The Mind of Atlantis - Chapter 12

As soon as the shock wore off, Beckett went to work cleaning and bandaging the wound on Sheppard's chest. A nurse then helped him get a clean gown on the Major. After checking Sheppard's vital signs one more time, as well as the oxygen mask and IV line, he turned to the nurse.

"Let's go ahead and get the heart monitor on him, just as a precaution. If he starts having problems with his heart rate, I want to know sooner rather than later."

The nurse nodded. "Yes, Doctor." She immediately left to follow his instructions. Beckett joined the team standing at the foot of Sheppard's bed.

"He's stable, for now."

McKay's face looked slightly panicked. "Carson...what was that? I've been with him since last night and there haven't been any wraith in here. That looked like a wraith handprint...and the blood...it looks like it fed. Oh God! Did one feed on him? Has he lost any of his life?"

"Calm down, Rodney. I think someone would have noticed a wraith in the infirmary. I don't know what happened, but I doubt he's lost any years off his life. The damage seems to be superficial. I think this is something else...Maybe he can tell us more when he wakes up."

Teyla looked worriedly from Sheppard to Beckett. "The Major will be all right though?"

Beckett sighed. "I wish I could just say yes, but the truth is...I don't know. He's stable...but that's all I can say for sure. I don't see anythin' that would keep him from recoverin', but with all I've seen since comin' to Atlantis, ...I hate to say anything for sure."

McKay frowned. "Carson, you're supposed to be a doctor. You're supposed to be able to tell us what's wrong with him and if he's going to be okay. Can't you make a guess - that's what being a witchdoctor is all about, isn't it? Making a guess and occasionally getting lucky."

"Rodney!" warned Elizabeth, her eyes beginning to flash anger. "You know Carson's doing everything he can."

Beckett was trying to tell himself that McKay was just acting out his concern for Sheppard, but he still found himself becoming agitated. "Rodney, exactly where on earth was I to get trainin' for somethin' like this? What medical school was going to prepare me for things like wraith attacks and stunners, machines that zap your mind back to that of a six-year old, giant bugs that suck the life out of you, or the problems that arise when you download information from an Ancient database directly into your brain? I'm sorry if you think the medical department is not wingin' it as well as the physics department, but we're doing the best we can...and I will continue to try my best to make Major Sheppard better. I'm sorry...but that's all I can do."

Teyla stepped into her customary role as peacemaker. "I am sure that Dr. McKay did not mean to sound unpleasant. I believe that he is just worried about the Major."

"We know you're doing everything you can for the Major," said Ford. "You've saved him plenty of times from other things. He'll be okay...he's the Major...he always bounces back."

McKay sighed loudly. "Carson...you know I didn't mean anything...just...help him."

"Aye...I will."

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Sheppard woke to the all too familiar sound of the heart monitor. He was pleased that his headache finally seemed to be gone, but dismayed to find he felt extremely tired and weak. He slowly managed to pull his eyes open and looked out at the blurry world. He lay still for a minute, blinking against the light. After a few seconds, the lights seemed to dim and he found it easier to keep his eyes open and focus on the infirmary around him. He was lying on his side, staring at the far wall. Upon taking inventory, he discovered that, besides the heart monitor and ever present IV, he was also hooked up to nasal cannula and a catheter. With all the wires and tubes, he was almost afraid to move, but he really wanted to roll over on his back. As he struggled against the weakness and lethargy and began to try to twist around, hands were suddenly there helping him adjust the covers and keep him from getting tangled in them. As he turned on his back, he saw Carson Beckett smiling above him.

"Let me help you with that, lad." When Sheppard was finally on his back, Beckett raised the head of the bed so that he was sitting. Sheppard pressed his hand to his chest, uneasy about the pain the movement had stirred up. Through the hospital gown he felt the bandage. He suddenly had a mental image of a wraith feeding on him and he remembered vividly the blinding pain that had accompanied it. With a sharp intake of breath, he tried to sit up, fear evident on his features. Beckett and Elizabeth, who had appeared on the other side of the bed, gently pushed him back against the thin mattress.

"It's all right, Major. You're safe." cooed Beckett, trying to ease Sheppard's anxiety.

"Wraith," he croaked, his voice so weak and unsteady that he wasn't sure they had heard.

"It wasn't real, son. Now lay back and relax." Beckett offered Sheppard a sip of water, which he gratefully accepted. After swallowing the water, he cleared his throat, hoping his next attempt at speaking was a little more successful.

"Glad to see you awake." Sheppard noticed McKay at the foot of the bed. He really must be out of it to miss the entrance of all these people.

"Thanks...how long have I been out?"

"They brought you in three days ago, John," answered Elizabeth. "The first 19 or 20 hours, you seemed to be dreaming about being Marchaeus. Then...you had some kind of episode."

Sheppard frowned as Beckett took over. "You went into respiratory arrest on us lad. It took a few minutes for us to get you breathing again. After that...well, you've been asleep for the past two days. How do you feel? Are you in any pain?"

"Mostly just tired...I feel drained...no pun intended. Chest hurts a little."

"Do you remember what happened?" asked Beckett as he checked lines and tubes to make sure they had not been moved out of place with Sheppard's change of position.

Sheppard closed his eyes a minute, obviously thinking. In a moment, he jerked slightly and clutched his chest with his hand. His heart rate began to increase on the beeping monitor. "Yeah...I remember...I remember all of it."

Beckett placed a hand on Sheppard's arm. "I need you to calm down, son. You're okay."

Sheppard nodded and seemed to be trying to gain control. In the wake of the calming fear, he felt an almost smothering sense of grief and sadness at the loss of Illiana and Raefkin. His mind was flooded with the realization that Marchaeus never saw his wife and son again...he wasn't there to watch his child grow up. Illiana and Raefkin had to survive in a new galaxy without him. The sense of lonliness and grief almost took his breath away.

"John? Are you okay? We can do this later if you like." He looked over at Elizabeth as he felt a single tear stream down one cheek. He quickly wiped it away.

"No...I'm okay. We can do this now. I'm too wired to go back to sleep." He took a deep breath and told them about living the life of Marchaeus. He told them about parts of his family life, as well as his military life. He left out the more personal moments with Illiana, but still managed to convey something of the man's love for his family. He told them about the evacuation of the city, about Marchaeus leaving a record for his descendants, and about his death at the hands of a wraith as they sank the city. It was several minutes before anyone spoke, everyone now aware that Sheppard had basically lived through being killed by a wraith.

Sheppard was suddenly aware of Elizabeth squeezing his arm. "John...we had no idea. No wonder your body went into shock." She looked over at Beckett. "Carson...that still doesn't explain the handprint on his chest."

"What handprint?" asked Sheppard, toying with the bandage through his hospital gown.

Beckett gently pulled his hand away from the wound. "Well, maybe it does. The reason I had called Major Sheppard here in the first place was to talk to him about his bloodwork. When all of this first started, there was a tiny amount of a strange protein in his blood. The bloodwork we ran after his encounter with the chair showed higher amounts of the protein. The blood Nick drew the other day showed an even greater increase. I was calling the Major in to tell him that I suspected his continuing interaction with the city had activated one or more of his Ancient genes so that it was causing his body to produce this protein. That's what DNA does after all, it controls protein production. The levels are even higher now. I suspect the more he interacts with the city, the more of this protein is produced and the more of the protein that is produced, the more he is able to interact with the city. His levels are pretty high right now."

McKay frowned. "That may explain how he was able to interact with the city in order to access Marchaeus's records, but how does that explain the handprint?"

"You are aware that if a person is convinced in his mind that he is sick, that he can actually develop physical symptoms and become sick. I think the fact that Major Sheppard was essentially living what happened to Marchaeus combined with his connection to the city has somehow resulted in the Major's injury."

"Oh, hogwash. That sounds like some of your voodoo magic, Carson. That's not possible." To say that McKay was skeptical of Beckett's explanation was an understatement.

Sheppard shifted uncomfortably under the blanket. "I don't know, McKay...It somehow makes sense. I mean...this wasn't just a dream. I was there. I could feel it, taste it, smell it. It was like I WAS Marchaeus and I was really there." Sheppard shuddered at the memory of dying under the hand of the wraith. "I...I felt myself die," he said quietly, closing his eyes and grimacing as he remembered the agony of having his life sucked away.

"Major?" asked Beckett, concerned about the increase in his patient's breathing and pulse.

"I'm good," whispered Sheppard, not sure if he was trying to convince Beckett or himself.

"I think the Major's had enough for right now. Let's let him get some rest."

"Wait a minute, Carson...You didn't ask him about the lights yet," whined McKay.

Sheppard furrowed his brow in confusion. "The lights?"

Beckett sighed. "The reason we came to check on you when we did is because all the lights on this side of the infirmary dimmed inexplicably. Rodney thought you did it because you woke up and they were too bright. And...you have been playing with the lights lately."

Sheppard thought a minute. "You know, I do remember thinking the lights were too bright when I first woke up...and then it seemed like they dimmed. Maybe I did do it. Sorry."

"No problem, Major. But I would appreciate it if you'd turn the ones over by the nurse's station back up. They're having a little trouble seeing over there."

"Sure thing, Doc." He thought about the lights and was rewarded with a "Thank you," coming from the direction of the nurse's desk. Sheppard smiled sheepishly. "Guess I'll have to pay more attention to what I'm thinking."

"Aye. Now get some rest, Major." He patted Sheppard on the shoulder and began ushering everyone else out. He returned a few moments later to see if Sheppard needed anything, but the Major was already asleep. He stood and watched the sleeping man for several mintues, satisfying himself that he was okay before he turned and left.

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When Sheppard next opened his eyes, he didn't feel nearly as drained as he had before. He was also pleased to note that the nasal cannula and heart monitor had been removed. Now he just had to work on getting rid of the IV and catheter. He lay for a moment, just staring at the ceiling, letting himself tune in to his surroundings. Someone was in the chair next to the bed. He let his head fall to the left to see Elizabeth sitting there watching him.

"Hey! I thought it looked like you were waking up."

"Hey, back." He was surprised at how rough his voice was and at how dry his throat seemed. "Water?"

Elizabeth poured a cup of water and brought the straw to his lips. He barely got a couple of sips when she removed it. "Not too much until Carson okays it," she explained. He wanted more, but not enough to expend energy arguing about it. The little he had received had helped.

"How long this time?"

"It's been two more days since we talked to you about what happened. You've been in and out...mostly out."

"Two days?" He was surpised it had been so long. That meant he had pretty much slept away the five days. Time was really starting to get away from him.

Elizabeth noticed how disturbed he seemed. "Carson says you needed the rest. You woke up for a few minutes a couple of times...do you remember?"

Sheppard shook his head. "The last thing I remember is telling you guys about me seeing Marchaeus's life and death...I don't remember anything after that."

"I'm sure it's okay...you were exhausted. How do you feel now?"

"Better, actually. I'm still a little tired, but nearly as much as before."

And she thought to herself that he did look better. His color was better and his expression not so pained. "John...can I ask you something? I was wondering if you could tell me more about...Illiana?" She was curious to know more about her after the way John had kissed her. But his expression suddenly darkened and his brow furrowed in distress.

"I...Elizabeth...I can't...not right now...Maybe later, but not...now." He turned away from her, making her sorry she had brought it up. She reached and and lay her hand on his.

"I'm sorry, John. I didn't mean to upset you...I was just curious. You...his death really hit you hard, didn't it?"

Sheppard gave her hand a squeeze and turned his face toward her. "Yeah...it's like..." He looked up at the ceiling with a far away gaze, as if trying to find the words. "It's like losing...a brother...and a friend...and a part of myself...all at once. I can't bear to think of him...never seeing Illiana and Raefkin again. Elizabeth..." He looked at her with such intense grief that she felt herself shiver from the sheer power of it. "...he loved her so much and I...I can feel it almost like it was me. It's having the thing you love and live for taken away from you..." He shook his head and leaned back into the pillow, staring up at the ceiling again.

She tightened her grip on his hand. "It's okay, John. You don't have to explain. I...I shouldn't have asked."

He turned to look at her, concern in his eyes. "Why did you ask? Did I...say something...or do something?"

She smiled and patted his arm. "No, nothing like that...just being...nosy."

He seemed to accept her answer and relax. "Elizabeth...you know by now that I have to continue the training. This is bigger than me...it's important to all of Atlantis. You have to let me finish."

She sat looking at the floor. "John..."

"If you tell me no, I'll find a way to do it anyway. I don't mean that to be disrespectful...I don't think I have much control over it at this point. I need Atlantis and Atlantis needs me. I have to continue." His expression was almost one of desperation.

"I know...I don't guess either of us has much of a choice. But this will be after Carson clears you and on my terms." She gripped his hand firmly and gave him her very best I-mean-it expression.

Sheppard nodded willingly. "That's fine. I can live with that...as long as I don't have to fight you about doing it."

"Fight about doin' what?" asked Beckett, walking up to the side of the bed opposite where Elizabeth sat.

"He wants to continue the training sessions when he's released."

Beckett frowned. "I don't think that's a good idea, Major. You've been through a lot lately and I'm not sure how much more your body can take. Frankly, I'm not sure how much more I can take."

Doc...I HAVE to do this. I can't explain it...but I know I have to do this."

"Carson, I was just telling him that if we allowed him to continue it would be after you had cleared him and under my conditions, one of which is that you are there with a full medical team."

Beckett continued to look unhappy. "Well...let's work on getting you on your feet before we go planning anythin' else. Elizabeth, I need to check his dressing if you would excuse us."

Elizabeth got up. "Of course. John, I'll check on you later." She patted his arm and smiled reassuringly as she left.

As Beckett untied Sheppard's gown and pulled it down off his shoulders, a nurse with a tray appeared at his side. John winced as they pulled the bandage off, taking a healthy amount of chest hair with it.

"Jeez, Doc. Could we not put anything back on? I'll be bare-chested before you guys are done with me." He noticed the nurse smile as she tried to maintain her professional demeanor.

Beckett looked pleased. "You're healing nicely, Major." The angry red handprint of several days ago had faded to a slightly reddened splotch surrounding the scabbed over, but healing abrasion. "I think we can dispense with the dressing."

"Thank you! Hey, what are the chances of getting rid of..." He paused as he glanced nervously at the nurse. "...all these tubes and things and taking a shower?"

Beckett considered the question for a moment before answering. "If you can stay awake for a while and manage to eat a little something, I'll consider unhooking everythin' and seeing if you can stay on your feet long enough for a shower. If you manage that, I'll even let you have some scrubs." Beckett couldn't help but smile at the look of elation on the Major's face. He turned to the nurse. "Why don't you see about getting Major Sheppard a bowl of soup?" She nodded and left them alone.

"We need to start you out slowly on the food. You haven't had anything to eat in several days."

Sheppard nodded, having been in this particular situation a few times before. "That's okay, Doc. I'm not real hungry anyway. A bowl of soup sounds pretty good."

"Good," Beckett said as he pulled the hospital gown back up on Sheppard's shoulders and tied it behind his neck. "And Major...you don't need to be shy in front of Marcy. She's a well-trained nurse and very professional. She's not going to giggle if you ask about removing the catheter in front of her. As a matter of fact...I think she's the one that put it in."

Sheppard blushed and closed his eyes. "Way too much information, Doc. Way too much information. Look...I know in the back of my mind that everyone in this infirmary has seen all of my outside parts and most of my inside parts. The trick is keeping that in the BACK of my mind. That means not thinking about it or talking about it. I like to delude myself into thinking my private parts are private whenever humanly possible."

Beckett grinned. "Duly noted, Major. I'll try to keep that in mind. And you keep what I said in mind when I send Marcy to remove the catheter in a bit...unless you'd rather be keepin' it."

"No...Like I said, I delude myself when possible...and I'm well aware that sometimes it's not possible."

Beckett smiled and patted his arm. "Aye...it's not so bad, lad. You'll feel better after you eat and get cleaned up."

Sheppard nodded as Beckett turned and walked across the infirmary. He would never cease to be amazed at how miliary men could go nose to nose with the likes of the wraith or the Genii, facing almost certain death without flinching, and yet almost faint in embarrassment at the thought of a nurse seeing them unclothed while tending to their medical needs. For a bunch of tough guys, they could sure be a bunch of wusses.

TBC