Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own Harry Potter. No, really. We don't. Now stop that. We don't own Harry Potter! Fine, if I can't convince you, maybeour ferocious three-headed dog will...
Now, summer! As you all know, during summer the mind enters a rather dream-like lethargic state. Some people(such as the primary author of this coming tale) find it hard to revive their minds, so kind of just use them as they are. This often results in disaster, but, even more often it causes supreme and unreasonable confusion for the reader. So, quite likely, if your mindis not in the ugly(yet kind of cool) state that mine was(and most probably still is) in, this will make absolutely no sense to you. You know, even if your mind is completely drained of all reason like mine, you probably still won't understand it. I sure know I don't.
But, it was a fun chapter to write! And any hint that what I meant to be a sub-reality(the beginning scene) is not reality was made by one of the other sadlostogslightlymadsouls, Charletto. She seemed to find a way to hold on to her mind. Don't know how... crazy person, really.
Now, on with the show! We hope you enjoy reading, and please review with all your flowery chapter 13 love and your evil flaming hate-mail! We love you!
CHAPTER 13 is ohsoveryprettyful!
"Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirteen! Thirteeeeeeen! OH may, june, and spring! It is Chapter Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!" Hermione smiled and giggled uncontrollably as she fell to the ground with several of her very normal, not strange, beautiful female classmates.
"Oh, girls! Now isn't this fun? I just love frilly pastel dresses and maypoles, don't you?" Hermione smiled a smile of pure contentment, and began braiding her pink unicorn's hair. The other girls did likewise each with their own pretty unicorn. Cho with her sparkly orange one, Ginny with her lovely yellow one, Luna with her mysterious blue one, Parvati with her shiny purpley one, Pansy with her ugly and hideous black one, and Minerva with her spunky rainbow one. Beatrix was crying in a corner. She got an ugly thestral. Not that she could see the thestral. But she could see the ugliness. Or maybe she could see the thestral. But the thestral was not very fuzzy, was he? Or she? Was it a she? But, OH! Look at all the pretty colors yonder, among the pretty lasses!
OH! The sunshine, the beautiful sunshine! For it was a sunny day in the lovely land of chapter thirteen! The grass was green and the sky was blue! The lake was blue! Like the sky, but darker! And the castle had been painted bubble-gum pink and purple for the occasion! The forbidden forest had even blossomed, warming the sky and greeting it, flaunting all its beauty! The pixies and the spiders were jumping about! Even Aragon had gotten his nails done! For today was a beautiful day!
OH! The creatures, the clever, stubborn, lovely creatures! The nifflers were dressed in gold, marching in a line. Their noses wobbled up and down, just to keep the time! The house elves did cartweels, dancing on the scene. They sang and laughed and rolled and played and sang a pretty song! The centaurs cantered, dressed in bohemian attire! Their waltzes left many a thing for the wee humans to aspire! The merpeople jumped above the lake and bathed on rocks in the sun. The sun sparkled off their lustrous scales in the day of chapter thirteen! Only on this date in time had they become so beautiful, so kind!
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OH! Chapter thirteen! What a gorgeous day and scene! Now, let us advert our attention to high tower in the Scottish tower where a boy of green eyes to match the clover lay in a deep slumber.
Who is that who sneaks up on the boy, as he lies a-snoring? That head of flaming red, who could it belong to? What is he doing, rolling on the ground? Pretending to be secretive, is he?
He pounces the boy with the messy black hair, who pulls out a wand and strikes- the moment before the boy with the disfigured face lands.
"Goblet of Fire Videos! Love for star of Goblet of Fire! Fanfiction! E-mail, HP Party! Wait…these aren't mind-blowing spells! Why must the damn author always get side-tracked when looking up something online! And why is she so obsessed with my real-life actor counter-part?"
Of course, in the land of Chapter Thirteen, all is well. Haha, like that And Ron paused in mid-air in his attack while the hero of our story contemplated the above topics. And the authors contemplated the sudden change of tense. Oh well. It was Chapter Thirteen, after all.
"And now, since the author is too lazy to look up the tickling spell I will call on the reserves of her-I mean-my memory….RICTUSEMPRA!"
Ron fell down from where he was levitating and clutched his stomach, rolling all over the end of Harry's bed with a thud. "Haaaarry! Make it stop, you evil, plotting git!"
Harry chuckled and muttered the reverse of the spell.
"You didn't tell me you weren't asleep. I was trying to scare you. It's not fair."
"Ron," said Harry with a laugh, " I was pretending to be asleep. It wouldn't have made much sense to be like, 'Ron, I'm only pretending to be asleep!' Dolt."
"Mmhmm…still not fair," mumbled Ron, his back to Harry in mock hurt.
Harry (who was not Ringo, in the land of perfectness) threw a pillow at Ron's back, "Of course not. Never is, is it?"
Ron turned around grinning. "Nope."
Harry sighed happily. Ron turned back around, and both looked around the room aimlessly, the remains of their happily idiotic smiles still on their faces. After a moment Harry looked at Ron.
"Hey Ron," he said. Ron turned.
"Yeah?"
"I've got a secret to tell you," Harry said seriously.
"You're not putting me on?" said Ron.
"No." Harry's face was absolutely serious. "I need to tell absolutely no one, and I mean that, I've been waiting for a moment alone to say this to you."
Ron leaned in, genuinely concerned. "What is it, mate?"
Harry paused, then grinned, whipping out his wand. "Avada Kedavra!"
The spell blew Ron clean across the room. He sat up against the far wall. "Ooohhhh, Harry, you sneaky, git, you got me," he called jovially. "You killed me, you nasty bastard, haha…" Which Harry had. But in the world of Chapter Thirteen, it was all fun and games. As always.
Ron climbed to his feet. "Iiiii'm gonna get ya! Iiiiiiii'm gonna get ya!"
This was followed by a minute of two of hurling random, potentially harmful spells (well, they were actually harmful-but not to Harry or Ron-the other dorm-members sleep was a bit disturbed…but, it was Chapter Thirteen Day! And they smiled happily to be awoken, and joined in the fun) and other hard, pointy objects around the dorm.
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Who is that walking up to the stairs to the boys' dorm? The one in the frilly dress with the long, curly, brown hair? The lass with the flowers in hair, the daisies encircling her round, peaceful face? Who is that girl who quietly opens the door to the boys' dorm before going in, shaking her head with a small smile as she sees the boys rough-housing, flying around on brooms, and levitating each other? Who is it that makes all the boys drop to the ground upon entrance? What kind of human could possess such serenity?
"Hermione!" shouts Ron, dropping everything and running to her. She giggles as he picks her up and twirls her around. The boys drop their pies and squirrels switchblades as Hermione's dainty feet again touch the ground. Their mouths are still sewn shut as they watch Ron grab her hand and kiss each of her eight fingers, just noticing the sparklyshinyHUGE diamond on her finger.
"Ron- old friend-would you like to explain something?" asked Harry, in a state of bewilderment.
Ron was too absorbed, staring at his dear Hermione's deep brown eyes to reply. Hermione answered for him. "Harry! We're engaged! And I'm expecting my second child
"Wha-wha-wha-who-errrrr-nananananananananananananananananananananan-NI!" returned the-boy-who-lived.
"Yes, Harry! A girl! We're going to name her She-Who-Has-Red-Afro-and-Plays-With-Fawns!"
"Huminah, huminah, huminah, huminah….gulp se-second child?"
"Oh, yes, dear, young Harry…come on in, Dumblie, meet your father's best-friend." Why does she motion towards the door so? Who is waiting behind it?
The door opens. Uplifting and complicated springy music plays.
Harry smiles within as the cameras fix upon his baffled face.
Score!
Harry faints (for dramatic effect) as he sees the tall figure that enters. Of course, in chapter thirteen-land, he awakes a moment after, before he even hits the ground.
"Dumbly-dumple-bumble-dumdumdum-Dumbledore is your first child? Wha- how does that even work?"
Ron smiled a sweet, understanding smile at his fiancé. She nodded. It was time.
Ron hooked Harry's arm in his own and walked him over to his trunk, where they both sat down. "Harry, we have a lot to tell you. Remember first year? The sorceror's stone? Well…"
……………….
"And that, my friend, is how babies are made."
Harry nodded slowly, in fascination. He was still making the strange motions demonstrated to him by Ron with his hand. Then he shook his head very fast. "Wait-holy shinokies- we really got off topic there. So, how is Dumbledore your son?"
"Harry, Harry, Harry! Ron explained this to you already! We used the sorceror's stone to stay alive longer then Dumbles. Didn't we, little one?" Hermione said to Albus as she stroked his bald head. Dumbledore nodded and grinned a toothless grin, his legs spread out wide, playing with letter blocks.
"But- but- but that doesn't even make any sense! Dumbledore was here long before you two even met! You're lunatics!" Harry stood up backing away from the happy couple and their son. "You're damned crazy! All of you!"
"Harry," welcomed Hermione, standing up, an earnest expression on her blissful face, "Love is crazy. The land we live in is crazy. Crazy with happiness. Today is a day for love."
For no explainable reason, and rather pointlessly, really, Harry was suddenly enlightened. His face got all muffled and then confused and then happy and junk. He understood the meaning. He was happy! He was passionate for life.
He ran and hugged Hermione, Ron, and Dumbledore in a great bear-hug. "Thank you. Thank you for everything." Blah, blah, emotion, ramble ramble….
He ran out the door of the dorm all the way downstairs to the entrance hall. Light blinded him for a moment as he flung open the stone doors. "I am ready," he whispered, "ready for life."
What he saw astounded him. The beauty of the world struck him for the first time. The girls with their unicorns, the trees, the lake. All was clear.
Harry ran out into the world.
……………..
And woke up.
He looked around the darkened dormitory, observing his sleeping comrades. Hedwig was beside him in his cage. Ron was snoring softly. He tried to remember his dream. It had been very strange, that was for sure. Something about Danish pastries, Ringo Starr, a strange hobo, something about…being in a computer?...and…and…and three very odd teenage girls…he thought they might be American, or was it Canadian…maybe…Norwegian? He couldn't remember. Just as well, he thought, because something deep inside told him it was a very strange dream indeed. He chuckled darkly. Damn, no startling revelations from good old Tom Riddle tonight, he thought.
Harry shook his head dismissively, and then lay back down and turned on his side, drawing the blankets up around him once again. It looked as though it were very early in the morning and if he remembered correctly, he had Quidditch practice very early that day, before daybreak, so he supposed he ought to get some more sleep, judging by the pasty and heavy feel of his eyelids…maybe he could tell Ron about the dream in the morning…get some sleep…sleep…slee…
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And continued running out into the world.
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Chapter thirteen is truly a place for love. Madame Maxime and Hagrid make out behind the castle, and give each other backrubs with fallen logs.
A rather disgusting, zombie-like, Cedric Diggory threw dirt everywhere as he thrust himself out of the ground. Upon seeing him, Cho abandons her unicorn with a squeal of joy and jumps into his arms. Which fall off. She doesn't care though, because she's stupid and depressed and junk. And, basically, I don't like her. But I'm not evil- so she in the land of chapter thirteen she runs off into moo-moo land with her zombie-lover and have lots of zombie-love and make lots of zombie babies. It's thirty years of happiness and bliss and dunciness and no-crying until she dies suddenly and tragically. What can I say? Every author has his or her creative rights.
McGonagall and Professor Flitwick come into the open with the affair they had been having for their past 48 years at Hogwarts. They are very happy and lilies and pansies and daisies are thrown at them as they don their long-hidden hippie costumes. They fly to Woodstock on magic carpets made from save-the-whales posters.
Pansy and Malfoy turn goth and go crazy spray-painting the beautifully pink and purple school. They eat goth candy and say goth things and change their names to Morgue and Dothell respectively. Malfoy buys some mascara, and applys. He spraypaints his hair black. For reasons sane people can't fathom, some fan-girls find him even hotter and chase after him. Pansy grabs a bloody broomstick, though, and rescues him. They fly off to Dublin and live happy, drunk lives as bartenders. Only in the land of chapter thirteen.
Voldemort saunters into the area and stands stunned at his dear Bellatrix's beauty. Bellatrix calls him over, and with new resolution, pledges to be faithful to him and only him. She asks him to climb onto her thestral (which was-unbeknownst to her- really an invisible, fuzzy unicorn). Of course, since unicorns can only be touched by fair maidens, the minute Voldemort lays a finger on it, it stabs him with its horn through the heart. Voldie had also drank the blood of the unicorn's cousin's sister's book-club friend. . Voldemort collapses into a bloody heap on the floor, dead. That's karma for you.
Harry, happily skipping and frolicking innocently a few feet away from the scene, feels a sharp pang in his scar, stops, and turns around. "HEY! I was supposed to do that! Kill Voldemort and all…" Suddenly he feels a soft hand grab his neck and turn him around.
"No, Harry, you're supposed to do this." Ginny grabbed him and kissed him for a very, very, very, long time. Aaaaaah….bliss.
Bellatrix stares at VoldMold for a minute and shrugs. She runs over to Severus and they run off into the castle. Stupid Bellatrix. But, then, Severus was looking particularly handsome today. As do all people in the land of chapter thirteen.
Somewhere far away, behind an ominous black cloth in the deepest corridors of the Ministry of Magic, a man supposed to be dead tries desperately and fruitlessly to get into this happy land. "THIS SHIT IS BANANAS! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!"