A Mate

Chapter 4: Things Better Left Unsaid

That night Remus woke with a gasp, finding his throat sore. He must have been crying in his dreams again. Remus lay there in his sweat-soaked sheets and shuddered as he remembered his dream.

He'd been running in the forest in wolf-form and the wolf had seemed even more violent than usual, stopping occasionally to snarl its madness at the moon that ruled it. Suddenly, there had been a strange scent the wolf had recognised as human. Out of the trees, Sirius appeared in front of him, a sad smile on his face. The wolf had howled in triumph, then pounced...

"Remus?" a voice whispered softly in the dark.

Remus tried to pretend he was asleep - Sirius didn't need to worry about him. True, he hadn't had such a violent nightmare since he was first bitten as a child but he was okay. Remus hated to think he was a nuisance to anyone, and as Sirius, James and Peter already seemed to be worried about his usual monthly transformations and the torn up way in which he returned, he didn't think it was fair to load more worries onto them.

Remus knew why he had that dream. It had something to do with his maturing, he was sure of it. The only thing that puzzled him was why Sirius had been there...

His curtains parted and he looked up to face Sirius' concern.

"Remus. Are you all right?" Sirius asked, searching his friend's face.

"I'm fine, why?" Remus asked, not meeting Sirius' grey eyes.

"You were screaming."

"Was I? I'm sorry."

Sirius studied the tawny haired boy and sighed, knowing he wasn't going to get an answer from him.

"It's okay... Moony, if you ever want to talk I'm here, y'know?"

Remus smiled.

"I know, thank you."

Sirius hesitated for a moment but then turned and went back to his own bed.

Remus closed his eyes with a small frown, wondering why he felt a strange sense of loss when Sirius left.

-

The first weeks back at Hogwarts passed in a blur, the extra work piled on by the professors made the days almost seem to disappear. Everything was mainly the same – McGonagall was still as stern as ever, the first years were just as excitable, and the Slytherins just as bad.

One thing that was different was James. Ever since the polite conversation with Lily, the two had slowly become closer. Both of them had shyly spent more and more time with each other until Lily had finally announced, "Enough of this procrastinating James Potter! You can consider me your girlfriend now, so will you just bloody kiss me already?"

Sirius had teased the poor boy mercilessly for days after Evans' speech, which just so happened to be said in the middle of the Gryffindor Common Room. Yet the two were now the happiest Remus had ever seen them. This, if nothing else, reminded Remus of his own task, which was where everything had started to go wrong.

It was one morning in the great hall when he first noticed something not quite right. He gazed around at the people having breakfast and looked to see if any particular girl caught his eye. It felt really weird to be doing that. Almost like choosing prey, Remus noted absently, but then quickly shook that thought from his head. A mate, he was looking for a mate, not food! He frowned slightly after a minute of surveying the crowds - no one really piqued his interest. That was a little odd-

"Are you okay, Remus?"

Remus turned and smiled at Lily, she had become quite close to the Marauders now that she'd finally overcome her dilemma with James. She was surprisingly very nice towards the other three, well a little less towards Sirius. Sirius' mischievous attitude seemed unable to win Lily over as he had with so many others. Remus quietly admitted to himself that it was amusing to find someone so impervious to Sirius' charms.

"Yes, I think I am. Just a little tired perhaps."

"I hope you boys weren't up playing all last night, after we'd gone to bed," Lily said sternly.

"Siri was rather adamant that we finish the game, it didn't finish until late last night so the others are probably only just waking up now." Remus grinned, remembering last night's big chess challenge.

Of course it was James who had won, the boy just couldn't be beaten. However, Remus had come a close second, he remembered Sirius cheering him on and smiled.

Lily tutted but smiled indulgently. She did like the boys very much, James more than the rest of course, but Remus with his soft eyes and shy smiles had always brought out an odd protectiveness in her. She grinned as she suddenly remembered the conversation she'd had yesterday with one of her friends from Ravenclaw, and excitedly turned to Remus.

"No," Remus said, smiling faintly.

"What?" Lily asked.

"No, to whatever it is you're planning," Remus said.

"I'm not planning anything!" Lily pretended to be affronted, but at Remus' sceptical look she laughed. "Okay, so maybe I am, but it won't get you into any trouble, promise. I just wanted to know what you though of Pearl Johnson."

Remus cocked his head and frowned at the strange question, after all who didn't know what everyone thought of Pearl Johnson? She was a slender blonde with large blue eyes and red pouty lips. Every boys' wet dream, or so he'd been told. No, the few of those Remus had experienced, he'd gotten the vague impression the person hadn't been blonde.

"I'm not really a blonde person," Remus said slowly after thinking.

"Really? That's a shame. Well, what about Olivia Patil?" Lily asked quickly, she had promised her friends to find out who it was this new and improved Remus Lupin liked, and she was determined to get an answer.

Again Remus frowned in thought, wondering why Lily was asking him this and why he was finding it so difficult. Olivia Patil was also another girl who was quite pretty, dark haired and lithe and yet...

"No, I don't think I like her either," Remus said before he could think about it further.

"You don't like either of the two prettiest girls in the school?" Lily asked speculatively.

Remus slowly shook his head.

"No, I don't think so, why are you asking me this Lily?"

"Well... You see some of my friends were interested in you, and wanted to know if they had a chance so..."

"Really?" Remus blinked, flushing slightly.

"Don't look so surprised Remus. If I was, well anyway... which lucky girl is it?"

"None," Remus said without thinking.

"Oh. So, you don't like girls then?" Lily asked wonderingly.

"Well, I don't fancy any girls," Remus answered, unsure of what she was getting at, when a strange look of glee crossed her face.

"So you're gay then?" Lily smiled. "That's great! I've been asked by a few boys about you, y'know."

"What! No, I'm not-"

"Look Remus, you said it yourself; You. Don't. Fancy. Girls," Lily said, then added quietly, "Have you actually ever fancied a girl before?"

"Well no, but there are reasons," Remus objected weakly, thinking of Charms' explanation of his adult 'hormones' only being activated recently.

He had expected to feel something by now though. His body certainly had started to act more... adult, he was constantly surprised by his odd reactions. Yet, if what Lily was saying was true, then they weren't as odd as he had thought, and as he felt more or less the same as before where girls were concerned then perhaps...

Yet the world wouldn't do this, would it? Surely, fate couldn't be so cruel as to make him gay… but even as he was thinking this, everything was becoming terribly clear. His fixation with the random male Quidditch player and his disinterest in the game was now dragged into the light and Remus winced.

Well, that's just marvellous. Not only was he a werewolf, he was a flippin' gay werewolf! Remus couldn't believe this. How long had he been gay?

As Remus sat stunned at this discovery, he was barely conscious of Lily's quiet reassurances.

"Remus? Remus! I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to-"

Remus snapped out of his shock and quickly smiled reassuringly at the distressed girl, hiding his own quiet breakdown as well as possible - which was possibly better than anyone else could.

"It's okay, you sort of caught me off guard with that little revelation. And you said what you had to say wouldn't get me in trouble," Remus teased her lightly.

Lily smiled hesitantly, "You're not upset?"

"No, just a little… shaken."

"I won't say anything," Lily said softly.

Remus closed his eyes and smiled gratefully at the sincerity he heard.

"Thanks."

"So, I guess you're not gonna go out with poor Pearl then?" Lily laughed.

"What? What about Pearl and Remus?" a voice asked confused.

Remus turned to see Sirius and James walking towards them with Peter trundling behind, and he smiled at his friend's nosiness.

"Nothing that concerns you, Black," Lily snorted.

Remus and Lily both watched with fond eyes as the two dark-haired boys came to sit on either side of them. Sirius sat next to Remus and James next to Lily, while Peter sat across from them all - his eyes locked to the food covered table.

"Aw, come on Lil, telllllll me! Remmie's my bwest fwiend, arwe you gonna take him away too?" Sirius whined playfully.

Lily raised her eyebrows at him and said nothing. She then turned to give James a quick chaste morning kiss.

Sirius sat down, smiling at the display, and he lightly touched Remus' back reassuringly and Remus smiled at him. Ever since the nightmares had started, Sirius had appeared increasingly worried about him. Of course, Remus shook off his concern and told his friend (who appeared by his bedside after the nightmares) that it was nothing every night, but he still caught Sirius occasionally looking at him more than usual, as if to make sure the younger boy was okay.

Remus was flattered Sirius seemed to care so much about him but he still hadn't told him the reason why he was having the nightmares. Sirius knew something had changed, he just didn't know what. Remus intended to keep it that way, as Sirius had his own problems. The Black family was never easy to live with, and Remus had noted how little Sirius seemed to be able to tolerate them, and how irritated he seemed to get whenever someone brought them up. Remus worried about Sirius and knew the other boy didn't need his friend's problems to be added to that list.

Lily watched this small exchange and laughed softly, she'd gotten her answer it seemed. When James asked her what she was laughing about, she just shook her head at him, after all she had promised Remus and she always kept her promises.

-

It was a few days after, in History of Magic when Remus really gave thought to his odd realisation. He'd been putting it in the back of his mind since that breakfast, not wanting to admit what he'd already admitted. He even avoided Lily, as she only served to remind him of the event. But now he was bored, who in their right mind could be anything else in History of Magic? He was writing meticulous notes, of course, but his mind was elsewhere.

Last night had been another of those strange breaks in the nightmares, awaking in the morning sticky and confused. In these dreams, he usually only remembered a brief flash of naked skin and the wonderful new feeling of pleasure before the memory of the dreams completely faded. However this morning he'd remembered a little more of his dream–lover, he was definitely male with tanned skin and dark silky hair.

Remus blushed as he remembered the frightened state he'd been, the first time he'd had one of these dreams, and the slow realisation that this was one of the things his friends so regularly talked about yet he'd had no experience of.

"Now what could possibly be going on in that head of yours to make you flush so Mr. Moony?" a voice murmured in his ear.

Remus ducked his head and blushed even more as he saw Sirius' teasing grin. He glanced around the classroom to see if anyone else had noticed his odd lapse in concentration, but as usual Binns had more or less managed to get everyone into the normal, catatonic state. James was snoring slightly and Peter had a glazed expression on his face that was reserved for this particular lesson – it was quite amazing how many different glazed expressions a person could possibly have; yet Remus had so far observed in Peter at least five.

"It's nothing," Remus mumbled in answer to Sirius' teasing question.

Sirius smiled at his friend's embarrassment and suddenly tucked the tawny hair that had covered Remus' face, behind his small shell-like ears.

"'Kay, Moony."

Remus stiffened at the other's touch, feeling an odd warmth flood through his body. As Sirius' hand slowly fell from his hair he stifled a gasp, knowing his face was slowly but surely flushing with mortification because of the almost violent arousal Remus had just experienced – all because of his best friend's small caress. He was bewildered at his odd reaction and incredibly embarrassed.

"You okay, Remus?" Sirius asked suddenly.

"Yeah," Remus managed to croak out. "I- I'm fine, I'm just a little hot – er, it's probably because of, y'know, moon and all. I'm fine, never b-been better..." Remus babbled.

Sirius slowly nodded and gave the boy an odd look.

"Okay..."

Merlin, he was such an idiot. How could he have done that? Sirius was his best friend. Remus was mystified at his lust-filled reaction to the dark-haired boy. He'd never felt so much as a mild pull towards anyone before, but his fierce reaction to that small touch had been enough to make him ache. Remus cursed and muffled a mournful laugh when he realised what this had meant.

"Remus? Are you sure you're all right? You look a bit pale."

"I'm... yes. I'm going to go get some air," Remus said dazedly, and then proceeded to walk straight out of the classroom, Binns' monotonous lecture not even breaking its stride as the ghost continued to drone on.

Remus walked slowly outside the castle with a bitter expression on his face. Of course he was gay and the only person he'd ever had a reaction to would be Sirius, that was just how the world worked. Remus Lupin, the dying werewolf; the queer, dying werewolf; the queer, dying werewolf that liked his very straight best friend.

"Bloody hell," Remus mumbled as he slumped down on one of the Hogwarts garden walls.

He ran his fingers through his long hair and sighed, watching in fascination as his breath came out as a white whisp of smoke in the cold Spring air.

This was going to be painful.

-

To be continued...