"All I want for Christmas is you…" Veronica bobbed her head enthusiastically as she rummaged through the closet for an empty box.
"Veronica, honey, what're you doing?" her mother called from the other room.
"Nothing," Veronica forced herself to say. She hated lying, even about small things, but her mom didn't like her going through the closet for some reason. Normally, this wasn't a problem. Veronica would just ask her mother to find a good sized box for her, but this time she would have to sneak it herself. If Lianne came over, she would undoubtedly see her Christmas present lying in plain view on Veronica's bedroom floor. This was the first time she had bought presents for her parents all on her own and she couldn't wait to see the looks of surprise on their faces when they opened their gifts. When her mother didn't answer, Veronica knew she would be coming over shortly to check on her so she grabbed the smallest box she could find and dashed into her room. Quickly shoving the present, box, and wrapping paper under the bed, she flipped the radio on and flopped back onto her bed with the new issue of Seventeen.
"Knock, knock!" a familiar, cheerful voice called as the door slowly swung open.
"Hey, Mom," Veronica greeted her, propping herself up on her elbows. "Did you need my help with something?"
"No." Lianne shook her head. "Just making sure you're all right."
Veronica smiled reassuringly. "I'm fine." Her mom had been acting rather odd lately. She was jumpy and on edge, especially around Veronica. And she had taken to checking up on her quite often.
Lianne looked appeased and gave Veronica a soft smile before retreating. Veronica sighed with relief and listened until the rhythmic padding of footsteps faded. A moment later, the small jewelry box and the wrapping supplies were once again strewn across the carpet. Her tongue poked through her lips and she concentrated on folding the corners of the paper. This was never her strong suit. Fifteen minutes later, Veronica proudly admired her wrapping skills. It didn't look half bad. At least the box's corners hadn't ripped through this time.
Hurriedly, lest her mom come in, she stowed the gift on the shelf in her closet, under a bulky sweater her great aunt had gotten her for her birthday. As she stepped back, her foot landed on something flat and smooth and she heard a crinkling sound. Glancing down, Veronica saw that she had stepped on a few folded pieces of paper. They must have fallen out of the box she had taken from the closet. She reached down and went to toss them into the waste basket beside her desk, but hesitated as she caught sight of her mom's familiar handwriting.
Keith,
Hide these notes for later. Make it look like an accidental overdose of medication and you should have no trouble with the insurance company. The policy is in the safe under the bed. I'm sorry I had to do this, but I don't see any other choice, clichéd as it sounds. I'll pass praying that it is you that finds me and not Veronica.
Love,
Lianne
Veronica's widened eyes brimmed with tears and her vision swam as she comprehended what the note meant. After only a moment's pause, she ripped open the other note.
Veronica,
I know you don't understand why this is happening, but trust me when I say it was my only way out. I'm sorry for everything I've done to you. You're my only baby and I love you with my heart and soul. I'm so proud of the beautiful, intelligent young woman you've grown to be. Always follow your heart but try not to be too much like me.
Love always,
Mom
The pooling tears spilled over then, smudging the word 'love.' Veronica eyes darted back and forth as her mind raced, trying to figure out what she should do. Finally, she drew a shaky breath and forced herself to call her mom.
"Mom?" she asked, tentatively at first, her voice thick with unshed tears. "Mom?" she called again, louder this time. The third time, she screamed it, panic coursing through her body, nearly overtaking her. "MOM!"
"What is it, Veronica?" Lianne asked anxiously, running down the hallway. She grabbed Veronica by the shoulders. "What's wrong?"
With trembling hands, Veronica held up the notes. Lianne's face clouded over.
"Where…?"
Veronica pointed mutely to the slightly ajar closet a few feet away and Lianne's face darkened frighteningly.
"I thought I told you not to go in there!" she screamed.
"I'm sorry!" Veronica sobbed.
"I told you not to go in there and you did anyway! How much did you read!"
"All of it." Veronica choked back a sob and fled to her room. As the door slammed shut behind her, she slid down against the wall, the tears now accompanied by loud sobs that shook her entire body. How had things gotten this bad? She knew her parents fought, but surely not enough to make her mother want to kill herself. Right? There had to be something else, something she didn't know. She needed to sort this out. Usually when she got that feeling, she called Lilly but not this time. She didn't want to tell Lilly about her mother. It wasn't that she didn't trust her best friend. She simply didn't want anyone knowing. She would never feel comfortable around that person again. Her skin would always prickle with that feeling of being watched. She would always feel that sense of self-consciousness that followed a badly hidden, pity-filled glance from someone else. No, she wouldn't tell Lilly or anyone else. Ever. All she wanted to do was forget, at least for a little while.
Veronica tried to distract herself with the laptop her father had bought her a few weeks ago by playing mindless games, but all that accomplished was adding guilt to the emotional roller coaster she had suddenly found herself on. This wasn't going to be something she could forget easily. Or at all. At this realization, Veronica felt a growing loathing for her mother festering in the pit of her stomach like a rapidly spreading cancer but pushed it away only to have it replaced with the sinking feeling of pity for herself but more importantly, her mother. How horrible she had to feel to consider such a terrible act. And for the first time in her sheltered life, Veronica had no idea how to make things better. This wasn't like the times she and Lilly fought, only to make up later that day with a quick "I'm sorry" and a hug. This was real. And frightening. She wouldn't be able to stand losing her mother. That much she knew. But she was powerless to do anything. For a few brief minutes she contemplated telling her father, but quickly dismissed that idea. She wasn't even sure she had understood what the letter said. Thinking back, Veronica conjured up the words that were now burned into her brain. They would surely haunt her. No, she had understood correctly. But telling her dad still wasn't the right way to go. She didn't know why, but her every instinct was telling her not to. Nothing tragic had happened to her so far. There was no reason to suspect it would start now. After all, everyone thought of doing just ending their lives at one point or another, right? Everything would be fine, she told herself sternly. So Veronica did nothing.
Lianne never spoke of the incident, save for one quick sentence when she said good night to her daughter that night.
"I'm not going to do it, so don't tell your father." Then she gave Veronica a quick peck on the cheek and left her to agonize over it in the still darkness of the night.
A single warm tear slid down Veronica's cheek, the lone survivor of the day's earlier flood, and she whispered a solitary sentence that under any other circumstance might have seem corny and clichéd. "I love you, Mom."