Chapter 6
Back at the hospital, Luka was nervous after tonight with Sam. She looked upset. He was more afraid of her leaving him than anything. He still loved her more than anything and still wanted them to be a family but she made that clear that that was not what she wanted right now.
He looked at the clock. 'Off in 15 minutes. With any luck a trauma won't come in' he thought to himself, returning that thought with 'but how often does that happen around here.'
Amazingly, nothing major happened with any of his cases, the patient with cramps turned out to have a ovarian cyst and was taken to surgery, but nothing critical came in that he was called into. Sam walked back into the ER and immediately caught Luka's gaze. He was handing off his cases to a very unqualified Morris, but he had no other choice. She smiled to him and motioned that she would be in the lounge waiting for him.
He finished with his cases and said his goodnights to the evening shift and headed for the lounge. His heart was racing. He had no idea what to expect about tonight but something in him told him that whatever it was it was going to change his life forever. He walked in and found Sam sitting on the couch waiting for him.
"Hey, how was your shift?" She asked breaking the silence.
"It was ok. Nothing major, just a woman with an ovarian cyst, a man that thought the mob was after him for getting shot by a 'black man in his twenties' and a baby…" he trailed off. He hated seeing infants, now more than ever, but he also hated talking to Sam about them. It reminded them both of the daughter they lost. She understood.
"You ready to get out of here?"
"Yeah, where did you have in mind?" He asked.
"Actually, I thought we could just go back to the apartment and talk. I have a lot I need to get off my chest." As if it were even anymore possible, Luka's heart began to beat harder. He nodded and got his coat out of his locker. When he was ready he grabbed her hand and headed for the door.
On the way to the apartment the car was filled with silence. Sam didn't know what to say or how she would say she needed to say to him. The whole way home she thought about how their conversation would go.
Luka, who was driving, also didn't know what to say. He chose to remain silent like he did in most situations. He absentmindedly flipped through the radio to find something decent on. He finally stopped on a station that he frequently listened to.
"Looking back at me I see that I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you,
I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win.
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong like a drug that gets me high…
What I really meant to say,
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so,
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold.
Luka listened to the lyrics, he'd heard someone playing this song once in the hospital. One of the nurses brought a CD player to work and played a variety of songs for the people at admit. At the time it was a nice break from the screaming and complaining of patients. It seemed to keep the mood light. He looked over at Sam momentarily, she was nodding to the beat of the music. He liked this song. It seemed to fit somehow.
"Cold to you, I'm sorry about all the lies,
Maybe in a different life
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause' now I can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high…
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so,
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am."
Sam listened to words of the song, humming quietly to herself. This was one of her favorites. She played her Crossfade CD a lot, but she had never heard this version before. It was acoustic and she liked it better.
"I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things I should have known
I guess for me there's just no hope,
I never meant to be so cold."
Finally they pulled up to the apartment. Luka let the rest of the song play before he turned it off. Sam smiled in appreciation. She sang the last chorus. When the song was over they got out of the car and headed up to the apartment. He opened the door for her and they walked in, turning on the lights.
"You want something to drink?" He asked her.
"Yeah, do you have any vodka? I could kinda use a drink right now." She smiled at him. She was so nervous. Something to take the edge off sounded great. He laughed silently.
"You want it in coke like you like it?" he asked. Her favorite was vodka and coke. He never really knew why. He didn't like it that much. The coke deluded the vodka.
"Yeah, that's fine. You going to have anything?" She asked. She never liked drinking along.
"No, not right now. Maybe a little later." He made her drink and brought it to her. She was sitting on the couch waiting for him to return. He handed the drink to her and sat down on the couch beside her. "So what's up?" he asked, breaking the silence.
"I wanted to talk about that night," She looked down at her drink. 'the hell with it' she picked up the glass and took a drink. "The night that you asked me to marry you." She said. He looked down.
"What is there to talk about?" He asked. "You said you weren't ready for it." He stabbed her heart. She remembered that night like it was yesterday.
"I know, look Luka, I think I was wrong." His head shot up and he looked up at her. He was never more in love with her than he was at that moment. She was looking at him, ready to bear her heart and soul to him. She was beautiful.
"You were wrong?" He couldn't believe things had turned around like this. A few hours ago he was afraid that she was going to leave him. He thought that that was what this was for. She was going to tell him that her and Alex were leaving. That wasn't the case. She wanted to be with him. His heart was jumping.
"I talked to Alex today. He said that he liked the idea of having a father figure in his life. I was so concerned with how he would react to this that I had to talk to him first."
"It took you three months to talk to him about it. Sam I thought you didn't love me. I thought you were planning on leaving me. It broke my heart."
"I know, I'm so sorry Luka. I never wanted you to think that. I love you. I've never felt this way about anyone in my life other than my son. Everyday I think about you. I think about what hurts you, I think about what if something were to happen to you. I think about what would happen if I lost you. I don't know what I would do. I don't know what Alex and I would do without you. I want you to ask me again. If you still want to marry me ask me again."
"Sam," Luka sighed. "I meant what I said that night. I love you more than I ever thought I could. After Danjiela died I thought I would spend the rest of my life alone. I thought that God was punishing me for not being able to save my family." A tear ran down his face. "When I met you I didn't know what I did to deserve someone like you." He reached in his pocket and pulled out the ring. He looked at it for a long moment and then back at Sam. "I want to marry you Sam, I want to spend my life with you." He looked at her again, more confident than last time. He already knew what she was going to say. She smiled.
"Yes, Luka. I want to marry you." She was crying again. She seemed to do that a lot lately but she didn't mind it too much. He put the right on her finger and kissed her softly. She savored the moment. The kiss was soft but the passion was there. She pressed her lips against his harder, deepening the kiss. She heard him moan softly.
Luka was amazed. He was engaged to marry her. For the first time since in Croatia he felt like he was about to scream in complete joy. When she intensified the kiss he learned her back on the couch so he was lying above her. The air around them was electric. He couldn't remember a time that kissing her felt this great. It was all he could do to keep control of himself. He wanted it to be right. He would let her decide what would happen. Her hands made their way under his shirt and across his back. His mind was racing as well as his pulse. The last thing he remembered that night was the feel of her hands undoing his belt buckle. The rest of the night was clouded in his mind by an exotic haze