A Mate

Chapter 5: Avoidance

Remus had decided. It was a simple solution really - the easiest way. Perhaps the only way.

He was going to avoid Sirius.

How else could he possibly face him otherwise? It had been two days since he'd walked out of History of Magic and Remus knew that it was the only way to keep Sirius as his friend – in a bizarre, twisted kind of way.

Remus glanced at his friend and hastily looked away as he saw Sirius already gazing at him questioningly. He knew something was wrong. Remus had hardly said two words to him since he'd left Binns' class and Sirius was obviously worried. It was near the end of Transfigurations and Remus was thankful for that. Professor McGonagall had been giving them an incredible amount of work lately and even Remus – ever the eager academic - was struggling with the workload.

When McGonagall had finally told them to pack up, Remus sighed in relief. He quickly put everything in his small leather bag and was about to dash out of the room when someone grabbed his robe, and he was jerked to a sudden stop. He turned and looked up at the constraining arm to see that it was Sirius. The other boy frowned as Remus jumped back from his touch. It was not something Remus needed right now. Sirius being in sight was enough to fluster him, touching him made him increasingly, er, flustered...

"Where are you off to so quickly?" Sirius asked him, James looking over the boy's shoulder curiously to also watch Remus.

Remus looked around the nearly deserted classroom for inspiration and, seeing Lily making her way out of the room with a distracted expression, sighed in relief.

"Oh. I, er... promised Lily to help her with the Potions essay and... um... was just heading over to- to the library," Remus lied nervously, Sirius' close presence filling him with that strange anxious excitement.

"Really? She didn't mention-"

"Well, I've got to go. See you guys later okay?" Remus said quickly cutting James off.

"What about lunch?" Sirius called after him. Remus pretended not to hear and hurried off into the crowded corridor.

-

Remus frowned as he looked out at the lake and sighed. This was not as easy as he had thought it would be. Avoiding Sirius for the past week had been nearly impossible. Wherever he went, the dark haired boy always seemed to turn up. If Remus hadn't taken it so seriously, he would have sworn this was some kind of new game cooked up by Sirius to taunt him. Just now Remus had barely escaped his friend and his wounded expression after Potions, leaving him and the others as soon as he had a chance to run.

"Remus!"

Remus turned and saw James walking swiftly towards him.

"Hello," Remus said quietly, as he stopped his frustrated pacing by the lake.

"What are you doing?" James asked.

"Walking," Remus replied.

"It's too cold to be out walking. And that's not what I meant and you know it." James frowned.

Remus sighed. He knew this had been coming. Every time he turned away from Sirius, he'd seen James's accusing eyes and Lily's wondering ones. Remus ignored the silent rebuke in those looks and tried to make himself believe that they wouldn't interfere. Yet he knew James wouldn't let a problem lie, especially as Lily was probably pushing him to find out what was wrong. Remus now avoided her more than ever - she knew at least a part of his secret and he just wanted to pretend it wasn't real. If she talked about the whole thing, it would only remind him that yes, this was reality, he had gone and stupidly fallen in… lust with his best friend.

"Have you had a fight with Sirius? He said he doesn't think so, but, Remus, he's really upset. Why do you keep avoiding him?" James asked.

"I'm not avoiding anyone, James," Remus said, looking up at the sky and the fading sun. It would soon be dark. He could see the half moon in the sky and he felt its call, felt the echoing sorrowful call of the wolf, felt the pain of the loneliness he now had to hide as well as the other hundred things in his life.

James caught a glimpse of the other boy's pain and stepped closer to his friend - only not touching him because he knew of Remus' aversion to physical contact.

"Are you okay Remus?" he asked softly.

Remus looked up in panic and stepped back, giving James a weak smile.

"I'm fine. Just, y'know." Remus pointed to the sky.

James nodded and sighed, running a hand through his messy hair.

"I'll let you handle this I guess, Remus, though Lily's going to have my head! Y'know, you're better at this sort of thing then any of us, but who's there to help you?" James smiled sadly.

"I don't need help James. Everything's fine," Remus reassured him.

"I'm sure it is," James muttered. "Right then. We'd best go before we miss dinner, huh?"

"Um, I'll think I'll skip," Remus said hesitantly.

"Remus," James whined.

"Really, I'm not hungry," Remus said, desperately just wanting to fall into bed and forget this whole conversation.

"This is the third time you've missed dinner this week!" James said angrily.

"Been keeping an eye on me James?" Remus raised an eyebrow.

"No. Sirius has."

Remus bit his lip and looked at the floor.

"Night, James."

He heard James sigh as he walked back to the castle in the direction of the Gryffindor Common Room, and the feeling of guilt that had lately been gnawing at him suddenly flared up again as he walked away. He shook his head angrily. It wasn't any of James' business. He was keeping away from Sirius for the other boy's sake, as well as for his own sanity's sake. All he ever thought about was Sirius - it was driving him mad. If Remus actually went within speaking distance of Sirius, he didn't know what he'd do. It was bad enough in lessons when he'd catch the fleeting musky scent of the other boy, or his hearing would latch onto the sound of his voice, catch a glimpse of his smooth tanned skin... it was all very distracting! And Remus had had enough.

It was incredibly tiring, avoiding his best friend and yet, secretly watching him. He had no doubts now however - he was completely infatuated. What confused him was how it had seemed to come from nowhere. One minute he felt nothing, the next BAM! He was plagued with thoughts of his best friend kissing him, caressing him. One casual touch had been enough to make him crazy.

He mumbled the password and stumbled through the common room and into the fifth year boys' dorm. He sighed and dropped onto his bed, his energy drained by the wolf's pull and by avoiding the one person he most wanted to be with.

The door was suddenly flung open and slammed shut. Remus winced at the noise.

"That's it! I've had enough! What is it Remus? For the past week you've been different - or should I say more different? Ever since you came back, there's been something on your mind, ever since you changed... Tell me what's wrong," Sirius demanded.

Remus looked up in surprise to find a very angry Sirius striding up to his bed. Remus noted absently that the rage in his stormy grey eyes made them seem darker than their usual pale colour.

Remus sighed, his eyes dropping to the floor as they always did now when he looked at Sirius. It stopped temptation. Temptation of exactly what he couldn't be sure of, as he usually cut his thoughts off before getting that far. But he was sure if he met those fiery eyes, he'd be unable to stop himself from, from...

"Remus? See! You're doing it again. It's almost like I don't exist anymore, Moony!" Sirius said, desperately. "What's wrong? I know something's happened. Why won't you tell me?"

Remus risked a glance at the other boy. Sirius looked so distraught that a horrible wave of guilt swept over him, making him choke back bitter tears.

"I'm - I'm sorry Siri. I guess I've been a little out of it lately," Remus said softly.

Sirius looked at him, eyes narrowing shrewdly. He knew there was something else, but Remus would not give in to him. Remus already felt guilty enough for allowing Sirius to even notice his internal dilemma. The other boy had more important things to do than worry about a werewolf with a screwed-up love life.

"You've been avoiding me," Sirius said, a little accusingly.

Remus flinched and nodded forlornly.

"I'm sorry for whatever I did," Sirius said.

Remus flushed at the sincere apology. It was he who should have been sorry! He hadn't meant to push Sirius away - it had just seemed the least painful thing to do.

He had lost control. When he'd realised he liked Sirius, he had soon afterwards come to a rather disturbing conclusion: he liked only Sirius. And if that was so, if he couldn't find another possible mate, he was in trouble. This had made him panic, and he had backed away from Sirius, hoping that his sudden crush would fade. Unfortunately, it seemed only to be getting stronger.

"You did nothing. I've just been... distracted. I'm sorry," Remus whispered.

Sirius smiled anxiously and suddenly engulfed Remus in a tight hug. He seemed to then realise what he'd done and let go sheepishly.

"Sorry."

"No, it's fine," Remus said, bemused he didn't mind the affectionate gesture.

How had he not noticed that he didn't mind if Sirius touched him? Sirius smiled again and grabbed his hand, dragging him over to his bed.

"C'mon, let's play chess. Bet I beat your scrawny ass," Sirius said playfully, as he sat on his messy bed and set up the chessboard, no doubt left there from an earlier game with James.

"That sounds interesting. What are you betting?" Remus smiled, caught up in Sirius' happy mood.

Sirius thought for a moment.

"I know! I bet you a secret. A secret you've had to keep recently," Sirius added, smugly.

Remus smiled ruefully. It seemed Sirius didn't buy his excuse after all. Well, the boy was persistent, you had to give him that.

"Okay," Remus agreed, hesitantly. After all, Sirius winning against Remus was almost impossible - it would be like Peter getting an O on a Potions essay.

-

After the game was finished Remus cursed his misplaced confidence as, against all the laws of nature, Sirius had won. Remus sat with his mouth slightly open in shock as Sirius checkmated him.

"Wow, what can a person do with the right motivation, huh?" Sirius grinned.

Remus looked up at him over his own shrieking and angry pieces (the queen giving him a rather rude gesture for losing) and frowned slightly.

"Well, pay up. I want to know what's wrong with you, 'cause I know there's something. What are your nightmares about, and why are you having them? Why did you avoid me? And do you have any idea why Evans keeps looking at me and laughing? It's getting really bloody unnerving." Sirius shuddered.

His head buzzing with the questions, Remus was just as puzzled as Sirius about the last one, and wondered what Lily found so amusing. He shook his head wearily. How had Sirius known something was so wrong?

"I'm answering one question - your first one." When he saw Sirius on the edge of objecting Remus quickly went on, "As you said secret, not secrets. I shall tell you one secret and no more."

Sirius grinned and shrugged.

"Oh well. I tried, right?"

Remus smiled and his heart beat a little faster as Sirius stretched out on his bed.

"So, why are you having these nightmares?" Sirius asked.

"I'm not sure," Remus admitted.

"What kind of an answer is that?" Sirius sighed when he saw Remus' miserable expression. "Okay, right. You don't know - but you could at least tell me what they're about?"

Remus looked suddenly furtive and bit his lip as he shifted away from Sirius. How could he possibly tell him?

"They're... about when I change into the wolf. I'm hurting. I just feel pain - it drives me mad. Then I'm in a forest and I, I..." Remus trailed off hesitantly looking at Sirius who nodded encouragingly. "Then I attack someone."

"Do you know who it is?" Sirius frowned.

Remus nodded wretchedly.

"Who?"

"...You," Remus said quietly.

"- Potter you've got to talk to him! I'm just saying-"

"Lily I've already talked to him! For Merlin's sa-"

The two stopped dead in their tracks as they caught sight of Remus and Sirius.

"Oh, are you two-"

"No, we're done," Remus said, quickly getting up and trying to get as far away from Sirius as possible.

"So you're both friends again, right?" James asked cheerfully, ignoring Lily's look of exasperation at his lack of tact.

"Yeah, we are. We're okay. It's okay," Sirius said, looking into Remus' eyes and trying to convey reassurance with a soft smile.

Remus caught the look and relaxed slightly.

"Really?" he murmured quietly so the others couldn't hear.

Sirius smiled and nodded.

Remus gave him a look full of affection for his unconditional loyalty. How had he ever managed to win this boy's friendship? How had he ever deserved it? Remus bit his lip when he realised how he was betraying that friendship.

Remus smiled sadly back at Sirius and climbed into his own bed as he bid the others goodnight. He fell asleep to the sound of James' soft laugh, Lily's giggles and Sirius' strange silence, all the time wondering when Sirius' loyalty would be broken - knowing it would be when he found out the truth. Remus ignored the discomfort of his now wet cheeks and closed his eyes, willing away the nightmare that was sure to come.

-

To be continued...