Marked Just the Same

"So you didn't disappear off the face of the Earth?" Without looking up, I could determine who it was that just approached the table. There was only one person who cast a shadow such as that on the surface of the table. There was only one person who smelled as if he never left the indoors. I looked up to confirm. I was correct. It was Him. I decided not long ago that he shall be referred to as "him" or possibly a "Him", with a capital "H" for emphasis. I felt that he couldn't just be a "Snape". Severus, maybe. Although Severus was severe, it seemed a much warmer and friendlier name to be called. That and everyone in the damned school referred to him as Snape or Snivellus or sometimes something worse. It hurt me to hear it just as much as it hurt to say it, but I had to refer to him in such a fashion around the others, lest they not know whom I was speaking of. 'Severus'? Who in wizardry is that? "'Severus'? Who in wizardry is that?" I spoke again. It seemed fitting for the moment.

The boy frowned and then turned to leave.

"Severus!" I called, a little too loudly.

He faced me once again and spoke, "Yes, that is my name and forgive me if I think that sarcasm does not favour you."

"It does you."

"How kind of you to say." He waited for a reply, and when he didn't receive one he asked, "Will you walk with me?" He looked around, nervously and leaned in, "This is not the proper place in which to have the conversation that I believe will be presenting itself."

"You want to talk?" I leaned in closer, making him even more nervous, I suppose.

"It's not a matter of wanting to talk, so much as it is owing you an explanation." He said quietly, backing away with an awkward step.

"You don't owe me any explanation…."

He looked surprised. Surprised, but relieved and maybe a little bit disappointed. "Well then, goodnight Remus." He nodded his head and started off to leave.

I stood and reached out to grab his arm. His eyes widened, as did mine, as we were both surprised by my reaction. He stared at my hand as if it was burning his arm. I stared at it as if was stuck there. After a very delayed reaction, I released him. The look of shock still remained on his face. Maybe it wasn't so much shock as it was horror. I couldn't tell in his case. "You don't have to leave yet."

"Well, you don't have to." I added shortly after.

"Can we just leave here?" He said, worried.

"Yes." I left my place at the table and my books to follow him out of the library.

"Reading anything interesting?" The boy asked, in a hurry to leave the room.

"Erm, no. I was just flipping through."

"Looking at the pretty pictures?" He laughed. He kept the pace quickened.

"What!" I laughed along with him. "No… no. I might have said 'browsing through' instead. Would that have been better?"

"Either way you really weren't reading it. What type of book was it? I didn't recognize it as any we've been studying in class."

"You wouldn't have recognized it; it wasn't a book on Potions."

"I'll have you know that I read a great deal. More than just Potions. I'll admit that that is the bulk of my studies, but not all of it. You might not believe it, but there are other things that interest me."

"For example?"

"Things that probably wouldn't interest you, I'm sure. So, what were you glancing at? There's another good verb you could have used."

"Would you believe me if I said it was a book about Muggles?"

"I'd believe you, but I would be horrified to discover that. Besides, you should be studying up on Potions… yes, I know, back to that subject… but that's really the class you should focus on. You could do better this term, but instead of studying you read on about Muggles. It's a shame. I blame it on you being placed in Gryffindor. Your priorities are all scrambled."

"I blame it on my study partner being absent."

"Yes, that. Well, we could start up again… unless of course you'd like to forget all about it, and about me. In fact I know a memory charm that can wipe it clean from your memory, if that's what you'd like. It's simple, really, and only with the minimal amount of damage to the rest of your memories. There's been a great amount of research going on in the field of memory charms… I don't know if you've read up on it, but now that we know so much more about the mind than we have in previous years…"

I cut him off. "As much as a fascinating study it is, I don't think that we have to resort to memory charms, er, just yet."

"Just remember what I mentioned."

If I were bold, I would mention that I wouldn't even consider it.

The map showed Severus Snape pacing in the Slytherin common room; awake and alone at this hour of night. What kept him awake? Why couldn't he stand still? He nearly made me dizzy watching his name go back and forth about the tiny box that represented the room containing him. I admit that I shouldn't be checking on his whereabouts at this hour or any hour, really… but there are times that I need to know that he is still in the castle. There are times that I need to know that he is safe within its walls.

There were rumours about Severus. I know that people talk about him and spread foul lies about him just to make him look bad. Making Severus look bad seemed to be a favorite pastime for most Hogwarts students, especially those in our own class. He knew this, himself, but never tried to confirm or deny any of the rumours. I'm not sure why he never stood up for himself. Maybe he didn't know how to. Maybe he just wanted people to believe what they wanted to believe – in the process making himself seem like a more interesting person. But no one seemed interested in anything other than trying to make him look like a fool or get him angry. So, what was the use? As far as I was concerned, he was just someone who had nothing to hide but his feelings and nothing else.

But if you really thought about the things that people had been saying lately, you would question it yourself. He always held himself higher than those wizards in the school that weren't of the purest bloodlines. It might even be more than that --- those not in pureblood families might even repulse him. I've known this about him from the moment I got to know him. That wasn't any secret. In fact, there were other students like him who didn't keep it a secret either. One could even go as far to say that most of them were in Slytherin. It wasn't anything new, though. This kind of hatred has been going on for centuries and will continue to go on as long as wizard parents raise their children in similar beliefs.

These beliefs that he held always scared me, especially being who I am. He's said some absurdly offensive things about werewolves that nearly made me run off, but I had to stop myself from doing so in fear of giving myself completely away. I had to tell myself that it wasn't entirely the boy's fault and that he was a good person and intelligent but maybe it just stemmed back to his upbringing. You think that an intelligent person would be able to reach beyond that, but he still was young and impressionable, right? One day, when he's older and meets more wizards maybe he'll see the flaw in his parent's prejudices. I keep telling myself that, and I might just believe it. Still, the thought that he would completely drop me as a friend if he knew of my illness never left my mind. I convinced myself that he would never find out, though, so I am all right now. Yet another thing I keep telling myself and strangely believe.

With all that said, you would think that an intelligent person such as Severus would not associate with a group of people who wanted to completely diminish wizards with less than the purest blood. You would think that a person with the potential to do so much more than just spread hate and destruction would stay away from such a plan. Hm. I shouldn't listen to rumours. People like to talk. Everything that should be private can be made completely known to everyone that wants to know and that wants to keep everyone informed about things that aren't their business to begin with. Can I help it, though, if anytime anyone speaks his name I am instantly interested? Can I help it if it was a discussion that just carried out between Sirius and James earlier? I can't help what people talk about. I can help what I hear, that is all. Perhaps I should have gone somewhere else if I didn't really want to listen.

Back to the map, knowing that Severus was safe in the castle wasn't my only reason for holding it at this hour. I don't mean to stalk the boy, but should he leave the castle in the middle of the night for any reason, I should know about it. I suppose that if the rumours are true, it's in my best interest to know about it. He certainly hasn't told me about anything. But then again, he hasn't told me about a lot of things… we haven't exactly had the most informative of conversations as of late. Especially after he kissed me that day, he has made it a point to keep his distance, even if it is rather awkwardly. That's not to say we don't talk. We just don't let the conversation reach a certain point. I suppose it's best that way, though. Even if things are left unsaid, it's known that the both of us are extremely confused about the situation and any more exposure to feelings that we may or may not have towards each other might make us…. I don't know…

And his name moved.

"Severus!"

He stopped in his tracks, putting his hand out to the tree to stop him from going any further. He turned and saw me. As I approached him, he did not move from his place, but only watched me carefully. He was surprised, to say the least, to see me.

"Severus," I said, out of breath. "What brings you out this time of night?"

"I should ask you the same thing." He looked down at my hand that held the map.

"I asked first."

"Not that it's any of your business, but I'm out to collect some supplies for a potion I'm currently working on. A flower that's only effective when collected at this time of night."

"You're a horrible liar."

"And what should I say of you? Have you no shame following me out of the castle? In your pajamas, no less? I didn't know you were keeping track of my whereabouts. Are you that obsessed?" He looked me over, acting as if he was disgusted. He acted that way when all he really

was was surprised and maybe frightened.

"So, it's really none of my business where you're off to at this time?"

"In fact, it's not."

"You know what they're saying about you, Severus, don't you?"

"No, Lupin. What are they saying these days? I can only guess." He said, with a hint of disinterest in his voice, but still bad acting on his part.

I came closer to him. "They're saying…" Closer still, until my face was nearly pressed to his. He was breathing as heavy as mine was, out of breath from running. He was even more nervous than I was, being this close. This is the closest we've been since he kissed me. And even as I was upset at him at the things he had said, and even as I was upset at him for what he might be, I could still kiss him. I could have very well pushed him, too, though.

"WHAT are they saying!" He shouted.

I grabbed his arm. The same one I grabbed before when he tried to leave in the library. "They say you have the Dark Mark. I don't believe them. I don't believe that an intelligent person such as yourself would get himself into that kind of mess."

He laughed. "You came out here to find out if I have a mark on my arm?" He pulled away from me. "You came all the way out here to see if I have the mark?" He walked away. As he did, he unbuttoned his coat and flung it at me. The coat landed at my feet. Then, he unbuttoned his shirt and threw it down to his own feet once it was off him. He turned to face me again, and in doing so, revealed to me his arm.

With nothing left for us to say, he gathered his shirt and coat and ran off without caring to put them on again. As for myself, I backed up into a tree and sunk down to the ground, scraping my back along the tree as I did. The pain didn't matter to me. That I dropped the map and that it could very well blow away in the wind didn't matter to me. He didn't matter to me. No, not anymore.

That's right, Remus, keep telling yourself that.

Some time near dawn, I woke to the sound of leave crunching beneath someone's feet. I did not open my eyes right away, to give the impression that I was asleep. They came closer, whoever it was, and when they finally reached me the footsteps stopped. Whoever it was stood there for a while. They did not speak. I heard a heavier thud against the ground and leaves and then I felt someone curl up next to me. Their head was on my chest. They lifted their hand and placed it over my heart. I breathed in, taking in the scent of their hair. It was the smell of someone who never left the indoors. Someone who never left the indoors unless they were summoned somewhere else by someone else.

"You don't need them, Severus. Surely you know that."

"But I do. You have your friends and I have mine. And before you tell me that I can leave them, just imagine that I ask the same as you. They have you marked just the same."

I knew that we could only stay there a short while longer, so I said nothing further. I wanted to argue with him that it wasn't the same. I wanted to yell at him and punch him and make him promise that he would never go to them again. But I knew what that mark meant. And I knew that moments alone like these were hard to come by when you're surrounded twenty-four hours a day.