Christmas Confession

The house was engulfed with Christmas. Lights glowed from the eaves and cedar garlands looped round the porch railing. A snowman in a red toque holding a sign that read 'Santa Stops Here' sat in the front yard. Inside the smell of apple pie wafted out of the kitchen only to compete with the pine scent of the real Christmas tree that stood tall in the family room. Definitely Christmas was a big deal in the Georgetown, Connecticut home of Dr. and Mrs. Jeffrey Sullivan.

All his family was here this year. Hailey and Mark were in from Kentucky, Joanne and Art down from Toronto and, last but not least, Christie and Jim up

from Brooklyn. They were sprawled on the chairs, the couches and the floor of the family room while the grandkids were upstairs in cots and cribs, waiting for Santa to drop this year's loot. Jeff smiled. This was the first time in three years that the whole family was here at Christmas. No one was being transferred to an out of country consulate, no one was staffing an emergency room and no one was recuperating from gun shot wounds. Surely that was a blessing.

"All right, you heathens," he growled from the doorway, "It is now 9 0'clock. At 10:30 I will be leaving for Midnight Mass at Sacred Heart. Surely there is at least one Christmas Catholic in here who wants to listen to their old man read from the altar tonight."

There were mumbles, grumbles and snorts; but no one jumped up to accept the offer to go.

"Well, I expect you all will be going with your mother in the morning. It will have the Sunday school putting on the Nativity instead of a sermon, which is no doubt a better entertainment value than me."

At 10:30 Jeff Sullivan stepped out the front door of his home and nearly ran down his son-in-law, Jim Dunbar.

"Jimmy, what are you doing here?"

"I thought I'd take you up on your invitation." Jim smiled crookedly at Dr. Sullivan.

"But, you're not Catholic, are you?"

"No, I wasn't raised anything. Consider this a gift. I don't think we've talked, just the two of us, ever. Mom or Christie always seems to be around and they do manage to take over every conversation."

"That they do, that they do. So this is going to be a man to man night?"

"Maybe… or maybe I get off on incense. Let's go."

Jim shook out his cane, tamped it tight and swung the tip gently over the surface of the porch. When he found the steps, Jim carefully stepped down to the sidewalk below. Jeff sighed as he watched his proud son-in-law manoeuvre through his dark world. Jim was never his favourite, but Jeffrey always respected a man who did his job well and Jim Dunbar was one good cop… is one good cop. Jeffrey sighed as he followed Jim down the stairs.

"You wait here, I'll get the car."

"Maybe I'll drive."

Jeff looked lovingly at his Range Rover. "Maybe Hell will freeze over."

"So, what about them Mets?" Jim quipped.

Jeff laughed out loud, this was the same line Jim used the day Christie brought him home to meet the parents. Yet, Jeff couldn't help but notice the white knuckled grip Jim had on his white cane.

"Jim, is something the matter?"

"No… and yes," Jim almost stumbled over his words. "We almost didn't come today. It was me who wanted to bail, not Christie. You seem we've been going through couples counselling and you're part of the reason…"

"I'm the reason you and Christine are going to couples counselling?"

Jim swung his head round as if he could stare at his father-in-law. "No, I mean you had nothing to do with it, it's just what I feel about you. Oh, god, that sounds worse."

"It sure does."

"Jeff… Dad… it's just that I guess… Okay, I'm starting over. Christie and I are in couples counselling and one of the things that I've come to realize that I bury my emotions. Well, your invitation to come for Christmas became a chance to talk, but I wanted to talk in private. There is no privacy in that house right now. So church was the opportunity and I took it."

"Okay, this is good." Jeffreyreplied in clipped tones, "I'll find a place we can talk in private."

Jim dropped his head back and blew out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding. This was hard, but he had actually got started. When he told Christie he was going to do this she said she was proud of him. Christie said she was proud of him a lot lately. Now, if he could just keep it up.

The men were silent the rest of the way to church. Occasionally Dr. Sullivan's eyes strayed over to Jim Dunbar. He could almost see the tension building inside the younger man. Jim had never been his favourite son-in-law, there always seemed to be something that stopped Jim from joining the family completely. Still, Jeff wasn't one to pry, he always figured that what was to be, would be. If Jim finally had something to say, he was ready to listen.

When they arrived, Jeffrey parked behind the rectory, away from the small parking lot that was quickly filling up. "Wait here, I'll be right back."

Jim waited nervously. He and Christie had rehearsed this scene and it never turned out the same way twice. No matter how often the tableau played out in his head, Jim always felt guilt, shame and remorse. Weren't all those just the same thing? Didn't it all boil down to 'it's my fault?' Jim jumped when his father-in-law opened the door.

"This way, I've arranged a private place where we can talk."

After Jim emerged from the car Dr. Sullivan tapped the back of his left hand, signalling his willingness to guide Jim to their destination over the frozen,uneven ground. The fact that Jeff was a doctor and knew the ins and outs of dealing with Jim's handicap made some things simpler. Of course, if the man wanted to lose Jim in the frozen wastes of Georgetown, Connecticut that would be easy too.

"What's with the smirk?"

"Just thinking I'd better watch myself or Christie will be getting a husband-cycle for Christmas."

Jeff chuckled; easing the tension a bit. Soon they were climbing stairs and entering a room filled with the smells of baking.

"We're in the rectory kitchen," Jeff said as he led Jim to the dinette and placed his hand on the back of a chair. Jim shrugged off his jacket, draped it on the back of the chair and sit down at the table. Instinctively, his hand explored the surface in front of him. Plates and platters covered the table top.

"That stuff is for after theMasses tomorrow morning," Jeff said as he watched Jim's fingers skim over the table, "but I'm sure they wouldn't miss a cookie or two."

Jim heard the clunk of a warm mug placed near his hand. He wrapped his fingers around it, letting the heat thaw them. He had to remember his gloves more than ever now that his fingers were his eyes. Then Jeff settled in the chair to his left. It was time to begin.

"This is a hard thing for me to do," Jim began, "but I promised Christie and myself I'd do it."

"Jim," Jeff interrupted, "what you say here, I'll never repeat. Does that help?"

"Bless me father-in-law, for I have sinned. Oh, that was in real bad taste."

"No, I asked for it. I won't interrupt again. Okay."

"Yeah," Jim brought the mug to his lips. Cocoa… not coffee; something unexpected; like this conversation.

"Two years ago, Christie and I were about to split up… had split up. Christie had left me and it was my fault. I was having an affair with another police officer in my precinct. A female officer, so we can eliminate that question right now. I don't think we would have gotten back together if I hadn't got shot. Maybe it took a bullet in the head to start me thinking."

Jim took another sip of the chocolate. He expected some kind of outburst after that news, but none came.

"She came back to me after that. Put up with me at my worst and helped me even though I'd… cheated on her. And then, because I was so damned determined to be self sufficient after the shooting that I damn near forced her out of my life again. Finally, I listened to Dr. Galloway, my shrink, and Christie and I started over. We talked, we took dance lessons and we went to couples counselling. You raised a really terrific, high maintenance woman and I don't know if I deserve her."

"Is that all?" Jeffrey Sullivan voice was angry and hard on Jim's ears. "You've told me that Christine Marie Sullivan is a wonderful girl. Well, I raised her that way. What is your excuse?"

Jim flinched. Jeff had not called Christie a Dunbar.

"There it is. There is the reason I'm so damn… jealous of my wife."

"Jealous?"

"My wife has a father who loves her, supports her and would kill anyone who would hurt her. It took counselling to show me I was so damn jealous of her that I was sabotaging what we had together."

Jeff saw the mug in Jim's hands shake from the force being exerted on it. Jeff reached out to his son-in-law and gently massaged those angry hands until Jim relaxed.

"You met my family at the wedding; my Mom and my brothers. You knew my Dad had passed away. Well, I'm glad you never met that mean, miserable son of a bitch. My father was a sloppy, violent drunk who beat my Mom, my brothers and me. Didn't matter how old I was, if I dared to cry, he would hit me harder and say, "Men don't cry, be a man, damn it." So I guess I learned to turn off the tears… and anything else that might make me soft. Sometimes that bastard would hit me and say, 'stop thinking that, I can see what you're thinking.' I guess I learned being a man was being a big, obnoxious jerk. So, when I grew up, I became a big, obnoxious jerk."

Jeff Sullivan watched his son-in-law with his hand over his mouth, because if he didn't he knew Jim would hearhis reactionsat these revelations. At first, all he wanted to do was punch Jim right in the nose, scream that he was a rotten bastard who didn't deserve his baby and leave Jim here to find his own way home-to Brooklyn. But, promises were made to be kept and Jeff had promised to let Jim talk without interruption. It was hard, but Jeffrey Sullivan could do it.

"Okay, let's begin at the beginning. I had my whole life planned out. I finished high school, joined the army and went to war I didn't think would ever happen, came back and then went to the police academy. I was gonna work my way through the ranks and retire a chief." Jim's words were coming out faster and faster; louder and louder. "I had made it to detective when I met the prettiest girl in the world. She was smart and funny and everything a guy would ever want. I fell in love with her and she fell in love with me and it should have been happily ever after, but I was a big, obnoxious jerk."

Jim stopped and twisted his neck until it cracked, making Jeff cringe. This wasn't like Jim, it was the first time he had ever been anything other than glib and superficial to him. Jeffrey wanted him to stop but he also didn't want to interrupt the man. He simply got up, took the mug, refilled it and placed it back in Jim's hand.

Jim smiled and started again. "I never imagined Christie came from a place like this, a family like this. It was right out of a damn PG movie. Away from here it was easy to imagine she could have come from Red Hook or Bed-Stuy or Canarsie. She didn't, she came from a place I couldn't wrap my head around. So, I figured I'd impress her and you by being super cop and super husband. Thing was, you didn't want or need that. You would have loved me because Christie loved me. So, I started to impress the guys in the squad; solving the hard cases, training new detectives and being the precinct Casanova. Anne Donnelly wasn't the first affair; just the first one Christie found out about. Hell, she doesn't even know that now."

"I won't tell her."

"Thanks. I gotta admit, if it weren't for this," Jim waved his fingers in front of his eyes, "we be divorced right now. If it weren't for Dr. Galloway we'd be divorced right now. I had to stop thinking about me first and start taking responsibility for my actions. Does that sound like psycho-babble?"

"It does indeed. Jim" Jeffrey looked at the man, "does the blindness have anything to do with you stopping. I mean, if you could still see would you still cheat."

"I don't know. I got stopped; the only thing that bullet did was make me face the damn bastard I was. I almost didn't even do it then. Listen, I'm blind, period, exclamation point and there are women who get off on doing it with blind guys. I got propositioned after the shooting. Thing is, Christie never treated me as anything other than Jim Dunbar who happened to be blind and not blind Jimmy; in the end that's all I ever wanted to be. So, here I am, Jim Dunbar. This is what you get. I hope that it's what you want for Christie 'cause I am trying damn hard not to be that obnoxious bastard anymore. I'll do my best but I might stumble and fall into prick-dom. So, for this and all my sins I am truly sorry."

Jim sipped his cocoa and listened. In the background he heard the sounds of the church choir singing of angels and shepherds and the new born King.

"I've made you miss church. Jeff, I'm sorry."

"I got Father Philip to replace me. We always have a back up plan here. You know, Art dragged my oldest to Toronto and might take her to Timbuktu next. I don't relish the fact my girl might anywhere in the world at any time. Mark is a physician in Kentucky and if you think being a cop is dangerous try being an E. R. doctor. You can add infectious diseases to physical injury in that line of work. All I've ever asked of my sons-in-law is that you love and respect my daughters. Jim, will you love and respect my Christine."

"With all my heart; I love her and I'll try my best to never hurt her again."

"I can't ask anything more and I expect nothing less."

"Thanks. Do youthink the priest would miss another cookie?" Jim said as he smiled his crooked smile.

"No. You are going to come with me to Mass in the morning now, since I missed it tonight."

"I wouldn't miss the Sunday School Nativity play for anything." Jim laughed.

Maybe, Jeffrey Sullivan thought, I'll rethink my opinion of Jim Dunbar.

FIN