Chapter Three
Year One
Kara scarcely remembered the first few weeks of Paya's absence after she and Lee managed to live through them.
After a month, they could say her name, but it broke their hearts to hear it spoken out loud. Slowly their sadness insinuated itself between them, and every moment between them became awkward and thick with sorrow. When they could no longer look at each other, Lee quietly moved his things back to pilot's quarters. He said goodbye when she was sleeping, pausing before he walked out the door to gaze sadly at her. He wanted more than anything to comfort her, to hold her again; but his grief was as great and blinding as hers.
After two months, they both returned to flying, and it helped them start to heal. They didn't know which ship she was on, but flying CAP made them feel closer to her. They were scheduled on opposite shifts, and both found other places to be during leave. Slowly, Kara stopped crying herself to sleep at night and Lee stopped endlessly punishing himself for how Paya had been injured. Soon they fell into a routine, maybe they were both working a little more than they should, maybe they should have eaten or slept more often, but they survived and held their emotions in check in the name of duty. On the off chance they did run into each other, or catch each other's eye, all of the pain would come rushing back. They would look at each other with sympathy and shame, then turn away until the next time fate threw them in the same place at the same time.
After three months, they were so adept at avoiding each other, often a week or more would go by without them even passing in the corridors.
After four months, the other pilots plotted and traded shifts until they managed to get the two of them flying CAP together. Silently, and once far enough away from visual range of Galactica, they began to dance in the sky. Their vipers twisted and swirled through the air together, sometimes so close that the slightest wiggle would have caused them to collide violently into the other. They continued in silence, finishing their flight with a slight waggle of wings. They remained silent as they landed and exited their crafts, then headed in opposite directions.
After six months, he found her sobbing uncontrollably in a causeway. He slid in next to her and wrapped his arms tightly around her, pulling her head onto his shoulder. She let herself cling to him and did nothing to try to control her tears. Soon he was crying with her, and they held each other until they couldn't weep any longer. "Lee?" she whispered.
He answered her with a kiss.
After twelve months, they finally allowed themselves to comfort each other with pleasure, instead of grief, and as they fell asleep, damp and naked, in each other's arms, they both smiled for the first time since she had been taken from their lives.
…………………………………………………………
Year Two
Dear Paya,
I miss you like crazy. We all miss you like crazy. It was Lee's idea to start this journal. You know he's better at touchy-feely stuff than I am. It feels like you've been gone forever and like you were here only yesterday all at the same time. I wish you were still here with us. We talk about you all the time, and not just Lee and I. I never realized how many friends you had onboard. Everyone from the Chief to the Commander has a story about you.
Love,
Kara
Dear Paya,
I saw Raisa today. I had some time, so I flew over to your old ship. She's good. She's still teaching – Lee and I have been over there a couple of times to talk about flying. Some of the students seem really interested in becoming pilots, we can use all the help we can get.
Commander Tigh finally admitted that he taught you to play triad. You were right, you know, he's not such an ogre after all. We were playing and he just blurted it out. Lee and I laughed so hard. It was nice, to remember you and laugh. I would give anything to have you here with us, I hope you are safe and happy.
Love,
Kara
Dear Paya,
I stole Kara's journal when she wasn't looking so I could write to you, too. I'm hiding my message in the back, and I swear I didn't read anything she wrote to you. She finally decided a silly piece of paper and a blessing was worth something in space, after all. We got married an hour ago. I want to shout it over the PA, but she swore she'd hurt me if I did. I wish you could have been there.
Miss you,
Lee
Dear Paya,
You would be very pleased to know that I married Lee today. It was a really small wedding. Your grandpa was there, and Helo. Lee thinks it's weird I don't want to tell everybody right away, but right now, it feels too special to share with anyone but family. We all missed you a lot today.
Love,
Kara
Dear Paya,
Dee and Billy had a baby. They asked us if it would be okay if they gave her Paya as a middle name. We told her we thought you would like that very much. She's a beautiful little girl, with lots of curly hair and a dimple in her cheek. We haven't seen or heard from the cylons in almost six months. Everyone seems to be taking a breath and relaxing a little. I doubt she will be the only baby on the ship for long. I miss you so much, sweetheart. I still pray for you every day.
Love,
Kara
TBC