Disclaimer- you won't believe it till you see it; it appears that Mr. Squirrel (the crazy one who thought I made all the characters up and what not) fancies someone. He, however, has failed to realize that your mate can't be your gender, or for that matter, a different species. So really the poor thing is crawling up the wrong tree (or so to speak) when he is trying to get a male chipmunk in a pink bikini to fall for him. Frankly it serves him right for not giving up the fermented nuts. On more important matters my nut supplies are out, maybe I can get that male chipmunk to hook me up with some fermented nuts.
Chapter 15In Which Neville Gets the Sweet 'n' Low
Or
Hormonally Driven Males
"Er… yes…" Hermione said. She got up to go back to the common Room; she still had hordes of work to finish and there was still the last bit of her plan to finish…
Hermione was writing the last sentence of her essay when who should arrive but Dean and Seamus, who were returning from a game of exploding snaps in one of the courtyards. Well there was really no point in delaying Hermione's plan, after all she had thought of it this morning and the afternoon was already part way over. Hermione stood up and put one hand on her hip similarly to how a mother would rest her hands if she were cross with a child. The look at a whole was less than appealing; her feminine pose looked so out of place in Ron's body and she still had black smudges all over her face.
"Do you know where Neville is?" Hermione asked with a little more of an edge to her voice than normal.
"Common room. Geez Ron, what has gotten into you? You're acting like such a prat," Seamus informed Hermione.
"Acting like a prat am I? Well maybe it is because I am living in human waste!" Hermione said. She wanted to just grab her tongue and cut if off at the moment; she knew that yelling at people wouldn't get their room clean.
"Are you calling my broom model human waste?" Seamus said pointing to what looked like straws held together with gum.
"YES!"
"Well it's not! You tell him Dean!" Seamus howled. Both heads swiveled to Dean who was beginning to know what a dear caught in headlights felt like. He looked over at the 'broom' that had decided just at the moment to break in half. "Oh, look what you have done now! All that pressure you have put it under has made it fall apart."
"Don't blame YOU'RE bad craftsmanship on me!" Hermione screeched.
"You know, now that I look at it, it kind of reminds me of your fathers foot, Seamus," Dean said. "See there is the boil that was made when he was attacked by your knickers and there-"
"DEAN YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT MY KNICKERS! Real best friend you are; next time I bet you will just start telling some random stranger how you found me snogging a bear in my mothers bra!" Seamus howled.
"I don't know why you are blaming ME because you can't keep your mouth closed. Like that one time when you caught me with Blare making out on your bed and you just happened to mention how far you had gotten with her sister on that bed. I was this close to getting her shirt off and you just ruined the moment!" Dean said, indication a millimeter with his fingers. It was all really too much for Hermione and so she did what girls do best in this kind of situation, she had a giggle attack. Dean and Seamus stopped bickering and looked at her like a clan of pink bullfrogs were eating her.
Seamus made a coughing sound that largely resembled the word gay. Hermione stood realizing that she was being very un-Ron like and stifled her laughter.
"Hum, hum… anyways, I refuse to stay here unless this place is clean and it says clean," Hermione said informatively. Dean and Seamus looked at each other, grinned, and picked up 'Ron'.
"Well in that cause, I have heard that red sofa in the corner makes a wonderful bed," they said, trying to drag Hermione from the room.
"WELL IF I LEAVE THE STORY OF YOUR KNICKERS GOES WITH ME!" Hermione screamed.
"Ok he is staying; what should I clean up first?" Seamus said.
"I can't believe you gave in so easily!" Dean excelled.
"As for you, if you don't clean, I will inform McGonagall of your little 'party' with Blare and I am sure she will enjoy your explanation," Hermione said. It felt so good to be… well… good.
"Ok, ok, I will help," Dean said.
"I will be right back; I just have to get Neville. While I am gone you can start on that pile of straw and gum," Hermione said, quickly, before they could change their mind.
"Hay, learn you shrubbery! This is grass, not straw!" Seamus said, grabbing a fist full of the grass and shoving it under 'Ron's' nose.
"Now lets not fight! I thought we had determined it was Seamus's fathers foot!"
Neville looked up from his Herbology textbook to find 'Ron' taping his foot on the ground.
"Can I help you with anything?" Neville said a bit timid.
"In fact, you can; let's go," Hermione commanded dragging Neville up the stairs.
"What are we doing?" Neville said confused.
"Something you should have done a long time ago; cleaning the dorm," Hermione said, as they reached the door. She pushed it open to find Dean and Seamus prancing around the room throwing large balls of rubber bands around the room, that appeared to be bewitched due to the fact that they would not stop bouncing.
"Look what we found! Deans old collection of supper stretchy rubber bands and they seemed to have taken a liking to each other because they were all rolled up into balls," Seamus laughed. One ball came whizzing down and hit Dean on the leg, causing his to fall onto Neville's bed.
"Bloody hell! Neville what do you sleep with?" Dean said rubbing his back and removing a large book from under his covers.
"Dude Neville you're as bad as Hermione; I bet she sleeps with her books too," Seamus said.
"I do not!" Hermione protested, although it was true she had fallen asleep in her bed while reading countless times.
"Of course you haven't. You hardly pick up a pick up a book unless it has a naked girl on the front," Seamus said with a wink. Hermione was utterly horrified.
"That is utterly repulsive!" Hermione said, backing away.
"No, it's utterly arousing," Seamus said.
"I don't see why you are complaining so much you're the one who got Seamus hooked on it," Dean said.
"I DID WHAT!" Hermione said now howling in rage, oh when she got her hands on Ronald Weasley she would give him a piece of her mind.
"Yeah, remember how you paraded the magazine around the dorm all 5th year it was impossible not to get hooked," Seamus said as though it was a fond childhood memory.
"That's it! Ok, no more porn is entering this room! Where are the stashes, we are going to trash them!" Hermione said, furiously. Males were such pigs sometimes; they had absolution no respect for people's bodies.
"YOU CAN'T" Dean and Seamus shouted in unison.
"I can or my is not Herm… I mean I just can!" Hermione howled.
"Geez, Ron we have needs you know, and we know you have been waiting for Hermione to come around so you really have a lot more needs then us; please can they stay?" Seamus pleaded as though he were pleading for a lost dog to become a pet.
"Ron's waiting for WHO?… I mean think of it as a learning experience! It builds character! Now cough it up!" Hermione screamed; menacingly think of the 'enlightening' discussion that was going to go on when she next saw Ron.
"OK, ok," Dean said, backing up with Seamus; they were both a bit scared of Ron's anger. Reluctantly they removed magazines from under beds, between schoolbooks, and under cloths.
"That's it," Dean said sadly as he put his last magazine on the stack.
"Hey, why do we have to lose our goods and you didn't cough up any?" Seamus asked.
Hermione of course did not know were the 'goods' were so she tried to divert the attentions to some else, "Well Neville hasn't coughed anything up either!"
"Don't you pay attention? Neville never took a liking to them," Seamus said.
"I have always suspected him of having a plant fetish," Dean said indication Neville's corner of the room that was blooming with plants and posters of famous planters.
"I do not," Neville said quietly blushing.
"At any rate I am burning these," Hermione said pulling out Ron's wand.
"You can't until you get all of your magazines," Seamus proclaimed trying to stall the process.
"Well I can't remember where I put them all," Hermione said.
"Then it's settled when you find them all we will get rid of them, until then they will say right here," Dean declaimed.
"Fine," Hermione huffed as a ball hit her on the head. "Hefop" Hermione said and the rubber bands balls glide into her hands and she threw them in the trash. "Now lets start cleaning!"
"Hey I wanted those balls," Dean complained, "Imagine it Seamus, we could let them loose in the Slitherin common room. I can just see Malfoy's face when he gets hit in the head with one! He would probably have a brose for a month if we put a curse on them."
"Stop having dilutions of grandeur and start on that pile over there," Hermione said angrily.
"Picky, picky," Seamus said under his breath. They worked in relative silence; a lot of times Hermione would take something out of their hands and throw it in the trash that would raise some protest that usually resolved in Hermione resorting to blackmail. By dinner time the room was relatively clean.
Hermione had just recovered the last of Ron's dirty magazines and put it in the stack when Dean pulled out a deflated blow up, life sized, alien from a drawer.
"What's that?" Seamus said.
"Trash," Hermione said promptly.
"No it's not I just had and idea!" Seamus exclaimed. He pulled his wants out and said, "Philearo," trying to fill the alien with air.
"See it has a hole in it now put it in the trash," Hermione said.
"NO! This is a genius plan," Seamus said and whispered the plan in Dean's ear. They both smiled like giddy idiots, which frankly they were.
"Oh this is good," Dean said deviously. The two boys started placing spells on the blow up alien soon it had blown up and changed into a naked blow up witch.
"Nice handy work Dean," Seamus congratulated his friend.
"THAT IS DISGUSTING! The only way you are keeping her is if you put on some robes," Hermione said transforming a bowl into a set of robes and flinging it on the blow up girl.
"Stop being such a big dumb you running all our fun," Dean said very childishly.
"Suck it up!" Hermione shouted. Dean and Seamus gave Hermione a long glair before placing their plastic girlfriend, with quaffle-sized boobs, in-between their beds. Hermione then declared that she was burning the magazines. So they congered up some marshmallows, gram crackers, chocolate and skewer sticks and decided to make a party of it.
"I have got to hand it to you Ron, porn defiantly makes the best tasting marshmallows," Dean declared.
OK so this chap was too long to fit on one posting so you can take a little time right now and review or grab some coffee and then go to the next part of the chap… (PS. Thank you all you reviewers this long chap is for you.)