Disclaimer- well it is official; the invitation in the mail just came and Mr. chipmunk and Mr. Squirm are getting married. I guess there is really a lot to say about nutters who think I wrote this whole story without stealing from J.K. Rowling.
Chapter 16In Which Harry Hears Chickens
Or
How to Capture a Super Hero
"The charm is 'Repodar'," Neville said. Hermione did the spell and the soot fell from her face and materialized into her alarm clock. Oh when she got her hands on Ron he was going to get it; she just knew Ron was the culprit of her alarm clock turning to soot…
Parvati and lavenders died the bed hangings a hideous shade of pink (which in their opinion should have been done a long time ago) and had pulled them tight around Lavender's bed. All the candles had been blown out except a large purple one that was set between the two girls. Both girls were wearing skintight pink cat suits and had extravagant makeup and hairstyles.
"Ok the G.P.A.H.P. is in order. Role call! Parvati the Pretty? Oh that's me! Giggle Lavender the Luscious?" Parvati said reading off a piece of parchment.
"Oh, I am here," Lavender said.
"Ok, good. I think we may need some more members; this role call is just sad," Parvati said.
"No, our names just don't give us our full potential!" Lavender protested. "Change mine to Lavender Brown the Luscious Duchess that All Boys Want so Muchous."
"Lavender I think you are still under rating yourself; you didn't say anything about your great dress style or those adorable trainers you just got. Are you going through a midlife crisis? I mean you are seriously under rating yourself!"
"No, we just have serious matters on our hands! How could I be thinking about my trainers when another girl is about to take your Ron!" Lavender explained shell-shocked.
"Your quite right. Pass the water, even the thought of losing my Ronnie is too dreadful!" Parvati agreed.
"Well, what's the first order of business?" Lavender questioned.
"Well my Ronald Weasley stationary hasn't come in yet. You would think if you had to get them special ordered then they would come quickly," Parvati sighed. Lavender who was clearly very interested nodded her head ecstatically as Parvati continued, "On even more dreadful matters how are we going to know if Hermione wrote to us?"
"I thought we decided to intercept her mail," Lavender puzzled.
"Yes, yes, but how do we do that?" Parvati wondered. Lavender and Parvati sat in deep thought; apparently saving love lives took a little more than a skintight suit and a superhero name.
"I have got it!" Lavender pronounced.
"Oh my god, you are so smart; what is it?" Parvati said bouncing up and down on the bed. The candle that was in-between them teetered before falling and lighting Lavender's sheets aflame.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh we are going to die! Someone help us," Both girls said jumping off the bed and began running around the room, like chickens with their head cut off. Both girls crashed into each other and landed on the floor. Then they saw the door and both bolted for it, only to fall down the entire Gryffindor girl's staircase.
"Help, help," they both shouted trying to readjust their hair so it was presentable. Many heads swiveled from their previous occupation to see what the commotion was.
Hermione, in Ron's body, was very alarmed and came running over, "What happened? Are you two ok?"
"Oh it was dreadful!" Parvati said flinging herself at Hermione.
"Er… yes?" Hermione said, confused as Parvati cling to her. If it were not for Ron's Quidditch toned muscles, Hermione probably would have been squished flat.
"My savior!" Parvati continued dramatically.
"Hey who lit the 7th year room aflame?" Ginny said coming down the stairs wand drawn, sleeves singed and completely soaked. "Oh, has anyone seen Hermione; I kind of got some of her notes wet when I put out the fire. I really must learn how to do a proper extinguishing charm; it would make life a lot easier," She added to herself. Hermione threw Parvati towards the steps at the news of notes.
"Ouch I think I broke something," Parvati whined. Hermione thought better of what she had just done and offered Parvati a hand.
"Sorry I didn't mean to throw you," Hermione apologized; she didn't hate Parvati after all, just found her rather annoying. Parvati seemed a bit annoyed, but the guy of her dreams was now offering her his undivided attention. Parvati tried to leap onto his arms, but failed miserably and landed back of the floor with a moan.
"I can't walk!" Parvati said blinking her eyelids; if she couldn't walk well, it was only fair that she tried to milk it for all it's worth.
Hermione looked up and the air and sighed; 'Why do I always get myself into these things?' she thought to herself.
"Oh my god, Parvati don't die on me!" Lavender cried, "Hurry someone levitate her to the hospital wing! I don't have my wand!"
"Put your wands away. Haven't you ever read Hogwarts a history? It clearly states that when a person is injured under a doorway, levitating charms doesn't work!" Hermione stated annoyed.
"Well she has to get to the hospital wing," Lavender exclaimed franticly, "Wait, I know, you could carry her!"
Hermione turned the thought over in her head and realizing that is was her fault she had agreed and scooped up Parvati. Parvati was thrilled, to say the least thoughts ran through her head of how this event could turn even more romantic.
"Ron did I tell you that from this angle you look very fit," Parvati said flirtatiously as they descended a flight of stairs.
'Oh god, first the mirror and now her. What do they think Ron is, eye chocolate? I just don't know. He reminds me more of a mint: a pail face with that extreme red color he has as hair. Mints are just the perfect candy really; they are sweet, but not overly sweet, you can indulge in them without getting fat, and they melt ever so slowly in your mouth. Wait. Hold it. Scratch that. Why did I think Ron was a mint? I better go take another visit to that shrink; I think I may be experiencing a mid-life crises right here. You recon Ron's on drugs?' Hermione wondered.
Ron was livid as he sat in his hospital cot. 'Where the ruddy hell was Hermione? She was suppose to be here an hour and a half ago for the tutoring session,' Ron thought. He wouldn't still be waiting if it weren't for the fact that he had been stuck in this bed all bloody day. What he would give to be able to go out to the pitch and fly. Then again it might make him throw up because he had a wicked horrible stomachache.
Ron looked up to see the doors of the hospital wing fly open and his former body waltz in carrying someone in a pink cat suit. Ron's first immediate thought was, 'oh this is not good' as Madam Pomfry came running over.
"Not another one!" She cried as Hermione laid Parvati down, who was grinning like the giddy idiot she was. Noticing the dazed look in Parvati's eyes, Pomfry continued, "Don't tell me she has been smoking dragon beard; she will be seeing rainbows and talking to nonexistent black cats everywhere. Kids these days don't they know those kinds of drugs are illegal. It happens every year around this time too… Some kid decides it's cool to take a whiff and I end up having a whole cluster of kids up here who are hallucinating. Like that Ben Gregory a few years ago, that was an awful case. Took me 2 weeks to convince him that there wasn't a mafia of black cats out to kill him called La Rainbow and that there was no such thing as gangster cats. Now dear don't listen to the voices."
"Er miss, I think she just hurt her ankle," Hermione informed her because Parvati's voice seemed absolutely useless. Pomfry shut up and began prodding Parvati with her wand.
Ron shot a very evil look at Hermione and said; "Hey, Her-Ron I can't believe that you made me wait here and it took you this long to show." Madam Pomfry kept on prodding away at Parvati, but Parvati eyed the two evilly; there was something fishy going on.
"Oh my I completely forget," Hermione said. She had gotten so caught up in cleaning that her tutoring session had totally slipped from her mind.
"A likely excuse," Ron said his eyes narrowing. Hermione was probably out ruining his life, after all she was found with Parvati in a pink cat suit for crying out loud. "Why were you with Parvati then and why she is dressed like that?" he continued as his eyes racked over the strange attire.
"I am with Parvati because someone has to take her to the hospital wing and I was there at the time. So why don't you ask her why she is dressed like that because I honestly don't have a clue!" Hermione ranted.
Ron didn't know what to think so he looked over at Parvati, who was pretending to be interested in the vase by her bed, and asked, "Is what s-he is saying true?"
"Ummmmm… pretty much," Parvati said; she didn't like other girls speaking with her man.
"What is up with that … that?" Ron said, unable to withstand his curiously at her dressing style. After all flying chickens tied to Bludgers might not be out of the ordinary, but cat suits definitely were.
"This happens to be the latest style on superhero fashion," Parvati said surprised that everyone did not know this.
"Oh that explains everything!" Ron said sarcastically.
"Just because you don't keep up on the latest trends doesn't mean you can snap at me," Parvati exclaimed who was getting rather upset with 'Hermione's' behavior.
"WHO CARES ABOUT TRENDS?" Ron yelled at Parvati.
"YOU ARE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE SO OUT OF STYLE!" she hollered back.
"OH, HOW DARE YOU!" Ron protested trying to hit Parvati in the next bed over.
"WELL IT IS TRUE! I BET YOU WILL NEVER GET A MAN WITH THAT ADITUDE EITHER," She said trying to hit him.
"YOU LIEING BLOOD THIRSTY B-"
"STOP IT" Hermione yelled, grabbing both of their hands. They both crossed their arms over their chests and let out huffs. Pomfry came running from the back room, where she had been retrieving medicine.
"What is the meaning of all this yelling?" She said, looking accusingly at Hermione. Hermione blinked twice and so Pomfry continued, "Oh never mind, I am sure they were fighting over you; out, out."
"What no they/we weren't," Ron and Hermione said in unison, as Hermione tried to hold her ground.
"Stop it and leave," Pomfry continued, "You are only going to aggravate them further."
"Oh this is absurd!" Hermione exclaimed before leaning down and whispering in Ron's ear, "I will be back after dinner to see if she has left yet so we can study."
"Bring me chocolate," Ron said promptly.
"No! It will ruin your teath!" Hermione said and marched through the door.
"Ahhhh," Parvati said launching herself at Ron. No one, and I mean no one wanted to get in between Parvati and whomever she set her eye on. All of this close whispering between the two was definitely the last straw.
"Off you bloody ogre," Ron howled. Hermione could hear the sounds of Madam Pomfry trying desperately to pull the two girls apart and only smiled; so Ron was going through his first catfight. Hermione just hope that Parvati wouldn't do any permanent damage.
Harry had stayed in the kitchen till his chocolate had gone cold in a sort of stupor because of Ginny. He was pulled out of his thoughts as the bearded elf came up with a rag and started cleaning the table. The very odd thing about this particular elf is his beard was so long it had been wrapped around his body and still dragged on the floor. Also, he was wearing his tea-cozy on his head because his body didn't need any covering due to the hair.
"Mr. Potter was dumped by Miss. Weasley?" The house elf asked.
"Worse," Harry groaned.
"Ah, the chicken was never in the skillet and is still running around the back yard with no head eh?" The elf said.
"What?" Harry wondered confused.
"Ya never got her, but yer want her," The house elf clarified.
"How did you know?" Harry asked surprised.
"Us seasoned cooks have had to go out and chase the bloody chickens many times. Only thing worse then a headless chicken is when you realize ye just cooked a rubber one. Fowl mess it makes," The elf continued.
"Come again," Harry said bewildered.
"The only thing worse than not being able to catch the girl you want is when you realized you are dating the wrong one with a bad blond hair dye job," The elf explained.
"How do you know all these things?" Harry questioned.
"I am a cook, the right dinner is worth one thousand love potions. I know how to cook a dinner that will let a girl down slowly and how to cook a dinner that will make her beg for more. It is a fine art, and frankly no one makes better margarine chicken than me. I can even make a rubber chicken taste like heaven, well either that or you will chock on a piece of it and go straight heaven."
"Really?" Harry said, interested. Maybe he could woe her with his cooking, if he brushed up on his skills a bit.
"As true as butter does grease a pan," he confirmed.
"Can I get lessons?" Harry exclaimed enthusiastically.
"Sure how about Tuesday at five?" The elf said pulling out a date booklet.
"Thanks, I can't wait!" Harry said jumping up because he felt like he had a lot of energy. "I guess I better go make up with my best friend!" He hollered as he left the kitchen, waving goodbye to the old elf and Dobby. Harry ran all the way to Gryffindor tower; he was going to forgive Ron and do exactly what Ginny said (because how could Ginny be wrong) and treat him like he was a more sensitive person. He yelled the password (yodeling yak) and bounded through the common room and up the stairs to his room. The door was slightly cracked open and Harry could tell there was something very strange going on.
He peered around the door and nearly tripped in surprise; was their carpet really red? He could have sworn it was brown the last time he had seen it, but then again memories get disfigured after a few years. Wow this was eerie; it was like walking through a graveyard, except with no bodies and relatively better lighting. Then he figured out what was so disturbing: where the bloody hell was the toothpick collection?
Harry looked around franticly for the toothpicks (which didn't take too long, considering the room was clean), but he couldn't find it. Then a long ripping sound came from the bathroom. Harry did a double take, 'no it wasn't possible; it couldn't be,' Harry thought in denial. The bathroom door swung open and Dean appeared, a savage grin upon his face and an evil glint in his eyes. In one hand he clenched the sweet 'n' low. Harry stood petrified, unable to move.
"So we meet again Mr. Man who makes pots," Dean said, before puling out his wand and saying an incantation that tied Harry up to the bedpost. He then opened another pack of sweet 'n' low and dumped it into his mouth before taping the empty rapper on Harry. "Sweet 'n' low's job is done," he declared walking out of the room.
"Not again," Harry moaned from the bedpost; now he was going to miss dinner. Harry idly wondered if Hogwarts had sweet 'n' low's anonymous. You know, the worst thing about being stuck, tied on a bedpost, was that you couldn't twiddle you thumps. I mean if you were bored you can always twiddle your thumbs and it becomes extremely amusing, but when you are stuck on a bedpost you can't. Therefore he was becoming extremely bored very quickly. Harry tried calling for help, but everyone was already down for dinner so he eventually decided to sing 99 bottles of firewisky on the wall. He was down to 27 by the time he heard someone come up.
Hermione had decided that she would grab some textbooks for the dorm incase Parvati was gone and they could study. She walked into the dorm and there was Harry dangling from the bedpost, loudly belting out, "27 bottles of firewisky on the wall. 27 bottles of firewisky. Take one down pass it around- Oh hello there, top of the afternoon to ya."
"What are you doing up there?" Hermione said, coming up to his side.
"Ah well I just though it would be spiffy to tie myself to a bedpost," Harry informed her sarcastically.
"Ok, I get the point," Hermione said pulling out her wand and unbinding Harry.
Harry rubbed his writs before saying, "look Ron, earlier it wasn't my place to ask; but if you need any one to talk to, I am here." Hermione smiled; since when had Harry been so mature?
Then she remembered what had just happen, "Harry who tied you up there?"
"Dean: he has gone mad on sweet 'n' low again. He was talking all this rubbish," Harry said before adding, "And what happened here? I can't find my toothpick collection anywhere."
"Harry it's called cleaning; you know with a broom and-"
"No that's called Quidditch."
"Or a mop and a-" Hermione said ignoring Harry.
"George and Fred played on a mop and a vacuum once. It was quite entertaining, especially when they ran into each other." Harry said.
"Oh you get the point of cleaning," Hermione said a little frustrated.
"My toothpicks had points; in fact I had this really pointy, green one that I named Bob." Harry said.
"No you don't," Hermione said before she could cover her mouth.
"Yes I do, I just have to find them."
"Er… you may want to look in the trash," Hermione said diplomatically.
"Oh," Harry said finally getting the drift. In normal circumstances he would probably be morning their death, but the full trauma of the words did not hit him yet because he was still in a daze due to Ginny.
"We really have more important matters on our hands. What is up with Dean? He hasn't just made a habit of tying you up has he?" Hermione asked changing the topic.
"No he had the sweet 'n' low," Harry shuddered.
"Something has got to be done; that much artificial sweetener is probably lethal," Hermione proclaimed.
"Yeah, we should probably do something before the brain damage becomes uncorrectable."
"I just had a superb idea! I recon we could take him to the school psychologist," Hermione said, bouncing on the balls of her feet. She held the psychologist to rather high on her list of idols at the moment.
"Now all we need to do is to catch him," Harry said liking their plan of action.
"I have just the perfect idea," Hermione said.
A ripping noise could be heard from the 5th floor corridor where Harry and Hermione were laying down a trail of sweet 'n' low that lead conveniently to an empty classroom, where they had transfigured one of Harry's trainers into a lion cage (lion not included of course). Harry was now limping around shoeless but Hermione insisted that it was for the betterments of the group. They both ran to the classroom and dumped the excess sweet in low in the cage as they saw Dean turn the corner.
"Ah what is this, my sweetheart?" Dean said picking up the first packet while talking quickly to the air to his left. "It would appear that someone's treasure chest has a hole because it is clearly leaking gold. Lets see where they lead? This may be my lucky day!" Deans said picking up the packets as we went along.
When he came to the cage he proclaimed, "Ah ha, the beast's lair. Fie you dragons this be my resting place tonight!" Dean launched himself on the pile of sweet 'n' low. While he was busy stuffing himself full of sweet 'n' low, Harry and Hermione cautiously approached. Hermione closed the cage while Harry stole Dean's wand.
"Yes," Harry and Hermione yelled with glee.
Dean noticed his predicament began launching himself against the wall, crying, "Not the white rabbit! No, get him away. I swear I didn't cut of his tail! How was I support to know he was the Easter bunny?"
"Nutters that one," Harry confirmed.
"We better get a move on before he tries to eat his way out," Hermione said grabbing a rope that was attached and exiting the classroom.
"Bloody pancakes, that is the last time I listen to them; stoles me waffle they did. They got married too; last time I ever let my food get away. Had to tie up all my baked goods I did. Had to keep them in separate rooms too," Dean was now jabbering to a bookshelf.
"I hope this shrink is all he is cracked up to be," Harry said looking unsure at Dean.
"…And then I said 'unhand the fair ogre' but the princes just wouldn't listen. So I had to drool on her till she let me past…"
Harry stopped abruptly when he saw the size of the door the sign was pointing to, "Hold up, the shrink is a midget?"
" They prefer vertically challenged, and no he is a pirate," Hermione informed him.
"Oh that makes so much ruddy sense," Harry said.
Dean was now trying to lick his butt (without much success) while talking to it vigorously, "Come here, I promise I wont hurt you; I only want a bite. I will get some anesthetics if you want…"
A/N- I love you all! I must have gotten 20 reviews! You all spoil me too much. Sorry the chapter was so short, but next chapter is sure to be a winner. I mean what happens when you put this deranged Dean in the room with a crazy pirate psychologist. Well it is sure to be hilarious. I hope this chapter is up to par. Ok I will leave this part short because I have so many reviewers. One last thing, does anyone know how to make their eyes twitch; I want to learn how!
REVIEWERS- (you all Rock!)
sballLuvr5- Thanks for reviewing. I hope the chap was quick enough for you.
Midnight- Here is the next installment of the plot for you. Hope you enjoy it and Dean hasn't freaked you out too much.
Hjpchick- I don't care when you review just as long as you enjoy the story and review. Secondly, I am flattered like a monkey with a bushel of bananas that you like my story and off center randomness. Glad you like the mirror. When I got your review, I was like herm, how can I get the pirate back? Well I found a way so this next chapter I write is for you. (and all those other great pirate lovers out there)
Lavender Brown17- thank you, I shall try and keep the laughs coming!
sballLuvr5- Ah Ha it is you again! How spiffy! I am quite chirpy about all the reviews!
o.O- first of all, the amazing face cracks me up… Thank you for that "detail" on males… I actually have to confess that I was going to do something along those lines, but now I just have more incentive. If you have any more facts, keep them coming. You're the first to come up with an idea and frankly sometimes I really need them.
romanceFreak!- Thanks for the ideas. I will try and get more Ron and Hermione action in here, although I don't know about my next chapter. I am planning on having some hogsmead trip in the story, but I think I will add it in a bit latter.
iloveanimals – Thank you, thank you, thank you; I am flattered. I quite agree, guys are weird… but then so are we around that time of the month. Thanks for offering the grammar help, but I have a beta (who is very lazy I might add) so I will try and yell at her some more incase she really has been slacking off. I might take you up on the offer latter though if she keeps this up… Thanks for adding me to the favorites list!
hick from- Thank you for reviewing so much it made me all smiley inside... Sorry the mirror is so scary, but sadly there are people out there like that… I know Hermione is not a vegan, but I am a vegetarian so I decided to make her one… I think I can definitely add a little comic real life if she goes on a huge animal rights protest and stops wearing dragon hind gloves and stuff.
hick from the sticks stell- Sorry about the typos (blame my beta). I hope you enjoy the catfight in this chapter… I agree all males should go through it at least once, especially because I am going through it right now and it is bloody annoying (quite litterly). Thank you for all the lovely reviews!
hick from the sticks stell- Sorry but they have wedged their heads too far up their asses and it is going to be a long and grueling process of pulling it back out (and don't forget funny). It will happen eventually and I will have to lean to write mushy romance, but ah well. It will be a learning experience. My cat is acting weird again…
hick from the sticks stell- Thanks for the spelling corrections. You want to hear about Ron's tush, eh? I will try and make it happen… the gay mirror can comment on it at the very least… red heads are pretty sexy!
hick from the sticks stell- Don't worry; Ron wont be sent to Azkaban for murder but he may be twisting a few arms here or there… He will be like a dragon on a rampage sooner or later if they don't back off soon I quite agree. May the muffin be with you…
hick from the sticks stell- I though the quaffle was a stroke of genius… your review was quite funny too; it gave me a little chuckle! I am glad I changed mine to humor instead of general it makes the world better.
hick from the sticks stell- Lol, us dyslexic people are use to the criticism of our spelling and now just blame it on our sister (who is the beta). Well keep on rolling!
AngelicFairy- At least all guys aren't like Seamus and Dean, but sadly a lot are. As for Snape I shudder to think of them being related. I just hope he doesn't come back. Thanks for the review… my cat's butt is in my face so it is hard to type…LilyTheBlonde- Yay, another splendid review. I am glad that you think I am your favorite writer! I totally know how you have to love your friend's stories because they are you friends. Your chipmunk is great; I have plans for him muhahahaha…. As for coffee I am not really a drinker of it either. It is more of a social thing you know… I like tea though…. Yum peppermint! Ouch my cat is clawing my hand; I should really make him stop… but he is too cute! I will try and have the painters once in one of the following chapters. Well I have a headache so I better go…
PsychoHaired- I hope you have reached this chapter… sorry about the spelling; I will try to keep it under control…
RainDateChick-Thank you, thank you; keep reviewing!
b2bbrules3326- I think you really liked this chapter because it is all about sweet 'n' low man! He cracks me up really… ecstatic to hear that it made you laugh. I will try and continue!
One With A Constant Sugar High- Yeah, I have a feeling we won't see any mirrors for a while, but oh well. I promise that I will get Ron out of the hospital in the next few chapters… it is definitely funnier when he is around.
Review!