A/N: I got this chapter done a little earlier than I thought I would. It comes from a combination of the weekend coming, a good night's sleep, and a bunch of Saiyuki pictures that I found while on the internet. Oh, and from ordering Saiyuki Reload volume two. The release day is the 13th of this month, but I put it on holda little early. Once I read it...I'm sure I will have a bit more inspiration for more one-shot type of things.

Anyway, here is the last real chapter. It switches back to present tense, just like the first chapter.

Note: Errors in this chapter have already been fixed, thanks to DitchGospel.

Letting Go

Silence

Three men sit in a jeep, each occupied by his own thoughts. There is a red haired man driving, oddly silent. A boy, who is silent as well. And a man with golden hair who also follows this pattern, his arms crossed before him and his eyes watching the surroundings as they pass.

He sits there, almost uncomfortable in the silence. He is not used to the silence, despite the fact that it seemed to be one of the things that he longed for. Every so often he will move, either turning his head or simply letting his eyes fall onto the forms of his companions. They are all silent. And he isn't the type to speak more than he needs to.

The past week, the past days, they all merge together in his mind. It is in his nature to forget. At least, that is what he tells himself. He'll just shut it all out, push the memories away. Eventually they won't bother him anymore. They will only come back on rainy nights. It is strange, so strange, how rain seems to be one of the only things that can make him remember things. The only thing that can break through the self-made barriers in his mind.

Sanzo draws in a breath, glancing out the side of the jeep. The entire incident, where Hakkai had died…it was such an eerie replay of what had happened all those years ago. Youkai, rain, blood…all so similar.

Maybe that is why it hurts so much when he thinks about it. Maybe it hurts because it makes him remember things that he doesn't want to.

But deep in his mind, he knows that isn't true. He knows it isn't that. Or, at least, that is only part of it.

It's because…it's because…

He still doesn't know. He can't place it. All he knows is that he's felt like shit for the past days, the past weeks, or however long it has been since the incident. And even though he has tried, he can't forget. It's still there, fresh in his mind. He can still see Hakkai fall, still see the blood spatter the ground.

He glances down at his robes for a moment. There, on the hem, are several stains. Dark red stains thatare beginning to turn black. His stomach roils as he remembers what had happened, how he had seen Hakkai fall and leapt forward. There had been a gunshot…he had fired it. He had tried to catch Hakkai as the man fell. Had tried, but hadn't. These stains, this blood—

He draws in a sharp breath, tearing his eyes away. He'll have to wash it. Get them out. Or find new robes, ones that aren't stained with…with Hakkai's blood.

He bites down on the inside of his cheek. He has to stop thinking about it. The more he thinks, the closer he gets to…to showing something that he doesn't want to. Besides, he already…he already…he…

He can't even admit to himself that he cried. But he's already…he's done that. He shouldn't need to again. That should have been enough to let the pain and hurt and grief go. It should have been enough.

He's not like Goku. He can never show his emotions that freely.

He's not like Gojyo. He has responsibilities; he can't let himself get drunk to wash the pain and memories away.

He's Sanzo. And he doesn't cry, doesn't laugh, doesn't smile. Though even if he did, the last two would be hard to do at the moment.

There's a movement next to him and he looks over. Gojyo has glanced at him, his red eyes seeming to search Sanzo's face for something.

Sanzo lets his mouth twist as he glares at the kappa.

"Get your eyes on the road. Make sure you don't kill us, you fucking kappa."

Gojyo shakes his head, as though clearing his mind of something, then looks back at the road. He doesn't put up a fight, doesn't start an argument. He just…accepts it.

His shoulder is bandaged. Goku didn't do that great a job on it, using far too much cloth to wrap the wound. But he did bandage it and he knew how. It had surprised Sanzo, though he hadn't shown t. It had surprised Gojyo as well. Sanzo knew this because the kappa was far too open with is feelings, even if he didn't show as much as Goku.

Then his mind takes the inevitable turn back to the subject he has been trying to avoid and has to force himself not to feel anything. He tries to block it all out.

Why does it hurt so much? The silence? It shouldn't; it's what he has wanted for so, so long.

He lets his mind go for a moment, and a moment only. In that moment, he realizes something. The silence is only there because he is gone. If he were here, if none of this had ever happened, then it would be loud. Gojyo and Goku would be sitting in the back, fighting and yelling, making Sanzo stand up and hit them with his fan. Or shoot at them. And Hakkai would sit there, calmly driving along, laughing at the antics of all of them.

He would have thought that it would only be this quiet if they got rid of Goku. Or Gojyo. Or both. But all they had had to do was take away Hakkai and it all went as silent as a grave.

Had he really mattered that much? Had their group been so dependent on Hakkai that it would fall apart if he weren't there?

Sanzo knew that it was falling apart. Or it already had, and Goku had managed to salvage it. At least, he had salvaged part of it. It would never, ever be the same again. Even were they to find some dark haired man who laughed and smiled at almost everything, who wore a monocle and was overly polite, it wouldn't be the same.

It makes him feel weak. So, so weak. To know that his world had depended on Hakkai being there shake him to the core. No; he was already shaken to the core. He was already coming apart at the seams, just as the group was.

He didn't have it in him to think that it was just the same for the others. He wasn't able to realize that the loss of any one of them would have done the same thing to the group. He won't let his mind come anywhere near that idea. For now, all he has is his delusions about his supposed unattachment. He says that he doesn't care; he won't even call them his friends. He distances himself as best he can, tries to put up a wall between him and them.

He thinks that it works. He thinks that he doesn't care. He thinks that they mean absolutely nothing to him, and even after all of this he clings to this notion so desperately. He's been like this for so long…what else is there for him to do? Let the walls shatter, let himself fall apart? He can't do that, and he won't do that. It isn't who Sanzo is.

He can't let himself fall apart. He has to get to India. He has to stop this resurrection. He has to reclaim his master's sutra. Then he can…he can…

He still doesn't know. He still has no idea what he will do when it is all over. Nothing can go back to how it was, no matter how hard he or anyone else tries. Nothing can undo what has happened.

Silence.

There's only silence around him now. Even the wind doesn't seem to make any noise. Gojyo's silent, Goku's silent, Sanzo's silent.

It's going to drive him insane.

He takes a pack of cigarettes out of his robes and taps one out. Sets it between his lips, then flicks open his lighter and lights it. Inhales the smoke, like he has done so many times before.

Damn it. It doesn't help at all. Not at all.

When they get to India he's going to find out who started this whole damned project. Whoever it is…whoever the hell started it all is going to answer to him. He'll put a bullet hole through their head and then he'll smile as they fall to the ground and die. He might even laugh as he watches the blood spill across the ground.

He thinks he knows what he will do after that. He'll go somewhere and just let himself fall apart. Until then, until the whole journey is over, he'll just bottle it up inside. Hopefully, by the time that it is all over, he will forget. Then he won't have to deal with anything. It will all be gone, locked away inside.

Memories. Memories and silence. He wants them to stop, wants them to go away. Maybe…maybe the sound would drive away the memories. Maybe if he lets himself get angry, lets himself yell at the two others that ride in the jeep…maybe then his memories will die. Curl up in his mind and die, leaving nothing behind.

For the first time, he wishes for noise. Yelling and arguments and annoying words from Goku. But there is no way that he will tell them that they can start talking.

He leans back in his seat, relaxing as best he can. He hasn't even realized how tense he has become.

There are a lot of things that he hasn't realized. Just as he never realized how much he liked, how much he needed the noise.

Something needs to break the silence. Something, anything.

But that day, as the three men headed west, there wasn't a single sound to save him. Nothing.

Silence.

A/N2: All right. It's done. Just one more post, in about a week. I'll put up the alternate chapter 3, which is from Hakkai's point of view (on the assumption that Gojyo was dead). I sort of did tell my reasons in this chapter, behind my choice. And I'm pretty sure that a number of you have figured out my reasoning...

But I'm going to tell you as best I can, anyway.

First, so many people do Sanzo Goku sort of things. Also, I had always like the idea of Goku being the one to pull the group back together. So chapter two was always intended to be from Goku's point of view. At the time I posted it, I was toying with the idea of having Gojyo be the one who died. It was different, and one wouldn't really think Sanzo would miss him. I personally think that he would have. It at least would have messed him up a bit. Book eight (and the Reload anime, as I have been told) contains a nice little part where Gojyo leaves the group. Everyone continues onward, though everything is...off. Even Hakkai gets into a tense and pretty creepy mood. As a note, I've heard that the whole arc where that happens never appeared in the anime.

But, I eventually decided on Hakkai. I liked writing about Gojyo's way of going through grief, so I kept him.

I suppose most of this story comes through my personal opinions on how they would deal with death. And no matter what Sanzo says, he is attached to the group, in one way or another.

Raven