Haviland Forrister

and el

Chico Homosexual

By J. C. Y. and S. L. V.

Chapter 1- Meet Haviland Forrister, the Muggriff

Once upon a time, in Tennessee, there lived a muggle nomine Haviland Nicole Forrister. Now, Haviland was not a typical muggle; she was, in fact, a hippogriff posing as a muggle! Her real name was Witherwings Jr., but all her hippogriff friends called her Muggle-head-face. However, all her muggle-head friends called her bird-brain-face. ¡Pobrecito!

How did Haviland, or Witherwings, wind up as a muggriff? Why would she want to? It all started when she saw the movie Pinocchio with her hippogriff friends. After that, she'd always aspired to be a real girl ("I want to be a real boy! I mean, girl!" she'd always say). Unfortunadamente, her hippogriff friends, especially Buckbeak Jr., made fun of her. The majority (half plus one!) of their conversations went like this:

"Hello!" says Bucky.

"Hello!" says Withey.

"What did you say?"

"Hello!"

"Aren't you supposed to say that at the beginning of a conversation?"

"Yes, I know."

"I know you know."

"Well, I know you know I know."

"Well, I know you know I know you know."

"I know you know I know you know I know."

"I know you know…wait, you know I know that…argh! I'm confuzzled."

"The point is that we both know."

"Oh."

"Oh is right."

"Yes, it's right."

"I know it's right."

"I know you know it's right."

"I know you know I know it's right."

"I know you know I-no! Not this again!"

"I want to be a REAL bo-I mean, girl."

"Why? Humans are stupid, inane creatures. And they can't fly."

"But they can walk!"

"So can we!"

"Oh."

"Oh is right."

"Yes, it's right."

"I know it's right."

"I know you know it's right."

And on and on like that. So, one day, poor little Witherwings went to ask for advice from her longtime friend, Henrietta Potter, who just happened to be a witch at Hogwarts, the school where Witherwings, Buckbeak, and co. lived. Henrietta, suffering from depression that stemmed from her horrible name, suggested that Witherwings go to, er, purgatory (aka H-E-double hockey sticks). So Witherwings asked Henrietta's dad, Harry James Potter, for help. Harry was in the garaje, practicing con su banda, Harry and the Potters. They were practicing the song Wizard Chess.

"I don't want to go home for Christmas this year,

I don't want to see my family,

I just want to stay at school for this Winter Break,

I just want to stay at school with my best friend Ron,

Oh, oh oh-oh-oh we'll spend our Christmas playing wizard chess,

Oh, oh oh-oh-oh we'll play wizard chess this Christmas," Harry sang.

"Ron's mom sent him a nice package of presents,

She sent me a nice big sweater,

I got a mysterious gift from my dead dad,

It was an invisibility cloak, how rad!

Oh, oh oh-oh-oh we'll spend our Christmas being invisible,

Oh, oh oh-oh-oh we'll be invisible this Christmas,

Oh, oh oh-oh-oh we'll spend our Christmas playing wizard chess,

Oh, oh oh-oh-oh we'll play wizard chess this Christmas,

Oh yeah!" sang Harry.

Witherwings asked Harry if he had any idea what to do about her problem. After thinking for a few hours, he transfigured her into a regular human. Oops. He forgot to give her magic powers. Oh well.

Witherwings Jr. had become Haviland Nicole Forrister, daughter of Joe and Jane Forrister, sister of Hayden Forrister.

Chapter 2-Haviland Forrister and the Mini Oreo

Haviland Forrister soon made many friends at the muggle school she went to. Many, many friends. So many, in fact, that she did not know all of their names. She made so many friends that she was going to explode. ¡Hay caramba! So, to stop the popular mugriff from exploding, Haviland (AKA Asarielle/Havilande/Nicolette/Devilaire M'Shadi/Havi/Havi-Havi/Havi-Havi-Havi-/Havi-havi-havi-Havi/you get the poing) and her friends managed to stuff her inside a cannon and catapult her into the sky (we never said that they were, um, a bright group of friends). SO Haviland went wee-wee-wee all the way to …HOGWARTS! A prestigious school for witchcraft and wizardry! A land where dreams come true! A place with Hermione and Tara (the cat) and Tara (the person) and Mr. Aldrige and a few more unnamed victims (people Haviland liked). Haviland walked into the Great Hall into the Other Great Hall where the Sorting was taking place. The Hat was singing random phrases which all, COINCIDENTALLY, happened to have a very similar tune.

"Havi sucks at Latin.

S killed a bunny.

Ode to Chips and Salsa."

Then came the time of the school song:

"Hello mother, Hello father!

Fleas, ticks, mosquitoes really bother!

Thanks for the package, that's why I'm writing!

K9 Advantix quickly stops all the biting!"

"Swimming, hump-sorry-hiking, intense fishing,

They're not biting, I'm not itching.

I can't wait to show you all my new tricks

Thanks again for sending me k9 Advantix."

"What do you reckon? The hat's going haywire!" said Havi to Hermione, in a very British accent.

"Well, according to When Sorting Hats of Hogwarts who Sing and Sometimes go Haywire Because a Certain Haviland Forrister is in the House, that is, School, this is very possible indeed."

"Well," said Havi, "why is the sky turning all red and emitting red sparks?"

"I imagine it is being sucked up into hell."

"Bloody hell! Absolutely spiffing, mate!" said Ron.

And then, Haviland ate (dun dun dun…dramatic music playing) the mini oreo.

Is the suspense killing you?

Chapter 3-Haviland Forrister and the Attack of the Penguins!

Just as Hoggy-Warty-Hogwarts was about to be sucked into H-E-double lollipop sticks, the penguins came to the rescue! This band of penguins was led by Squirrelly the Spanish Squirrel, Fabio the Italian fox, and François the French mouse. After Hogwarts was safe, the axe-murderer penguins turned against the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, and beat him to death with their fins. The group of penguins overran the school and established a monarchy, with their king/head penguin of Greatness as ruler. During Dumbledore's funeral, Haviland began to rap.

"Acknowledging the United Nations' formation of rules and regulations inn various nations," she rapped. "Acknowledging the formation of policies advocating human justice in response to a widespread usage of children and prisoners as a labour force," she continued.

"Double you tee eff!" shrieked Hermione. Gasp! Hermy cussed! All the penguins were so surprised, they died.

So Dumbledore's funeral became a mass Programme for Childe Labour-I mean, a mass Penguin/Dumbledore funeral.

"What's the beef?" asked Ron.

"Cow!" Squirrely, François, y Fabio answered.

Chapter 4-Haviland Forrister and the Orange Hat

One day, Haviland wore a hat. ¡Qué divertido sombrero!

Chapter 5-Haviland Forrister and the Pink/Yellow/Green Highlighter

Another day, when Haviland was in Potions (aka Chemistry) class, Professor Snape the Greasy Git told them to get out their textbooks (Advanced Potions Making II) and the highlight the ingredients for Veritaserum. Haviland, being the good little studious student, highlighted all the ingredients derived from animals in pink, the ingredients derived from plants in yellow, and the ingredients derived from minerals in green. And just to be wild, she highlighted the title ("Veritaseurm") in pink, yellow, and green!