Always the voices in my head. I see the street, with the remnants James' and Lily's house in the distance. Peter, accusing me of killing them, the little traitor, but in my heart I know what he says is true. Peter…
No. Mustn't think of Peter. He will only make you worse. Something not happy, not sad to think of is what I need. Something the dementors can't take. But I do not find it, and the thoughts of that night come over me like a wave.
Little baby Harry. For an instant I remember the joy I had when I first saw him, but in another instant the dementors have sucked it up within them. Now I remember the last time I saw him. In Hagrid's arms, all wrapped up in a blanket, a tender pink scar cursing his forehead forever. I give Hagrid my motorbike, the love of my life, because I know it will help Harry. Anything to help Harry. Harry's big now, at Hogwarts. I mourn for Harry, for he never knew his parents.
I look out of my tiny barred window. It is the full moon. I always know when it is the full moon. I think of Moony. What does he do without a stag and a dog to balance him out? How does he get through his transformations?
I howl for Moony. I think of his pain, his sorrow. No one should go through that. I remember his cries, his blood on the floor of the Shrieking Shack. Moony thinks I'm guilty. The wolf feels betrayed. The dog mourns for the wolf, who has no one to comfort him.
I can hear my mother's screams. She is calling me a blood traitor. I think of my cousin Andromeda. Her child is now grown, the mischievous Metamorphmagus, I used to call her. They feel betrayed now, too.
I have hurt so many people. No. Peter has hurt so many people. The fiend, the sneak, the rat. The rat. The rat who pushed the knot on the Whomping Willow. I should have stomped on him, and no one would have been hurt.
It is Peter, not me, who should be here in Azkaban. Peter who hurt all these people, Peter who betrayed. It is Peter who keeps me sane, Peter who keeps me alive. Because with every thought of Peter I know I am innocent, and he is not.