Naming Desire
...OOO...
He stood unmoved by her words, an eternity of silence passing between them.
What had she expected from him? Comfort? Sympathy? He scoffed such useless concepts.
If such had been her goal, it backfired, only reaffirming what he had always thought humans to be- not only physically inferior, but weak-minded as well, so easily swayed by their trifle sentiments.
Still, the silence that reigned was heavy and oppressive, begging to be broken.
He opened his mouth to do so, but she spoke first.
"Did that satisfy you?"Her voice, so emotionally laden just minutes ago, had reverted back to its usual dry detached tone as she turned her back to him, fearing that her eyes might betray that which her voice so aptly hid.
But her response didn't surprise him nearly as his own did.
"You... still love Inuyasha?" The words came unbidden, but left his mouth slowly, as if he had meant to say them.
Apparently they surprised her as well, causing her head to spin around back to him, eyes widened. For a second she found herself unable to speak.
Quickly regaining her faculties, she searched his cool exterior trying to determine if he was mocking her, but the question was sincere.
Looking past him to the wet grey world outside, her expression softened as a melancholy distance settled in her eyes taking her away from where she stood.
Taking her away from him.
She answered honestly, "I will always care for Inuyasha- no matter how far away he may be from me in body or in spirit. Love may waver, but it never wanes. I know this from experience."
"So why are you not with him?" he challenged after a brief moment of thought. "Do not think me blind that I cannot see his affections for you."
Her answer came without hesitation in a tone of accepting surrender.
"Fate has willed it that we cannot be, and I no longer have the strength to fight my own destiny."
Finally she met his scrutinizing gaze, smiling ironically.
"You and I are not so different in one respect, Sesshomaru."
The sound of his name dropping from her lips startled something inside of him, the way the sudden appearance of light stuns darkness.
"It is our lot in life to walk it alone," she explained, "but you choose so freely whereas I can only submit."
He narrowed his eyes, refusing to be manipulated by her words, and replied, "Strength lies in the ability to conquer. The strong do not bow down to destiny, but make their own."
"It's funny," she stated humorlessly. "Naraku said the same thing."
This staggered him, and he asserted, "You dare to compare me to that vile half-breed?"
"I only make an observation," she smiled almost toyingly.
"Keep it to yourself," he grumbled, though without any real consternation.
"Hmm..." she sighed and smiled again.
He found himself relieved by that serene smile because he had begun to regret asking her the question of her death, never perceiving its outcome- that it could break the easy peace that had mutually formed between them since that first day he partook of her meal. In his mind he excused this feeling by reasoning it was only because he would yet have to spend another night with this woman (despite his earlier plan) and wanted as little discomfort as possible.
Deeper down however, he knew that while true, it was not the only reason for the alleviation of his concern. A part of him had truly been vexed by the momentary breach in their peace, though this concern greatly baffled him- as did the fact that when he had awoken that morning the discovery of the restoration of the majority of his strength had not pleased him as much as he thought it should have.
After a lapse of thoughtful placidity, he announced, "I have decided to resume my journey tomorrow."
"Yes," she agreed amicably, "I thought you might. You seem to be mostly recovered- I'm sure you'll have little difficulty in your travel." Although on the outside she smiled- as a nurse does when discharging a patient- inside, a small nameless pain stabbed at her heart.
She did not quite understand the reason for this rise of emotion, but she brushed it aside, taking it to be nothing more than an aversion to being left alone again- though even this logic made her wonder. After all she had spent the better part of her resurrection in solitude and had grown more than accustomed to it, finding solace in her desolation. So why now this sudden dread of returning to the only way of life she knew?
"May I ask where you plan to go?" she inquired.
"I will return to my castle," he answered. "Jaken and Rin are expecting me."
At the mention of the little girl's name, she smiled.
"And how is Rin? Is she well?"
"Yes... though she was ill for some time not too long ago."
"Oh? With what?"
"A cold."
Without realizing it they fell into easy conversation with Kikyo giving him advice on remedies to the varied illnesses children are prone to- colds and fevers, and infections.
As the afternoon wore on, the rain dwindled, eventually ceasing completely by early evening though dark skies continued to linger and a cold wind blew, strong and steady.
"Good-night, Sesshomaru," she remarked almost affectionately as she laid down in her usual spot for the night.
He cast her a long glance, somewhat overwhelmed, before returning, "Good-night... Kikyo." It was the first time he had called her aloud by name, and the sound of it on his tongue, he found, was not completely unpleasant.
At the same time, it brought another smile to her lips... and her heart.
Shortly after, they both fell into tranquil slumber.
A sense of contentment settled upon her and for a moment she was almost happy... but the wary voice in the back of her mind kept her back, distrusting the feeling she knew could not last...
How right it was...
...ooo...
Deep into the night Kikyo awoke.
Outside, the moon had set, the stars faded. Dawn was just beyond the horizon, but until then she had to contend with the all consuming darkness.
Was it a dream? She wondered.
No- she did not dream. Rather it was just a strong emphatic feeling, heavy and foreboding.
Across from her she could discern Sesshomaru's sleeping form, shifting slightly.
Suddenly, a violent fear gripped her heart almost to the point of panic- the kind of fear children have of being alone in the dark. It immobilized her as she felt herself suffocating, the night coming alive and engulfing her into its unfeeling void.
Closing her eyes, she fought to push it away...
Kikyo...
Her name rang inside her head clearly.
That voice! she thought, alarmed. Naraku!
In her mind she heard his dry laughter.
Miss me? it taunted.
Had she gone mad? she wondered. It was not possible! Naraku was...
Dead? The malevolent voice finished off her thought.
Dear Kikyo, you might have defeated my physical manifestation, but you can never defeat me for I am the darkness which lurks in all men's souls. So long as life exists, I shall always remain.
"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" she screamed aloud angrily, trying to drown out the voice from her mind.
Instantly Sesshomaru awoke, alert golden eyes piercing the shadows of the night to rest upon her quivering figure.
A violent shiver racked her body. She was cold...
So cold...
Her hands trembled as she attempted to rekindle the fire, fully understanding that what she felt could not be banished by the heat because it had not been brought on by the frigid weather; it had come from within.
He reached over to help her, and by accident their hands brushed against one another.
Suddenly realizing his presence for the first time, she pulled away, surprised.
He said nothing.
"I'm sorry," she stammered, withdrawing her hand. "I did not mean to awaken you..."
"What happened?" he asked, not able to keep the edge from his voice.
"Nothing," she murmured looking away. "Nothing... Just a dream..." Even as she said it she wondered if she was trying to convince him... or herself? It could not have been possible, and yet she knew what she had experienced was real.
Naraku...
How could he still be alive! her mind shrieked.
She had destroyed him with her own hands... How? How could he have survived? And more importantly, how had he penetrated her own consciousness?
Seeing her so troubled disconcerted Sesshomaru. The priestess feared little in this world, and her distraught was enough to set off the alarm bells inside his own mind. What was it that had frightened her so thoroughly?
And mixed in with this concern for brewing trouble was another stronger concern for the priestess herself, though he refused to endorse it as such at the moment.
Her hands still trembled slightly even as she fought to regain her composure, and though he knew that whatever the cause for it might have been, it was not the elements, he took the pelt he carried and wrapped it around her shuddering shoulders.
The action stirred her from her thoughts, making her look up in surprise at his kneeling figure before her.
"The wind is bitter tonight," he observed, pretending not to know she was immune to it.
And she played along.
"Thank you," she whispered, truly touched, as he returned to his side of the room to resume his sleep.
For a while she simply watched as his eyes closed once again, and found herself smiling softly as she laid back down, his fur around her, allowing herself to push all thoughts aside. Soon her eyes also shut themselves as her usual dreamless sleep overtook her.
He heard her breathing deepen, knew she was asleep. His eyes reopened to the ceiling, a thousand thoughts running chaotically through his mind...
...ooo...
The darkness surrounded him, assimilating him into its very core, shrouding him in its unfathomable depths. He was the darkness and the darkness was his consciousness, a consciousness which held only one thought, one desire-
Kikyo.
Her image infested his very being, a light confusing the darkness.
She had been a puzzle he could never comprehend, eluding his all knowing understanding, and infuriating him. He had hated and feared her, so he had sought to destroy her, destroy that light he could not conceive- first through tainting it with hatred, second by breaking her will, and finally with the destruction of her physical body... But she had overcome his attempts and the light remained pure and grew only brighter, and in the end it was she who had banished him from his physical existence, forcing him to seek solace in the furthermost regions of men's consciousness which housed the basest desires they endeavored to ignore, to push back and lock away, never daring to acknowledge its existence for fear of what might break loose. He was powerless against such a will which arose from the thorough fear of their own true nature. Even those he managed to sway refused to believe the evil they let loose and call it for what it was...
Had she truly been living, it would have been impossible to reach her, but because she had no soul but the part of hatred, her consciousness lay open to him and he would take full advantage to gain what he so wholly coveted...
She would be his.
...OOO...