Anatomy of an Apology

...OOO...

The castle was situated on a sequestered mountain side, its courtyard and terraces cut right into the rock. When Inuyasha had asked him why a lord of the west owned a castle so far east, Sesshomaru had explained that his mother had been from the east and that she had acquired the castle for use in her frequent visits. Within its gates, the grasses were tall and the gardens overgrown, but they still had yet to encroach upon the winding paths still clearly visible, and inside, everything was organized and orderly conveying the richness and glory it must once have displayed, despite the thick coating of dust.

Right away Kagome fell to cleaning the several large rooms he showed them on the higher floors that would serve for their use. At first, Kikyo froze in the corridor- it was dark and it reminded her too much of her dream, still vivid in her mind, making her uneasy. But she pushed it aside and opened several windows to let in the bright light that cast long rays on the floating dust moats, and borrowing a broom, she too began to sweep- anything to keep from thinking about last night...

At the sight of her with a broom, Sesshomaru frowned.

"That's not necessary," he told her.

"Huh?" she asked, looking up.

"Let the girl do it."

"Hey!" Kagome complained, overhearing. "I'm not a maid, you know!" And she had to fight very hard to suppress the urge to whack him over the head with her broom.

"It's alright," Kikyo interrupted, going back to her chore. "I don't mind."

He paused for a second to consider if he could order her to stop, then thought better of it and simply said, "Do what you like."

"Hey, wait," Inuyasha suddenly spoke. He had been standing in the hallway watching the two girls work, almost confused- he had almost forgotten why they were there in the first place. "Aren't you supposed to be telling us what happened with Nara-" His brother's warning glare stopped him.

"What?" he asked, even more confused, but Kagome caught the hint.

"Um, Inuyasha," she suggested. "Maybe you can fetch some water or something? You know- help out."

Inuyasha looked from one to the other and then at Kikyo who was doing her best to pretend to be oblivious, and he finally understood.

"Feh," he remarked. "If you didn't want to talk about it right now, you coulda just said so." Loping out the nearest window, he obediently went in search for a bucket and a well.

Sesshomaru stared after him for a minute once again wondering how they could ever be related, before turning around and- like any other civilized person- walking down the stairs.

Alone by themselves, neither girl spoke, trying to occupy their minds fully with their task.

But unable to stand the silence any longer Kagome finally voiced what she had been dying to say all afternoon, "Kikyo..."

Kikyo looked up, but did not respond. Kagome had stopped sweeping, trying to get the words out of her mouth.

"I... I wanted to say 'thank you'," she finally declared, and in a lower tone explained, "Inuyasha told me what you did- about my soul... and what happened in the mountain after Naraku... And I just wanted to say thanks."

Kikyo did not speak, but was staring into her eyes- not frowning or smiling, just simply trying to ascertain whether she was sincere or not.

It unnerved Kagome, so she added, "I know it must've been hard for you..."

At that Kikyo finally looked away and continued sweeping.

"It does not matter," she murmured.

Hard? she thought. It had not been that difficult- she already knew beforehand, before the situations ever presented themselves, what she would do. No. It had not been hard at all.

Giving her a small smile, Kagome also went back to cleaning.

If only the situation was a little different, she thought a little sadly to herself, she and Kikyo might have been really good friends. But life was tricky that way...

"Girl..." Kikyo's hesitant voice almost startled Kagome as she turned to see her. "How... how is Kaede doing?" It had been a long time since she last saw her little sister- though she supposed that was an odd thing to call her since Kaede looked old enough to be her grandmother now.

Pouncing happily on the subject, Kagome replied, "Oh, she's great- still fit as a fiddle."

Fit as a fiddle? Her reincarnation certainly spoke oddly enough.

But Kagome didn't notice the questioning glance and went on, "She's at the village with Shippo now- it's really cute how those two get along."

"Did you tell her about me?" and Kikyo wasn't the least sure which answer she wanted to hear.

Kagome froze, just as unsure what to tell her.

"Well..." she started. "I thought about it, but since you didn't come back to the village with us, I thought you might not have wanted her to know, so..."

"Hm..." In a way, Kikyo was relieved. She knew Kaede didn't think of her as her sister anymore- to her, the real Kikyo had died fifty years ago and that's where she stayed. But Kikyo could never quite help thinking about her younger sister. It was difficult to associate the old woman now with the little girl in her mind who had used to follow her around like a little puppy, always aiming to please her- not that it had been a difficult task- still, she knew they were one and the same and she had tried not to forget it.

"Kikyo," Kagome suddenly asked. "Why... why didn't you tell her or Inuyasha you were still alive?"

Kikyo stiffened. It was not the question, but the one who asked it that had surprised her. She spoke carefully, trying to find just the right words.

"I suppose I thought it would be easier on everyone to believe I was dead... I wasn't planning on staying alive much longer all the same."

"Um... so what happened to the Jewel? Didn't you get to make a wish?"

"No. I absorbed it into my body in order to use it to amplify my power to defeat Naraku. I suppose it's useless to wish on it now."

"Oh," Kagome replied. "So... so why don't you ask Sesshomaru then?"

Another surprise.

"Ask him what?"

"To use the Tenseiga... you know, to bring you back to life."

Honestly the thought had never entered Kikyo's mind, but with a small smile she answered, "Do you really think that will correct anything?"

Kagome was taken back, "Well, I suppose our... complicated situation won't change, but... but you're not really just going to give up, are you?"

"What would I be giving up?" she inquired, but seeing the other girl's inability to answer, she said, "But no. I will never ask, and he will never offer."

"Offer what?"

Whirling around, Kagome's eyes popped as she saw Sesshomaru ascending the stairs.

Of course, he had heard much of what they had said, but he was curious to see what Kikyo would respond.

But she only shrugged complacently and answered, "It does not matter."

They spent the rest of the afternoon laboring, but Kikyo found that despite how old the castle must be, everything was in good working order. She had even discovered that in many of the bedrooms, there were large trunks that still contained sleeping mats and sheets which, though apparently old, were quite in good condition. Of course, she didn't need them, and she doubted whether either brother would bother as well, but for the sake of decorum she laid them out anyway. It was something to do.

All day long she had been avoiding Inuyasha, skirting around him, refusing to meet his eyes, and she knew he was growing frustrated- he never did have the greatest patience. But she couldn't help it. The images of her magic induced dreams were still fresh in her mind- of him killing her. She knew it hadn't been real- that he would never do such a thing. She knew it.

But it did not to help.

So long as I have nothing but this bit of soul that clings to my hatred for his betrayal, I know I can never truly forget it and move on.

It was a sad thought. Logically she knew it was a false memory, but it was so tense and deeply ingrained, there was little she could do about it. It was beyond reasoning and since it was the single piece of her true self that she retained, she knew that in the end it would always win. It was one of the many reasons why she knew she and Inuyasha could never be...

Despite her best efforts, however, Inuyasha finally caught her.

"Kikyo, you promised to talk to me," he told her, and she knew it was pointless to avoid him any longer, so nodding a sign a of concession, she followed him out to the terrace.

The sun was already lowering itself into the horizon- dusk was upon them. Already some early fireflies had appeared, their mating signals flashing dimly in the fading light.

Kikyo gazed at him warily, but allowed him to speak first.

It was difficult for him to start with her eyes on him like that, but at last he asked, "So how are you?"

"Alright," she admitted, falling into the short talk. "And you?"

He sighed in vexation. This wasn't what he wanted, but he couldn't form into words the things he so desperately wanted to tell her.

Ultimately all he could say was, "Kikyo, I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" she returned, keeping her voice cool and detached.

"For everything, ok?" he replied in exasperation. "I shouldn't have left you in that mountain, I should've searched harder, tried harder... I should've... I should've been able to protect you. I'm a failure, ok? There- does that make you happy?"

She eyed him levelly, "Why would your failure make me happy?"

Gah! Sometimes she was even more aggravating to talk to than Kagome, but he lowered his voice and apologized, "I'm sorry, Kikyo. I didn't mean to yell. It's just..." He didn't know what to say, so they fell into silence as she turned her face away to the setting sun.

After a while she finally broke it and inquired, "Tell me, Inuyasha, why do you feel you owe me so much protection?"

The question stunned him.

"Because I love you, that's why!" he replied, his voice rising again.

"Do you really?"

"YES! Why do you always have to question it? YES!"

"Why?"

It was a simple question- just one word, one common word. So why did it manage to knock the wind out of him? Why couldn't he answer?

"Because I do," he choked out. "Isn't that enough? I love you." Tears were stinging at his eyes again. "Don't you believe that?" She sighed wearily as he pulled her to him.

"What is love, Inuyasha?" she asked, resting her head against his shoulder, like a child asking a parent.

"It's this," he answered softly. It was the only answer he knew to give.

But with another sigh, she pulled away.

"Naraku says he loves me," she finally told him, turning her back to him. "Is that the same love of which you speak?"

"WHAT?" he cried out angrily. "Don't compare me to that bastard!"

"I'm sorry, Inuyasha..." her voice tilted lower to an almost inaudible whisper. "I just don't understand anything anymore." Too many things were reeling around in her mind, making her feel dizzy. "I'm... I'm tired."

He heard the heaviness in her voice, and he pulled her to him again, kissing her hair gently, "Kikyo, I'm sorry."

Why must he always apologize? she wondered sadly.

For a long while they stayed that way- his head on hers, hers on his shoulder, his arms around her. Then, disjoining herself from his embrace, she cast him a look, and he followed wordlessly as she returned to the castle.

Inside they separated and she sought out a secluded corner to think, but she didn't want to stay still, so instead she meandered the grounds, weaving in and out of old rambling gardens teeming with a profusion of flowers and foliage. It was a nice way to get lost and lose oneself.

Unfortunately she hadn't been paying attention to direction, and when night fell and she realized it was time to return, she found she really was lost.

Not knowing what else to do, she pushed forward.

...ooo...

Sesshomaru caught her scent on a passing breeze entwined with the perfume of the garden flowers. He wondered what she was still doing outside- she had been missing for several hours now. Deciding to investigate, he traced it through the maze of vegetation.

As her scent grew stronger, his pace quickened.

She's near, he thought.

But before he could go much further, another scent overpowered her faint one- the scent of another woman he knew quite well.

"Sesshomaru," Kagura greeted, dropping to her feet from the sky, smiling at the sight of him in spite of herself and her intentions.

"Kagura," he returned, a little surprised with her presence. "I didn't think I would see you again so soon."

"I..." the idea of lying to him had occurred to her several times, but in the end, she couldn't bring herself to do it.

Instead she walked wordlessly to him to wrap a hand around his neck and pulled him to her, engaging his reluctant lips with her needy ones in a long drawn out kiss.

He was too astounded to withstand the assault.

...ooo...

Kikyo felt his energy coming nearer.

Sesshomaru... she thought smiling involuntarily at his name. Had he come for her? she wondered, but shook her head. It didn't matter, so she went to meet him following the pulse of his energy through the garden labyrinth.

But she stopped short, the smile disappearing to be replaced by a small 'o' of surprise.

Through a mesh of leaves and blossoms she saw them- his back to her, his hand on her arm which was wrapped around his neck.

Their lips locked in a passionate kiss...

...OOO...