Author Note: Even I work at Christmas. MERRY CHRISTMAS

Disclaimer: I don't own Graham Norton. Although he is a hell of lot more funny than I am.

Having stared at the strange red square James grew bored. After all you would be if you had been looking at the exact same spot for nearly three months. Since he is bored, James decides to explore the rest of the apartment building. There is nothing much to do with the square. With a quick tap dance James goes on his merry way.

At the top of the first set of stairs James is faced with his first obsticle. Should he go through the door or continue to climb the never ending stairs. For sake of convience James goes for the door option. The worst that could happen is he runs into a monster with one mighty huge knife.

Once he enters the hallway the first thing he sees is a Monster Trapped in Coat. Feeling rather tired from climbing the stairs; James chooses to avoid battle with the creature for a change. Amazing. He can skip like Graham Norton through the streets of South Vale and not even lose his breath, but climbing a set of stairs nearly kills him. James carefully walks around the monster and then suddenly runs down the hallway, entering the first room he comes across. Guess he was not as tired as one thought.

Unlike the rest of the apartment building this room has a light. To be exact a flashlight. A flashlight on a mannequin. A mannequin wearing Mary's clothes. James notices the mannquin. "Mary?" Asking a mannequin a question is stupid. Asking a lampost if it's seen a little girl is just being an imbecile. "Mary, wheres your head at?" Finally noticing the mannequin is in fact headless; James could not resist asking such a stupid question. In fact he is now on the floor laughing at that very question. It appears James is quite eccentric.

Wiping away tears of laughter James stands back up and pulls the flashlight off the mannequin. He then leaves the room. The first thing he notices is that the Monster Trapped in Coat is gone. The second thing he notices is that it has been replaced with a floor legged mannequin. For the sake of naming the monster he encounters; James decides this one shall be called Bob. For no reason other than he finds the name Bob funny.

He decides to leave the Bob be. After checking all the door and finding them broken or locked James decides it's time to climb those damn stairs. In no time he reaches the top and is happy to find no more stairs to climb. James goes through the door. Part of the hallway is blocked off by bar reaching from the floor to the ceiling. On the other side of the bars is a key.

Since the key is shining James decides it is a must have. Bending he reaches through the bars and tries to grab the key. He hears the key bounce off something and then a pain in his hand. "Ha ha." He looks up to see a little blonde girl running. "You snotty little brat." James shouts in anger. "Huh" The little girl stops and turns to look at him.

"Now that I have your undivided attention. You underestimated my Super Duper 2001 Matrix Style Plank-O-Wood 3000. Ha." James says as he pulls the wooden plank with nail out of his pants. It could have been his pocket of course. It is too dark to tell. "And next time I see you I'm going to beat the living shit out of you with it. Never steps on a mans hand." The little girl shrugs, taking no interest in James' threat, and continues down the hallways.

With a sigh James turns and heads down the hallway. The first door he comes to is apartment 302. With a smile James ponders if this room is cursed like the one at South Ashfield Heights.

Meanwhile....

South Ashfield Heights Room 302

"And er that is the tour of the er apartment." Frank says gloomly to the possible new tenant Henry Townshend. Henry nods his head. So far he is very impressed by the apartment. It's in a great location. He can watch the comings and goings of people. Best of all the rent is cheap. There has got to be a catch. "Any questions?" Frank finally asks after a long silence.

"Is there anything I should know about this apartment?" Franks thinks for a moment then nods his head. "There is a kid that comes every week and knocks on the door. Richard Braintree usually chases him away." Henry once again nods. He is a man of very few words. "Oh yes and it's also cursed." Frank says as an after thought. Henry's expression stays the same. "Oh and it is haunted by a guy called Joseph Screiber."

This time Henry's expression turns to excitement. "Oh I met him on a gay cruise just last week. He said he was kicked out of America for digging up a serial killers grave." Henry says flicking a limp wrist in the air. "You mean that bastard is still alive?" Frank asks rather since Joseph still owes him rent. Henry nods his back to be expressionless. "Next time you see that bastard tell him I want my rent money." Henry once again nods.

"Are you taking the apartment or not?" Frank asks. Henry scans the apartment. It would appear Henry is having doubt. "You also get this free picture." Franks says holding up a picture that has appeared out of nowhere. The picture has made up Henry's mind. "I'll take it." They shake hands and leave the apartment to sign papers.

"So Joseph is gay?"

"No. He was just writing an article about gay cruises."

"Ah."

Woodside Apartments, Apartment 307

Today has been a bad day for Pyramid Head. First he had to complete paperwork about the tortures of the day before. Paperwork is not Mr. Heads strong point. Then someone decided to polish his pyramid helmet which ended up glowing red. This led to the event of a girly scream from the blonde guy known as James. Pyramid Head had only wanted to show him his new great knife. The polished helmet ruined those chances. To cheer himself up Pyramid Head has decided to go play with the Mannequins. Known to James as Bobs.

As Pyramid Head and the Bobs start playing James enters the apartment. Afraid that the red pyramid thing will him, he hides in a nearby closet. From his view in the closet James mistakes Pyramid Head's game of Blend the Mannequins for something it is not. To be exact he mistakes it for porn. "Monster porn" James says with a quick giggle. Pyramid Head hears the giggle and notices that James.

With the intention of showing off his great knife, Pyramid Head walks over to the closet. James in a panic pulls out his recently acquired handgun and begins shooting at the thing coming towards him. With each bullet that hits there is a plea of "Please stop" and "I only want to be friends." Each plea is ignored by the loon in a closet. With a sob Pyramid Head leaves the room, feeling unwanted and unloved.

After reloading the gun and picking a key James finally comes out of the closet. James has decided it is time to leave this hell hole of an apartment. Outside the apartment he finds the keys the little brat had kicked away from him. He picks it up happy to have the shiny key. James' new mission is to find the brat and go through with that threat.

After wandering aimlessly, unblocking a rubbish shaft and picking up two coins James finds himself in apartment 101. Finding nothing unusual James decides now is the time for a bathroom break. James enters the bathroom and finds the fat guy from earlier vomiting into the toilet. That is not what he finds unusual though. The size of the guys builders arse is amazing. James stares at it wondering if he could drop a bowling ball down it.

"I didn't it. I....I swear. He was like that when I got here." The vomiting guy says. "Yeah. Good. Now carry on vomiting. I'm trying to concentrate." James says while holding a golf ball, aiming it for the guys butt crack. At such short notice he could only find a golf ball.

"I didn't do it." The guy once more tries to tell James who is still aiming with the golf ball. "Uhum. My name is James. James Sunderland." The guy starts vomiting in the toilet again. James drops the golf ball. It misses the butt crack and bounces on the floor. Cursing under his breath James looks for the golf ball.

"Eddie." The guy, now known as Eddie, says.

James finds the golf ball and picks it up. "You're not friends with that red pyramid thing, are you?" James asks while re-aiming the ball above the butt crack. Eddie once again vomits into the toilet. James waits for him to stop. Aiming the golf ball into the butt crack is hard when the butt is moving.

The butt stops moving. Once again James aims the golf ball at the butt crack. "No. Are you friends with that yellow cube thing?" Eddie asks, his tone of voice full of mockery. James drops the golf ball once moreand this time it goes straight into the crack. Eddie screams in anger. James shoots out the bathroom faster than the eye can see. Leaving behind a very angry Eddie to pull a golf ball out of his butt.

James finally stops running at the fire exit on the second floor. Taking out his shiny key, he unlocks the door.