I'LL BE HOME FOR CHIRSTMAS
Merry Christmas, Annjirika!
It was a beautiful Christmas; the most beautiful that Traverse Town had seen in some time. A gentle snow was falling onto the town of brick and cement, turning everything a dusty white. The sky was as bleak and black, with stars twinkling happily in the endless velvet sky.
Yuffie stood outside the shoe store, her arms folded across her chest, staring at the snow as it fell all around her. It was light and feathery, the perfect kind to play in, the kind that would stick and cover everything in a thick blanket by morning. A snowflake landed on the tip of her nose; she giggled softly as it melted and dripped off.
She used to love to play in the snow on nights like this, perfect nights when the streets were empty and she was bundled up in her jacket, overcoat, boots, and the matching bright orange scarf that Aerith had knitted for her the year before. She used to chuck thick balls of it at the boys, and watch as Leon huffed at her, calling her childish, Cloud laughed and blew her off, and Riku chucked one right back at her. He always had perfect aim.
This year, though, she was more intent on watching it fall. Time seemed to stand still during the snowfall; it seemed to be beautiful and perfect forever. No one was out tonight, seeing as they were all curled up next to each other, perhaps opening an early present, or tucking their children into bed, telling them that Santa Claus would be there soon to work his magic.
The others; Aerith, Leon, Riku, Sora, and Cloud, were back at the house, drinking eggnog and getting cozy by the small fireplace. Yes, no doubt they were having a lovely Christmas Eve. Meanwhile Yuffie was driving herself crazy thinking thoughts that were better left alone. But she couldn't; it was almost Christmas, and he wasn't here.
Most of the time lately, she had pushed him to the dark corners of her mind where she wouldn't have to think of him. She didn't expect him to come back, and it was stupid to keep her hopes up. None of the group ever mentioned him; they knew that the very sound of his name was enough to get a shuriken in the face, courtesy of Yuffie. Or perhaps they didn't mention him because they knew her heart shattered a little more every time she thought of him.
It was by coincidence that they had met. He had stumbled into Traverse Town on accident, on his way to another world to see his family. It was late November, when it had just began to get really cold. Yuffie didn't like the cold, seeing as she preferred to kick some Heartless ass in her tiny shorts and tank top only, thank you very much.
She was sitting on top of the railing, watching Cloud and Leon boredly as they polished their blades. Riku was back at the house doing who-knows-what with Sora, probably looking at porn and giggling like idiots, and Aerith was probably off doing some disgustingly motherly thing that Yuffie would no doubt hate. She was swinging her legs back and forth, her heels making dull thumps against the brick railing, causing Leon to look up and glare at her from time to time. No one was in the First District; it was a Sunday, so most of the shops were closed, and even the café was slow at business.
Just when she was about to doze off of absolute boredom, the District doors swung open and an awkward looking figure stumbled into Traverse Town.
At first, Yuffie thought it to be a gangly young girl, wearing tight jeans, the annoying kind that clung to your ankles, and a tight, long sleeved black shirt. She had beautiful luminous white-blond hair that fell to just past her chin, flopping over one eye. She pushed it away hurriedly and quickly walked up to Leon and Cloud, who were staring at her stupidly.
On further inspection, the visitor was not a girl at all. It was a boy, however, he would have made a very pretty girl. Seeing him up close, with his thin and tall yet somehow slightly handsome body, and sharp, very strong features made it obvious that he was not a girl, but a young man, probably no older than seventeen.
"Is this Traeda?" He asked, his voice polite and laced with worry.
Yuffie hopped off the railing and went to stand beside Cloud and Leon to study this new boy further. Leon stared at him with a judgmental look, leaving Cloud to stumble over his words to direct this oblivious boy to Traeda.
Cloud shook his head, the forbidden spike falling across his forehead, despite his ten-minute battle with it that morning, armed with hairspray and gel. "This is Traverse Town, but Traeda is about two worlds away." He told him, giving a slightly reassuring half-smile.
The boy put a hand to his forehead, studying the rest of the District with only slight interest. "Fuck. Alright, I'm sorry. I'm trying to get to my sister's house, that's where my family is meeting for Christmas, and I've never been there. Sorry to cause you trouble." He said tiredly, and waving at the three as if he wasn't one to stay and chat.
There was something about this character that Yuffie liked, but she couldn't figure out what it was. Maybe it was the way the F word flowed carelessly from his lips, breathy and yet perfectly audible like he said it constantly to perfect strangers. Maybe it was because he looked different then everybody else, more beautiful and graceful and yet distinctly strong, like a ninja. Maybe it was because Yuffie was stuck in a world with a bunch of gorgeous guys that thought she was an idiot, and frankly, she wanted someone for herself.
Of course, being Yuffie and not some mushy-brained bimbo, she pushed this thought away as quickly as it had entered her mind, but she did open her mouth and blurt to the boy, "You look tired. You wanna get some hot chocolate or somethin' at the café? It's on me." She grinned lopsidedly and pointed her thumb to the café.
The boy looked at her carelessly and paused for a moment, as if he really had no interest in doing that, but didn't want to seem rude. "Well, I really should just go, it'll be dark in a couple of hours there and-"
Yuffie laughed. "Don't be silly, kid. It'll only take half an hour to take a good rest and have some hot chocolate." She winked at him. "Come on, I don't bite."
Yuffie could see Leon and Cloud exchanging knowing looks and smirks out of the corner of her eye, but she pretended not to notice. The boy looked at her cautiously and mumbled out of the corner of his mouth, "Well, alright, but I have to be going in thirty minutes."
Yuffie grinned triumphantly. "Score!" She grabbed the boy by the wrist and stuck her tongue out at Cloud and Leon. "Well, I'm off to take my new friend to the café, so I'll just let you losers sit here and be bored. Ta ta!"
She pulled the boy to the café and nearly slung him down at the bar. The bartender asked for their orders, and she ordered him a hot chocolate and one for herself, too. The boy glanced at her fleetingly, looking slightly intimidated by her forwardness, something that she was completely used to with guys.
"So what's your name?" He asked, stirring the tip of his finger through the hot chocolate.
"I'm the Great Ninja Yuffie Kisaragi!" She said, pausing for effect. "And you?"
"My name is Mae. I'm from Kilika. Sorry to bother you all, I just wasn't really sure where exactly I was going." He said carefully, lifting the steaming liquid to his lips and taking a sip.
Yuffie laughed. "No really, it's fine. I was about to die of boredom anyway. Ass Belts and Spikes aren't much fun nowadays." She smiled. "You're hot."
It wasn't something she'd meant to say, but she was Yuffie, and she was blunt, and most of the time her mouth ran about ten times as fast as her brain did, which was why she was in trouble half the time. Mae just took another sip of his hot chocolate and raised his eyebrow. Setting down the glass, he muttered, "Damn, you're quick at it."
His reaction had just intrigued Yuffie more. Whenever she had first told Leon that she thought he was hot, he'd laughed uncomfortably and told her never to bring that up again. She never told Cloud she thought he was hot, but she'd made numerous innuendos. Riku had said, "Freakin' score!" and then galloped off happily to share the news with the rest of the world.
But Mae just made that short little comment and leaned his elbows on the counter, the tiniest hint of a smirk in the corner of his mouth. "I am quick at it. I just figure if I don't tell you now, you'll never know now, will you?" Yuffie said enthusiastically.
They talked for about an hour and a half, just meaningless chatter about themselves and their likes and dislikes. Mae told her that he was in fact training to be a ninja, and she told him, blushing, that she could tell by the way he moved. He told her about the dysfunctional family he was going to go visit, and she told him about her family that she couldn't remember since she was abandoned in Traverse Town at three.
Soon the sun was going down on Traverse Town, and Mae jumped when he realized how late it had gotten. "Fuck! I didn't realize how late it had gotten. It'll be at least dark by the time I get there…"
Yuffie's smile left her. She had almost forgotten that this boy was going to have to leave her, and chances were that she would never see him again. He was interesting, funny, and said "fuck" like he invented it. He was nothing like the boys she was used to, and she didn't want to see him go so soon.
"If it will be too late, there's a hotel in the second district. I could get you in for 40 munnies a night, I know the owner." She said with a carefree wink, although really she hoped he would comply.
Mae shrugged himself off his chair and gave a thoughtful glance towards the doors to the Second District. "I'd really like too, but I'm afraid my family will worry…" He finished his sentence with a trademark smirk.
Yuffie stuck out her tongue at him. "I have a feeling you don't really care what your family thinks, you just don't wanna seem rude." She said, getting tipsy on her second mug of eggnog.
Mae laughed. "Uh, no, they know I'm fucking rude, alright. It just makes me feel bad, not coming home for Christmas, even though it's not really my home." He reasoned.
Yuffie frowned. "Well I vote you stay tonight. I like you." She put her hands on her hips. "And my cuteness alone should convince you to stay."
Mae giggled. "Damn straight it should." He sighed. "Alright, Great Ninja Yuffie, you fucking win. You have convinced me to stay the night in this annoyingly comforting little world." He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at her. "Well, you gonna show me where this little hotel is or not? I don't have all fucking night."
Yuffie smirked at him and took his wrist, skipping to the hotel. Mae laughed and weezed behind her, trying to catch up without looking like an idiot by skipping with her. A grin spread across her face as she realized that he was already liking her. She didn't want him to go in the morning, but perhaps she could give him her number?
She dished out 40 munnies on the counter at the hotel, where the owner, Marty, was asleep, his head lolling on his shoulder, a thin line of spittle running down his chin. She jabbed her thumb in his direction, frowned at Mae, who had an eyebrow raised in disapproval, and explained, "He's a little lazy on the job. We don't get too many visitors."
Mae laughed softly. "Really? Lucky for me then."
Yuffie led him to the Red Room, the room that had always been her favorite whenever she was tired of the small house and wanted to get away. Mae bit his lip and nodded in approval as he entered the room. "Fuck, this place is nice."
Yuffie looked at him, the way his paleness complemented the deep red of the room, the way he was so tall standing next to her. He even had a slight scent about him, something between smoke and fruity candy. She turned her body towards him and said, "Alright, well, goodnight then, I'll see you in the morning."
Mae grinned at her, displaying two rows of perfect little teeth. "Who said I wanted you to go just yet?"
By the end of the night, Yuffie had fallen asleep on the middle of the velvet bed in the Red Room. She and Mae had talked well into the night, joking around and laughing at each other as if they had known each other forever. At around four in the morning, they had both gotten so drowsy that Yuffie curled up and easily fell asleep, leaving Mae to rest his head on his hand and fitfully sleep in the chair by the window.
The sun was up and blindingly streaked through the window across Yuffie's eyes and Mae's forehead. She cracked open one eye and then the other, studying her surroundings, having forgotten where she was.
She looked around in the Red Room, the events of the night before flooding her mind. Her eyes came to rest upon the sleeping body of Mae, his long, slender body scrunched up in the chair in the most awkward position imaginable while she was sprawled on the bed.
She smirked at the boy and leapt off the bed, shaking his shoulder. "Hey kiddo!"
Mae's eyes fluttered open. For a moment he appeared confused, then realizing who she was, a sleepy grin crossed his face. "Well good fucking morning to you too, I hope you slept well on my nice comfortable bed." He said sarcastically, his voice thick with sleep.
Yuffie swished around her short crop of hair. "O' course I did! How about you?" Secretly, she felt sort of bad for letting the poor boy sleep on the uncomfortable chair on his first night in Traverse, but she pushed this thought away.
Mae nodded and ran a hand though his only slightly tousled hair. "Oh, aside from the aching pain in my ass, back, and three of four of my limbs, I'm peachy!" He exclaimed, leaning back in his chair and stretching.
His face suddenly fell and he was left with a blank, slightly down expression. "Well you know, my mom, she's a real fuckin' firecracker, she'll be worried sick if I don't get to Traeda within the next hour or so." Mae said, flattening his hand on his stomach.
Yuffie stayed on the floor in front of him, sitting on her legs. She didn't want the boy to go, she liked him too much. He was too much like her, and he was too cute to pass up. She was stubborn, and if it wouldn't make her look desperate, she would talk him into staying. But the fact was, Mae had a life, a life that would never include the skinny-ass little ninja Yuffie Kisaragi.
"Alright, I'll walk you to the World Exit, then." Yuffie said happily, not wanting to sound upset or let him realize it made a difference to her whether he left or not. They left the hotel and she walked beside him, with him swinging his small suitcase at his side and her humming something she made up as she went. There was obviously something unsaid between the two almost-strangers, but Yuffie refused to let it be said.
They stopped in front of the doors. And he looked at her, tilted his head, and smiled. "It was nice to meet you, Great Ninja Yuffie." He said politely.
Yuffie tucked her hands into the shallow pockets of her newly broken-out-of-the-back-of-the-closet jeans, and smiled. "Yeah, um, it was nice to meet you too, Mae." She sounded so stupid, so awkward, that she just wanted to smack herself. Dammit, Yuffie did not stutter for a boy!
Mae smiled again, a fleeting, uncomfortable smile, and moved to the Exit Door. Yuffie's mind raced, and she wondered whether she had gone retarded or was just majorly and stupidly in like.
She grabbed Mae's arm, twisted him around, and kissed him, right on the cheek, so close to his mouth that her lips partially ended up in the corner of it. She stepped back. "I, uh…hope you come back and visit sometime." She stumbled, feeling her cheeks blush.
However deep red Yuffie's cheeks were, Mae's were guaranteed to be two shades redder. He gave a ridiculous grin and mumbled, "You know, I might just do that."
It had been nearly a year since they had met. And so much had changed since then. In fact, hardly anything was like it was then. That winter, everything had been just so perfect. Yuffie had truly never been happier. She had met someone that not only understood her, but would care for her, listen to her when she was sad, not make her feel stupid when she was crying, and stop whenever she was ready to stop.
We. It was a word Yuffie had never used before Mae, but suddenly had to start using all the time. She was no longer one person. It was Mae and Yuffie, Yuffie and Mae. They were in love. It was perfect.
But Yuffie stood alone, one year later, Christmas Eve.
A tear threatened to fall from the corner of her eye, and she struggled to keep a sob in her throat. The snow was falling thicker, heavier now. She could barely feel her hands, even through the heavy wool of Aerith's gloves. Her legs and arms were shivering, but she made no attempt to go home.
Her eyes drifted skyward. Home. Home is where you are with those you love. She imagined her friends, gathered around the fire, too happy with the spirit of the holidays to worry about her whereabouts. Was that her home? Was that where she belonged? Something was missing, in her home, in her heart.
Mae's mother fell through the World Exit, stumbling into Traverse Town, her face streaked with black mascara.
Yuffie had met her once, at his 19th birthday party in Kilika. She looked almost just like him. She was beautiful, with the same lusterous blond hair and fair skin. Seeing her stumble into her eyesight was something new.
It had been a week since Mae had left back home for Kilika after staying in Traverse for a month. Yuffie was used to not getting much word from him while he was at his home, since it was hard to communicate from world to world. But the second she stopped chunking her shurikens at Squall for being a jackass and saw Mae's mother, something was obviously wrong.
"Is there something wrong, Miss?" Squall asked, raising an eyebrow at Mae's mother.
Yuffie felt a familiar lump in the back of her throat, the same lump that she found there whenever she was worried more than she was comfortable with being. "Miss Vega, are you alright?" Yuffie asked hoarsely, calling his mother by what she vaguely remembered as her first name, and walked quickly to her side.
The woman was a wreck, clutching Yuffie's arm as she sobbed and sobbed. Yuffie had never been good at comforting people, so she just pulled the woman to her and let her cry. She asked again, before not knowing killed her, "Please, tell me what's wrong. Is it Mae?"
Vega pulled away to look Yuffie in the eye. Her own were watery and makeup streaked, and her lip was trembling. "I just got word that…he never made it to Kilika."
Yuffie felt her eyebrows raise, wondering if her ears had deceived her. Miss Vega dissolved into tears again, and the hard truth of reality sank in. The lump in her throat felt like a stone. This couldn't' be. "Oh god. Oh god. Oh god." She whispered, stepping away from Miss Vega, her hands clamping across her stomach.
She heard Squall curse from behind her, and rush to her side. But Yuffie was somewhere else. What was that supposed to mean, "Never made it to Kilika"? As in, he was dead? As in, he got lost somehow? As in, he ran away from them? She didn't know what to think.
"So he's…" She murmured, her eyes gazing off into the late afternoon sky. Where was Mae? Somewhere out there? Alive, dead? She didn't understand, didn't want to understand, not now, not ever.
Miss Vega sobbed, dabbed at her eyes with the silky material of her dress, and nodded. "Presumably dead." Her voice broke, and she leaned sideways, threatening to just fall over.
Yuffie felt like she was going to vomit. This couldn't be right, this couldn't be…he had to be lost somewhere! He was terrible with directions as it was, perhaps he lost his way! Or…or something. He couldn't be dead. Sure, tons of Gummi ships ran out of fuel and the passengers died, or a Gummi ship would be shot down, but it wasn't very common with simple Gummi ships, it mostly happened to people who were involved with crime or villains, and Mae was always very careful about checking his fuel.
He could not be dead. She could not accept that.
"He is not. He must be lost somewhere, or maybe landed on the wrong planet and ran out of fuel there, or-" Yuffie rambled, feeling hot tears beading in her eyes.
Miss Vega shook her head and cried. "I've sent out family members and family friends to search for him in every world I can think of, and no one seems to know where he's gone. The only thing I have left to believe is that he was shot down." She shook her head again. "I don't know what to do…go home and wait and see if they find his ship?"
Yuffie bit her lip, letting the tears fall. She felt Squall edge closer, and mumble, "Hey, it's alright." He had only seen her cry once before, when Squall had been knocked out while fighting Heartless, years ago, and she had thought he was dead. After that, she had been careful never to let him see her tears, because when he had regained consciousness, in anger at himself, he had screamed at her.
She moved away from his comfort and shook her head furiously, annoying bangs flopping into her eyes that were for once welcome there, hiding her tears. "He can't be…" She whispered to herself, voice getting lost in the wind. "I'm sorry, Miss Vega, but I just…I can't handle this." She said, running off, letting her feet carry her as far from this nightmare as possible, as far from Squall who didn't know what to say and Miss Vega who was falling apart without her son and all the memories of her past locked in the stupid world as she could.
Yuffie sat on top of the toilet, her head in her hands. Her face was dry, but red. She wiggled her toes in her socks and pushed back her headband, keeping stray hairs out of her eyes.
There was a soft, delicate knock at the bathroom door. Aerith, Yuffie knew, to come and bother her, ask her what was wrong in a supposedly comforting voice, rub her back, and talk soothingly and assure her that everything was going to be alright. But it wasn't, and she knew that. No amount of Aerith treatment was going to change this.
She just wanted to be left alone.
But, persistently, there was another knock. "Yuffie, are you still in there?" came the feminine voice of Aerith.
Yuffie put her hand over her mouth and groaned. "Yeah, I'm in here, just give me a sec." She said into her hand, although she was sure Aerith heard. She didn't want to sound as annoyed as she really was.
"Can I come in?" Aerith pleaded, leaning against the door.
Yuffie rolled her eyes. Things could not possibly get any worse. She was in the most terrible situation possible, Mae had been presumably dead for three months, she was in the saddest state she'd ever been in, and she couldn't get the one girl who annoyed the hell out of her off her back. "I'd like to be alone, if you don't mind." Yuffie said, her voice straining on the edge of pissy.
Aerith sighed. "Yuffie, I know something is wrong, so don't try to push me away. I want to help you." She explained. Yuffie mocked her into her palms. "Please, Yuffie, come to the door."
Yuffie moaned and hopped off the toilet seat. She took a glance at herself in the mirror, noticing that she appeared to have been hit by a considerably large truck. Tucking her messy crop of hair behind her ears, she opened the door.
Aerith was standing there looking pretty in pink as usual, and her mouth formed a perfect "O" at the sight of her normally composed comrade. "Yuffie, my god!"
Yuffie strolled into the bedroom and plopped down on the bed, not caring what Aerith thought or what lengths she was going to go to in order to find out why Yuffie was doing so badly.
Aerith sat beside her and ran a hand through Yuffie's hair. "Honey, what's going on with you? Is it Mae?" she asked, her voice caring and kind, the last thing Yuffie wanted to hear.
"It's a lot of damn things, but he's definitely one of them." Yuffie said in monotone, hiding her face in the silky blankets that smelled like Riku.
Aerith leaned down to hug Yuffie. She tried to pull away, but figured it might be better if she just let Aerith be there for her for once, even if she wasn't wanted. "Please, tell me, Yuffie. I only want to be here for you. Help me understand."
Yuffie exhaled, giving in, and whispered, "Why don't you go look for yourself in the trashcan?"
She looked up to find a shocked look on Aerith's face, her hand fluttering to cover her mouth. She ran into the bathroom, and several seconds later, Yuffie heard her gasp, "Jesus, Yuffie."
Aerith emerged from the bathroom holding the small stick in her hand like it was a bomb. "Jesus, Yuffie."
The shop door behind Yuffie cracked open and Mrs. Black, the woman who owned the shoe store, poked her head out. She was a kind old woman, probably sixty or so, and was always bringing sweets over to their house on holidays.
"Yuffie darling, why don't you go home and get warm?" She asked softly, her voice barely heard through all of the snow.
Yuffie turned back and smiled at her, but shook her head, lost in thoughts. "Thanks Mrs. Black, but I'd rather stay out here." She said softly, so that she wasn't sure if Mrs. Black had even heard.
But Mrs. Black winked at her and began to go back inside, into her warm shop, with her husband, children and grandchildren, where they lived in the small apartment at the back. Another perfectly happy family, having a perfectly happy Christmas Eve.
Yuffie could easily go back home and have that, or something similar to it. She could forget that it was almost Christmas and Mae was dead, and still attempt to have a nice Christmas with her friends. But she didn't want that. She didn't want to be happy if it was false happiness. She didn't want to forget. She didn't care if it was morbid, she wanted to mourn him forever if she had to.
So she stayed there, in front of the shoe store, still alone. It wasn't an aching loneliness that she felt. She wasn't lonely. She felt simply empty, and there was no other way to put it. She felt as if she was missing a piece of her that could not be easily replaced.
Her eyes turned to the sky once again, the inky black velvet with stars winking back at her. The snow seemed to come out of nowhere, so beautiful and soft, and everything was so quiet that Yuffie felt as if she were the only human so alive.
Perhaps, in that moment, she was.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Yuffie?" Riku asked her softly, placing his hand gently on her upper leg.
She shook her head, not sure if she was shaking it yes or no, or what her answer was to the question. It had been two and a half months. She was starting to realize that there was a living and thriving piece of meat inside her. She had to get it out before it killed her.
She had asked Riku to come along because he was her best guy friend and she didn't want Aerith to be there. She loved Aerith, but Aerith would be constantly trying to comfort her, even when she wasn't upset, and it would only worsen things.
Riku just sat there beside her in the waiting room, and patted her leg every once in a while, checked to see if she was alright every few minutes. He was uncomfortable and scared for her, that was for sure, but he wasn't going to say that to her.
She sat there in sweats and her tank top, with a hat pulled down low over her forehead so that no one could see the red veins in her eyes or the pallor of her cheeks. She had become an absolute train wreck carrying that child, and she knew that as the pregnancy went along it would only get worse. And there was no use in waiting for him, when it was obvious that there was no hope.
The waiting room was cold and smelled strongly of rubbing alcohol and medicine. Yuffie scrunched herself up on her chair with her arms around her legs. She waited and watched as different women got up out of their chairs looking worried or crying already, and went into the back room as their names were called.
This, of course, was illegal in Traverse Town. They were going to a secret underground doctor who could do an abortion for little munny. Yuffie was nervous that he wouldn't know what he was doing, but a woman sitting next to her, who couldn't be older than twenty, leaned over when she had first come in and whispered, "You've come to the right place, sweetie. I've had it done twice already, you'll be fine."
Yuffie didn't want to be fine. She somehow wished that something would go wrong with the procedure and she would be killed. She didn't want to live knowing that she had killed her only reminder of Mae, but if she had given birth to that reminder, how could she live with it? Looking into it's eyes and seeing only him? She couldn't decide which was worse.
From the very beginning of the pregnancy, she had no maternal instincts. She felt detached from her body. She didn't have any attatchment to the life inside of her. It was a piece of him. A piece of what she was missing, what could never come back.
She didn't want it to live.
Yuffie had made the appointment on her own, without telling any of the others. Eventually, she had to tell Riku, because she wanted him to be there until she had to go in and face it alone. If Mae couldn't hold her hand, then Riku would.
The nurse came through the door and looked down at her clipboard. "Yuffie Kisaragi?" She called out. Yuffie felt her whole body tense. She was more afraid of not knowing what to expect than killing her only child. She glanced at Riku, a fleeting glance, but Riku had seen it in her eyes; she was terrified.
Riku didn't know what to do or say. She had to go in, she had already paid to have the procedure done, but he didn't want to see her like this, usually so strong and carefree, and now as fragile as glass. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pressing his face into her neck, and whispered, "I'll be right here when you get out. It's going to be alright."
Yuffie pulled away from his embrace abruptly. Her eyes were glazed, but no tears fell. Her lips did not tremble, her hands did not shake. She stood up, looked Riku in the eye, then turned away and went through the gray metal door. It made a hollow sound as it closed behind her.
It was over in less than an hour. She was lying on a filthy cot in the back of the supposed "hospital". She felt dirty and disgusting. There was sweat drenching her face and thighs underneath the white sheet that covered her..
Yuffie felt sort of numb, but there was a dull throbbing in the lower half of her torso. She felt as if she her insides had been scraped out of her. She felt like a husk of the girl she had once been, now lying empty and helpless on a cot.
She heard Dr. Wolfe approach her. "You did well, Yuffie. Riku is here to see you. I'll let you leave whenever you feel ready." He said with a smile. He had been a kind man, and had made her feel as comfortable as possible, but she couldn't help feeling like he was responsible for her feeling like an empty paper sack.
Dr. Wolfe left and Riku came in, looking worried sick. He was twisting his hands in front of him and his eyes were darting all over her weak form. He rushed to her side, muttering, "God. Oh god. Are you alright? How do you feel?"
Yuffie would have mocked his sudden motherly tone if her through didn't feel so parched and dry. She did her best to smile up at him, but it must not have been very reassuring. "I knew we shoudn't have done this. He's probably some shady doctor that did it all wrong and you're gonna have every type of infection imaginable and-"
"I'm going to be alright, Riku." Yuffie said sharply, making her best attempt at the classic Yuffie Lopsided Grin. She began to sit up, and upon realizing that she was completely naked under the sheet, clutched it to her chest. She knew that she couldn't get too hung up on what had just happened or the rest of the gang would start to worry. Even with the recent chain of events, she had still managed to act somewhat herself, she didn't want anyone to worry too much.
Riku immediately regained his composure from his unexpected outburst, studying her without wanting her to notice, obviously not buying anything she had just told him. "Are you sure?" He asked her, his normally masculine and sarcastic voice now laced with concern and sadness for a friend.
Yuffie didn't want to think about the fetus that Dr. Wolfe had torn from her womb and then flushed down the toilet less than an hour before. It was the last little bit of the love she had once thought would be with her always, but slipped so easily from her grasp, before she had even realized how much she cherished it.
She refused to let the regret of murdering the child get to her. She couldn't. Among the other things she was going through, she couldn't let herself dwell on it. Surely she would have killed herself if she had kept it and been alone in raising it.
And now she couldn't explain why she felt so empty. She had wanted to get rid of it, hadn't she? She didn't want to deal with the hurt and heartache of seeing a little Mae grow up, knowing that she never got to say goodbye, never tell him how much she loved him.
But it was too late to take it back.
There was the soft crunching of footfall in the snow. Yuffie turned her head to see Riku coming towards her, not smiling, a crimson scarf around his neck, looking odd and out of place in the dark snowfall.
He stopped inches from her, and for a moment, they simply studied each other, passing a thousand secrets through the looks in their glittering eyes. Then Riku opened his mouth and asked, softly, "What are you doing out here? It's cold, and we've been waiting for you."
Yuffie shrugged her shoulder. "Just thinking, I guess." She muttered, looking away from him. She crossed her hands over her chest, suddenly all too aware of the frosty weather.
Riku didn't say anything for a moment. He didn't know what to say to her. He knew she was thinking of him. It pained Riku to see her still dwelling on it, refusing to ever let go, to ever forget. He could not replace Mae, and he didn't want to, but he didn't want her to hurt for him any longer.
"Thinking about Mae?" He inquired as if it were nothing, trying to figure out why she was staring so intently at the night sky. The falling snow stung in his eyes, and he looked away.
Yuffie made a face as if she didn't care to hear his name aloud. She shrugged her shoulders again, a feeble attempt at trying to make him give up. Riku loved her, that much was the truth, and he did his best to satisfy her, but he could not be Mae.
Riku bit his lip, wondering if it would be better just to go back inside, and let her have her moment to herself. "I love you, you know." Riku said quietly, almost with sadness laced in his tone.
Yuffie didn't know what to say. She did love Riku, she just…didn't love him like he wanted her too. Their kisses were sweet but had no substance, no passion. When he touched her, she saw Mae, felt Mae. She lived and breathed Mae. She kept this from Riku, but she had the feeling he knew. She opened her mouth to reply, but he held up a gloved hand.
"I don't want you to say it if you don't mean it." He eyed her nervously, not knowing what to expect.
Yuffie said nothing.
Riku heaved a sigh and took another glance at the thin, pretty girl that he had grown to fall in love with. He realized that she could not love him back, not now or ever. She would not learn to love anyone else as long as there was the small fire of hope burning in her soul.
"I'm going back home, Yuffie. Are you coming or not?" Riku said, frustrated. Half of him wanted to just cry, the other half wanted to start screaming at her. After all he had done! And this was how she repaid him? Denying his love?
Yuffie realized that she had hurt him, but she didn't want to lie to him. Leading him on with false affection would be far worse than hurting him by keeping silent. She tore her eyes away from the infinite night sky and looked at him apologetically, a small smirk gracing her lips. "I'm coming."
She skipped forward and laced her hand through his, leaving a small smile in the corner of Riku's mouth as they walked together, back to the house where their friends were waiting, back home.
Three hours, two and a half glasses of eggnog, a handful of presents, and two Christmas cookies later, Yuffie lay on the floor in front of the small fireplace, toying with the necklace Riku had gotten her around her neck.
The others were either asleep or passed out. Riku was on one side of the couch with Sora on the other, a small fleece blanket stretched between them as if they were fighting for it in their sleep. Aerith and Cloud were curled up on the floor near Yuffie, Aerith's head on Cloud's shoulder. Squall was passed out on the chair, his head lolling on his shoulder like a toddler's.
Everything had been close to perfect on their Christmas Eve. Yuffie received a new scarf from Aerith, a box of chocolates from Cloud, a new shuriken from Squall, and a thong from Sora. (When she had opened it and gave him a glare, he had replied with, "A guy can dream, right?")
Everyone had fun and drank and ate and was merry, even Yuffie, when she wasn't thinking about what was missing. Now it was almost silent, but for the Christmas cd that Aerith had put in playing from the table behind her. It was so quiet and peaceful, with only her thoughts and the music floating in the holiday air.
The song switched to something familiar, a song she had loved since she was a little girl, falling asleep on Christmas Eve in Traverse Town. A man was singing it, someone with a lovely tenor voice, and his voice flooded its way like liquid chocolate into her thoughts.
I'll be home for Christmas.
You can count on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe,
And presents under the tree.
Christmas Eve will find me,
Where the love light gleams.
I'll be home for Christmas,
If only in my dreams.
"You won't come home." Yuffie whispered to herself, her eyes glazing over. "I can't count on you anymore."
Christmas Eve will find me,
Where the love light gleams.
I'll be home for Christmas,
If only in my dreams.
Tears of rage and sorrow poured from Yuffie's eyes uncontrollably. "Shut up!" She whimpered, pushing stop angrily on the cd player. It was as if he were trying to speak to her, trying to let her know he was alright. But he was not coming home! He would never come home! And she was too stubborn to let it go!
She threw on her coat and boots and walked out into the whipping midnight wind. It was suddenly more bitterly cold than it had been earlier, as if the weather were attempting to match her emotions. She felt the snow nip at her face, but she did not go back inside.
The town itself was deserted at this time of night, only the golden streetlamps lighting up the main entrance to the world. The air was so icy that her tears froze on her cheeks as they fell from her eyes. She walked to the World Exit and stood there, staring at it angrily, as if perhaps it would open, and there he would be. The words of that dreaded Christmas song still rang in her ears, not letting her let go.
Suddenly, the wind died down. The whipping storm that had kicked up all the snow was suddenly gone, as if it had never been there. The snow fluttered to the ground like tiny delicate angel wings and settled around her, over her, covering her blotchily in the feathery snow.
I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me.
Yuffie sniffed, feeling frozen, weak, defeated. What was left? She felt like she should just stay there in the bitter cold and freeze to death. At least then they would be together.
I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.
The World Exit slowly cracked open, and there stood a figure, lone, thin, and white. Yuffie was so cold and tired that she could have sworn it was an angel.
He came to her slowly, dragging his foot behind him, as if he had a terrible limp. He wore baggy, dark clothes that were too big for him. But there he was, familiar and yet so foreign, a face that she had thought of so much that she had almost forgotten how beautiful he was. The delicate and strong jaw, the prominent nose, those eyes of pale blue ice. His hair had gotten longer, now past his shoulders, but it still hung in a fringe like a wing over his forehead. His cupid's bow lips opened to speak, but he could not muster the words, and neither could she.
"I crashed down in Beluah. Ran out of fuel and went down." He paused to swallow. "A family found me, half dead. I didn't remember who I was, what was going on…I didn't remember anything. It took me a full year to recover, but…" He studied her, looking so cold and shocked and too frightened to move.
She feared that if she touched him or opened her mouth to speak, she would break into a thousand pieces. But it was him, it was really him, standing in front of her, as real as anyone else. She began to cry, silently cry, staring at him as if to memorize everything about him, every perfect feature, every strand of hair the color of moonlight.
He stepped forward, smiling slowly, and pulled her to him. The embrace was enough to shake her from her state of shock. She threw her arms around his neck, sobbing and whimpering and kissing him anywhere she could reach, just to touch him, taste him, breath him in. She couldn't say anything, she didn't know if her voice could even make sound anymore. But she didn't have to. Just for them to hold each other, it was enough.
"I'm home." He whispered, his mouth on her ear, kissing it softly. "I'm home."
THE END
Merry Christmas, Ann! I love you times a million, thank you for everything you have done for me this past year. You are an amazing person, and I am SO lucky to be able to call you my best friend. You have helped me through SO much…boy trouble, family trouble, friend trouble…you have listened to me when I cried and smacked me upside the head when I was being stupid. I love you SO much, I hope you liked it.
-Mel