Blame
...OOO...
It was her fault- she should have been strong enough to keep her hatred away, but she failed. She had failed the moment she allowed it to seep into her heart so long ago, and now she had failed to keep it locked away. Like so many consequences of the past, it came back to haunt her and would eventually return one day.
Why? she wondered. Why did she always end up hurting those she cared about? If all she had to defend them against was all the hurts of the world, she would gladly have fought to protect them, but how could she protect them from herself?
She ruminated on the question, turning it over and over in her mind even though the answer was quite clear. There was only one way, but she would take it, she determined. She would not let them suffer for her weak selfishness. No matter how much it might hurt her to do so.
Having decided, Kikyo let her eyes close, let her thoughts empty. She didn't want to have to think anymore about it right now. She didn't want to have to feel because she knew that if she allowed herself to she would explode from the sheer force of the emotions raging within her, trying to fight themselves free. It was a waste of energy because no matter how she might have felt did not change the situation in any way. She was still bound by fate to walk a predestined path, and she had promised herself that this time, she would not stray...
Sesshomaru felt her weight sink on his shoulder, felt her whole body relax as she entered into serene oblivion. He sighed a little and cast one wistful glance at the top of her raven head.
He didn't know why he had done it- had kissed her like that. No, that wasn't right- he did know why he had done it. He had done it because he had wanted to. That was the only reason he had now for doing all he did for her- Naraku, Inuyasha, none of that mattered anymore. Not really. Not if he could be completely honest with himself. What he didn't understand was why he felt compelled to do them, why he felt compelled to protect and care for her. He didn't owe her anything, and she... she didn't really need any of it from him.
Tilting his head back against the tree, he shifted his glance to the sky, now clear and blue again, the ominous dark clouds evaporating in the distance. It was his fault, he thought. If he had only seen through the situation- had never allowed himself to fall into Naraku's trap- he would have saved her from her own grief, saved her from that monster inside herself. But he had failed her, and instead she had to fight it on her own to save him.
She was supposed to be the insignificant one, wasn't she? The lowly human- no, not even that. She wasn't even human anymore, just a ghost bound to a false body constructed from magic and dead remains. The lowest sort of life form having no real life...
So then why was it he felt so unworthy to stand beside her? Why did she always make him feel as if he was the one falling short? He had never once questioned his own self worth before- not even when he was denied the Tetsusaiga. So why now did he suddenly feel that somehow he wasn't enough?
In a vain effort, he tried to be angry about it, but he couldn't. It wasn't fair, and it wasn't right... Not that he had ever bothered to uphold either before...
God, he thought in half-hearted frustration, how had she managed to so easily reduce him to such a state?
...ooo...
The thick leaves of the canopy diffused the harsh sunlight into an ashen gray that washed the forest below it in dark ethereality.
Naraku stared at his insubstantial hands, a look of perplexed concentration tight on his features.
What had he done? he wondered. Was he really responsible for instilling such a bitter hatred in her? Was he the one who had tainted her purity with such consuming darkness?
He had never meant to do it. All he had ever wanted was for her to love him, for her to give herself to him the way she gave herself to all others, and he had thought that if he could somehow turn her love to hate against all those that demanded it, then she would be free to love him without distraction. That had been his goal. But what he had unleashed instead was a hatred that knew no distinction between himself or any other, a hatred that wanted only wanted to engulf the world into its suffering. He had never meant for it to happen- he had never foreseen such a backlash effect that would turn the Kikyo he wanted and needed into such a base emotion. He had only wanted her to love him, but this creature left no room for such feelings.
What had he done?
...ooo...
Inuyasha jumped from tree to tree, combing the nearby forest for Kikyo. It was sunset now, and though he had not fully recovered, he was desperate to find her, hoping beyond hope that she was somehow alright even visions of her shadow and he anguished screams ripped through his brain. The last thing he remembered from that scene was Sesshomaru assuming his demon form.
Damn him. If he hurt Kikyo...
But he knew that was wrong. He couldn't blame Sesshomaru no matter how much he wanted to. The fault lay with him. It was because of him that Kikyo had such a monster inside of her. Perhaps he had not struck her directly those fifty years ago, but it was because of him that she died, nonetheless. He had been unable to save her, and he was the one that inspired her pain.
If he had only never loved her, he reasoned, she never would have loved him back, and she never would have grown to hate him that way. But he had craved her kindness, had given in to the tug of loneliness, had allowed her to love him because he needed to be loved.
Angrily he lashed out at a nearby tree, his claws shredding its trunk, before wearily sighing and bowing his head.
It's my fault. If only I had stayed away, I never would have tainted her. She would still be pure...
As dusk approached, he finally found her, and stopped short. They were underneath a tree with her wrapped in his haori and him half dressed.
"I see you're still alive," Sesshomaru spoke first, smirking inside at the utter look of confusion on his little brother's face, aware of the thoughts that caused it.
"Y-you," Inuyasha stuttered, unable to get over his shock to even be angry. NO WAY! His mind was screaming. No way, no way, no way had they done what his mind was suggesting. The two of them? Together? NO WAY! And after fighting? A strange smile twitched on his lips as his hand brushed against Tetsusaiga, "You... you didn't... did you?" He would slaughter him, his mind screamed some more. Sesshomaru was DEAD!
The smirk on Sesshomaru's face became apparent.
"What's the matter, Inuyasha?" he teased, sliding Kikyo to the ground so he could stand to face him directly, his hand resting on Tokijen's hilt. "She's too good for you."
"You- you BASTARD!" Simultaneously both swords were drawn.
Inuyasha knew nothing had happened just as Sesshomaru knew that he knew. But they didn't care. They needed this.
Metal clashed against metal as they pushed against one another.
"I'll kill you!" Inuyasha threatened.
"Not if you're dead," he retorted. They jumped away to rebound with more effort.
"I thought humans were below you."
"Who said they aren't? Maybe I just enjoy making you suffer."
"Feh! As if the great Sesshomaru would degrade himself just so my life can be miserable. Why her?" he demanded.
"Why not?" Sesshomaru shot back, swinging his sword but missing.
"You can't even admit you feel anything! You don't deserve her," Inuyasha replied, doing the same.
"And you do?" Sesshomaru challenged. "You can't even make up your mind whether you want to be with her or that girl."
"Leave Kagome out of this!"
"She has everything to do with it. You can't even choose."
"And you can't even admit you like anyone but yourself! Now tell me if that isn't pathetic."
Sesshomaru growled, shoving Inuyasha away, "And who are you to judge me?"
Grinding to a halt, he smirked back, "Heh, looks like we've hit a nerve." And again their swords collided.
"At least my promise of protection isn't worthless."
This time it was Inuyasha's turn to repel him.
"And what do you know about protecting anyone?" he snarled.
"Heh," Sesshomaru replied. "Looks like we've hit a nerve."
Again they clashed with renewed determination, but was halted when Kikyo asked, "What are you two doing?"
Slowly they turned to see her rise her feet, having apparently been awoken by the noise. She had watched them curiously for a few minutes, unalarmed. Even to her it was obvious their anger towards one another was as feigned as the fight itself.
"Kikyo!" Inuyasha yelped in surprise, but before he could say or do anything else, Sesshomaru lunged for her, catching her up as she fell on him.
"What are you doing?" she asked, bewildered by his sudden action.
"Just go along," he told her under his breath before taking off.
"What the hell?" Inuyasha yelled, going after him. "You bastard! Give her back!"
Kikyo almost rolled her eyes when she realized what Sesshomaru was doing.
"You really shouldn't tease him so," she remarked dryly but put up no resistance as he whisked her away.
"Hm," he replied. "I'll consider that..."
"And what were you fighting over in the first place? That sword of his?"
"No," he answered plaintively. "You."
...OOO...