These characters are from the sweat-beetled brow of Craig Bartlett... lucky stiff. Rated T cause I felt like it, and some characters might end up nude later. We'll see... Once upon a time, I wrote a little story called "The Strangers In My House" which got me banned from FFN. Don't know why, and no real explanation was ever given other than some vague reference to "Posting Violation". Hmmm... Therefore, I now present this completely other story for your consideration which is in no way related to that other story.
Enjoy.
Part Two - Long Play Photograph
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Her townhouse was still a few blocks away, but the walk afforded Arnold little in the way of thought or stress relief, instead serving only to bring all of his current troubles into sharper focus. Seven months. His destination reached, he was knocking on her front door even before he realized it.
Silence, then the muffled, staccato footsteps running to answer the door which flew open after only the most cursory check of the peephole.
"Arnold? What're you doing here?" asked Lila, not at all unhappy the see him.
"Hey. I needed to talk to you." he smiled weakly, and with a graceful flourish she ushered him into the foyer. The Sawyers had done all right for themselves in recent years and if you were to exclude Lila's dreadful stepmother, you could say that her life was pretty good. Dressed only in shorts and tank top, black as was her habit, her fair skin and long red hair gave her a perpetual Halloween air, needing only a black cat or broom to complete the image.
"Where's your folks?" he asked, as it was usually Mr. Sawyer that answered the door on his frequent visits.
"Some dinner thing. The Jaycees, I think. I was just getting ready to start making some calls to see what everyone was doing tonight. Have you heard anything juicy?" she asked with a mischievous grin. Whenever she smiled, the spray of freckles on her cheeks would seem to be making a dash for her ears, and he'd always loved that.
"Uh no. I'm sort of on auto pilot tonight." he said quietly, and she caught his mood instantly.
"Ah, I see. Look, I have to tinkle, go make yourself comfy in the TV room. I'll be right out, okay?"
Nodding, he watched the would be witch disappear down the darkness of the hallway. Better, he thought, but she's still feeling it.
Their rec room was spacious, well appointed, and grand the way that only new money can be. With a writer's flair, Helga once described it as "intensely casual", and that seemed to sum it up nicely. He wandered it's span, looking over the flotsam and jetsam of a life in mid living, until he hit upon something that made his blood run cold. Absently, he removed the picture from the shelf next to Lila's jump rope championship trophy, it's elegant little frame belying the moment in time it held.
It was the four of them at a school dance three months into their junior year. He and Helga, Lila and Gerald in suits, gowns, and insincere smiles for the pleasure of some unknown shutter bug.
Lie for the camera!
Despite what the picture showed, only a chosen few knew what it actually meant. Arnold and Helga had been going through what friend's might charitably call a "rough patch" and phrases like "Downtime", "Time Away", and "Seeing Other People" began to elbow their way into conversations with an alarming frequency. Lila and Gerald did what they could to keep all heads in the matter cool, and it was eventually decided that any major relationship decisions would be put off until after the dance, as all involved were committed already and it was too late to get new dates.
As affairs went, the dance went well, very well as a matter of fact, or so Arnold had been told, for of the two months surrounding the dance, he only remembered one night of it. Looking down into the image of the four of them, he could only recall that two days after this photo was taken, Gerald wrapped his car around a telephone pole, leaving the future of clan Johanson to his older brother Jamie-O.
Three days after that, Lila Sawyer attempted to follow him to heaven.
It was a series of moments of stark terror, the high points but some details lost to the anxiety of the night. Himself holding a flaccid Lila, Helga tried to call for an ambulance, but Lila had taken the precaution of disabling the few handset phones in the house. As she went for her cell, Arnold stopped her, then stood helplessly as he tried to collect himself.
"Get online, " he said slowly and deliberately, "Look up suicide remedies. Booze and sleeping pills." as the empty bottle of Absolut made their search all the easier. All the while, a very groggy Lila weakly flung her limbs this way and that as she slurred curses at them and begged for release. Any other time, this might have been the opening shots of a huge argument between he and Helga but now it was a test of the trust that they'd built between them. Looking into his eyes, she saw that he had a purpose in mind with his plan.
Nodding, Helga scurried to the families computer and hoped the Lila hadn't had the foresight to jig it as well. Roughly, Arnold slapped and shook the soon to be angel, finally bending her over the sofa and jamming his fingers down her throat, as Lila limply attempted to thwart him. After a small, tense eternity, the contents of her stomach added new color to the sofa cover and new hope to her would be Samaritans. Looking up, he saw Helga, scared but in control coming to his aid.
The internet having justified it's existence for them, they spent the next few hours reviving Lila and walking the toxins out of her system, even as she sobbed and cursed them for their interference. Slowly though, they began to sell her on the many advantages of being alive and Helga finally began to feel that they were out of the woods.
"You think you can just run off and leave me alone with this block head? No way, girl!" she said, daring to tack a small smile on the end, and was rewarded with a long loud laugh from their charge. The evidence of the evening's misdeeds disposed of, they sat together on Lila's bed, Arnold her left, Helga to her right and reminded her of just how much they cared for her. Her sorrow spent, Lila began to feel ashamed of losing sight of just how much she almost hurt two people that she loved very much.
The return of her parents at 10:35 PM signaled the evenings close and the few questions about the lingering effects of night's activities were quickly and easily explained away. Some Chinese take-out, questionable kung pao chicken which didn't set well with Lila and the unpleasant results of that.
Preparing to take their leave, Helga turned to Lila and said, "Um, we'll be by tomorrow to um... check on you. Y'know, see if you're okay." as Arnold nodded in agreement.
A tired little smile and Lila said, "I'll be here." and with her eyes she said, "I promise"
Back on the street, Arnold and Helga began to feel the full weight of the evening come crashing in on them. Not having the luxury of panic in the moment, they now felt as though they'll just run a triathelon while wearing a pair of wolverines. They were beyond exhausted, they were spent, and yet with a twinge of pride and accomplishment in the mix.
Just before they reached the bus stop, they were shocked to find that they'd been holding hands all this time and were trembling despite to warm Autumn air. Almost in unison they looked at each other, their shared moment of terror having forged new links between them. Slowly, he took her in his arms and kissed her forever. He'd almost lost one friend this night, he wouldn't make it two.
Arnold looked up to see Lila standing in the doorway, now dressed in black jeans and a shirt thrown over her tank top. Seeing the object of his interest, she raised an eyebrow as he awkwardly returned it to it's place of rest.
"Um, I'm kind of... surprised that you kept this." he said and made a lame attempt at a casual air.
Soberly, Lila sat on the once vomit coated sofa and said, "That's what photos are for, right? Remembering the things worth remembering?" and patted the spot next to her. Dutifully, he sat by her and tried to seem relaxed even as he avoided her gaze.
Leaning forward to better potision herself in his peripheral vision, she said softly, "Hey you, I thought we all agreed no secrets. What's bothering you? Is it your sister again? What did she do this time?" as she reached an arm around his shoulder to guide his head gently into her lap.
"No it's not her... well maybe... okay, it's not just her, but she's a part of it. It's just..." he said, and she could feel him tensing up as he spoke.
"Shhhhh," she soothed, "Just relax and start from the beginning." and gently ran her fingers through his hair, even as she said a silent prayer.
"Please Helga, get home soon, he needs you." as she listened to his tale.
To Be Continued
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Okay, in planning this story out, I thought I'd go with short, tight chapters and get to play around with some experimental narrative. And before anyone freaks out, this isn't an Arnold/Lila story, so no whining. Next chapter, we take a little look inside Mile's head and learn a little more about Carmella (thanks Shinji). Stick with this, I think you'll be surprised.
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Shipping and Handling -- Lila Sawyer (revised)
While everybody loves Raymond, evidently NOBODY loves Lila... well, Arnold maybe but I'll get to that in a bit. This has always rather baffled me because if you watch the episodes very carefully, you really don't have much reason to hate her. Introduced in the second season in "Ms Perfect" (episode #206) it wouldn't be for another year in "Arnold and Lila" (episode #314) that she'd start getting up the nose of dedicated Arnold/Helga shippers. All told she' only prominently featured in six episodes involving Arnold:
Episode #206 - Ms. Perfect
Episode #313 - Arnold and Lila
Episode #318 - School Play
Episode #407 - Love and Cheese
Episode #411 - Weird Cousin
Episode #502 - Helga's Masquerade
Episode #503 - Big Sis
Episode #517 - Timberly Loves Arnold
Episode #517 - Eugene, Eugene!
I opted not to include "#511 - Arnold Visits Arnie" and "#514 - Married" because Lila is a weird dream world version of herself and not really related to the actual character in the show. Having pretty much written Ruth Mc Dougal out of the major plot threads in "Arnold's Valentine", the writers needed another foil for Helga, and therein lies a point that I think many fans and fictioneers overlook; Lila isn't a character, she's a plot device.
Her soul purpose in the show is to be a focus for Arnold's pointless obsessions (dude, no means NO!), and a focus for Helga's teeth grinding, but is this warranted? Well... After "Arnold and Lila" , our resident redhead spent the rest of her episodes asking Arnold to please keep his hand's to himself (LITERALLY in the case of "Weird Cousin"). She is also only one of two people that Helga has actually confessed her feelings for Arnold to (and yes, while Phoebe obviously knows, at no time does Helga actually come out and told her). So then, what to do with Lila in your fanfics? Hmmmm...
1) "Shut Ub... Ah'm Nawt Drunk an' You're Ever Sho Shtupid!"
Like Phoebe, puberty could be either kind or cruel to Ms. Sawyer and knowing you guys, it'll probably be the latter. She might be pretty and easy going (not little miss popular, a welcome part of the crowd) or possibly near sighted, acne scarred and with 18 lbs of braces jutting from her gums. Likewise, it's easy to imagine her peaking somewhere in the sixth or seventh grade and having a rough time of it in high school, and just like Phoebe, I see her not dealing with not being exceptional very well. From here you could split into two camps of thought; White Lila and Black Lila and the possible story hooks for both are pretty mouth watering.
Either way, you could see her getting into and out of trouble just like any of the other girls in the cast.
2) "Here Helga, you and Arnold take MY concert tickets..."
White Lila, pretty, pleasant, modest and funny. Always good for a favor or to just listen to your problems... pretty much as they wrote her in the show. While I imagine her being less annoying in manner by the time her freshman year rolls around, you could still have fun playing off her naivetZÿ and innocence. From Sid, Park and Stinky ceaselessly macking on her to her falling prey to the dishonest intentions of roguish sophomores (horrors!). You could have all manner of fun as Helga, Rhonda or Sheena work to keep her out of trouble. Alternately, she becomes Rhonda's right hand girl as she attempts to break into all the right cliques in this and the higher grades. I also REALLY like pairing up Helga and Lila as best friends, as you'll see in "Lonely Girls" and a few other upcoming stories.
Whatever happens, I just hope she starts dressing better...
3) "Now Rhonda, on your knees and beg for the privilege of licking my shoes..."
Black Lila; To Mega Thereon, the dragon lady, the spider queen. Gossamer fine are her intrigues and subtle are her foul schemes. Guileful and cunning, she is the Fu Manchu of the high school and no bit of villainy that happens within those walls does not bare her mark. She would come into conflict with any of our heroes only if they got in the way of something she wanted. Rhonda could fall prey to her desire for social dominance, Phoebe becoming her indentured homework slave, and Helga the constant thorn in her side as she undoes her plots one by one.
Okay, a little over the top, but what the hey, if you have your heart set on Lila as the heavy, why pussyfoot around. The real story ideas would be similar to the above, only to a lesser degree, most probably butting heads with Rhonda constantly over who'll rule as Miss Popularity.
4) "Um Helga, why must I buy your condoms?"
Okay then, let's think outside the box, shall we? In "Lonely Girls", I set up a rather plausible condition for Helga and Lila becoming best friends, caught between the Olympian conflicts of Rhonda and her social Magog, Katrinka. In "Ball and Chain" Helga the struggling writer is sharing an apartment with Lila the exotic dancer. In "P.S. 218" Lila is Helga's Jiminy Cricket, being the voice of reason in preventing our favorite blonde bombshell from getting into too much trouble.
If you think about it, you can have A LOT of fun with Lila without having to build the case that now all of the sudden she needs Arnold like she needs air. I've also got a little something cooking involving goth versions of Lila and Phoebe called "A Murder Of Crows", but you'll just have to wait for that one. -
As far as romantic pairings go, I for one am really sold on Gerald/Lila as titled nobility amongst the high school's beautiful people, and their two personalities would play off each other well. Likewise, if we keep it in the deep end of the pool, pairing her with Peapodkid or Rex Smythe-Higgens has a certain appeal, though this would probably get up Rhonda's nose more than Helga's.
And speaking of La Damme Pataki, how about a little fence hopping? Amusingly, when I brought this up in a chat once, the various Helga-naughts expressed outrage! I mean, they were fine with hot two girl action, but ONLY with Phoebe. Uh... yeah. Helga and Lila could work, though I think I'd REALLY need a clever set up to pull it off. I'm kicking around a few ideas, but nothing that intrigues me just yet.
The one thing that I can't seem to wrap my head around is Arnold and Lila, and trust me I took this on as a challenge. In the episode "Timberly Loves Arnold" our football headed paramore finally accepts the fact that it's truly over between he and Lila, and in "Eugene, Eugene" he seems to finally be behaving himself around her. Hmmmm... I'm not quite ready to give up on this yet; I'll figure out something. It's all a matter of coming up with an interesting angle on Helga in this little threesome.
Anyone else have any thoughts on this?