Chapter 4

At the hospital Sam was laying in bed with Alex sitting in the chair next to her. He was watching a wrestling exclusive on NBC. His worry for her was short lived once she told him that she would be fine. He promised he would stay with her as long as he could. Sam regrettably told him that he would be staying with his father in a hotel in downtown Chicago and he was more than overjoyed. The only reason she agreed to Steve taking him was if he promised to stay in Chicago.

Alex's concentration was interrupted but his mother sighing deeply. He looked over and saw tears running down her face.

"Mom, what's wrong?" She turned to face him and smiled.

"I'm ok kiddo. I need to talk to you though." He turned off the TV and faced her. "When I was having surgery to fix the damage done in the accident they realized that I was carrying a baby." She watched him look at her in disbelief.

"Am I going to have a brother or sister?" He asked scornfully.

"No, when they found her, she was already gone. The doctor came in and talked to me just a few minutes before you got here. He told me that it would have been a girl. You would have had a sister."

"Are you sad about the baby?"

"Yeah. A part of me wanted to keep it just you and me forever, but the thought of having a baby with Luka was very…" she couldn't finish her sentence.

"I'm sorry mom. I would have liked to have had a baby sister."

"I just wish Luka were here, but I guess it's better that he's not. He blamed me for the miscarry."

"We were fine without him when we got here, we will be fine without him now." Alex said. It amazed her how he could be so grown up sometimes. There was a knock at the door. For a moment her heart stopped thinking it may be Luka but she remember that it would be impossible. It was Susan.

"Hey Sam, Alex. How are you feeling?" She asked her.

"I'm better. Alex why don't you go to the waiting room and finish watching your show?"

"Ok." He gave her a hug and left the room so the two women could talk.

"So have you heard from Luka?" Susan asked.

"No, a part of me thought he may call or something but I haven't heard from him since he left the hospital. I saw the look on his face. He was hurt but I'm still so furious with him! How could he think that I-" Susan cut her off.

"Sam I don't want to be banned from your room now, please calm down." Sam smiled. "I should tell you I followed him home. It took him a while to answer the door and when he did he couldn't stop himself from crying. He's a mess right now. A song came on the radio and he threw it against a wall." Sam didn't know what to say. The behavior confused her.

"What song was it?"

"I'm not sure. I heard a few words. It was like 'The spell was broken and I have to go…' Something like that, I've never heard it before."

"The Power of Goodbye. It was on the radio yesterday when we were leaving the therapist's office. I think that song upset him. When we got home was when we had our fight." Sam was glad to have Susan there to talk to. It made her feel better.

"What are you going to do when you get out of here?"

"I don't know. I don't know if I want to go back to his apartment. I want him to come to me if he still wants to be with me. I'm to hurt by his reaction to make the first move. Susan, I didn't know I was pregnant. I was late with my period and it wasn't as heavy, but the test was negative."

"I know Sam, you don't need to convince me of that. Those things are never conclusive. If you need to I can make some room at my place for you and Alex too to stay. I think you two need some time to think about this. I know it doesn't seem right and you want him to be with you while you recover but I honestly think if you're not with him it will help a lot. I don't know if he can emotionally handle your recovery." Sam didn't want to admit it but she knew Susan was right.

"I know, but I can't impose on you and Chuck. Not to mention I don't think I can handle being around Cosmo. I really appreciate the offer though. You know Steve is going to take Alex for me for a while. I only have the option of going home to Luka."

"I hate to say to but, I don't approve. I'm going to see if I can find someone for you to stay with anyway." Susan was concerned about Sam. Her biggest fear was that she would go back to him and they arguments would begin again and cause her more problems then she already has. She knew Luka was a good person and loved her dearly but the way he acted at the apartment left many questions in the back of her mind about how well he would be able to take care of her. The knock at the door interrupted their conversation. It was Dr. Mathis.

"Hello Sam. How are you feeling today?"

"Sore, but all things considered I'm ok I guess." She tried not to let her depression apparent to the doctor. She knew it was a useless cause.

"I need to keep you here at least one more day but I wanted to go ahead and talk to you about your follow up care." Susan took that as her cue to leave.

"I'll be downstairs, I'm on in a few minutes anyway. Call me if you need anything." She smiled warmly at Sam and left the room.

"There is one thing that I think we should discuss now before you leave. I'm concerned about the damage to your uterus during the accident and the miscarriage." He noticed her wince when he said that. "I'm concerned that you might not be able to carry children again and I wanted to know first before I ran the tests, are you considering it." She was taken aback.

"I don't know. I told him I didn't want to but that was when I thought I wasn't pregnant. It's changed everything for me. I don't know for sure. I think he deserves children but … I just…" She couldn't find the words she wanted.

"It's ok, I just needed to know if I should run more tests the see if it were even a possibility. I'll run them anyway so you will know." Just as he was about to finish his speech when his pager went off. "I'm sorry. I've got to take this. I'll come back and check on you. I'll get those tests ordered in the mean time."

"Thank you." She sighed. The thought of never being able to choose to have children with Luka depressed her even more. Deep down she did want to carry his children and live happily ever after with him but now that just didn't seem to be a possibility. She finally disobeyed her own promised to not make the first move. She reached over and grabbed the phone, dialing the seven numbers to the apartment.

"Hi! This is Luka, Sam, and Alex. Leave a message and we'll get back to you." She remembered when she recorded that message. He jokingly told her that they were unofficially married now. She figured he was sitting in the apartment ignoring the world. She knew him very well.

"Luka, it's me. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry. I didn't know I was pregnant. This hurts me as much as it does you. Dr. Mathis asked me if I wanted to have children again so he could decide what tests to run on me before I leave. I told him…" he heard her sigh and her voice break. He began to cry again. He couldn't take it anymore. He picked the phone up.

"What did you tell him?" He asked

"I told him that you deserved a family… but I didn't know if I could give that to you. I was scared when I took that test two weeks ago. I'm terrified that I'm going to raise another baby by myself. I know you wouldn't leave us but you have to understand." She sounded tired.

"Have you slept at all?" He changed the subject. Typical.

"No, I haven't slept since you left. I think they are going to give me something soon. You are avoiding this again. Please, talk to me."

"What do you want me to say? I am sorry I accused you of knowing about it. It kills me that we lost our baby. I don't think I could go through with that again."

"Luka, you don't want to have children with me?" she sounded hurt.

"I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I love you more than I thought I ever could. I don't know what else to say."

"I guess that's all you can say."

"Sam, two weeks ago you're telling me you don't want to have children and now suddenly you want me to decide on the spot if I want to be a father again. Yes, I do. But I don't know that I can emotionally handle it. It wouldn't be fair."

"Ok." A nurse walked into her room. "I need to go. I love you." She hung up quickly. He looked at the phone for a moment, confused by what had just happened. Were they ok now or was she still mad at him?

Two week later…

Reluctantly, Susan let Sam leave the hospital with Luka. Things had been on edge since he took her home. She hated the fact that her son wasn't with her. She didn't say much but he could tell that was weighing heavily on her mind. He didn't talk much, small talk about work mostly and how she was feeling, but other than that things had gone back to the way they were.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Luka asked. He heard her move to get comfortable on the couch.

"Sure, did you rent one?" She answered back. She wondered what it would take for him to be like he was when she was in the hospital. He was emotional, open, and vulnerable. She loved that side of him. Now, he was back to the way he was. 'Was he still grieving over the baby. I know I am' she thought to herself on many occasions.

"I rented a couple. I didn't know what you were in the mood for. I got Resident Evil if you want an action/horror movie. The Notebook if you wanted a romance movie, and Saving Private Ryan for another action movie." He placed the three movies in front of her allowing her to choose.

"I don't like zombie movies and I've seen Saving Private Ryan five times to many with Alex around. He loves war movies. So I guess that leaves us with The Notebook. I'm sorry, I know it's a chick flick." She giggled slightly. It was weird. Since she had gotten out of the hospital every move she made seemed to hurt worse than when she was there. The pain was etched on her face. He was at her side in a second.

"Are you ok?" It was probably the tenth time he'd asked her today. She didn't mind his concern but it was getting annoying.

"I'm never going to tell a patient that having surgery is just an in and out procedure again." She tried to laugh it off but it was getting worse. The doctors gave her Loritabs for the pain but she tried to use them only when it became unbearable.

"Do you need anything?" She hadn't really moved from the spot on the couch since she had made it home. She didn't sleep in bed with him because it was to hard for her to move. Sure he had offered carry her to the bedroom and he would sleep on the couch but she refused to put him out, no matter how persistent he was. He finally realized it was a losing battle with her.

"I think I need my pain pills. My stomach fills like it's on fire." She was trying hard not to cradle her abdomen.

"OK." He kissed her forehead and got up to retrieve her medications. He was worried about her. He'd never seen someone recover from a surgery. He realized that this was normal but she was the love of his life and he hated to see her in pain. Anything he could do to make her more comfortable, he was willing to do. He decided long ago that he would die for her.

"I'm going to put the movie in." He quickened his pace. He hated when she decided to do things on her own. She was adamant about recovering as quickly as possible, being waited on hand and foot was not one of her favorite things, but he was terrified. She was so fragile.

"No, I'll get it. Just hang on a second."

"You know Luka, I'm fully capable of doing this myself! I don't need you to put a movie in the DVD player."

"I just don't want you to hurt yourself." Luka's concern was growing in his voice.

"I wont! I told you! I'm not a doll! I won't break!" He could hear the anger in her voice. She needed to calm down.

"Sam please, just sit down. You can't get so excited." He emerged from the kitchen with a glass of water and two pills. "Take these." He took the movie from her hands. She was angry but he knew she would get over it. Or so he thought.

"Fine." She took the pills and threw the rest of the water at him. He turned to her in shock. "I don't need help with everything! I may be in pain but if I don't get up and do something around here I'm going to go crazy! I've been sitting on that couch for a week. It's ridiculous. When you are at work I don't have you here to hold my hand while I get a drink of water and search the apartment for whatever you have done with the remote! I can move about on my own!"

"Sam, you had major surgery! You should be resting! The staples are still in!" He tried to move her back to the couch. This infuriated her more.

"I'm never going to get better if I can't do things for myself. I know you had to go back to work and I'm glad you did."

"Then let me take care of you when I get home. You can do things for yourself when I'm not here. Small things, but just relax. You're a nurse. You know how these things work." His voice was calming. She never could figure out how he seemed to make her anger disappear like that. 'Must be that voice and his damn good looks' she would tell herself.

"Fine." She slumped down on the couch trying her best to look like she was still pissed. He made a good argument. He put the movie in the DVD player and pressed play. Grabbing a blanket, he turned off the lights and placed it over her and settled down next to her.

The movie was sad to say the least. Sam watched intently as the old man continued telling the older woman the love story between two people that were swept off their feet in a summer romance. Sometime during the movie she painfully moved closer to Luka and put her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arm around his. Luka looked down at her and smiled, again thanking God that she was still with him.

As the movie began to close Luka could hear Sam weeping silently. The older man in the movie was the young boy in the story he ran to the older woman, and she was the young girl. The story ended with Allie, the young girl, choosing Noah, the young boy, over the man her family approved of for her. The Noah was reading their story to Allie every day in hopes of her remembering him, even if for just five minutes. Luka was amazed that movies like this could make even him feel like crying. When they died together, in bed in the nursing home and the credits rolled Sam sat up slowly wiping her eyes.

"That was terrible. If I ever get like that I don't want to be put through that day in and day out." Sam concluded. "I've seen people come in the Alzheimer's and I never really think that that is what they may be going through, and that's what their family goes through." Luka kissed her forehead.

"I would do that for you." He said sincerely. "Even for just five minutes with you, I would do it." She watched him closely. She couldn't believe anyone would do that for her.

"Really?"

"Of course. I love you Sam. You are everything I have left in this world. When I thought my life was over, when I was ready to head back to Africa to the only place in the world I thought I was needed, you and Alex walked into my life and made me see everything differently. I haven't been this happy since I was living in Croatia with my wife and children." Sam was crying again.

"Luka." She wanted to hug him but he pain medication was wearing off.

"Wait right here. I'll be right back." He got up and left the room. She was confused but obeyed.

He walked back into the living room with a small envelope in his hands. He sat down next to her, a tear ran down his face. Sam didn't know what to think.

"Danjiela and I had been together since high school. After graduation I took her to a private place that she and I would go to talk. It was there that I asked her to marry me. I gave her a small ¼ carrot diamond ring that I couldn't afford. We were married soon after that." He opened the envelope and pulled out the ring. "When she died the coroner gave it back to me. My heart was broken. I placed it in the envelope and put it away. I didn't want to see it because it was a reminder of how my life was ruined. But now, I don't see things that way. I see this ring as a future that I now know for sure that I want. That I want to spend with you." She was speechless. She knew what was coming but after everything that they had been through she didn't know if she was ready for this.

"I want you to have it. I want to marry you, Sam. These past two weeks I've had a lot to think about. That phone call from the hospital when you told me you might not be able to have children again ripped my heart out of my chest again. The news that followed helped get me through this. I know you don't have plans to have children right now and that's ok, but now that we know it is possible it's something we can think about later on. Either way I know that I want you to marry me. Please, say you'll marry me Sam." He concluded his proposal. She was crying hard.

"Luka, I…I want to, but this seems wrong." His heart sank in his chest. "I don't think I can just yet." That was all he needed to hear. He had opened his heart to her and she denied him. It was the last thing he had expected to hear.

"Ok," He sighed heavily. "I'm sorry." He got up from the couch and began to walk back to his bedroom with the envelope.

"Luka wait. I don't think you understand."

"What is there to understand. You're not ready for this. I thought you were. I'm sorry." He again began his retreat.

"Are you going to give up so easily?" This made him stop and turn back to her.

"You want me to beg you to marry me. I already spilled my heart to you what more do you want? You wanted communication, I gave it to you. I've been there with you from the start. Every time Steve showed back up I was there for you when you needed me to be. I stopped him from taking your son away from you and now I have to live with the fact that he hates me for it, but yet I still want us to be a family. I don't know what else you want."

"I know, Luka, I do. Marriage is a huge step for us. I just don't know if its something we are ready for." Sam was doing her best to keep from jumping off the couch and running to him and embracing the man she loved so much, no matter how badly it would hurt her.

"That's all I needed to hear. I'll wait. Until you believe WE are ready." He turned back and went to bed closing to door behind him. His thoughts were running to wild for him to keep up with. He did all he could to fight off the sorrow that was consuming his heart, but it was a losing battle. He collapsed on the bed and cried. The first time since he brought her home. It would be a long night.