomach and her mouth.
"Nontense, you'ren the one mho has three ironing tummgy, rememfer," Ron said as he patted his former stomach with a syrup-covered hand.
"EWWWWWW. You ever heard of wiping your hands? And I do not understand what you are saying; I don't have three ironing stomachs!" Hermione said as she tried to dislodge the syrup from her shirt.
"I said the iron stomach not three ironing stomachs, gees Hermione learn how to speak English!" Ron said slowly pronouncing the words as though she were a baby who didn't understand. Then after shoveling more food into his mouth and spewing eggs everywhere he added, "Ad of courseth I have hearh of wippthing mym hands, what didn you thimk, my mob didn't teath me any table manthors or soonthing?"
"I surly couldn't tell; you act like some kind of caveman. All we need is an animal hide and no one would know the difference. We could go to a muggle scientist and proclaimed we found the missing link between humans and apes," Hermione said smugly.
Smiling Ron said dreamy voice, "I can see it now, (then adding in a deep reporterly voice) exclusive from the Daily Prophet live at Hogwarts. Our favorite head girl has gone off her rocker folks, yes that right; she has gone back to the dark ages ("I don't think you know when the dark ages are, they're the medieval ages in Europe and I certainly haven't gone there!"). Here we are in her natural habitat interviewing her fellow classmates on this remarkable discovery. They say she has been eating all morning after reawakening on her eggs. I quote one of her classmate, 'she acts like a caveman. All we need is an animal hide and you couldn't tell the difference. We could take her to a muggle scientist and proclaim she is the missing link between human and ape.'" Ron said turning to Hermione and seeing the look on her face he added, "As we watch the beast herself notice how she glowers in rage at us. Oh do catch that on film; it will look lovely on the front cover. Notice the rage glowing in her eye, the beastly way she positions herself before she strikes, this is one nice specimen of a beast if I do say so myself. Come lets go interview her close up! Now remember what we learned from care of magical creatures, the Hermione Beast is highly dangerous and destructive! Much like a hippogriff you don't want to anger it. They are only found in the grounds of Hogwarts, and rarely leave their protective niche of the library. So this is a good time to examine the creature, when she does not have large books to throw at you! Now lets see what she has to say," Ron said flourishing the goblet he was pretending was a microphone in her direction.
Hermione took Magical Mess Be Gone and hit him on the head with it, "Oh hush, I am not 'dangerous and destructive' you're the one who can't eat without covering everyone less then a meter way from you with your dinner," she said as she picked off a bit of egg and added, "Now I am going to have to take another shower."
"Nonsense, haven't you heard of wiping your hands," Ron said with an eggy grin, "And besides your rack is what is so 'dangerous and destructive' it could clobber you to death! Why do guys call theses things racks anyway? They don't look like racks they're more like bloody shelves to catch any falling food. They're kind of growing on me. It's like having a third hand," Ron finished. He had realized how annoyed she got when he mentioned her boobs so he had decided to do it more often.
Hermione clenched her teeth in her mind she told herself, 'don't let him get the better of you, calm down, at least he isn't referring to them as Quidditch balls any more. What was that positive power thing that my mom was telling me about? Something like say how you feel not what you think the other person is.' Hermione took a deep breath and thought what she would say, before saying, "Ron you make me livid when you converse about my breast like they are inanimate matter that are not part of my body, but they are an extremely concealed part of my body and I desire you to cease discussion about my cleavage immediately."
Ron stared at her a piece of egg fell out of his mouth and then he said, "Bloody Hell, please don't scare me like that ever again. I look right scary when I say intelligent things, but with big words like you used I think the sight would be a worse shock then seeing…a grim."
Hermione could not help but laugh, maybe she should start thinking over what she said more often. She could dumfound people with her answers if she used really big words, but then people might think that she was being a know it all.
"Since I don't have a bib for you, I think it better I teach you proper table edict," Hermione pronounced.
"There is another one," Ron exclaimed putting his hand over his ears.
"Another what?"
"Another big word!"
"What big word? The longest I said was 6 letters long!"
"Well not big I guess but sophisticated. Oh no now I said one!"
"See Ron big, sophisticated, words aren't anything to be afraid if!"
"Yes it is, imagine if I came home saying things like, 'proper table edict,' Fred and George would tease me about being a prick for ages. They would say I am following Percy down the path of darkness."
"At least Percy didn't have to perform a cleaning charm every time he ate," Hermione said looking through her book to find a food removing charm. She pulled out her wand and said "edibilous" and the mess of eggs and syrup disappeared.
"Hey, your cleaning charm didn't get rid of the black stuff on that beautiful face of mine," Ron added, he couldn't have Hermione going around like that if everyone thought it was him.
"Everything I have tried hasn't worked, so I am just going to continue my research in the library."
"Continue, CONTINUE! WE HAVE A CRISIS ON OUR HANDS! YOU HAVE RECKED MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! WE NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL WING AND GET MADAM POMFRY'S MEDICAL HE LP! I MEAN IF THE HEAD OF OUR CLASS COULDEN'T FIX IT, WHO CAN? BETTER YET DUMBLEDORE, YES HE WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO!" Ron said gasping for breath. Several onlookers assumed that 'Hermione' was complaining about a bit of egg that was left on 'her' face after the cleaning charm and figured that it was just another row between Ron and Hermione.
"Calm down, calm down I have hardly checked the books. I am sure there is a perfectly logical reason why it didn't come off with the cleaning charms. There is no need to get Dumbledore or Pomfry," Hermione said hurriedly, after all, the library could solve anything.
"But… but my beautiful face has gone black. Such beauty, such grace, but it is gone at length," Ron said dramatically, wiping his brow.
"Honestly, have you ever thought of going into theater? You would probably make a killing in tragic romance," Hermione said and as an afterthought she added, "And I don't see what the loss is."
"Ok, so maybe I stole that line from a muggle film my dad made me watch (N/A I just made this bit up if you are wondering), but don't pretend you don't know what the loss is. The loss is my beautiful face and the grace and innocence that my face shows the world."
"That's a load of bullock if I ever did hear one. Personally I would be perfectly happy never seeing it again."
"Do you mind? It's like there has been a death in the family. Could you show a little sympathy?"
"That's it! Why am I even putting up with you? You're such a drama queen! Is it too much to ask for you to be serious occasionally?" Hermione said; she was fed up with Ron's temper tantrums, and boyish behavior.
Hermione got up and was about to leave when Ron grabbed her arm and said, "Hermione don't leave. I was just having a bit of fun, but could you please try and get rid of the blackness. Otherwise, you will get teased by Malfoy non stop and I don't want you to have to deal with him." (Ok, so maybe Ron was lying a bit here because he didn't want anyone to see his face. But lets let him get away with a lie for once.)
"Fine, I will stay, but only because I am hungry," Hermione said sitting down and poring a glass of pumpkin juice as Ron nibbled on a bit of toast. Hermione looked up at the staff table and noticed that Krum wasn't up yet. It probably would have gone unnoticed if it wasn't for the fact that Krum always walked into the great hall at 9 o'clock on a Sunday morning in red robes and said hello to her, without fail. Other mornings she would feel his gaze on her back, but today he was nowhere to be found. She was actually be rather pleased about this if it wasn't for the fact that she remembered that 'she' had met with him the day before. She turned to Ron who was now contently devouring a peach covered in chocolate sauce (N/A ok so I am running out of breakfast foods please don't shot me!). "Why isn't Victor up?"
"Musta had a lay-in," Ron said casually licking the chocolate off his fingers.
"Are you sure? Did you do something un-me-like when you met him yesterday?" Hermione questioned, "And would you mind using this napkin to wipe your hands, your table manors are simply barbaric."
"That's a waste of perfectly good chocolate sauce!" Ron said and then added, "I reacted just how you would have reacted in the situation."
"What situation?" Hermione said suspiciously narrowing her eyes. Ron told her about the 'date', however, when he got to the part about the kiss Hermione was less than thrilled.
"YOU DID WHAT?" Hermione screamed.
"I ran away of course. I am not about to be caught alone with a randy guy who just kissed me; think what he could have tried next," Ron said, obviously still scarred from the experience.
"Ron, do you not know anything about anything?" Hermione said exasperatedly. Krum probably hated her now. The fact was Krum really fancied her, but she didn't feel the same way. She thought Krum was a wonderful person and a great mate but she just didn't get that tingly blissful sensation that love caused from him. Hermione didn't want to hurt him, but she didn't want to lead him on at the same time. 'How could Ron do something so horribly cruel to Victor?' she wondered to herself.
She was brought out of her flurry of thought as Ron said, "Course I know things."
She put her head down and said, "That's not what I meant. Ron did it ever accurse to you to think about Victor's feelings? He probably hates me now."
"At least now he wont try to kiss me again. Do you have any idea how long I had to wash my lips?"
"I don't care how long you washed your lips, Ron! Victor understands me and we are mates, in a situation like that you can't just run off! Ron could you please take your egotistic heads out of the clouds for a second and think about the pain you caused someone I care about?" Hermione said angrily.
"Hermione, if you didn't realize mates don't snog each other," Ron said.
"He probably tried to kiss me because he fancies me and wanted to know if I fancied him back. You shouldn't have run away, what am I gonna do now?"
"Never talk to him again!" Ron said, he thought Krum was a menace to society after all.
"Big lot of help you are," Hermione said sarcastically. She was about to continue her frantic moaning when Harry, Ginny, and Jeff (N/A remember Jeff is the beater for Gryffindor) entered the great hall.
"… Anyways Kelp clams that we should stick wood eating spiders (N/A made these spiders up) in the Slytherin broom shed," Jeff continued.
"We can't do that, or my brother would flip when he was the size of those spiders," Ginny laughed, "but could you imagine the face of Malfoy when he saw his broom after the spider got at it, that would be wicked priceless."
"Maybe we should put some spider repellent on our shed," Harry said worriedly as they arrived on the opposite side of the table as Hermione and Ron. "What's wrong with Ron?" Harry inquired as he noticed 'Ron' with his head down.
"I am completely furious with that prat," 'Ron' said pointing to 'Hermione'.
"Why did you even ask? You already knew the answer," Jeff said.
"What's that suppose to mean?" Ron said, "it's not always my fault!"
"But most of the time it is," Ginny said grabbing some toast and buttering it.
"Perfect flying conditions, that should cheer you up," Jeff said fighting Ginny for the butter.
"Aw a perfect day to sit on a stick and get splinters in my arse," Hermione said in mock enthusiasm.
"Geeze someone really sat on his happiness, didn't they?" Ginny whispered to Harry. The owls began to swoop overhead with the mail. Pig landed in Hermione's pumpkin juice with a large splash. A leg with a letter attached was visible but nothing else. Ginny picked up the bird and removed the parchment. Pig shook himself off (much like a dog) covering everyone with pumpkin juice and landed in 'Hermione's' hair where he began making a nest.
"That bird is just about as hazardous as Ron when it comes to table manors," Harry said wiping juice off his face.
"Can someone do soothing about this bird," Ron inquired as he tried to get pig out of his hair. Pig only scrunched up smaller and dig deeper into the bushes mess of hair, trying to escape the hands and hide some toast in his new home. Ginny grabbed Pig after a bit of struggle and dried the bird off with her napkin before feeding it raisins from a near by bowl. Pig cooed happily as Ron tried to get the toast crumbs out of his hair. Jeff and Ginny began laughing at the strange noises Pig was making that strangely resembled the sound that a dieing llama might make.
"What's the letter say," Harry asked. Hermione opened the letter and read it allowed.
"Dear ickle Ronickins,
Mum is having a cow ever since you and Ginny left for school. Every time we stop off at the burrow to do the laundry she keeps bantering on like a mad hatter about "all her babies growing up and left the nest." I swear its like she doesn't want us to have clean clothes or something, every time we come she just starts sobbing. Fred and I have been putting off doing laundry for two weeks, but we had to do it yesterday because we were down to the pink fairy knickers that Mum bought us last year and the orange elephant jumper Percy sent back on his birthday. (Just between you and me Fred had to wearing a dress we found in the back of his closet. Yes I know we are all very proud of him getting in touch with his feminine side, but you see what pain we are in.) Anyways back to the point, Fred and I don't know how to do our own laundry and we can't go back to the burrow again with mom in this state. Fred suggested getting dad to knock her up, but we don't really want to think about that plan. So we have written to ask you to see if you know how to wash cloths. Write soon.
-George
PS. Come to Christmas and bring lots off people so we can survive mum.
PPS. How is our legend holding up?
I have to go because Fred is about to find me and hex me for shrinking his nose. He is a little slower than unusual seeing as he is still stuck in the dress cause I shrunk that too! Anyways do send me a toilet seat if Pig can manage (and don't forget clothes washing instructions)."
"Why did he write to Ron?" Ginny asked, "I don't think he even knows where the laundry is done."
Hermione didn't know much about how wizards do laundry so she decided to keep her mouth shut.
"I will write George, Ron," Ginny said, "besides I need to order some of their products."
"How is their business going?" Jeff asked, who saw the twins as something close to gods
because of their Quidditch talent.
"Fairly well I would say," Harry said, who had seen their business over the summer.
"The twins were working on a new product at the end of the summer but they wouldn't tell me what it was," Ginny said. Ron and Hermione hadn't really gotten into the conversation like Jeff, Ginny, and Harry. Ron was thinking about a way to remove the soot and Hermione was thinking about the pickle she had got herself into with Krum. Every one stopped talking and turned as Terry walked over to where they sat.
"Morning everyone," Terry said and then turned to Ron (who of course he thought was Hermione) and added, "Hermione, after the prefect meeting we should meet to talk about the Hogsmead visit because Dumbledore wants the plans finalized on his desk Monday." Ron looked like a deer caught in the headlight he looked over at Hermione who looked at Terry and shock her head yes as though to say that's what you should do.
"Yeah, sounds great where shall we meet," Ron stuttered.
"Head common room of course, I will get some snacks and bring my notes. But don't forget your notes because I ran out of parchment for the last 15 minutes of the last meeting."
"Sure no problem," Ron said very unsurely.
"Thanks Hermione, your such a doll," Terry said giving Ron a peck on the cheek before walking to the Ravenclaw table. Ron rubbed his cheek furiously. 'Why was Terry kissing 'Hermione' on the cheek?' Ron wondered. He sat blankly, thinking, as people chatted around him unaware of his current train of thought. Then it hit Ron like running into a hard brick wall, a very hard brick wall with concrete behind it.
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A/N- yes shoot me now! I know people don't like cliffhangers but I really wanted to write one! Anyways this chapter is a little random but I tried to stay on the plot and at least it is kind of long right. I was thrilled to get so many reviews it made my day. Sorry it took so long the post thins chapter because my comp is having major problems and my beta is being no count again. I wrote this chapter like weeks ago it gets very aggravating when she gets bored.
PS. DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!!!
Reviewers-
Prongs312- Sorry dear Hannah, but I can't or they wouldn't learn their lesson. See the thing is they aren't going to suddenly jump onto each other and snog like no tomorrow cause that's not realistic. But don't worry they wont be in each other's bodies forever.B2bbrules3326- I am so glad you like that chapter. I thought it was a stroke of genius. I like the clueless Ron too he is so much funnier! And I will try and keep writing!
Original Mercedes Benz- glad you find this funny keep reviewing!
Ana Kate- Sorry it is hard to tell who is talking. I will try to make it less confusing but it is kind of hard! Cheerio!
BandChic13-sorry about the spelling. I will change it eventually when I have the time! Hope you enjoy!
Bhekie- sigh… your right they are adorable!
Fanglessphysco- thanks for reviewing! Now it is time for you to edit! Yay!
Mental357- delighted you like the soap opera. It was sad that the mirror didn't play such a big part in this chapter! But don't worry she will be back eventually!