The Sardonic Psychiatrist

Chapter 3 – Who's Y'Daddy?

Sinister opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, trying desperately not to move.

Susan laughed at him and did it for the fourth time that day. 'I just love the smell of rotten eggs, don't you? So poignant, like fermenting flesh on a hot summer…"

Sinister bent over the trashcan next to his bed and puked. 'Damn you, Wench!' He said to her as heinous laughter echoed through his head. 'As soon as this passes, I am going back to my body. And you…you are going to suffer. Suffer so very much. Do you even know who impregnated you, Wench?'

'Actually, if my calculations are correct, Remy or Logan would be obvious choices.' Susan said.

'Remy?' Sinister said, suddenly interested. 'I never thought I could trust that boy to either exercise discretion OR to reproduce by choice. Although there is something fundamentally dysfunctional about being both this fetus' grandfather and mother at once. Very, very dysfunctional.'

'Hmph.' Susan said, acknowledging what he'd said, but not particularly caring. 'Maybe Remy likes the smell of rotting—' She cackled evilly as Sinister vomited again. 'That just doesn't get old, does it?'

……………………………………………………………………………………

6 PM

"Remy? Dr. Jones would like to see you." Jean said as she walked into the rec room.

Remy took his sweet time making his way down to the lab, where Susan's office was. He smirked and sat down, looking up at Susan innocently. "What's da matter?"

Sinister leaned forward and rested his head on his hands. "Remy, I need to know where it is. This is of grave importance!" He said.

"Dr. Jones, what would y'be talkin' about?" Remy asked, playing dumb.

"My body!" Sinister yelled.

"What are y'talkin' about, Susan? Y'in your body!" Remy replied, smirking and, to Sinister then, seeming like the devil himself.

Sinister sighed. "Seriously Remy. As much as your DNA is a priceless commodity, I will blow you fucking head off if you don't tell me what I need to know, right this instant!"

Remy simply grinned wider. "Did y'drop an f-bomb? Sinny's desperate! Ha!"

"WHERE
IS
MY
BODY!"

Sinister yelled, making even Susan's voice carry throughout the large lab. "You stole it. I want it back. NOW."

Remy shifted and picked up a Rubik's cube sitting on the corner of the desk, then played with it for a few moments. "Why y'accusin' Remy of dis?"

"Let's see...you are a thief, Remy. And, while you may not be intelligent, I do believe you understand that thieves steal things, correct?" Sinister said. "So, when something goes missing – more specifically something that wouldn't generally be misplaced, like my body – it's natural to suspect a thief took it."

"Oui." Remy said. "But if Remy knew y'was Sinny all dis time, why didn't he tell?"

Sinister stood up, crossed his arms, and walked to the other side of the desk, staring down at Remy. "You're a louse and an idiot. I do not attempt to understand your behavior."

Susan suddenly screamed in his head. 'Rotten eggs! Roadkill! Bloody flesh!'

Remy shivered and sat still, stunned. "Y'just puked on me." He said. "Dis evil puke. Very evil. Remy gonna go kill hisself…Merde, what da hell were y'eatin'?" He said, wiping blue foam from his left cheek.

"Blueberry—"

'Rotten eggs!' Susan screamed.

Remy ducked as Sinister puked yet again, this time in the chair. "Damnit Susan, shut the hell up!" He yelled out loud in complete frustration. "Remy, please! I must get out of this…gestational vessel of doom!"

"Susan's preggie?" Remy said. He laughed rudely for several minutes. "Man, dis da funniest shit that…wait…" His laugher melted into nervous despair as he counted on his fingers for a moment.

"My point exactly." Sinister replied. "I am not pleased with the concept of mothering your bastard child. That is a realm of dysfunctional that not even I wish to enter."

Their conversation was interrupted when Scott opened the door a bit and poked his head in. "Dr. Jones? Can I talk to you?"

"No." Sinister replied as an idea came to him. "Scott! Come here. I know that we have never been close, but I need your body."

Remy smirked as Scott raised his brows and stepped back, unaware of the actual problem. "Uh…The thing about it, Dr. Jones, is that I don't…I uh…I have a wife, and…uh…you're a crazy bitch." He stepped backwards and quickly left the room, hearing Remy's uproar of laughter as he went back upstairs. "Man, what the hell is going on with that woman? I like her better as a plant." Scott said to himself. "I wonder if she's abusing Remy again…"

Scot went upstairs and went to Logan's room, then opened the door just in time to see Logan kick 'Hot, Young Asians Monthly' under the bed. Scott simply stared, so Logan quickly yelled "I like 'em old! Real old!"

"Right…" Scott said. "Look, I don't care. I think we need to go rescue Remy, he's in Susan's office. Something really weird is going on in there."

The two men decided that Susan was not going to sexually abuse them on their turf, so they went back to Susan's office and stumbled upon a truly disturbing sight. Susan was on her knees in front of Remy, begging. "Give it to me, please! I need it! I'm begging you just please…have mercy on your fellow man and give it to me!"

"Non." Remy replied.

"MAN?" Logan growled. "You used to be a man? Holy shit!"

Sinister hung his head. "I used to be a man. And now I'm a woman. A pregnant woman."

Scott ground his teeth together and looked somewhat disgusted at the sight of Susan on her knees in front of Remy. "At least it isn't Sinister this time." He muttered.

Remy shifted. "Actually…" Logan and Scott shot him dirty looks.

"Mr. Sinsiter is living under our roof and you didn't bother telling anyone?" Scott asked.

"Non, something about admittin' t'everything we done at Rehab. Ain' nobody need to know those secrets." Remy replied. "So…'bout y'body."

Sinister's eyes brightened. "Yes?"

"Remy sold it." Remy said. "…to da Antiquary."

Sinister frowned. "You sold my body to a rapist and slave trader?"

"Oui."

Sinister taps his fingers on the desk. "It's a pity your bastard child will never know you."

"How d'ya even know it's mine?" Remy asked.

"Educated guess." Sinister said. "But, I can give you proof." He walked into the lab, stabbed himself in the torso. "Ouch, missed." Did it again. "Missed again, damnit." Finally he withdrew a small amount of liquid and looked at it under a microscope. "Disgusting." He said. 'Susan, you are a filthy, filthy whore.'

'Whatever. I don't think I asked to be possessed OR critiqued by some guy that makes a living by vivisecting others.' Susan replied.

"Well," Sinister said. "Remy, I have some bad news. You have procreated with the worst possible mate on the entire planet. Congratulations."

"Merde."

"Yes, indeed." Sinister said. "Regardless, I need my body back. Surely, as men, you understand my plight."

"No, we don't." Logan said. "Because we're men."

"My point is this," Sinister said. "If you force me to give birth to Remy's spawn, I will kill you all."

……………………………………………………

Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.

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Next Chapter: Susan gets back in the saddle, Sinister

Doza – Wheee! I hope you like this chapter, thanks for reviewing.
BJ2 – Ha, Sinister, morning sickness…it's got all the comedy of a bad mpreg fic without actually being one.
utsuri – Surely you know by now that I only write bizarre things.
Tokyo Fox – Remy and Susan, two nutty nymphomaniacs. With a kid. Scary thoughts!
cute lil red head -- I love writing this stuff. Whoever it is sucks greatly.