A/N: Well, ROTS again…Anyway, I wasn't originally going to put this scene in, until I discovered there was a serious lapse in the plot! So, I added it in, and I am going to combine scenes in the last chapter…
Chapter 10: Restless Fears
I had just come back to Padmé, and she was now carrying my child. The war was too be over soon, and when that happened…Padmé and I would finally be able to pursue a life together. It should have been a happy occasion…filled with hope, and love, without a care in the world.
Unfortunately, it was not.
That night…I had another nightmare. The worst nightmare I have ever had. It was so much like the ones I used to have of my mother…Except it was worse, much worse. Instead of seeing my mother in pain, my mother dying…
I saw Padmé.
It was unmistakably her, crying in pain…dying…crying for me to save her. During my dream, my heart broke it two, because I wanted more than anything to save her…but I couldn't.
When I awoke, I was more frightened then ever. I know what those dreams could do…My mother had died from them. She died because I didn't act upon them, and save her.
And I made the decision.
I wouldn't let Padmé die.
I couldn't let her die…I couldn't live without her!
I had to do, whatever I could to save her, even if it meant turning the entire universe upside down.
Which it did.
But nothing mattered, I was willing to risk everything, to keep her alive.
I was prepared for that, yet I didn't know the sacrifice that it would take, what would eventually have to be done to keep her alive.
But, first, I questioned Master Yoda on this. He said that I should "train myself to let go everything I fear to love". Insufferable. How could I train myself to let go of her? I had no intention of letting go of her at all!
If the Jedi wouldn't help me, as I somehow knew they wouldn't, I would have to find a way on my own. I wouldn't let her die!
My fears of the war spreading to affect her were soon replaced of my fears of not being able to save her. I didn't know what I could do, Jedi had many powers, but not healing…
And I knew this would be above what they had usually trained for in sickbays.
But, after pouring over it in my mind again and again, I finally found something. Not really an answer…but something, something that I could do.
A daring, yet a concrete way I could keep Padmé from dying.
"Have you ever heard the tale of Darth Plagueis the wise?"
That is what Chancellor Palpatine told me. He told me an incredible story of a legendary sith who could rearrange the midi-chlorians to create life.
To create life.
To keep the ones he loved from dying.
Once he told me this, I froze, and thought over that thought.
To create life…keep the ones he loved from dying…
Hesitantly, I asked "He could actually…save people from death?"
Palpatine assured me so. And he told me that the Dark Side of the Force was a pathway to many unnatural abilities…
Unnatural abilities…
To create life…
Keep the ones he loved from dying…
That was it. There was a way to save her! I knew at that moment, that if I searched through the Jedi achieves, perhaps experimented, I'd know how to keep her alive! I could save her! And save others who would also have died!
I would have the ultimate power as a Jedi, to not only protect lives, but to save them from death as well!
I would be the most powerful Jedi, even more powerful than Master Yoda! Just as the Chancellor predicted!
But only one thing remained; how to receive this knowledge. I asked him if it was possible to learn that power.
He replied that you could not learn it from Jedi. Which meant only one thing, it was strictly a Sith power.
That would mean…I'd have to embrace the dark side of the Force in order to save her. But I couldn't…even though I disliked the Jedi code, I could never turn from them…I could never turn to the dark side. The Sith were evil.
But still…if that was the only way…
I hated myself sometimes, for thinking those thoughts, but when it came to Padmé…I was willing to do anything for her. I was willing to do anything to keep her alive…Was I willing, to do that to make sure she stayed alive?
I couldn't answer. I was in turmoil. Ever since I was a Padawan, I had confusion over my dream of Padmé and my dream of a Jedi Knight. Now it was a question of loyalties. Would I remain loyal to the Jedi, and forsake all chance of saving her, to do what some would call right? Or would I turn, not turn evil, but use a Sith power, to save her life?
I had to find a solution to my problem. I could neither forsake Padmé, or the Jedi…I would, once more, have to tread both lines. I figured that I could learn this amazing power, yet still be a Jedi. After all, what separated a Jedi from a Sith was good versus evil, wasn't it?
The galaxy was divided, after all, by good versus evil. A being was either good, or evil, that was that. That is what I had believed all my life. We were on the side of good, while the Sith, and the Seperatists, were evil. Evil was in their hearts, that was all they were. They had no compassion within them. That meant I could learn a power from the ancient Sith, yet still remain a Jedi, still be good, right?
I knew that, in my head, but my heart demanded a debate.
So, I thought about this question night and day. When I was around the Jedi, with them talking about a mysterious lord of the Sith lurking about, my heart wanted to say no to this, because somewhere, I knew, it was wrong.
But when I was with Padmé…I wanted ever so badly to learn that power, that I didn't care anymore. Padmé was the one thing that kept me held on to sanity in those troubled times.
And as I was thinking of that question, I was trying to retain my mind while realizing the world was slipping out of my control…
My decision came when I was with Padmé, once more. It was the afternoon after Obi-Wan had left, and secretly, for that I was thankful. He was starting to get between Padmé and I…
I thought over another one of my nightmares, trying to decide what would be the right course of action. Padmé was acting cheerful…More cheerful than usual. It puzzled me…Before I sensed a familiar presence…
"Obi-Wan's been here, hasn't he?" I asked, perhaps a bit too gruffly when speaking to her.
"He came by this morning." She answered brightly. That made my heart swell with jealousy. What business did he have with her? The smile faded from her face as she walked into our bedroom. "He says you're under a lot of stress."
I sighed. So, that was it. But I was still feeling a twinge of jealousy. Obi-Wan didn't have any right to talk to her about me. I stared out the window, to the cityscape of late afternoon, seeing speeders fly by like they did at all times of the day. "I don't know." I replied. "I feel…lost."
Padmé stared at me. "Lost? What do you mean?" Her chocolate brown eyes filled with concern. I hated that look on her…I would have much rather had her smiling brightly.
"Obi-Wan and the Council don't trust me." I admitted, looking away.
I could tell the look of concern on her was doubled. "They trust you with their lives." She assured me. I wished it was the truth, but it wasn't…they didn't trust me at all. It didn't matter if I was the "Hero with no Fear", it didn't matter if I was the "Chosen One", the fact remained they didn't trust me even though I had given them every reason to!
I paused, thinking over my current status as a Jedi…how I wanted to be a Master…how I wanted that power to save Padmé…how I wished I could have been the one to end the war…and I realized, "Something's happening." I turned back to her. "I'm not the Jedi I'm supposed to be." I was supposed to be a Master Jedi, with powers not even Master Yoda had! But the fact remained… "I want more…and I know I shouldn't." I turned away.
I did want more…I wanted more power than ever. I thought, that if I could control something, I could make it better…If I had amazing powers, I could keep people from dying…Keep Padmé from dying…
Padmé walked to me, and said in a calming voice, "You expect too much of yourself."
As I gazed back at her, confirming once again that I couldn't live without her, I knew that I would have to gain this power, somehow. I didn't care if I would have to search high and low, I just had to make sure she was safe…
That's all that mattered; that she was safe.
"I found a way to save you." I told her.
Padmé looked puzzled. "Save me?"
I took a gulp as I recalled the look of her face in pain. "From my nightmares."
She could tell I was worrying too much. And she knew what happened when I got worried. "I'm not going to die in childbirth, Ani. I promise you." She assured me.
But it wasn't enough…it was never enough. "No," I declared. "I promise you!"
Unfortunately, there are some promises that are never kept. But why was mine to be one of them?
A/N: OMG, he's going to the dark side! Nothin' much…see you for the last two chapters!