A/N: Well, here it is. The alternate chapter 3, where Hakkai is alive and Gojyo is dead. I didn't follow with this because...well, things would not have turned out the same, and writing for Gojyo proves to be very interesting.
I would like to thank all of you for reading this. Also, I would like to thank those of you who reviewed. I am glad that you enjoyed it, seeing my take on how the boys would react with death.
I was asked if I would do a sequel, showing what happened after the journey was done. I may, but that will be in a long time. I have been neglecting my other stories, and I need to finish them up. I also have a few other large fan fiction projects, as well as some things that are for other purposes. I may write the sequel at some point, though.
Well, enjoy the 'what would have been'.
Letting Go
Selfish
Again. It was happening again. And he had been just as helpless to stop it—no, he had been less helpless, though he still hadn't been able to save him.
His hands tightened on the steering wheel, turning white as he gripped it. He felt as though his grip on the wheel was the only thing allowing him to hold onto reality.
Last time he had lost someone he had…he had gone almost insane with grief. He didn't want that to happen again.
After all, he was the one who had to hold the group together. They'd just lost Gojyo; what would happen if they could no longer rely on Hakkai? Well, he was almost positive that Sanzo would be able to deal with it, but Goku…the poor boy wouldn't make it.
He had to hold on. For Goku.
He stopped the jeep outside of an inn, waiting silently as the other two unloaded their things. Then, ever so slowly, he removed his hands from the steering wheel, taking deep breaths as he did so.
Somehow, he managed to hold on to himself.
As he walked towards the inn, leading the other two, Hakuryu changed back into his dragon form and flew to Hakkai's shoulder, trying to lend comfort in the form of coos and quiet cheeps.
Hakkai reached up and touched the dragon's head, running his fingers down his neck. While it didn't help him as much as he needed, this little creature was there for him.
"Thank you, Jeep," he whispered, answered only by Hakuryu butting his head against his fingers, cooing.
Several laborious steps, then he was at the desk. An older man stood behind it, looking up and smiling. "Hello, how may I help you?"
Hakkai smiled, though his face felt strained, as though it were about to break and shatter into a thousand pieces. He didn't want that; his mask was the one thing that kept him from falling apart. If that broke…
Sanzo was a bit like that. Hakkai realized that. They really were far too similar. They hid behind masks; Sanzo's a cold, harsh one, and Hakkai behind a pleasant and smiling one.
Hakkai looked back at his companions. His friends. The remaining two. "How many rooms do you have available?"
The man glanced back at the rack of keys on the wall. "We have one; will that be all right?"
Hakkai nodded. "Yes, that will do. How much?"
So he paid, took the key from the man's hand. He looked to his friends again. Goku, the ever cheerful boy, looked so downtrodden. He looked how Hakkai felt inside. Derelict, despondent, and weary.
He felt so tired. So, so tired. He just wanted to lie down and sleep, hoping that those moments when he wasn't awake could take away some of the pain.
Hakkai laughed inwardly. He knew that it wouldn't. At best, he would only dream of his friend. At worst, he would relive the death. Just as it had been for weeks and weeks, months upon months after Kanan's death.
Was it all the same? Was it all happening again?
He couldn't fall apart. He wouldn't fall apart. Cry? Yes. Comfort the others? Yes. But would he let himself fall entirely apart, release his other half? No. He couldn't afford to do that.
He supposed that there were differences between the two deaths. With Kanan…he had no one left, once she was gone. It had only been her, she had been the only thing that kept him grounded. When she was gone…
Now Goku and Sanzo were there. He had to remain strong, for them.
They reached the room, and Goku instantly went to one of the beds and curled up. There were only two beds, however. Hakkai closed his eyes, sighing.
"Sanzo…you can take that one. I will just make do with the floor."
Sanzo nodded once, sitting down near the window, pulling out a pack of cigarettes. Hakkai's eyes narrowed, then he set his things down on the ground, turning on his heels.
"Where are you going?"
Hakkai glanced back. "Groceries. We need them."
He didn't really want to go out and get them, but he left either way.
He knew that Sanzo was trying to hide it. Trying to hide how hurt he was by the entire thing. No matter how many times the priest had yelled at the kappa, shot at him, threatened him, it still hurt to lose him. He had noticed, when the priest came back from the grave, how there was a hint of redness around his eyes.
It was good for the man to cry.
Hakkai had let out his grief during the burial. The pain of losing someone, of losing another, it had nearly torn him apart.
And not only that, it had brought up unwanted memories. It had caused him to deal with Kanan's death all over again.
Was it all coming full circle?
Was it?
When Kanan had died, Gojyo had been there. Not right away, but he had been the one to bring him back from the edge of death. And now…now Gojyo was gone. Hakkai wondered if that would make him fall back to how he was right after her death.
He wondered what was going to happen to him.
His legs felt leaden and his head hurt. The streets were far too noisy, far too cheerful.
He wanted to get away, if only for a few moments. To drop the mask again, to show all that pain that he had hidden away inside of himself.
His steps carried him through the streets, towards the outskirts of town. Soon, there was no one around. Not one soul, except for a small old woman working in a garden. Hakkai smiled at her, tipping his head, then turning the other way, facing east.
And let the mask drop.
There was no visible change to his body, and no one saw his face. But if they had…
His eyes turned cold, harsh, and his mouth became a thin line.
It was easier for him this way. If only he didn't feel like he had to smile.
But that was how he was. That was what his friends expected him to do. But he just couldn't always be like that.
Gojyo had understood. At least, to some extent. Enough that he would leave him alone when he asked. He could be annoying most of the time, but he respected Hakkai enough to let him be alone.
He could have saved him. He could have. He could have healed him. If he had only been a split second faster. If only there hadn't been more youkai attacking.
If only, if only, if only. What did it matter? Trying to think logically, trying to think like someone looking in from an unbiased point…he couldn't have saved him. He hadn't known that Gojyo had been injured until he had heard the scream. He didn't have enough time.
He didn't have to blame himself.
But he did. What else could he do? Lay the blame on Sanzo, or Goku? He wasn't like that. Lay it on Gojyo?
No. Never. The dead were not…it was not Gojyo's fault that he was now dead.
Everything was just so…dead. Empty. He felt it while in the jeep, he felt it now. Without Gojyo…
Without Gojyo, what would happen to all of them?
He wondered. He really did. Would things stay together, or would they fall apart?
Could he keep them all together?
He hoped that he could. He hoped that now, having two friends there to support him, he wouldn't lose himself.
He didn't want to lose himself again. Selfish, yes. It was selfish, and he knew it. But he still…
He didn't want to lose himself.
A/N2: Hakkai is quite a hard character to write, and it all depends on what spin you are taking on his character.
Anyway, that is it. It's over. Hope you enjoyed it.
Raven