Disclaimer- Fermented nuts are far too hard to come by and I felt sorry for the poor cat cause it's so snowy so I decided to eat some muffins instead. Frankly if you don't like muffin, especially the cheese kind, you're more of a nutter than Mr. Squirrel. At least you know that I didn't make up anything but the plot and a few delusional characters though.
Chapter 12In Which the Head Girl Gets Drunk
Or
What Cha Think Those Lips are for? Snogging?"Hermione, don't look at the color, look deeper. Some say that eyes are the windows to one's soul. That look is unmistakably the look one has when they are in love. After all I should know, I wear it often," Terry said. Terry and Ron were only half a foot apart; Ron eyes bulged in surprise, as Terry stared at him trying to drive a point home. Ron prayed to all the almighty powers of above (even the Muggle gods) that Terry was not about to kiss him. Terry's face loomed a few inches closer and his eyes closed…
Time slowed down for Ron as though the world wanted him to suffer for the longest time possible.
"LOOK A DUCK!" Ron screamed, pointed furiously out the window. Terry backed up from Ron and eyes flickered open in perhaps surprise. "Oh, you just missed it," Ron said with a smirk. He was feeling quite smitten with himself for thinking up such a great way to get out of the kiss. Now he didn't have to sell his soul to some muggle god in return for not getting kissed.
Terry said, with a somewhat displeased voice, as he rubbed his ear, "Gee, next time you have the sudden urge to point out random poultry, would you mind not shouting it in my ears? One second I am trying to readjust your pillow and then in the blink of an eye I have got temporarily deaf. Are you sure that there are only two side effects to these drugs?"
'Readjusting a pillow, a likely excuse, not. It wasn't a coincident that he had just happened to 'blink' as he lowered himself to 'readjust the pillow' after essentially confessing his undying love to Hermione. He definitely had, had anterior motives when he lowered himself, but he had been foiled again by the Amazing Ronald Weasley," Ron thought evilly.
"I quite agree with Mr. Boot, Miss. Granger, screaming like a banshee is definitely not a good idea; you are disrupting the patients," Madam Pomfry pointed out.
-
Hermione was deep into the bog of a year and a half worth of male's mess when she started to discover the darker side of Gryffindor males under Seamus' bed.
"Whoa," Hermione gasped in surprise as she turned what she thought was a Quidditch magazine over. A rather scantily dressed witch was winking at her from atop the cover showing off altogether too much cleavage. She threw the whole stack of dirty magazines into the trash.
"I don't think I will ever be able to look at that boy again," she muttered under her breath in disgust. After finding twenty other issues of Witch's finest, Hermione deduced that it might be best to go into the bathroom before she barfed on the carpet. There were quite a few towels draped over a something that was muttering loudly. She pulled off the towels and a large mirror was revealed.
"Thanks for rescuing me from those evil towels, and might I add that you are quite fit today," The mirror exclaimed.
"Thanks," Hermione scoffed, as she looked back at herself (or Ron's-self) that was sweaty and frazzled.
"The pony tail is quite becoming, but if you took off your shirt we would have a lot more to work with," the mirror informed her.
"Are you a male mirror or am I missing something?" Hermione asked who was becoming uncomfortable with the mirror hitting on her.
"If I were a female mirror, what would I be doing in the male bathroom? And even if there is a reason for a female mirror to be in here, you're definitely not missing anything. You package looks quite large, but if you are still worried we can remove your burdensome trousers and check it out," the mirror said in a seductive deep voice.
"I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT!" Hermione wailed racing from the bathroom. She ran as far away from that horrid place as possible, well until she fell down the stairs. She landed on the bottom with a thud. She put one of Ron's large hands up to her lip before bringing it in front of her face; the fingertip was covered with a few droplets of blood. Her head sank to the ground and she began to sob, not from the pain so much as all the anxiety, anger, tension and fear that had built itself up since her fight with Ron.
'Why did I of all people have to get stuck Ron's body? He is a horrible person who… Was so horribly kind and funny that you couldn't help but to adore him… WHAT AM I SAYING?… He is a nasty womanizer who only cared about his sugar intake and his bloody broom! …Not that he didn't have a wonderful 'broom'… I am repulsed by myself! How could I think such a thing? It's all the fault of that horrid mirror, putting disgusting ideas into my head. AHHH! I really can't take much longer, just in the last twenty minutes I have been nearly murdered by a pile of clothes, come into close contact with pornographic magazines, and had a gay mirror try to get my cloths off…' Hermione thought as she sobbed loudly in the middle of the common room.
"What do you recon we do about him?" A fifth year whispered to a nearby first year.
"Donno, you tell me; you're the prefect," The first year whispered back.
"What makes you think I am a prefect HUH?"
"Well it couldn't possible be the prefect's badge on you robe could it?" the first year said, pointing to the badge that was right at eye level.
"Where is the Head Girl when you need her!" the prefect said marching of after throwing his hand in the air.
-
Harry had gotten the feeling that he was rather unwanted in the hospital wing when Pomfry informed him that if he did not stop taking up the already scarce space she would personally see to it that he was hoping around in a pink bunny suit for the reminder of the year. So for that reason he was found returning from the hospital wing broom in hand. When he entered the common room he noticed a small crowd was surrounding something (or someone). On further deduction he induced that it was Ron owing to the person's flaming red hair. Harry was extremely frightened; Ron wasn't the type to collapse bawling to the floor.
"What's up," Harry said very carefully to 'Ron'.
"It's all so unfair," the human lump sobbed. Yep this was very unlike Ron indeed. Harry wasn't sure what to do with Ron so he did the only sensible thing in this kind of situation.
"Wanna go fly," Harry asked. It obviously wasn't as sensible as Harry had previously thought; 'Ron' looked ready to kill.
"I DON'T WANT TO FLY, I DON'T WANT TO THROUGH STUPID BALLS AROUND IN THE AIR, AND I DON'T WANT TO BE DEVOURED BY YOUR ROOM!" Hermione shrieked.
"Ok, ok," Harry said. He hadn't had much experience with calming Ron down; he usually was just grumpy and moody, which required no real calming. Besides when it got really bad, Hermione was always there to save the day, being rather naturally good and comforting people. Why did they have to fight so much? It made life so much harder for him.
"Ahh, I can't stand this!" Hermione said marching out into the hall. Harry followed a few seconds after but had already lost her… or him… or whoever.
If there was one thing that can be said about Hogwarts it is when someone really wants to be alone, they are impossible to find. With all of Hogwarts' busy passages and trap doors that made it ever so easy to find places, it was still impossible for Harry to find Hermione. Hermione ran through the corridors, not sure where she was going. All she knew was that she felt very trapped.
Hermione had been running for several minutes, when she finally stopped at a cross road in the corridors. There she stood panting, when she noticed a very curious thing: a rather frazzled street sign stood in the middle of the corridor. One of the sign's pointed to the left and read Shrink Simmons. Hermione being the learned person she was decided to investigate this corridor, after all she had come to the realization that she needed a bit of professional help. Not far down the hall there was a door, or more precisely half a door. It was in fact no taller than midriff.
Hermione knocked on the door and was replied to by a voice from inside that said, "Come in."
She turned the doorknob and crawled inside. A fire dimly lit the room. A desk stood in the center and the room's occupant was faced away from Hermione so that all she could see was the topmost of his head behind the large chair.
"I… er…came here…. Um… you must be Shrink Simmons," Hermione said stumbling for words.
"Nah, I am surely not Shrink Simmons; I was just to lazy ter change the signs. Shrink Simmons is the midget who's office this use ter be, frankly he was a horrible decorator." the person in the chair told Hermione.
"Then who are you?" Hermione asked, now contemplating what she was doing here.
"Reckoned ye might ask that. Me name's uncle Moe-Joe," the person said swiveling around in his chair. Hermione was expecting a neatly combed man in a fitted suit like she had seen in many a light night movie, but she was mistaken. There sat a man dress in pirate's attire; he had gold hoops through his ears, long straight hair was partly covered with a green bandana and in his hand there was a large bottle of firewisky.
"Are you the SHRINK?" Hermione asked in amazement. She wasn't so sure she wanted professional help any more.
"Argh! Are you contemplating my professional talents! I will have ye know that I graduated second in pirate's academy and passed me psychology test by a point on the third time," Uncle Moe-Joe said as he swaggered with his bottle. "Take yer seat, I will if up all ye mental problems in a jiffy."
Hermione sat down unsure and said half to herself, "Where should I start?"
"Hush, I see everything," Moe-Joe said, as his eye that was not covered by a patch looked this way and that.
"If you see everything then why are you stuck in a midget's old office," Hermione said, obviously thinking Dumbledore was a nutter for letting a drunken pirate solve mental problem.
"Everything be me pet ferret! I only have one deadlight; how could I see everything?" Uncle Moe-Joe said defiantly.
"Aren't pirates supposed to have pet parrots not ferrets?"
"Shows just how much ye know about pirating! Parrots only live for a few months in this climate. Besides if ye are stuck on a ship for too long, ferret meat tastes loads better."
"I think I am going to be sick," Hermione said, repulsed at the idea of eating a pet.
"Matey, this be nothing. Ye try drinkin Rum while yer ships be thrown to the winds in the middle of a hoedown," Moe-Joe said slamming his fist down.
"Wait a tick," Hermione said suddenly coming to a realization, "If you are a pirate then where is your ship? Every proper pirate has to have a ship."
"Blimey, there be no such thing as a proper pirate, don't ye know that? As for me ship it's rigged up in the back," he said, pointing to a door. Hermione looked very skeptical, how could you fit an entire ship through a midget's door? "Don't be get'in any ideas going in there and raiding me treasure or ye will find ye innards on my cutlass. Now, why der ye be taken a visit to me office," Uncle Moe-Joe said putting on a pair of spectacles and doing his best to look serious. Obviously he failed, due to the fact that his glasses where over his eye patch. Now that he had asked outright what she was doing here, she wasn't sure how to explain being trapped in her ex-best friend's body.
"Er…"
"Nervous, eh? Here have some whisky, it helps loosen yer lips."
"You're a professional you can just go around offering students alcoholic beverages!"
"I can't? Well I recon I just did, so I can. Now drink up," Uncle Moe-Joe said pushing the bottle at her once more.
"I can't!"
"Yes ye can; what cha think those lips are for? Snogging? NO, there for getting ye liquor on."
"Your lips are made for consuming nutrients to keep the cells in your body energized and working properly!"
"Lad ye read to much. The answers are not in any book; it be in yer heart, out as sea. Now drink up or me might have to get the hands and have them hold ye while I pore it down that gullet of yers."
Hermione looked at the bottle, drinking was definitely against the rule, but then who would know? Even if someone did think she had been drinking they would think it was Ron not her. Timidly she took the bottle and raised it to her lips. It went down hot and made her sputter.
"There ye go, just a few more sips and we can get down to the grit of the matter."
Hermione took a few more sips. It didn't taste as bad as she had expected, in fact the aftertaste was just like butter beer. Hermione began to feel a bit woozy.
"That's enough, ye don't seem to be able to hold much liquor. Yer not a professional like me; back in the day I could drink 2 gallons of whisky and still walk in a straight line. Kids these days though, their parents just don't take to teaching them the fine art of drinking; it's a shame. Now what is yer predicament?"
"Well you see, I had this big fight with my best mate and now we aren't mates any more. He was terribly cruel! And then the next morning we woke up in each other's bodies. Since then things have just gone downhill. I don't think I can handle it much longer. I mean what if I am stuck in this body forever?" Hermione said, the fire whisky had really loosened her up and her mouth seemed to be moving without her control. Moe-Joe just sat there as though he had heard the story 100 times.
"No mortal danger? No ship racks? No sword duel? Can't ye give me a little better plot to work with here?"
"Here I am poring my soul out to you and all you tell me is that I don't have enough action?" Hermione fumed.
"Pretty much. Me father killed me mother and left me to fend for myself in the middle of the ocean on a plank of wood when I was five. I had to chew off my own leg of to survive," He said, pointing to a peg leg before continuing, "And look at me now, I am a squib trying to make a living as a psychologist who lives in a apartment where I cant even fit through the doors properly. Then here ye come with good mates, very smart, and ye still have ye leg so don't expect me to be sorry for ye."
"Well when you put it in that perspective my life doesn't look that bad," Hermione said in amazement.
"Ye right! What ye need to do is give an old lashing to whatever's getting in your way. Whip ye life back into shape. People can only control ye if ye let them; so next time this ex-mate tells ye to do something ye don't want to do, tell his to shove it up his arse. If ye are still stuck in his body forever, well at least ye got a good bone structure," Moe-Joe said, taking off the spectacles and putting his feet on the desk. Hermione was surprised to feel a lot lighter (and a bit tipsy).
"Thanks for your advise; I feel loads better," Hermione said standing up.
"Yer welcome. Please come again, bring the whole family, and don't forget to recommend me services to all yer mates!" He yelled behind Hermione as she exited, determined to set her life back on the right track.
-
Harry reentered the Hospital wing.
"Ok that's it; I told you to leave. Now it's time for the bunny suit!" Madam Pomfry howled.
"Sorry! I was just looking for Ron; he was really upset, and I thought he might have come to you," Harry panted. Ron hoped that Hermione wasn't making a fool of him. Just as soon as he was able to walk again, he was definitely going to give Hermione a word or two about embarrassing him in public.
"Why would she be in here? I am not a psychologist!" Pomfry said, who had a very short temper.
"We have a psychologist?" Harry said dumbstruck.
"Yes potter, why wouldn't we have one?" she said as though it was all common sense.
"Why didn't someone tell me this early? It could have saved me years of mental trauma!" Harry exclaimed.
"I wouldn't go that far. The Man's a nutter; he thinks he is a pirate, even sleeps in a rowboat and has very unorthodox methods. Just this week I had to give two first years' hangover potions because he got them drunk!" Pomfry exclaimed.
"Where can I find this shrink?" Harry asked; he had to find Ron.
"Sign to his office usually just appears when you need mental help. I don't think there is any other way to find him."
"Thanks anyways. Oh and Hermione, you do know your hair is blue right?" Harry said before leaving. Ron pulled a strand of curly hair in front of his face sure enough it was bright blue. He flopped back down on the bed hitting the scratches that had been given by the cat.
"OW, OW, OW!" He moaned.
"What is it?" Madam Pomfry said running over.
"Er, nothing…" Ron said not interested in Pomfry checking out his bottom, even if it was technically Hermione's. Ginny remembering the morning's incident began snickering loudly.
"Madam, Hermione here was attacked by a cat earlier this morning. We told her to come and see you but she wouldn't. It was pretty bad; she was flailing around and the cat was almost impossible to detach from her butt!" Ginny informed Pomfry. Ron sent Ginny a dangerous look.
Trying to maintain seriousness through the descriptions of Ron's morning activity, Pomfry declared, "Cat scratches are very bad if not treated carefully. Their are all sorts of things that can be transmitted, wizard grog, Toefelia-"
"I AM NOT HAVING MY BOTTOM EXAMINED!"
"Yes you are, it's standard procedure," Pomfry said pulling the bed hangings closed. Ginny heard a lot of screaming from behind the curtain for several minutes before the curtains pulled open again.
Pomfry exclaimed, "For the last time try and not sit on the cat, and then you wont go through this again. To think that you were made head girl with this attitude!" Ron rubbed his bottom involuntarily. Why did people always tell him things like that?
-
A/N- ok so the chap it a little short but I have been busy! Don't you love the psychologist, I do. I don't like this chapter much though… oh well… at least we got Hermione in a bit more. Anyways even though I did not get 10 reviews I decided to be nice and not leave a cliffhanger (praise me everyone). Next chapter will hopefully be very funny seeing as we have a drunk Hermione on our hands. EHEHEHEHEHEHE! But, I have been thinking about muffins for the last few days, even named my snowboard Senior Muffin, not that anyone is remotely interested or anything.
NOTICE! I think I may change the name and summery of this story. Any ideas? If not remember the summary and title may have changed. And don't lock me in any more bloody garages especially if you are my beta!
READ REVIEW AND ADD ME TO YOUR FAVORITS LIST! You know you want to click the button at the bottom of the page. It is calling you. It says press me press me. Bad things can happen when you don't listen to the button so press it and review!
Now to all you lovely people who listen to the button I praise you and reply to your reviews!
Bhekie- Ron got out of this last kiss, but will he get out of the next? Ohhh such anticipation! Yes I know I am such a psycho teasing everyone with a false kiss as a cliffhanger, but I can't help it! Ps. I am glad that you review I missed you on the last chapter.
Libby Bird- all I have to say is blame my beta, I am dyslexic it's not my fault!RainDateChick- I am thrilled that you like it (insert crazy victory dance here)! After all what fun is life if you can't be random! Review again!
Hjpchick- Yay no cliffy! I am glad you think my cliffhangers are worth it though. I added the gay mirror! What do you think of him? Thanks for the review and don't kill the Muffins! (Why I say this I have no clue)
b2bbrules3326- Bonjour! I am glad that you like Ron's thoughts (they are one of my personal favorites. They're a lot as fun as writing the psychologist in this chapter! As for the boy's dorm I have to think up more interesting things for her to find…(ideas would be great)… but I may have a few tricks still up my sleeve. Ps. Evil, evil people for deleting your story! And no cliffy yay!
Mental357- no cliffy yay, no 10 reviews tear, tear. What do you think of the gay mirror and Hermione fleeing in fright? I am glad you like the rest of my story, but the mirror are still pretty great. Review, review, review!
Fanglessphysco- I am not happy at all you locked me in the bloody garage! And threw snowballs at me, you shall pay…. hiss