Find Me A Home
For the life of me, I could not get warm. I was in the Slytherin common room, by myself, but not alone. Too close to the others to feel comfortable but too far away from the fire to keep warm. I could feel a scowl start to form on my face, something that happened all too often these days. I wonder if there ever was a time I could remember smiling at all. This is all very depressing being alone and being in a foul mood. This is all very depressing because at seventeen years old I should remember the last smile I had. I should be having more fun that this, stuck in the common room until I felt ready to actually fall asleep.
Falling asleep was a different matter. Mum sent an owl this afternoon; the words contained within were enough to keep the sleepiest person awake for days. I believe it was after the fifth time I read the letter that I finally decided to put it away in my cloak. She decides to update me on what has been going on at home. It's never a pleasant tale. I'm glad that they're doing this without me there, their separation. Another moment of hearing their fighting that bordered on physical violence, another moment of the quiet that came afterwards when they wouldn't speak to each other or myself and surely I'd go mad. It was getting old at this point. From what my mother said, the argument they had went beyond any normal day-to-day occurrence. And because of that, she left our house. I wonder if she left my things, or if she expects me to go back there to that foul man to go get them. I hope not. In any case, she's going to be staying at her aunt's house. She didn't mention which one. But she did mention that she would be "amongst wizards now. Not awful Muggles and their awful houses and their awful lifestyles. Really Severus, I'm not certain why I got into a relationship with your father in the first place. I was never fond of Muggles, you know that, and when I married your father I really did think that he was different. It turns out that he was just the same as all of them: without a clue."
Now, she did say this numerous times to other people. I've heard her talking about how miserable her life is. She's never said this to me directly, and it kind of makes me nervous. I don't know whether I should write back to her to console her and let her know that everything was going to be okay… because it was. Maybe I should write back and tell her that 's what she gets for associating with Muggles, but this was my father I was talking about and maybe I had just the slightest bit of respect left for him. Or not. She would probably scold me for saying such things about my father, even when she said even worse things about him herself, but that's just how she is. But why should I show any loyalty towards my father? From the moment I was aware of my (magical) capabilities, he was aware, and the man seemed to walk on awkward eggshells around my mother and I. Slowly I think he came to resent us and possibly even hate us. In time, I saw the things that my father admired and loved in my mother turn into something he loathed. I never really understood that. I never really understood why he had to call me a freak behind my back and ask my mother why his only son couldn't be normal. But that was nothing. My father had nothing on me. Had he been to Hogwarts to see how I'm treated here, how I'm insulted and teased and mocked, he would see that what he did or said was nothing in comparison. Besides, he can't even touch me know. I'm going to be living with Mum and her aunts. I'm going to be living amongst wizards and my family life might just turn out to be how it should have been: muggle-free.
I patted my pocket to make sure the note was still in there. Once back in my room, after the other beasts are asleep, I'll place it in my box of letters from home. They're all from Mum. He doesn't write to me while I'm away. I'm sure he finds it peaceful at home while I'm not there. I'm sure that for a moment he can live the life he's always dreamed of, Severus-free. I know that I wasn't wanted in the first place. That I'm a wizard makes it even worse for him. No need for him to write and pretend like he misses me. I don't need that. I don't even need letters from my Mum. She knows I'm better off being here than in that god awful house. Her sending letters is only a painful reminder, but she does what she wants.
The only letters I didn't mind getting were from one Remus Lupin. The boy actually wrote me while he and the others were on holiday during Christmas and Easter and I stayed here at school, or while we were both home for the Summer holiday. I kept the letters that he sent in a box at home. Damn, yet another thing I have to worry about taking with me when I move. It was rather pathetic that I kept them all. You would think I was a sentimental fool. Maybe I was, but the thought of throwing all those letters away when he put all that effort into sending an owl all that way seemed wrong. They were from Remus, and Remus was actually tolerable. I didn't always write back, though. Most of the time I didn't know what to write about. They would end up being just a long list of complaints about home and about school and I very much doubt that he would want to read such things all the time. Why Remus continued to write to me over the years, considering my horrible correspondence skills, was always surprising. He didn't seem to mind all that much that I wouldn't write back. At least, he wouldn't get on my case about it like my Mum did. Merlin forbid I should not write back within 3 hours of receiving a letter. The next day I'm sure to receive a howler… another reason why I should write to her before I get lost in thought and tired and stumble into bed forgetting about it all. But Remus and my mother were two very different people. He was just the type of person to go with the flow of things and not get too uptight. Maybe it was that he just didn't care, but really I knew better than that. Remus Lupin was a sweetheart and cared very much about me no matter how foul I was towards him. Sometimes, when he wasn't too shy he would actually show it. Maybe sometimes I would show it, too… but let's not go too far.
Our friendship was reaching a rather strange point. I know that our friendship has always been rather strange. We really shouldn't be talking to each other or doing what ever it is we do. If Remus had been sorted into Slytherin, what a far-fetched idea, I know, but a thought I often entertain, there would be no problem with the two of us being best friends. That would be a stretch, because let's face it, I'm not friends with anyone, nor do I want to be. (Er, Remus excluded). Remus didn't seem to have a best friend, either. He was good pals with his roommates, sure, but he wasn't as close to them as say…. James and Sirius are with each other. That leaves Peter Pettigrew, and Remus seemed too detached from even him to be his best friends. There was no denying their closeness, though. Remus voiced once that he preferred solitude. It was a preference of mine as well, so hearing him say that was in a way comforting. Well, it was to me. In a way, we could be alone… together. But that thought was too frightening… it was all frightening and exciting and comforting all at once.
Yes, Remus made my heart skip a beat once or twice, but he was by no means the most attractive boy at Hogwarts. He wasn't the ugliest, either. When he wasn't spending his time looking ill and lonely and perhaps a bit weary, he was actually good-looking. One might even say that he was attractive. I've never heard anyone say it, but that's not to say that no one has never thought of it before. Come to think about it, I do think that someone else has a little crush (or not so little) on Remus, but to think of it was miserable and I won't even mention his name although I see his (yes, his) smug little face in my mind being all…. smug. In all, there has to be a reason I find the shy boy attractive. Maybe it was his personality. Maybe it was his interests. Maybe it was because he was the only person in the world who seemed to really care about me or give me any kind of positive attention. Maybe it was because I thought here was a possibility he might feel the same way as I. It was so hard to tell, though.
But then, Remus did smile at me in the hall today. The only thing that made this day tolerable, not excellent, but tolerable, was the smile he sent me as we passed each other in the hall. That was the only thing. Otherwise, this day would have been as miserable as any other. You see, it seems that I am a very complex person who needs to be impressed by great, near impossible things; when really it only takes a genuine smile to do it. Of course, I can't have anyone knowing this. Remus, maybe. What would he think if I told him that? What if I told him that no matter how infuriated I am, I can be calmed by him even just for a moment. For that moment, we are the center of each other's attention. For a moment, I even think of smiling myself. I almost do. Isn't that amazing?
What is it that he is expecting of me when he smiles, though? I'm not quite sure. I don't know if he just wants to see me smile or if he's just acknowledging me or if he wants me to know that he's thinking of me (if only for that moment)? Although he's shy, he isn't that afraid to show his smile in public because he's so friendly. So much more friendly than I've ever been or ever will be, I'm afraid. I never understood the reasoning behind smiling at someone you barely know or one of your classmates just because you want to show that you're friendly even if you'd rather not have anything to do with them. The smile in this case is just a mask. Is his smile just a mask? I can't tell with him. I can't tell if he wants to be in their company or if he'd rather be alone. I imagine, from what he's told me, that he'd rather be alone. He seems that type. Whatever that type may be.
I don't want to make assumptions about him. I don't know him very well. Or, at least, I should say that I don't know him as well as I'd like to. That's a great statement to be putting out there right now. I have never admitted to myself wanting to get to know anyone better. I mean, there's my family, but I know just about all that I want to know about them. There are certain people in this school that are interesting and have personalities, but when I'm not drawing ridiculous attention to myself they don't know that I exist. If they do know that I exist, then I'm just that strange boy over in the corner, there. The one who finds socializing beyond awkward. The one who pours over that book like there's no tomorrow. The one who they call Snivellus or whatever foul name they can imagine. They don't do a very good job with any other names. As it turns out, Snivellus is the most imaginative they could come up with and therefore it has stuck around as long as it has. It was infuriating at first, I have to admit, but after awhile it just became a name and it's kind of funny if your really think about it. James was right on when he first started calling me that. He is a bright boy. If things were different, I think he might even be fun to be friends with. But, I only bring this situation up because for some reason I trust Remus' judgement. He wouldn't be friends with such a complete arse, would he?
Scratch that, he would.