Disclaimer- the squirrel and the chipmunk are on a honeymoon! Anyways, that means I am home, all alone, trying to work up to the standards of Shakespeare and J.K. Rowling whom I have borrowed most characters and settings and what not!
Chapter 17In Which Everyone gets Drink
Or
The Upsides of Shakespeare
Dean was now trying to lick his butt (without much success) while talking to it vigorously, "Come here, I promise I wont hurt you; I only want a bite. I will get some anesthetics if you want…"
"Just how are we supposed to fit this cage through the door?" Harry asked as they knocked on the door.
"No more telemarketers! Ye have enough cheese already. Unless you be selling yer rum, move on or ye will sling ye innards on ye mast and-," cried the voice from inside.
"We are not telemarketers," Hermione exclaimed, opening the door.
"Ah clients come in! Come in!" said uncle Moe-Joe, beckoning them inside. The door magically enlarged so that the cage could easily fit through.
"…If I could –bang- get married to a goat –bang- in a boat –bang- I would just sit and –bang- gloat. Then the -bang- moat…" Dean jabbered on, in-between bouts of hitting his head on the bars of the cage.
"Funny little chap he is. Reminds ye of ye dear old mum," Moe-Joe proclaimed, indicating Dean. Harry did a double take on the situation; Dean clearly wasn't the only person who needed a bit of psychology work in his opining. "Ye were just putting on a pot of rum to boil. Would yer deranged mate like some?" Moe-Joe offered.
"… A tree fell on my old pop and smashed him flat once. After that we called him Sir Flat Face. He got a job at a restaurant as a plate…" Dean said, talking to the desk.
"Ye take that as a yes," He confirmed pouring four cups of smoking rum. Harry and Hermione seated themselves next to the cage. He continued, "So, what seems to be yer dilemma today? Ye all look fit for the seas!"
"HE IS!" Harry said, pointing to Dean, who was currently jabbering about how he did a strip show for a bottle of firewisky and a pair of dentures.
"Funny little chap! Haven't seen anything like it in ages. Where did ye raid it? I might want one ye self. Looks useful for disposing of stuff or torturing ye traitorous enemies. It's more effective than walking the plank!" Moe-Joe exclaimed, throwing his hands up wildly and splashing rum on everyone.
"This thing used to be human," Hermione clarified.
"Ye got to be shitting ye," Moe-Joe said, bringing his head close to the bars. "This thing surely isn't human any more." At that very same moment, Dean stopped eating his shirt and jammed his head through the bars and began snogging Moe-Joe. Moe-Joe rocketed out of reach and cried, "Holy mother ship! Ye'll cut of yer tongue and stuff it down yer own gullet if ye try that stunt again! Even ye rum can't wash down that stench of artificial sweetener."
"See what a predicament we are in. He used to be a normal wizard!" Harry declared.
"Well the chap ain't no more. He got cabin fever; seen it happen to men who ain't seen a lady for months, but never so young!"
"The problems not that he is err- gay, which he isn't," Hermione said hastily, "Just this artificial sweetener has done something to him!"
"Ye sure he isn't looking at the wrong side of the mass?" Moe-Joe said, his eyes twitching.
"Yes!" Harry and Hermione said in unison.
"Positive he is not looking around for other ships' bows?" Moe-Joe continued.
"YES!" they both screamed.
"Well then ye don't see what is wrong," he declared unlatching the cage.
"NO!" Harry and Hermione cried. Dean launched himself at Moe-Joe, latched himself onto his head and began gnawing on his bandana.
"About now ye am thinking ye launched the ship in the wrong direction. This thing is only useful for dinner," Moe-Joe declared, trying to remove Dean with a spatula while sprinkling herbs on him. "Care to share the roast?"
"You can't kill the boy," Harry said appalled.
"Why not?" Moe-Joe said amiss trying to get Dean in the plate.
"Because he is a human!" Harry yelled.
"Why didn't you say so before?" Moe-Joe said as Dean escaped his grasp and began tearing up the carpet. "Well I certainly hope HE is cooking dinner then," Moe-Joe said eyeing Dean strangely.
They sat in relative silence for a minute, listening to Dean sing passionate love songs to a lamp before Hermione said, "He wasn't always like this… he used to be relatively levelheaded."
"Ya, but now he is out of control. He tied me to my bedpost for crying out loud!" Harry exclaimed.
"Kinky; do tell ye how this came about!" Moe-Joe exclaimed leaning closer. Hermione leaned in close to find out how it all started.
"IT WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING NOT EVEN THE SHEEP. THEY HAD ALL PASSED OUT AFTER HAVING SWEET LOVE WITH THE MAFIA!" Dean shouted.
"No, it all started last year when Dean went home for Christmas. His mom was on this huge diet where they would eat non-cooked vegetables. Anyways she also outlawed sugar. So Dean's mum went out and got loads of sweet 'n' low because Dean won't eat veggies without something sweet. Well anyways he kept eating it when he got back and started smuggling it to class and stuff as a snack. His girlfriend eventually decided it was either her or the sweet 'n' low because kissing that amount of artificial sweetening was ruining her teath. Needless to say, he chose the sweet 'n' low. Things started to get pretty scary up in the 6th year boys' dorm. Dean started washing his hair with sweet 'n' low. He didn't even recognize his best mate; he thought Seamus was a yam and tried to eat him. It was like a cult or something. The last straw was when he stripped Neville in the common room and painted on a tuxedo to his naked body with dyed sweet 'n' low. So us boys decided that we had to do something before it got any worse; Neville stole all the sweet 'n' low while in great peril and apparently hid it. Luckily, Hogwarts doesn't have a supplier of sweet 'n' low. He was even crazier after that. He painted a bloody mural of him and the sweet 'n' low. You really didn't want to know what else he did. Eventually we subdued him by some nifty hypnotizing by a random 7th year. But somehow he re-found the Sweet 'n' low-" Harry explained.
"We were cleaning and he came across it. Seamus, Neville, and I hightailed it out of there before it was full blown. But apparently Harry wasn't as lucky-" Hermione butted in.
"Yeah, he came in and tied me to the bedpost and taped a sweet 'n' low packet on me. And so we captured him and here we are," Harry finished up.
Moe-Joe clapped furiously and exclaimed, "Oy! That is a mighty fine tale! Poor chap though, no rum in his life! Where is the compassion?"
"Well, do you think you can fix him?" Hermione asked eyeing Dean who was now waltzing with the lamp.
"I! This is going to require some rarely used techniques," Moe-Joe said standing up.
"Aren't all his techniques rare?" Harry whispered to Hermione.
"Shhhhhh-" Hermione scolded in rapt attention.
"Uhhh, come to me back room," he said, going to a hole that looked like a door only a small turtle could fit through. He somehow managed to get his whole self through and the other two followed suit, leaving dean in the room with the door locked. They emerged into a vast volt.
"Wow, is this where you keep your ship?" Hermione said ripe with curiously, noting the large pool in the room.
"Right ye are! Ye shall lead ye to me pride and joy: the Lady Slayer," He shouted rounding a large pile of wreckage that looked like it could have been a shipwreck. "Here ye are!" he declared proudly. Harry and Hermione gaped at his boat; it was a small rowboat that had the words Lady Slayer scrawled across its side in a rather drunken handwriting.
"Why do you look up to him?" Harry asked Hermione, totally baffled.
"A sturdy ship she is! Ye be going through everything together," Moe-Joe continued, "Now where did ye put that?"
"Hun, you left it under your lantern," said a voice from behind them. Harry and Hermione spun around and stared at Moaning Myrtle (N/A - is that spelled right?).
"Wait! You and the PIRATE?" Harry shouted baffled.
"Ye have a problem with my fair lady? I, ye will skin ye and make ye into a pair of trousers!" Moe-Joe threatened.
"It is just the age difference," Harry tried to cover up quickly.
"You think I am old and ugly!" Myrtle cried.
"Hun, he is delusional. Ye be sure he hears voices and things. Don't listen to him you are drop dead stunning."
"I am dead you idiot," She screamed and dove into the lake pool.
"See ye for dinner- ye mean at 7 then Hun!" Moe-Joe shouted, then turned to the other two and said, "Bet yer jealous of me lady, eh?"
There was an awkward silence and then Hermione broke it, "So what were you looking for?"
"Oy! This be it!" He exclaimed, pulling a large book from under a large pile. "Follow me; I shall cure ye dear mate!"
They went out of the room and back to where Dean had broken the lamp and was now poking himself with the glass and saying ouch when it touched his skin. Moe-Joe riffled through the pages until he exclaimed, "Here we are; Taming of the Shrew by William Shakespeare." Hermione squealed in excitement, while Harry was still trying to determine if the pirate could actually read. "Ok, Harry ye can be Lucentio, and ye there can be Bianca, and ye and the sweet 'n' low will play the rest. Oh here rope up the boy and come over so ye can read with me."
They did what he had requested and when Dean was tied up, Moe-Joe put various costumes on the sweet 'n' low. He held up one sweet 'n' low and began in a drunken voice, "I'll freeze you, in faith."
He held up another one and continued, "A pair of stocks, you rogue!" And so they went through the play, rapidly changing artificial sweetener characters as needed. (If you don't know the story well, I suggest you go read it or look at spark notes) Hermione was doing exceptional with her lines; after all she was well accustom to Shakespeare. Dean had tried a few fatal attempts at escape, but eventually began paying attention to the story the three told. By the end he and Hermione were near tears and all of them where extremely drunk (complements of Moe-Joe).
"'Tis a Wonder, by your leave, she will be tamed so," Harry finished. Dean and Hermione began bawling as Harry and Moe-Joe were now examining the gold paint on the cover of the book.
"Tis pretty damn shiny!" Moe-Joe exclaimed.
"Yeah, you recon we could blind something with it if you got a really bright light-" Harry laughed.
"Shut up; this is so beautiful," Hermione said.
"Ya it is so real… here Kat is and no one knows her because she doesn't want to get hurt, but in the end she fails like everyone," Dean sighed, tears flooding down his cheeks.
"Let's let him out," Moe-Joe said, caught up in the mood. He untied Dean and returned the sweet 'n' low. "Ye think it be safe to say he be more sane then the rest of us?"
"Now that I have the sweet 'n' low back, I don't think I can eat it. This could be Katherina or Sly or maybe Baptista. They are my friends; I just can't do it," Dean said pocketing his newfound friends.
"Group hug!" Hermione screamed. They all hugged for a little while.
"Well first impressions can be misleading; Uncle Moe-Joe, you are the best!" Harry exclaimed.
"Ye not a bad chap either! Blimie look at the time! Myrtle will be here soon!" Moe-Joe hollered.
"We are leaving!" the three said, exiting. Harry transfigured his trainer back from a cage in the process.
From the door they heard, "Ye gonna get laid today!"
"Can ghosts shag?" Dean wondered aloud.
"I don't really want to know," Hermione informed the others as they swaggered down the hallway.
They where silent for a while and then Dean said, "Wow that was almost a religious existence."
"Yah."
"FREE AT BLOODY LAST!" Ron exclaimed. He was skipping he was so happy to be away from the hospital wing and Parvati; could a girl get any more annoying? Well, except Hermione, she was pretty bloody annoying too! She hadn't actually paid a wink of attention to him unless it was she yelling at him. Women are just so annoying. He would probably swear the whole lot of them off it wasn't that they could be so attractive at times. At this very moment Lavender happened to run smack dab into him.
"Sorry Hermione," She said helping him up, "Have you seen Parvati? I am so worried! She could have died for all I know!"
"She is in the hospital wing," Ron hissed.
"Well thanks; feeling better?" She asked.
"Ya! I am free to do whatever I please as soon as I mail this," Ron said showing her a parchment. Lavender noted that it has Krum written on it.
"Well see you around then," Lavender said leaving. She waited till Ron was out of sight and then ran to the owlry; she had to see what the letter said. It probably had big clues as to the puzzle they called Hermione and Ron's relationship. A minute after she had entered the room and hidden herself, Ron entered.
"Oi, Pig get your arse down here," Ron yelled. Pig came flying down. Ron attached the letter and told pig, "Deliver this to Krum and give him a good pecking while you are there. Now get out of my bloody hair!" After a few minutes of fighting for his head not to become a nest and eventually throwing Pig out the window, he walked off to do something in the few remaining hours before bed.
Lavender came out from hiding and ran to the window and said, "Accio Pig." One of Hagrid's pigs came hurling at the window. 'Ok Lavender, calm down,' she told herself. The pig was smelling around the owlery. 'You know Pig is a nickname; let's see what is the real one: Pig Head? No. Pigeon? No. Pigwigen!' "Accio Pigwigen!" Pig came pelting back at her.
"Yes," she took the letter off the leg and made a copy. This was important she had to show Parvati. She sent Pig with the original copy and ran to the infirmly with her copy.
In a corner of the Gryffindor common room Hermione, Harry and Dean sat full of drunken glee.
"So let me get this straight; you almost shagged her twin by mistake? Dude, that's living on the edge," Harry exclaimed.
"I honestly don't see- hiccup- why all you two want- hiccup- to do is shag," Hermione hiccupped.
"Ron has your dick frozen off or something from lack of use?" Dean questioned.
"Nope," Hermione said.
"Let's just face it; we are never going to get to shag someone at this rate. We are all still virgins for crying out loud," Harry complained.
"Don't you want to lose it to someone you-hiccup- care about?" Hermione asked, "I do."
"Ya I guess, but I am getting a little desperate; I haven't snogged a girl in 3 months," Dean said.
"You think that is sad; I haven't snogged a single girl," Harry sighed.
"Ouch. Oh look, here comes Hermione; she doesn't seem too happy," Dean said.
"He –hiccup- is just angry cause he can't handle the truth," Hermione said, without noticing she had called him he; but they where so drunk that it didn't click.
"Ron, what happened to little Miss. Let's study after dinner; It's 9:00," Ron fumed.
"I can't say I know who you are –hiccup- talking about," Hermione pouted.
"Think cat fight and chocolate ring a bell?" Ron said rapping on her head.
"Must not be able to think with such-hiccup- a thick scull!" Hermione screamed.
"What is wrong with you, Hermione, besides the usual? ARE YOU DRUNK?" he said pulling Hermione way from the others, "Are they drunk too?"
"No silly; I am not drunk! -Hiccup- See!" she said attempting to walk in a straight line but fell, "Ok-hiccup- maybe a little, but so?"
"Geez Hermione, how stupid can you get?" Ron said, then it dawned on him; "Hermione, know-it-all, oh-so-perfect, never-set-a-foot-out-of-line Granger is drunk out of her mind. I can't believe it."
"Yes and Ronald thickheaded-git, never-put-a-bit-of-effort, lazy-Quidditch-butted Weasley is crying over a –hiccup- missed study date," Hermione said, letting the alcohol take over.
"I am not crying," Ron retorted. "Lets go up stairs and see if we can't sober you up a bit."
"I am just fine thank –hiccup- you very much," Hermione said.
"Well you don't look it and it is my body so I get last say; now let's go," Ron stated marching her up the boys staircase.
"Ron, have you ever read Shakespeare? It's beautiful," Hermione said.
"Shake-a-what?" Ron wondered.
"Well you should!" Hermione proclaimed, "Dean likes it too!"
"Oh speaking of them, I better get him and Harry before you blabbering idiots get any stupider," Ron scowled. He returned a few minutes later with Harry and Dean.
"Look, I am not tired and I don't want to go to bed," Dean pouted.
"Yeah, you're not my bloody mother!" Harry said, his eyes going wide and softly said, "She is dead," before running to his bed and pulling the curtains around the bed.
"Well at least I have my family," Dean said hugging all his sweet 'n' low packets. Ron went into the bathroom and got the three glasses of water in hopes that it would help. After a while of their babble, he decided to leave them to their misery and lock the door. When they where somber enough to perform an unlocking spell then they could come out.
As he left the room Hermione cried out, "Don't leave yet, will you read me to sleep?"
Ron had half a mind to leave, but something told him that he should read so he got about a Quidditch magazine and began to read, "The Lightning is the fastest broom in the world! It is also know for it's excellent ability to change directions. Doctor Mathews says, 'this broom is a work of art; none but the brightest could come up with such a prefect design.'…" Ron continued to read to Hermione and they both slowly drifted off to sleep in the same bed. To dream of Quidditch, each other, and Ron's fine arse.
Neville and Seamus came into the room gingerly afraid that Dean might attack. They noted him passed out on the floor and thought it was a rather good thing he was not awake. Gingerly they placed one of his blankets on him and observed that Hermione had found her way into Ron's bed.
"Kinky; I wish that happened to me more often," Seamus told Neville who rolled his eyes. Dean rolled over in his sleep, Seamus and Neville got into bed, and Hermione snuggled closer to Ron as she dreamt. It was a rare, but for once, things seemed to be going well and all was silent. Not a creature was stirring, not even a house elf.
A/N ok, I know it took me over a month to update! I am so sorry! I am not too sure about this chap and it is a little short, but I figured I better update. Also, I am trying to make the plot a little less complicated so I hoped this chapter tied some things up. Ok, I am going to also try and keep my review thanks shorter so I can spend more time on the story. But keep reviewing they make me keep writing!
PS. I have been thinking about possible stories to write in addition to this so I though I would just throw some of them at you to see which one you would like:
When Bad People go Good (humor)- Voldemort announces he is to write his first ever autobiography to attract more death eaters. While looking for his first plan to conquer the world in his attic he comes across his conscious that had been transformed into a rubber duck years ago. As he becomes reacquainted with his good side his Dark Lord polices begin to change. The death eaters become garbed in pink and the dark mark is changed to a large bunny ect. Voldemort starts undoing all his evil deeds with his rubber duck on his shoulder. Eventually even proposing to Dumbledore. Harry, however, looses fame and is still vengeful against the newly flamboyant dark lord. So was this the last straw? Has Harry finally tumbled off to the dark side? Is he the new Dark Lord? (Quite random I know)
Medieval Madness or The Second Accident (humor/romance) Possible second volume to this story- Ginny and Harry want so lone time so they lock Hermione and Ron in a closet. Little did they know their plan goes horribly wrong and Hermione and Ron are somehow transported back to the Middle Ages. With no wands and witch-hunts everywhere what will they do? Plus can Ron cope with the muggle world? And what happens with Hermione trying to speak out for female rights? But moreover will they got back to the present before a local duke seduces Hermione?
The Third Accident (humor/romance) Possible third volume to this story- Ron clearly wasn't listening to hard when George and Fred gave him the sex talk because now Hermione is pregnant. The miracle of childbirth sparks chaos in the family as Hermione is convinced that it's a girl and Ron thinks it's a boy. What could be funnier than Ron planning out his sons Quidditch schedule including getting a 5 month pregnant Hermione on a broom so the baby can start its practice early? Also how will Ron cope with Hermione's choice of floral dresses for his little son's wardrobe? But who is right? Will it be a boy or girl? Or Twins? Eye to Eye: The Story of People Getting Poked in the Eye (humor/romance) First book in second trio I am writing- Hermione Weasley is Alex Weasley's dear old mum. As a normal 7th year she doesn't see eye to eye with her mother. After all who does? Anyways She is a Quidditch fanatic tomboy who is harassed by her 9 younger siblings (ok so she can stand some of them but still), Victory Krum (her Quidditch teacher who still harbors a grudge because Ron won Hermione), and her arch nemesis Junius Malfoy. Luck for her she has two best friends to help her through it: Fabio your typical gay guy and Crystal a crazy feminist lesbian. They spend the summers on a couch in the back yard watching the only channel they can get consisting of old black and white samurai reruns and trying to do marshal arts. But when school starts it is one crazy adventure after the other. Little do they know that people they thought they knew oh so well (mainly Junius Malfoy) are finally going to show their true colors. Junius Malfoy is one of the least understood students at Hogwarts and a polar opposite to Alex. Though is father forces him to follow the Malfoy tradition he is far different. Secretly he is against it all right down to his father's insistence on him hating Alex. After all when you father gives you a girls picture to glair at for hours on end well the first few hours you are trying to think of things you can do to torture them. But by the end you have created them a flawless personality in your head that you cant help but fall in love with. With these things stated just imagine what will happen when Draco Malfoy is killed in the summer before sixth year.Kindling to bonfire: A Story of Two People Who Forgot to Bring Matches (humor/romance) Second book in the second trio I am writing- Junius and Alex are on much more friendly terms but as their choice of occupation requires them to learn how to survive without a wand they have to take a force on surviving in the forest. You know what that means they are spending a month in the forest with only themselves. Increasing hilariousness incuse!
Six Point Eight Three Years of Bad Luck (humor)- Ron becomes obsessed with a mirror that gives him good advice. Hermione however gets pissed about how Ron spends so much time with it and Dares Ron to write a history of mirrors. This is the story. Utopia (romance)- Lily and her squib best friend go to a part magical part muggle summer camp. In the summer before 1st year they uncover a book on old magic. The kind of magic you don't need a wand to perform and it is pretty powerful stuff. The girls create their one sort of religion using the book guidelines. Each year they proclaim it the year of some earthly material. They keep these in little containers so that they can carry it around with them and as a pledge of friendship (one of the core beliefs of their religion) they draw designs on themselves with the materials they collected in remembrance of their grand summers. First year was the year of water, followed by clay, then charcoal, grass, dandelion, blackberry, and finally the year of the lily, seventh year. But as the girls got older they decided that their goal was clear to slowly shape the world like their camp. A camp that they saw as a utopia where everything was earthy and free. Where everyone was at peace and no one was worried about social borders or how hot the boy sitting next to them was. Or perhaps it seemed that way up until James failed his muggle studies class and his mother forced him to attend their camp. Lily and James really didn't know each other before James step foot in camp 'Utopia' by more than a name and social position. So what will happen when Lily finds that James has just popped into her camp that she clamed was a place to run away for the rest of the world namely her sister and school?Reviewers-
Whatdoihavetodo- Thank you! I love when people add me to their favorites list! Keep on enjoying the story!
Ilovefireyredheads- here is the update! I am a weird person as it explains the weirdness. Hope you like this next chap.
Thesongremainsthesame- glad this cracks you up! I added a lot more random Deanness hope it pleases you!
sunmoon42- I hope I updated fast enough!
i-love-animals- I shall let you know if I need your assistance. Thanks! Sorry this update took so long. I hope it is up to your standards!
AngelicFairy- Happy that it gave you the laughs! As for Ron being out of character, well everyone is around his or her monthlies. (just wait till the next chap!)
Lipgloss- Glad that you are hooked. I am sorry, but Ron and Hermione are going to have to fight a lot more but don't worry we will reach the point eventually. Next chap I promise that Ron and Hermione will spend time together.
PsychoHaired(too lazy to sign in) – I hope I got a bit back on plot! I have been trying! Keep me listed on whether I am actually coming through on it! Chow till the next chap! (thanks for adding me)
b2bbrules3326- Thanks! Keep reviewing! And laughing!
silver vague- Yay! you're back! I will try and keep writing, even if I am slow!
silver vague – Thanks I am honored! Happy dance!
sballLuvr5- They are going to be in each others bodies for a good 2 weeks or so. Sorry it took so long to update.
EvilsmileyfaceofDOOM- Yay! People still like my story!
RainDateChick- here is another random yet well random chap that I hope you enjoy!
Fanglessphysco- yes I know it cracks me up too! I can't wait to writing in my "we are deep inside the Weasley lair of doom!" "Fred we are in a cardboard box under the kitchen table" thingy!
Lavender Brown17- The kissing will come later; I mean Ron hasn't even gotten his period yet! I am also honored that you think this is the funniest thing you read!
One With A Constant Sugar High- AHHA! I am so proud that you like it! Poor you, getting up early! I hate doing that! So what did ya think of this chap?
hpchick13- Was the meeting of Moe-Joe and Dean up to your standards? It was quite hard to try and top the last meeting with either of them… Sorry that it took so long to update!
Yes 18 reviews! I am soooooo Happy!
NOW PPL REVIEW FOR MY SAKE! AND ADD ME TO YOUR FAVORITS LIST!