"There's a patient in room 442," Cameron said huskily.

House blinked. "Why are you talking like that?"

"Uh… I don't know… I LOVE YOU."

"Wilson would be devastated!"

"About what?" Wilson asked as he walked around the corner.

"Cameron has confessed her love for me," House stated matter-of-factly.

Wilson looked saddened. "But... I love you, House!"

"Well, too bad. I'm far too in love with Chase to care for either of you."

Foreman walked into the office just as House admitted his love for Dr. Chase. "Er… As the combination sane person-slash-token Black guy, I'm wondering if we should be working on healing the sick, seeing how this is a hospital!"

Cuddy looked into the room. "Well, I'll give you all the day off to figure out your various love interests. But only today. So figure out fast."

Foreman looked relieved. "Good. Then the normal protocol while on duty is off?"

"As long as you're relatively civilized—"

Foreman turned and looked directly at House, his expression suddenly murderous. "You stay away from Chase, you cranky old whore. He's mine."

"Hey! Don't call House a cranky whore!" Cameron shouted. "He's a very nice person, deep down, I'm sure of it. And my fluffy sugar-coated soul will reveal his inner chocolate bunny!"

"I want nothing of your cotton candy interior. My rotten heart belongs to my one and only friend, James Wilson. He gives me his chips every day and I respect that! So now I want to take him to Vegas for a truly illegal bonding ceremony and live out our lives happily in Sweden."

Wilson giggled. Foreman looked confused just as Chase entered the office, which was getting rather full now that all six of the main characters were within its walls.. "But didn't you just admit your love for Chase?"

"Wilson is hotter."

Chase gasped, "Hey! My surfer-boy charm, blond hair, and stylish accent makes me way hotter than Wilson. You should pick me. I'm Australian."

"So? Anyone can fake an Australian accent! Do you share your chips?"

"I would have chips, if I lowered myself to eating in this dingy rathole of a hospital! I eat at fancy restaurants."

Cameron suddenly stopped gazing lovingly at House and turned to Chase. "You mean, you're rich?"

"Of course I am! Can't you tell?"

Suddenly Cameron pointed at Chase. "I love him now!" she alerted to the room, who really didn't care either way because they were all busy staring at each of their own love interests. She jumped towards Chase and looked at him like one of those weird glassy-eyed anime people. "I knew there was a reason I had sex with you!"

"Yeah, and you almost gave me an STD. So I'm in love with… Er, Cuddy."

Cuddy looked at Chase, "But we've hardly had more than one conversation. None of which were outside the office."

Chase shrugged, "Everyone else was taken already."

"I feel loved."

Foreman looked at Chase pointedly, "I wasn't taken. No one likes me. I just stand in the background and play target to House's sarcastic remarks."

House shook his head and tapped his cane on the desk he was sitting on, making a loud bang and causing everyone to stop bickering and shut up. "Okay, who was it that was in love with who again?"

Wilson shrugged, "I think I was in love with you… or Cameron."

"Chase is in love with Cuddy."

Foreman shook his head, "No, Chase is in love with House!"

"Alright, so Cameron is in love with Chase, right?"

"And Foreman is in love with Wilson."

"And is Cuddy in love with anyone?"

Everyone turned and looked at Cuddy, who shrugged. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. Whoever guesses closest, I'll pick them to love."

"Five!"

"Three!"

"Eleven!"

House rolled his eyes. "Chase, it's one through ten. You're not the brightest wombat in the outback, are you?"

"Sorry. Six."

"Er… Eight."

"It was five! I'm in love with Cameron!"

"Hey, a girl-on-girl fanfiction. There's a change."

"Or maybe I'm actually in love with Foreman."

"Well, that didn't last too long."

"Or maybe…" Cuddy thought deeply. "Maybe I love both of them!"

"DUN DUN DUN!"

"Chase, don't do that," House said irritably. He was rather confused on who he loved at the moment, and it was giving him a headache. "It's almost as if you think you're living in a television show."

Chase grinned, "I am! And in reality, you're a rather nice English actor."

Everyone laughed, which made House's headache worse. He popped a Vicodin into his mouth and inspected the bottle. "Aha! I've realized who I love!"

"Who?" Everyone said simultaneously.

"My Vicodin. Duh."

And then the Men in White Coats came and took all the workers of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital away. And begged everyone to stop encouraging horrible relationship insanity with various ludicrous shipper-pairings. Goodbye.