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Chapter 15 & 1/2In Which Neville Gets the Sweet 'n' Low
Or
Hormonally Driven Males
As though life couldn't get any worse Ron was now reintroduced to his arch nemeses (for the moment), Terry and a plate of vegetables.
"I Promised that I would bring the snacks," Terry declared, "And so here I am."
It did appear that Terry had brought snacks; furthermore they were exactly the kind of snacks that Hermione would like. They were healthy, good for your teath, and vegetarian. In fact Ron couldn't think of a reason why Hermione wouldn't be thrilled at the prospect of Terry's snacks. Ron, however, was having a serious craving for chocolate and had a bit of a stomachache. Ron though, 'well Terry sure knows his stuff, but I shall get him just you wait!' Ron then hatch a plan, a wonderfully evil plan…
"Oh Terry, what a wonderful spread where did you get," Ron said in his very best Parvati impression. Ron crossed his fingers if he had gotten it from the house elves he was sure Hermione would be against Terry going into the kitchen's.
Terry looked down and blushed a bit, "I err… grew them, it's a bit of a hobby and I cooked the sauce."
'Gerr. Evil Terry was very cunning,' Ron thought angrily.
"Anyways we better start discussing the Hogsmead visit so that you can get some rest. We can't have our favorite Head Girl sleeping in the hospital wing forever," Terry said with a smile.
'Oh you would just love if I slept in the head room wouldn't you,' Ron thought venomously. But instead he replied, "So what is there to disguise? We just check the permission slips and walk over and presto a day of fun!"
"Hermione, stop being silly we have to finalize the departure times, organize which prefects are going to be on duty to make sure kids don't step out of line, and write up Hogsmead notices," Terry said promptly before eating a carrot.
"Well we can leave at 10 and come back at 5 so we will have time fore breakfast and dinner at Hogwarts," Ron said; because that was the time all Hogsmead visits usually run. Well there was an exception in 6th of course when they had a really giddy Head Girl who decided that the February trip should be after dinner because it was more romantic; but we wont go into it because of course none of the trio had a date and Ron and Harry had nearly puked because of all the pink.
"That sounds good. Now for the prefects I was thinking hour rotations of 2 prefects on duty," Terry said.
"Sounds good," Ron said trying to stop from falling asleep because it was just too boring.
"I thought you would say so, we can uses the order for the night duty," Terry said pulling out a copy of the list, "Wait let me change this, I will switch you to patrolling with me because you were originally with Ron but you two got in a row."
"NO DON'T," Ron said quickly. He would not be fooled into a date with Terry on the pretext that they were patrolling; he would prefer to suffer and hour of Hermione inflicted torture thank you very much.
"Why not, you guy's have been going at each others throats all day?" Terry said confused.
'Think fast Ron, think fast,' Ron told himself, "Hum… Well… I… I fancy him."
"You do?" Terry said confused.
"Yes, he has sexy red hair and he looks very fit on the Quidditch pitch," Ron said giving himself a mental high five oh this was a lovely idea. He could complement himself on all the characteristics that were different from Terry and maybe he would get the hint that HERMIONE WAS NOT INTERSTED IN THAT GIT TERRY! Although why he had said himself he had no clue, oh wait that's right Ron is just too fit to resist.
"I don't see why you fight so much with him then," Terry said Hermione was acting very weird, she wasn't the kind of person who just spit out who they liked for almost no reason.
"Love is war," Ron said not at all knowing what he was saying.
"Ok then, Hermione what did they put in that medicine? You have gone bonkers," Terry questioned.
"Well, I guess I will never spill out my heart to you! Stop criticizing my choices geez!" Ron said hotly.
"Ok, sorry Hermione. I know it's your monthlies talking why don't I just finish this up and you take a nap. I will have you patrol with Ron," Terry said getting up.
"My monthlies are not talking!" Ron said getting madder. How did Terry know that Hermione was a werewolf while she hadn't even told him who happened to be her best mate, I mean ex-best mate?
"That's what you say every month," Terry said leaving the hospital wing.
"Fat lot of stuff he knows," Ron muttered angrily. He looked down at the nearly untouched veggies, 'why did he have to bring bloody veggies when he could have brought chocolate; I am not a rabbit you know,' Ron thought.
Hermione surveyed the room with pride; Neville and Dean were taking the dirty clothes to the laundry room to be washed, while Seamus was folding the last of his socks into the socks' drawer. Yes, you heard right; this was deep cleaning. Hermione was about to embark on the most hazardous task of them all: the boy's bathroom.
Hermione was trying to phase out the muffled hollers of the gay mirror, while cleaned out a drawer covered in mold; it was tedious work. She was surprised that they boys were ever clean due to the state of the shower.
The Mirror was now hollering, "pexy anne fin blah bathwoom."
"God, even the male mirrors are hormonally driven," Hermione said to herself. She pulled open the next drawer to inspect and well what did she find? Condoms. Her parents of course had informed her of the ways of the world the summer between second and third year. Her dad had told her that teenaged boys were all evil and hormonally driven and that she wasn't allowed to date until she was fifty. She never had only believed about 50 of what her father had told her up until today. Now, finding condoms in the bathroom, she was pretty sure she didn't want to date until she was older than fifty. Hermione decided she was going to give the Gryffindor boys a piece of her mind.
Exiting the bathroom she found Seamus shutting the drawer. "What is this doing in the dorm?" She questioned menacingly, holding up the condom.
"Haven't you heard of safe sex before?" Seamus said not paying much attention to Hermione.
"SAFE SEX IS NO SEX!" Hermione cried in furry, "This is a school! People shouldn't be having sex in-"
"Stop complaining, just because your not getting anything doesn't mean you should boycott the rest of us," Seamus said.
"God how many people have lost their virginity in this pace?" Hermione said horror struck.
"I don't know why don't you go ask the bathroom mirror!" Seamus said annoyed.
"Maybe I will," Hermione said putting her nose in the air and walking back. Hermione continued to clean the bathroom debating what she should do about the condoms. She couldn't just throw them out, but then again condoms did promote sex, which the conduct code in Hogwarts was surly against. Then she got a beautiful idea, a beautifully evil idea (or good depending on how you see it) she reopened the condom drawer and pulled out Ron's wand. She flicked her wrist and said, "Grzoola" and shut the drawer again. The next prat who decided they wanted to have sex was going to be in for a big surprise.
The bathroom looked spotless except for a large pile of towels over the mirror. Hermione decided that she really needed to do something about the mirror. After dinner, she would look for a spell to quiet it down along with soonthing to get all the soot off her face. But for now she needed to finish the cleaning job. She pulled down all the towels and shot them into the hamper.
"Ah my night in shining armor come to rescue me, again," The mirror said in a joyful tone.
"Yes, and I have a fit body. Now do we really need to go through this drill? I am trying to clean," Hermione said annoyed that the mirror was hitting on her again.
"Such a spoilsport; I will just have to look at your butt in silence," The mirror pouted. Hermione, however, was not in a sympathetic mood. She grabbed the Windex and began spraying. "Ouch that's my eye," the mirror screamed in pain.
"Hopefully you go blind," Hermione said.
"Hey just because you have nice abs doesn't mean you can be mean!" The mirror complained.
"Just be quiet!" Hermione said as she took a rag and began cleaning the mirror.
"Oh that's the way I like my massages," The mirror told Hermione and she washed away the grime. Hermione ignored the mirror comment. "You know if you were naked it would be a repeat of the dream I had last night."
"Well isn't that pleasant," Hermione said sarcastically.
"It was more then pleasant," the Mirror informed her.
"I need a restraining order or a lot of Duct Tape," Hermione said letting her muggle parentage get the better of her.
"Is Duct Tape the name of a male stripper?" the Mirror ask.
"No its something that you use to tape things with," Hermione informed him in a dictionary way.
"Hey I knew a spello tape that was a stripper; it is possible!" the mirror protested.
"Yes of course you did," Hermione said in an I-just-said-that-to-keep-you-quiet manner.
"I still have his address if you want to meet him," The mirror informed him, "but I would personally prefer if only your clothes went to meet him," The mirror continued doing his best to try and sound seductive.
'What we need is a male blow up doll just to keep him quite,' Hermione thought irritated as she tried to pick off a bit of black on the mirror.
"You do know that you're trying to pick off my birthmark," The mirror told Hermione.
"Mirrors don't have birthmarks," Hermione said.
"I wont argue if you take of your shirt," The mirror said hopefully.
"No," Hermione said firmly she had no interest in seeing Ron's abs; oh, what am I going on about? She just didn't want to share them with anyone. Of course she couldn't tell herself that though because she didn't want to be checking out her ex-best mate's body and she didn't want to seem selfish. Besides, he hadn't given her permission either so that could be filed under violation or something of that sort.
"Please! Or how about your pants?" The mirror whined.
"I said no. Now can you leave me alone? "
"How can anyone leave such a fine specimen of the male spices alone who is giving me a back rub. Even with your clothes on you are simply irresistible," the mirror continued, un-phased.
"Oi, we're back," came the loud voice of Dean. Hermione put down her rag and walked out of the bathroom.
"Don't leave me fair prince," shouted the mirror as she shut the door.
"Who keeps uncovering that bloody thing?" Dean exclaimed, "I swear every time I set foot in that room I have got a mirror telling me every pick up line in the book. He even tried 'nice shoes want to shag'"
"Well I am personally used to it by now. I have such a fine body that everyone tries to pick me," Seamus said pompously.
"I think what that mirror is saying is getting a little too much to your head," Hermione informed Seamus.
"Your just jealous," Seamus said childishly.
"So what is there left to clean?" Neville said trying to change the topic because he remembered a specific time in sixth year when Seamus and Ron had a fight over who had nicer hair. And every morning for a week they had tried increasing radical hairstyles until Ron decided to cut Seamus' hair in his sleep, followed by Seamus dying every hair on Ron's body hot pink. In retaliation Ron had made Seamus' wig (which was already rather disgusting and feminine looking) become alive and attack him. Of course Seamus couldn't stand the humiliations so after returning from the hospital, where he had, had several hundred hairs implanted centimeters deep into his scull removed, he gave Ron a beard that closely resembled Dumbledore's with the exceptions that it was bright pink. With people in the halls commenting that he looked like a pink leprecon, he had given Seamus a tail. And although the tail was very handy in hitting Slytherins with, he wasn't particularly fond of it so he cursed Ron's beard to hit on girls and guys alike. And well his beard did get a few girls, but Ron wasn't exactly keen on snogging Moaning Myrtle so he… you know what, I will stop right here because it gets increasingly unpleasant and ends with them both naked and hairy on the roof of Gryffindor tower with Malfoy transfigured into a parrot, lacking feathers and instead had fur; and well it wasn't a pretty sight.
"I think the only thing left is finishing up in the bathroom," Hermione proclaimed.
"Ah Ha! Lets go!" Dean said raising his arm like a night going into battle. The four entered into the bathroom, which was becoming increasingly clamped.
"Oh my lucky stars! Five-some," yelled the Mirror.
"Shove it," Dean said.
"Oh you must be one of those don't-talk-just-kiss-me kind of a boys. Two can play at that game," The Mirror said.
"Mental that one," Seamus said, reorganizing the shampoo bottles. Neville and Dean were helping Hermione with the cleaning of the mirror. The mirror was purring (probably due to the fact that he never got much attention). Dean was scrubbing a disgusting spot on the side the mirror when he was set off balance and landed on the toilet.
"Ouch," dean said as he bolted upright and hit his head on the ceiling. There was a crack in the sealing and pink packets began falling out of it and onto Dean's head. He picked one up and looked at it before his face brightened; "This is where you hid my sweet 'n' low, Neville," he said with a chuckle.
"Well yes," Neville said unhappily.
"Why there Neville? You could have thrown them out! Then we wouldn't have to go through this again!" Seamus said sadly.
"What are you talking about? This is the best thing that happened to me since I got to blackmail you into giving me your pet squash. God that thing was annoying; you bloody thought it was alive. You would just walk around with it on a sting telling people its name was Squashalina and trying to feed it cream cakes," Dean said before ripping that packet of sweet 'n' low open and dumping it into his mouth.
"NO! What have we done to forsaken the gods?" Neville and Seamus said together. Dean ripped open another and continued the process.
"I think that's quite enough; it will ruin you teath," Hermione said extending her hand to take it way.
Dean curled into a ball on the toilet seat and backed way from Hermione intent on protecting the sweet 'n' low, "NO, MINE STAY AWAY!" Dean said.
"I have created a monster," Neville said sadly.
"I think we can escape, just back away slowly," Seamus said in Neville and Hermione's ears. They began backing away.
The mirror squawked, "Take me with you! I am not that kinky! He is too scary for me."
At that point Hermione, Neville, and Seamus bolted from the room. After a quick sprint they were in the common room, but they could still hear Dean ripping and gulping away.
"That was a close one," Seamus said out of breath (lets face it he really isn't the athletic type).
"Yea, lets go have dinner and hopefully he will have calmed down by the time we are done," Hermione said. Seamus and Neville gave her skeptical looks, but obliged.
While Seamus was trotting off down the hall, Neville taped Hermione on the shoulder and asked, "I was wondering whether you intended in keeping that black smudge on your face because I know how to remove it."
"You do?" Hermione said; she was surprised Neville wasn't exactly a database of knowledge.
"Well yeah, the same kind of thing use to happen to me all the time," He confessed, blushing a bit.
"Oh"
"The charm is 'Repodar'," Neville said. Hermione did the spell and the soot fell from her face and materialized into her alarm clock. Oh when she got her hands on Ron he was going to get it; she just knew Ron was the culprit of her alarm clock turning to soot.
A/N- sorry it took so long, but I have been busy. I hope this chapter was to everyone's liking. I tried to make it long because I got so may reviews again! Yay! Anyways I have a few things to tell you. So I got to math class one morning and there was this teacher who looked just like Professor Snape there. I was rather late to class and it turned out that he was our sub. Anyways I can't remember his name, but not only did he look like Snape he acted like him too. And I was like hot damn, I am glad he is just our sub. But I thought I would tell you all that because well I am assuming most of you are relatively interested in Harry Potter type stuff like I! I am rather proud of this particular chapter because it is rather random, although I am not sure if I went too far into the horniness of the male gender (me not being a male I would not know). Also we are doing a poetry unit on my English class so I have been writing a lot of poetry. If anyone wants to read it I may just post it in the next chapter. Although I will be warning you a lot of it is not that great although I am particularly happy with two of them. Ok I will stop babbling so you can REVIEW and ADD ME TO YOUR FAVORITS LIST.
Reviewers-
EvilsmileyfaceofDOOM- Thank you! Thank you!
romancefreak! – I am sorry it took a while to update! I am glad you like this story! I always enjoy new reviewers (and old ones too!)!
AngelicFairy- Party! Some thinks I am funny and I am glad because there is nothing better than a funny fanfiction to make the world go round! I, like you had always loved the idea of Ron and Hermione switching bodies, but sadly I can't say it was exactly an original idea. So I have been trying to take a different outlook on things (I hope it is working). And double yay you like the situations… I think they are hilarious too!
sballLuvr5- Sorry it took so long to update, but I am glad that you liked the last chapter and well you don't have to wait for this one any longer.
Mental357- Chocolate and Marshmallows are becoming a theme in my story… really goes to show what is on my subconscious mind…. It is hilarious that you thought Silvia was saliva, and now that I think of it Saliva would be a hilarious name for a character. I will have to keep that in mind if I add more characters…. And pour vous (is that right I haven't taken French in 2 years) a lengthy Mirror dialog!
P.S- Happy very late B-day!
b2bbrules3326- I like the voices in Ginny's head too. Should I add a third or would that be too confusing? I am ecstatic that you like Parvati and Lavender; I have a thing for writing stereotypical characters because I think it is amusing, like girly girls, and now in this chapter horny males…I really have to stop doing it though or I wont get any character development by English teacher would be very unhappy if that didn't occur.
LilyTheBlonde- YOU ARE ONE OF THE BEST REVIEWERS EVER! I just loved your review! It made me crack up! Sorry my story made you get in trouble. I will have to tone the humor down (JK about the toning down part)! I would never do that; laughing is an essential for life! For such a great review I think I will spill a bit about the plot… tomorrow Ron is going to start his period…. And I am planning something with a cat and his period but that is under raps… also I am planning to use the fact that some tampons look a but like candy to my advantage… As for PMS I am afraid it has begun in the next chapter I think maybe a close encounter with PMS Ron and a Hormonal Hermione…. You know I think all males should get there period it would humble them… anyways enough about the plot and what not (ohh I rhymed) sorry that you have been anticipating the chap for so long! But I am glad that you are not dropping the story because great reviews keep me going…. I shall add your chipmunk to the disclaimer because I frankly just saw him outside…. Ok I should probably get to the other reviews so I can post this chap… and I just saw Pirates of the Caribbean. Ahhhhh pirates are so sexy!
Bhekie- Glad the chap was up to your expectations! God I love writing giddy girls; it is the next best thing to Fred and George!
Amrawo- Sorry about the update time we can just say my creative mind was delayed… Glad you think it is funny! Frankly I can't wait till Ron gets his period either it will be a humbling experience to say the least! Grin
Phillyactress- I will get my beta on the spelling mistakes right away… just as soon as I can find her… it would be nice if my beta didn't have legs; then she would be a lot easer to find… and then poke and run away… any who, (god what a great word even though my comp says its not a word) I must be getting better at reposes because most of mine are very lame but you like it so yay! I am now gloating because of the positive chi flowing my way! Till next time then!
DragoFlare 4000- I can't wait either but it may be in a bit… well who knows… Technically me, but I wont go into that because I am one for changing my mind a lot…. Anyways hope the anticipation isn't killing you!
Hjpchick- I quite agree pirates rock my socks! Sadly I couldn't write him in the chap. He may be gone for a bit (but I promise to bring him back!)… However, back by popular demand THE GAY MIRROR (lets give him a round of applause for his spectacular show tonight) don't worry folks he will be back again… Anyways I got plans for my mirrors so they should appear every few chaps… until next time then! Ohh and I have a friend named Heather; just a comment from the peanut gallery here.
LilyTheBlonde- the last review to comment on… so I think I will keep it short because I already commented on the other one…. Anyways you are correct about the painters and I couldn't agree more… I just love girl code… for example a while ago I was with some friends and well half were guys and half were girls…. And my little sister started making out with one but we wont go into that…. However I had to talk to her with my telepathic powers and a cough and told her it was impropriate to snog a friend that was even older than I in the middle of a church gathering! It is just lucky that I am a whole hell of a lot less horny then her or our family would be in trouble. Also this other time at the same place, I was talking to my other friend, who was a girl, through eye communications (the whole glance at things raise eyebrow thing) anyways and my guy friend got all angry when we started cracking up and what not…. It was kind of funny. Anyways how did this turn out so long? I better finish up…Well that's the rap now go click REVIEW and REVIEW