Eventually, it was what he didn't do that gave him away.
If she hadn't noticed, perhaps she would have gone mad with wondering, with the constant uncertainty that seemed to surround his intentions toward her. If he even had any intentions towards her.
And that was the worst part of it, for one moment he would smile and talk gently just to her and the next he seemed distracted and hastily made an exit. A constant back and forth that pulled her own feelings right along, stretching and straining them past their elasticity.
He didn't notice, unlike everything else. Give him a problem and he could solve it, see the threads of connection between abstract ideas and concrete consequences. But he didn't see this, blatantly obvious to even her eyes.
He didn't react, like he did with others. When she was obviously hurt he tried to sidestep her feelings when he went out of his way to comfort others. When she needed an opinion he gave noncommital replies, and to everyone else he focused every once of that mental capacity of his on their problem.
He started to avoid her, and only her. Her presence, her gaze, when none other seemed to have the same affect. She would look up, only to have him look away, she would come near, only to have him distance himself. For a man so used to seeking friendship in others, he didn't want hers.
He never touched her, those casual things borne from the subconscious. A palm on the small of her back, or perhaps a hand on her shoulder. Utterly insignificant things to most, but a feeling of isolation for herself. Even a handshake never passed between them, he would smile in that sad way of his and move on to the next person fo greet.
Frustrated, she played these scenes over and over in her mind, unable to let go nor understand his reasoning, if any. It was a difficult time for her, not knowing and still wanting.
It wasn't until she noticed that she was singled out, a chance occurrence that could have went by never seen. He had been talking to her cousin, on one of those dreary English spring days where it never stopped raining, and the colors of the world seemed to melt together like paint on a canvas.
Their voices had been low, weary undertones and sad inflections. She shouldn't have heard them, or at least stopped when she realized it was a private conversation. But her being herself, she listened, eavesdropped, and found out something she was never meant to.
His voice was sad and weary, cautious and yet protective, while he told his only surviving friend that there was a reason for his behavior- perhaps not one that she thought relevant- but still a pressing matter in his own mind.
She frowned, unable to interrupt but desperately wanting to nonetheless while he laid his faults out in the open. He gave no mercy, he shed no light on his virtues, all in a systematic and cold way. He must have felt this way for a long time she realized, slumping against the wall, all the pieces coming together.
He wasn't good enough for her...
Even he took into account only the things he wasn't, not the things he was- not the things that truly mattered to her. Everything he couldn't do, everything he wanted but couldn't have. These were given precedence.
The admission he couldn't... finally gave him away. He was not a selfish man by any means, but this startled her. That in his own mind, he wasn't enough and accepted he couldn't give her what she deserved.
She was sad, then angry. What gave him the right to decide this for her?
He sounded, so dead. Like the life was taken from him, like his life had been lived but not, if that made any sense. Perhaps it did, like the waning and waxing moon that existed but didn't really have any permanence.
Her heart broke, a cliche to be sure, but the wrenching pain didn't subside as she learned that he loved her. Truly loved her, and wanted her well-being above all else.
It was supposed to be a happy moment, filled with smiles and kisses, and yet she sat in the cold dingy hallway of her cousin's house, tears threatening. A horrible irony that the one thing she wanted was the one thing that could crush her.
Because he couldn't, she couldn't...
And the days went by as before, she was unable to confront him about his words yet- picking her argument in her head for hours and hours. And he continued his defenses, not doing what he wanted and unintentionally reinforcing her own epiphanies.
And one day... he would do those things he held back from... she promised herself.
A short fic that came as a sudden inspiration. Would like to see some reviews!