AN: Hey guys! Thankies again for the reviews!
MistressofHeaven: Nope, I didn't leave anything out. That comes later, after the pranks, remember?
don'tbreakme: It sounds pointless? Hmm... I never thought of it like that (but that's me for you). The main idea of it is to get on Riza's nerves, drive her mad etc... etc… and don't worry, you'll see why I used it later. Lots of chaos Mwahahahahaha!
Mookie and Moofie: How did I come up with the hobo thing? Hmm… I really don't know? I was going to use the Hello Kitty song. Then it occurred to me that Hello Kitty didn't exist then. So I just thought of something so ridiculous that it was funny.
Guess what guys! Chapter 14! That's almost half way to 30, and only 9 chapters after that! Rereads. Wow… that just made it sound even longer. Sweat drop. I was trying to lift your spirits a little. Show you we were in fact getting closer, but I guess it failed. Anyway, quick question, do you think this version is better then the other one? Grammar wise I mean, I know it's more or less the same as the old one, a few parts are different, but not much. I tried to skim through it and fix stuff, but I think I may have missed some. Do you think it's good, ok, or really bad?
Oh! Also (I know I'm starting to ramble, sorry!) But I went through the reviews and added some of you to my messenger contact things. Hope that's ok. So if you see a new one from untamedspirit, that's me! If you didn't want to talk, and deleted me that's fine. I'm not sure if I'd want to talk to me either after reading this crazy fic, but if you do want to talk to me, go to my bio page thing and it says all my addresses on there. I'm at yahoo, msn, and aol. So if you have those and want to talk to me go ahead. I don't bite. Plus, I like asking readers what they want, and sometimes even ask for advise! So, yeah, that's pretty much all I wanted to say. Hope to talk to some of you!
The Way to a Man's Heart Isn't by Crushing His Ego Chapter 14: The Best Tricks Always Have the Worst Tasting Treats
"Ok, I'm all done. I wonder why he just didn't ask Fury to do this," Hughes said with a sigh as he put the last of the finishing touches on his creation. It wasn't the best looking thing, but it worked and that was all Roy needed. For what he was asking, Hughes didn't do too badly of a job. You had to give him a little credit. He only had about 15 minutes to find the song from hell, and then find a way to hook it up. He got the song from the library down the street off the Military grounds. That library was for the public, unlike the Central library, and it had a children's section. It was somewhat amusing to see a middle aged man looking through the children's books and songs, but Hughes didn't seem to mind it very much. He had lots of fun showing the picture of Gracia to the other ladies there. He even showed it to a few of the kids. Armstrong, Havoc, and Roy stared at Hughes' creation. Questioning themselves on if they should really try and see if it would work. They were afraid it would combust in their face or something. No one knew how he did it, but Hughes had managed to make some type of splitter, that would allow incoming calls to come in, and let the music play from time to time. It was quite a feat.
"Do you think that thing will actually work?" Armstrong asked as he stared at the phone. They had managed to clean up a little of the mess. They had Roy's desk all fixed up, though still ink stained, and set their new temporary phone on it. The phone looked normal from an everyday glance. But under the table was a mess of sparking cords, pieces of string, and duck tape. Roy was hoping Riza wouldn't notice.
"It'll work, it had better anyway," Hughes said as he stood next to them to look down on his 'baby'. He had a proud look on his face. Though he couldn't help but feel bad for Riza. That song was truly more of a punishment then the hottest flames from Hades. Burns will go away with time, but that evil song will sit in the back of your mind and torment you forever. Hughes would know. He had to listen to it the whole time he was in the children's section at the library. He wondered how the mothers there put up with it. Or better yet, the people who worked there for hours on end.
"Hey, I'm back," Riza said a few minutes later. She saw them staring at the phone with cautious and questionable looks on their faces. What are those boys doing now? Riza wondered, but she knew the kind of men they were and just shrugged it off. "Sorry it took so long," she said with a smile as she set the bucket down on the floor and grabbed the mop.
"Hi, welcome back," Hughes said with a smile as he looked over at Riza. He quickly got back to work as well. He went to the far right corner of the room and began sweeping up some of the burnt papers.
"Umm… what's going on?" Riza asked after 15 minutes of Armstrong's, Roy's, and Havoc's quiet stares.
"Oh, nothing, nothing," Roy said and stared back at her. His hand rubbing the back of his head nervously. "Did you get some new water?"
"Yes…" Riza replied. She began to wonder why Roy wasn't lashing out at her. She knew how angry he was for the whole water incident, but he didn't seem to mind it very much. I'd better watch myself. I bet he's up to something. Riza thought to herself as she studied Roy's face, trying to pick up any signs of rage or a possible sneak attack. There was nothing. Maybe he's had a change of heart? She wondered as she stared at him. Anything is possible I suppose, but I'm still going to watch my back. She sighed and started mopping the black charred floor. These men, some women complain that they are too complicated and some complain that they are too simple. Which one is it!
Roy watched Riza for a minute or two. He smiled, but was careful to hide his smirk from her. He didn't want to give her any hints that something was up. She glanced up at him again. Wondering why hew was watching her the way he was. "Oh, Havoc!" Roy said when he discovered she was beginning to wonder. "Come on, let's go get that glass." He said grabbed Havoc's arm, pulling him a little ways.
"Finally," Havoc grumbled as he followed Roy toward the door.
The door closed, Hughes, Riza, and Armstrong all stared for a moment with surprised expressions. "Did he realize he is missing one of his boots?" Armstrong asked. Hughes and Riza just shrugged and got back to work.
Havoc and Roy got about halfway down the hallway when Roy suddenly stopped.
"Is something wrong, sir?" Havoc asked as he looked back at Roy who had a confused yet annoyed look on his face. As Roy was walking down the hallway he thought something felt strange, like he was off balance. One of his legs felt slightly longer then the other.
Roy glanced down at his feet and an even greater annoyed expression appeared on his face. His eyebrow twitched as he wiggled his toes. The edges of his white sock were gray and dirty, partly from walking on the dirty floor in the office and partly from the nasty water he had been standing in. "I thought the floor felt a little chilly. Havoc?" He asked as he stared down at the green tile.
"Yes?" Havoc replied.
"Tell me… what was Hughes up to while I was asleep?"
"Uh…" Havoc wasn't sure what to say. He didn't really have to say anything. Before he could reply Roy was stomping back to the office. His wet sock made a 'squish' noise and it hit the cold tile floor.
Bam!
Hughes was in the middle of talking about Gracia when Roy burst through the door. The force of Roy's blow caused the door to slam hard against the wall. "Please Lieutenant Colonel, don't break the door," Riza said as she continued mopping, she hadn't looked up from her work.
"Where's my boot?" Roy grumbled. His expression was a cross between angry and annoyed. His eyebrow twitched a few more times, making a weird little 'pop' sound.
"I guess he figured it out," Armstrong said. Hughes and Riza closed their eyes and nodded.
Roy stomped over to Hughes. He knew Hughes was behind this. Hughes was behind everything. "Where's my boot?" he asked again.
"Uh…" Hughes replied and motioned his head over toward Armstrong. Roy glanced over toward Armstrong.
"Hmm?" Armstrong stared back at him. Roy saw his precious black boot in the big man's hand. He quickly walked toward Armstrong, his fists clenched and his eyebrow still popping. He held out his hand in a 'hand it over' motion.
Suddenly the phone began to ring.
Brrrring!
Brrrrring!
"Huh? Could that be the Fuhrer already?" Riza asked as she looked up from her mopping and toward Roy's desk. She put down the mop and went over to answer it.
Hughes, Armstrong, and Roy looked over toward Riza. Roy smirked. Havoc had just reentered the room. He stared as well, curious as to what Riza reaction would be.
"Hello, this is the Lieutenant Colonel's office," she said as she talked into the old fashioned phone.
I'm Mary John the train hopping hobo! Come hop some trains with me! She heard a strange ranting on the other end as an annoying jungle started playing.
Get a job you bum, bum, bum, Bum! Money don't grow on trees you bum, bum, bum, Bum!
"Hmm..." Riza gave a little growl as an annoyed expression appeared on her face and her eyebrow just about twitched, but she held it back. It was her job to maintain her 'professional' appearance no matter what type of prank calls she received. She then hung up the phone and walked back over to her mop.
"Who was it?" Hughes asked. Just to see what her reaction would be.
"Just a mentally ill bum. He was going on and on about what a bum should do, but he himself is too much of a hobo to take him own advise," Riza replied. She had clearly never heard of Mary John the singing dancing hobo before.
"I see," Hughes replied. His face kept calm. He knew if he laughed and gave away the secret Roy would tie him down in a little closet, gag him so he couldn't scream, and make him listen to that song for hours and hours on end.
Havoc glanced over at Roy. He didn't think this plan was going to work. Riza didn't show any signs of going crazy.
It's only a matter of time. Roy answered Havoc's glance with a smirk, but was careful not to let Riza see. "Don't you just hate those hoboes?" Roy asked. "Oh well, come on Havoc, let's go get your window." he said as he put his boot on. It felt weird having a wet sock on, but he got over it.
"Yeah," Havoc replied. He didn't really care about the stupid window. He just wanted to get out of that room. All the tension and crazy ideas floating around were starting to get to him. He and Roy left the room again. This time they didn't return.
"They've been gone along time," Armstrong said after an hour and a half. Riza and Hughes were working quietly by the window. Their stopped every few minutes to stick their heads out to get a breath of fresh air. Since Roy took his boot back Armstrong began using his own. The smell in the room was so rancid and sour it made their eyes water.
"Lucky them," Hughes whispered to Riza as they leaned out the window. "Once they come back we make an excuse to leave. They can suffer in this disgusting stink."
Riza nodded in reply as they both took a deep breath then went back in to do more cleaning.
Brrrring!
Brrrring!
The phone rang again. This was the tenth time in the last hour.
"Riza, could you get that?" Hughes asked as he held his nose. Holding the dustpan in his ankles and sweeping the dirt into the pan with his free hand.
Brrrrring!
Riza walked over to the phone, her arms crossed over her chest. She picked up the phone with one hand, hoping it wasn't the God-forsaken hobo.
Hi, I'm Mary John th-. The voice was cut off as Riza hung up the phone, rather furiously. Her eyebrow really did twitch as her fists clenched. She then regained herself and turned her back to the phone.
Brrrring!
Brrrring!
"Grrrr…" Riza's muscles clenched with rage. "That hobo isn't gonna be hopping trains much longer if he keeps this up," she grumbled as she answered the phone.
Hi, I'm Mary John! Her amber eyes began to flame as she took a deep breath. "I have a job you bum, bum, bum BUM!" she shouted and hung up the phone. Somehow she always managed to suppress her anger enough that she was able to hang up the phone, not slam it. She stood staring at the phone for a few minutes. Once it didn't ring she gave a small 'good, I got him to shut up' smile and turned to go work again. She took a few steps toward Hughes.
Brrrrring!
Brrrrrring!
"Grrrrahh!" she sneered as her head snapped back at the phone. It was truly getting on her nerves and she was beginning to lose her 'professional' look. With how angry she was becoming, Hughes and Armstrong really didn't think she cared.
Brrrrrring!
She glared at the accursed phone. She quickly pulled out her pistol and took aim.
"RIZA, WAIT!" Hughes shouted when he saw what was about to happen. "IT COULD BE THE FUHRER!" If he had fixed the phone so no incoming calls could come in he would have let Riza shoot, but since he didn't make it that way he knew it really could be the Fuhrer, and they'd all get in major trouble if no one answered the Fuhrer's call.
Riza's eyes turned to look at him for a moment. She sighed knowing he was right and put her gun away. She then picked up the receiver.
Hi! I'm-.
Rring-Slam!
Riza then slammed the phone. She was about to walk away when she saw a sudden spark come out from under the desk. "Uh?" she asked as her annoyed angered expression turned to wonder. She went around to the other end of the desk and got down on her knees, looking at the combination of sparks and string.
Uh-oh. Hughes thought. She figured it out. Roy was right, it was only a matter of time.
"What's this?" she asked as she studied the cords. "Hughes, did the Lieutenant Colonel do this?" she asked as she looked over at the dark-haired Major.
"Uh!" Hughes stammered when Riza's gaze met his own. He quickly stuck his head out the window, pretending he didn't hear her.
"Huh?" Riza watched Hughes questionably then looked over at Armstrong.
"Hmm!" he quickly snapped back to his pounding, trying to avoid her gaze as well. Both of them knew Roy would kill them if they confessed.
Riza then turned back to the bottom on the desk. She studied the cords for a few minutes. Then she knew how the trick was done. A smirk appeared on her face. Oh Colonel, didn't you know? Revenge is so overrated.
AN: Hey guys, hope you like it. Just wanted to say that that, Get a job you bum, bum, bum ect... ect... song isn't mine. It's from Larry the Cable Guy. He's a comedian if you didn't know! Once again, don't sue me! Hope to see you in the next chapter!