Setting: During Nemesis.
Thor hadn't been pleased by the outcome. The idea that that filthy Goa'uld larvae carrying Jaffa scum was going to touch his Jack made him almost look angry.
"Come, O'Neill, we must have intercourse at once," Teal'c intoned, grabbing Jack's arm.
"Wha?"
Thor quickly fired the secret laser gun he kept in his bed. Teal'c dropped dead.
"Wha?"
"Do not worry O'Neill. He died quick and painless. Come here, and heal me with your love."
"Wha?" Then Jack realised Thor was talking about sex. "Wha?"
"My condition is such that it can only be healed through sexual intercourse with a male human from Earth." Thor said.
"Oh. Are you sure?"
Thor blinked meaningfully. "I have a very specific condition that means only American men who are officers in the Air Force can heal me. You must have intercourse with me or the Asgard-Earth alliance will fail. And I will die."
It sounded reasonable enough. "Okay. So, how does this work then?"
Thor told him the settings for the stones on the information spouting machine for an instructional video.
Jack watched, amazed. "So this is why you kept kidnapping people from Earth! You were making porn!"
"How do you think we can afford to build these ships, O'Neill? Now, will you heal me?"
"Sure."
And then they did sex. And it was good for both, and Thor lived, and Jack eloped with him in the secret escape pod Thor had secretly stashed away somewhere and lived happily ever after.
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