A Smashy Amazing Race

by Hoogiman

COMPLETE! With all teams neckandneck, quick fire from Falcon and Donkey Kong takes them to the lead. However, Peach and Bowser manage to creep to second place, and with a dead heat at the last clue, it will be closer than ever. Who will win?

10. Final Leg: Mushroom Kingdom

This is it. The final leg.

"Last time on a Smashy Amazing Race, twelve teams departed from Smash Mansion, on a race around the Nintendo Universe!" said Master Hand.
"Some teams took the race seriously…" said Master Hand.
"DON'T…" shouted Samus, forcing a crowbar into the front window of Mario and Luigi's convertible.
"RAM…" continued Samus, throwing a brick forcing Mario's cap off.
"YOUR CAR…" continued Samus, lighting a stick of dynamite and throwing it into Mario's car.
"INTO…" growled Samus, ramming the taxi into the other car.
"OUR…" continued Samus, while hitting Luigi with a saucepan.
"CAR!" shrieked Samus. Mario and Luigi's car blew up, and fell into a river right near the road.
"Some teams took it so seriously, that they would take it out on each other…"
"JUST SHUT UP!" said Nana. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?"
"I HATE YOU, NANA!" said Popo.
"While some teams took this not so seriously…"
(Introduction Melody)
Link: You can talk,
Jiggly: I can talk!
Though my voice is made by Spork™,
I can walk around happily!
Link: You can walk?
Jiggly: I can walk,
I can trot around and talk,
When I sing to a melody,
"…and some decided to buy things…"
"It's a universal remote control…" said Kirby.
"Stupid-o-meter…" said Kirby.
"…I-Pad…"
"…magic 8 Ball…"
"While some used it as an opportunity to teach!"
"Well, Ganondorf hasn't properly prepared the muffins, his hands are dirty, and he hasn't taken out the syringes! This is not a properly prepared treat, Jigglypuff!" said Link.
"Eliminated teams tried to stuff up the results!"
"Well if it isn't Mrs. Push Falco out of a window?" said Falco. "Well guess what, Jigglypuff, I'm going to kill you!"
"Some teams were victorious…"
"Yeah!" shouted Mewtwo.
"Woohoo!" shouted Ness.
"Yeah!" said Kirby.
"Woo!" shouted Kirby.
"Come on!" shouted Link.
"Yeah!" shouted Kirby.
"While others weren't…"
"Mario and Luigi…"
"Marth and Roy…"
"Fox and Falco…"
"Pichu and Pikachu…"
"Young Link and Ganondorf…"
"Nana and Popo…"
"Link and Jigglypuf…"
"Kirby and Yoshi… I'm sorry to tell you, you've both been eliminated from the race!"
"Some teams managed to hang in by a thread…"
"Falcon and DK…"
"You are team number eleven!"
"You are team number ten!"
"Nine!"
"Eight!"
"You are the last team to arrive… but it's a non-elimination leg! WHY!"
"Seven! AAH!"
"SIX! DAMN!"
"FIVE!"
"FALCON AND DONKEY KONG, YOU WIN! YOU ARE TEAM NUMBER FOUR! YOU GET TO RACE TO THE END! DYEWTFYUASYSAAARGH!"
"But some teams let go of the thread…"
All of them four ran into the room at the same time, but Falcon whipped Roy with a handbag.
"You have a HANDBAG!" asked Donkey Kong.
"It's just a backpack!" screamed Falcon. "Really!"
"Then why has it only got one…"
"There's the finish line!"
"Falcon and DK, you are team number ten! And that means Marth and Roy, you are unfortunately eliminated."
"Will Friends Samus and Zelda finally manage to win a leg, the million dollar leg? Or can Ness and Mewtwo keep the lead, and win the race? Or will one of the other teams manage to get a victory from behind? This is it, who will win - 'A Smashy Amazing Race'?"

The Teams:

Peach and Bowser (I'd give ten dollars for Peach to fund her 'Friendship Club', and the rest I would spend on nuclear weapons to blow up unsuspecting villages.)
Ness and Mewtwo (We would use the money to fund research to diseases, or candy.)
Samus and Zelda (More missiles.)
Falcon and DK (I would spend my half of the money to get surgery, so technically Donkey Kong and I could have chil- oh, is this on cam
era? No no, cut that out! Please! Please! PLEASE! You sick freak! slap Ow!)

"Ness and Mewtwo arrived at 4:41PM, they will depart at 4:41 AM!" said Master Hand.

Ness and Mewtwo
Currently in 1st Place
"You must now make your way to Mushroom Kingdom," read Ness.

"Teams must now fly to Mushroom Kingdom, and go to 'Princess Gardens', home of the biggest known maze in the universe! They must then complete the maze, then they will find their next clue!" said Master Hand.

"Okay, book tickets early, that worked last leg," said Ness.
"Okay, and you better call for a taxi in Mushroom Kingdom afterwards," said Mewtwo.
"I think that we can keep this six minute lead, and use this to our advantage, because we can definitely outwit the other teams," said Ness, in a voiceover.
"Hello? Mushroom Air? Hi, I'd like to book the next available flight to your hub, Mushroom Kingdom!" said Ness. "What, 6:00PM? Okay. What time in Mushroom Kingdom does it land? 3:00 AM, local time? Can you get me two seats near the front? You can? Okay, bye!"
"Yeah, okay, book a local tour guide ahead of time for 3:30 AM," said Ness.
"Okay," said Mewtwo, picking up the phone. "Hello, can I have a local tour guide for 4:00 AM, tomorrow morning at the airport? Okay? Thanks."
"Yes, we got it," said Mewtwo.
"While we're at it, shouldn't we book a taxi for here?" asked Ness.
"Yeah, I guess," said Mewtwo, picking up the phone again. "Hey, I don't have any more quarters in the local currency! HELP! NOW HOW CAN WE ORDER A TAXI?"

Currency Exchange Man
"Hark, a soul missing a quarter? Don't worry, Currency Exchange man is here to save the day!" said Currency Exchange Man, swooping across the skies, flying into Summers.

Ness and Mewtwo
Currently in 1st Place
"Hey look, it's currency exchange man!" said Ness, pointing up into the sky.
"Hi, kiddies, do you need a quarter?" asked Currency Exchange Man, flying down next to the phone booth.
"Yes," said Ness.
"Do you have any change, so I can make it into quarters?" asked Currency Exchange Man.
"No," said Mewtwo.
"Oh well, here's the quarter that you needed!" said Currency Exchange Man, triumphantly.
"Thanks! How can I repay you, currency exchange man?" asked Ness.
"Blow j- oh wait… you're boys… uh… I'm just doing my job!" said Currency Exchange Man, flying into the skies.
"An everyday local hero," said Ness, looking admiringly up into the clouds.

Samus and Zelda
Departed at 4:47 AM
"You must now make your way to Mushroom Kingdom," read Zelda. "You must then go to the Princess Gardens, home of the world's biggest maze, and complete it. Then you will find your next clue!"
"Me and Zelda today, when we go to that airport, we are going to verbally negotiate as well as we can. And if we can't negotiate verbally, then we'll negotiate violently! So violently, that I'll probably have to spend half my life savings on coffins, and more ammo," said Samus.
"So we're gonna get on an earlier flight than Ness and Mewtwo, no matter what!" said Zelda.
Samus and Zelda walked out of the hotel, and looked at the taxi rank.
"Taxi!" screamed Samus.
Samus spotted a taxi, and ran up to it.
"Hi, can we have a flight to the airport?" asked Zelda.
"I'm sorry," said the talking taxi (talking everyday objects are common in Earthbound games), "This taxi is already booked."
"Please?" asked Samus, trying to do a cheesy grin, which would've worked better if it wasn't for her helmet.
"No, it's against taxi policy rules," said the taxi.
"Oh, by the way, how much does a coffin for a taxi your size cost?" asked Samus.
"Um… About $10,000, why do you ask?"
Samus took her helmet off and smiled sweetly. Zelda pulled out a gun.

Ness and Mewtwo
Currently in 2nd Place
"Hey look, there's lots of bullets in our taxi!" said Ness, spotting a taxi driving away.
"Darn it, how will we get to the airport now?" asked Mewtwo.
"How about you teleport as far as you can?" asked Ness.
"Whatever," said Mewtwo, grabbing Ness's hand.

Samus
Current coffin bill: $10,000
"Okay, this is good, stay aggressive, and we can take the lead," said Samus.

Peach and Bowser
Departed at 5:02 AM
"You must now make your way to Mushroom Kingdom," read Bowser. "You must then go to the Princess Gardens, home of the world's biggest maze, and complete it. Then you will find your next clue!"
"Peach, we could win this race, you know," said Bowser. "You know your way around Mushroom Kingdom, so that's surely an advantage!"
"Well, I don't go outside of my castle, I make Toad do it!" said Peach.
Peach grabbed Toad from her pocket, with a knife lodged all the way through his head, so deep, that it was sticking out from the other side.
"Whoops, I guess that's what you get when you let Peach tranquilizer dart you in the head, and then you fall asleep, and then Peach hits you with a baseball bat several times in the head, and then bathes you in bubble bath, before being dropped into a knife standing up vertically due to my lack of logic and gravity!" said Peach.
"Peach, what the…" said Bowser, before being interrupted.
"Well, I'm not the one that burnt down Bowser's castle after an incident with a shampoo truck when I was twelve," said Peach, angrily.
"Yes, you are," said Bowser.
"I hate you now," scoffed Peach.
For no apparent reason, Peach and Bowser suddenly appeared in the airport.
"Yay!" said Peach.

Samus and Zelda
Currently in 1st Place
"Hi, when's the next flight to Mushroom Kingdom?" asked Samus.
"Um…" said the Koopa at the check-in desk. "It leaves at 6:00, but the whole flight is full!"
"Will you be willing to give up your seat for me?" asked Samus.
"Uh, Miss, I don't have a sea-"
Samus shot a missile at the Koopa and looked around.
"Can anyone spare a seat for me to the Mushroom Kingdom?" shouted Samus, walking around looking angrily at people.
"How about you?" asked Samus, leaning down and looking at a random Koopa.
"Uh- Uh- Miss, I'm not going to Mushro-" said the Koopa, before being shot at by a missile.
"Not a very nice gentleman, are you?" asked Samus. "Now who would like to give up their seat for me?" asked Samus, cheerfully.
About 50 passengers willingly ran up to Samus and gave them their tickets.

Falcon and DK
Departed at 5:04 AM
"This is the final leg," said Falcon, opening the clue. "And I reckon, after all of these times that we have came second last, I think that was a sign for us to win the million dollars!"
"You must now make your way to Mushroom Kingdom," read Falcon. "You must then go to the Princess Gardens, home of the world's biggest maze, and complete it. Then you will find your next clue!"
"This is it, this is our chance to prove it!" said Donkey Kong.

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 2nd Place
"Zelda," said Peach. "Can we have some of your tickets?"
"No," said Zelda, angrily. "We're not going to give the game up for you! We've got to win!"
"Dear Diary," read Peach, off a piece of paper. "I am finding Donkey Kong extremely-"
"NO! NO! NO! NO! SHADDUP! YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING! I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM! HAHA! HAHA! YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING AT ALL! IN FACT, YOU ARE A FOOL! GAHAHA! GAHAHA! BLAHAHAHA! GRNEHAAHAA!" said Zelda, making really weird Zebra sounds.
Peach, Bowser and Samus stared blankly at Zelda.
"I guess that means you want me to continue!" said Peach, giggling. Peach looked at the diary, and continued reading. "I am finding Donkey Kong extremely-"
"HEY! GUESS WHAT PEACH? YUhuHUhuHUhuHUhu HAVE A TICKET!" said Zelda, desperately. "You know what, have FOUR tickets! BLERGEN! HURR! RECK!"
Zelda make some more sounds like a Zebra choking on anti-depressants.
Peach and Bowser walked off, looking quite confused.
"Don't you think Zelda is a bit over-reactive?" asked Bowser.
"Yeah," said Peach. "She started screaming when I started reading my diary!"
"What? I thought that was her diary!" said Bowser, snatching Peach's diary from her hands.
"Dear Diary, I am finding Donkey Kong extremely like a pear. Like, you know how pears have wings? Well, I reckon Donkey Kong has wings! That's why this diary will explode four seconds after someone reads it aloud!" read Bowser, confused.
"Hey wait," said Bowser. "That means that this diary will explode!"
The diary exploded, killing all of the contestants, which meant that Sonic won the race.
THE END
…
…
…
FINNAR.
GO HOME.

WTF Chicken
"Now that is a level four, WTF?"

Ness and Mewtwo
Currently in 3rd Place
"Hi, we'd like to check in," said Ness, looking at the only check-in desk Koopa that was still alive.
"Okay," said the Koopa, taking the tickets.
"Has anyone else got the 6:00 flight?" asked Ness.
"Yes, one other team has," said the Koopa.
"Damn, I thought that would give us an advantage!" said Ness.

Samus and Zelda
Currently in 1st Place
"Hey Ness, have you got the 6:00 flight?" shouted Zelda, looking at Ness and Mewtwo coming towards them.
"Yeah, are you the only other ones?" asked Ness.
"No, someone…" said Samus, glancing over at Zelda sarcastically. "…gave Peach and Bowser one of our 50 tickets!"
"Oh well, at least Falcon and Donkey Kong won't get tickets!" said Ness, optimistically.

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 3rd Place
"Hi Falcon!" said Peach, cheerfully, walking up to Falcon. "I think Donkey Kong is a pear! Do you want a ticket?"
"Uh… I guess babe…" said Falcon, looking confused.
"Here you go!" said Peach.
Peach did a twirl, and then looked at Bowser.
"I think this is really good strategy giving Falcon and Donkey Kong tickets!" said Peach.

Ness and Mewtwo
Currently in 2nd Place
"Since Falcon and Donkey Kong don't have any tickets to our flight, none of us will come last!"

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 3rd Place
"I think this is really good strategy giving Falcon and Donkey Kong tickets!" said Peach.

Ness and Mewtwo
Currently in 2nd Place
"Since Falcon and Donkey Kong don't have any tickets to our flight, none of us will come last!"

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 3rd Place
"I think this is really good strategy giving Falcon and Donkey Kong tickets!" said Peach.

Ness and Mewtwo
Currently in 2nd Place
"Since Falcon and Donkey Kong don't have any tickets to our flight, none of us will come last!"

Rofl Pony
"Dubbayou Tee-Eff?"

Samus and Zelda
Currently in 1st Place
"Wow, already? Last Flight, Samus," said Zelda.

"All teams are now on the Mushroom Air flight to Mushroom Kingdom that will land at 3:30 AM, local time! Teams must then travel to Princess Garden, and complete this maze, where they will find their next clue! Teams must hurry, as the finish line is near!" said Master Hand.

1st Mushroom Air Flight Lands

Ness and Mewtwo
Currently in 1st Place
"Good thing I got seats near the front!" said Ness, running out of the plane. "Do you know which one's our taxi?"
"Yes," said Mewtwo, running out the main entrance of the airport. "There's a taxi labelled 'Koopa Taxi Services',"
"There it is," said Ness, pointing to a blue taxi.
Ness ran over to a taxi, and ran in.
"Hi, this is the taxi for Ness and Mewtwo, right?" asked Ness.
"Yes," said the dark taxi driver.
"Mewtwo, get in!" said Ness.
Mewtwo levitated into the taxi, and sat himself down. The taxi didn't appear to move.
"Are you going to move?" asked Ness, impatiently. "This is the last leg, you know!"
"I know," said the taxi driver, in an evil-ish voice.
"So?"
"So what?"
"That's it, we're leaving!"
Ness was just about to open the car-door from inside, when suddenly, Ness heard a clicking sound. Ness tried to pull the lever, but the car door wouldn't budge.
"Hey, Mr. Driver! The door won't budge!" said Ness.
"I know!" said Ganondorf. Ganondorf took his head off from his head rest, and then smiled grimly at Ness and Mewtwo.
"Hey, you can't trap us in here!" said Ness, shaking the car door. "Why us?"
"Do you remember a particular incident in leg three?" asked Ganondorf, smiling.
"No," said Ness.
"Neither do I, but you two are nerds, so you're staying here!" said Ganondorf.
"Hey, I'm not a nerd!" said Mewtwo.
"Yeah, we're not nerds!" said Ness.
"What are you talking about? You are, little kid, but I'm just skilled, but you're just a nerd!" said Mewtwo, poking his tongue out.
"It's not helping!" said Ness, angrily.
"Oh, sorry," said Mewtwo.
"You can try and smash the windows all you want, but Samus and Zelda will get a comfortable win, from now," said Ganondorf.
"You're letting Zelda win?" said Ness.
"Oh- &&!" said Ganondorf.

Samus and Zelda
Currently in 2nd Place
Samus and Zelda sprinted out of the plane, before seeing a giant queue lining up for the check-in desk.
"Samus, how are we going to get through this?" asked Zelda.
"I don't know!" said Samus.
"I know," said Zelda, walking along, when she suddenly fell into a hole.
"OH NOES! TRAPPORZ!1111 EYE CAN'T GET OUT FROM TEH HOLE!" said Zelda.
Samus looked shocked, and then looked at the cameraman. "OH NOES! MURDER!111111111"
"There is no murder…" said the Koopa cameraman.
Samus shot the Koopa several times.
"OH NOES! MURDER!11111111" said Samus.
"OH NOES! TRAPPORZ!1111" said Zelda.
"We can't go anywhere without you!" said Samus, shocked.
"OH NOES!" said Zelda.
"WHO WELL SAYVE ZELDAH/" asked Samus. "Oh look, it's Link!"
Link walked triumphantly from about eighty-metres away, pulling his sword out from his belt, as if there was a fanfare awaiting his arrival. He smiled at Zelda, and slowly walked up to her. He tied a rope around his sword, and using the sword-
"Excuse me Sir, but you didn't pass customs," said a Goomba, pulling Link back a few metres.
"Don't worry, Zelda! I'll save you soon!" said Link, shouting out, as Goombas dragged him away.

Link
"What is the reason that you came to Mushroom Kingdom?" asked the anthropomorphic flamingo at the customs desk.
"To save Zelda," said Link.
"Okay, can I see your passport?"
"Yes," said Link, grabbing his passport.
"Hmm…" said the flamingo, studying it. "You needed a new passport from yesterday."
"What? But I just got this!"
"Sorry, that's an on-the-spot fine of 100 dollars," said the flamingo.
"Okay," said Link. Link reached into his wallet, and took a few minutes to take out notes that added up to 100 dollars.
"HOW LONG WILL YOU TAKE?" screamed Zelda.
"NOT LONG, HONEY," said Link, passing the notes to the flamingo.
"Okay, thank you," said the flamingo. "Do you have anything to declare?"
"No," said Link.
"Can I check your bags?"
"Yes."
The flamingo opened up Link's suitcase, looked inside it, and then looked back at Link with a traumatized expression.
"Why are there all these Danapol™ tablets in here?" asked the flamingo.
"I didn't put it there, unless-"

Ganondorf
"HA HA HA!" laughed Ganondorf menacingly, after realising his plan worked.
"Ha ha ha," laughed Ganondorf slyly, after noticing what magazines Link had been reading…

Falcon and Donkey Kong
Currently in 3rd Place
Falcon and Donkey Kong ran out of the plane, Donkey Kong holding his luggage under his arms.
"Come on, Falcon, we'll be late!" said Donkey Kong. "Hey, have all the other teams already left?"

Peach and Bowser
Currently in Last Place
"Come on Peach, don't stop at any gift shop, we have to get off quickly!" said Bowser.
"Hehe, 'My little pony' goes to college!" said Peach, being dragged away.

Falcon and DK
Currently in 1st Place
"Hey look, there's Ness and Mewtwo!" said Donkey Kong, pointing at a taxi.
"Hey, what are they doing there?" asked Falcon.
"Let us out!" said Ness, banging on the windows.
"Should we?" asked Donkey Kong.
"No," said Falcon.
"Why not?" asked Donkey Kong.
"Hey DK, remember what I said at the start of this leg? This could be our chance to shine! This is our chance to show how good we are to others! This could be how we can prove that we are better than all of the other teams, with a fair, and equal chance!" said Falcon, triumphantly.
"So you're going to keep Ness and Mewtwo locked up in a car?" said Donkey Kong, blankly.
"Shut up," said Falcon.

Link
"Would you like one of our super savers accounts?" asked the flamingo.
"What, in customs?" asked Link.
"Are you interested in some of our car insurance?"
"No, why did you ask- wait, since when do customs have car insurance?"
"Uh…"
"Are you legitimate?" asked Link, angrily.
"Uh…" said the pink flamingo, slowly backing away. "I think I have a…"
The flamingo looked at a shop sign.
"…Jloria Geans™ Coffee recital to go to… where we perform our Jloria Geans™ Coffees…"
The flamingo exited abruptly.

Falcon and DK
Currently in 1st Place
"Ah, Princess Gardens!" said Donkey Kong, looking out from the taxi.

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 2nd Place
"Ah, Princess Gardens!" said Peach, looking out from the taxi.

Jigglypuff and Rofl Pony
"Ah, Princess Gardens!" said Jigglypuff, even though she couldn't understand, or comprehend a single word of the English language, therefore, firstly, being out of character, and secondly, making some huge plot inconsistencies that could ruin the story, and the author's credibility from now on.
"What are you smoking?" asked the rofl pony.

Falcon and DK
Currently in 1st Place
"Hey, isn't that Peach and Bowser in the other car?" asked Falcon.

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 2nd Place
"Hey, isn't that Peach and Bowser in the other car?" asked Peach.
"Yeah…" said Bowser, staring.

Falcon and DK
Currently in 1st Place
"Come on Falcon, get out, this is our chance to win!" said Falcon. "Cue the montage!" said Falcon in a triumphant pose.
"Uh… how do we do a montage in a book?" asked DK.
"Er… Hey look, Peach and Bowser are running out!"
"Well, come on, let's beat them!" said DK, angrily.
"I can't! The car door is suddenly stuck!" said Falcon, pushing against the door.
"Then open it!"
"I can't!"
"Oh really?"
"Yeah really."
"OH RLY?"
"YA RLY."
…
…
…
…
"I'LL KILL YOU!" screamed Donkey Kong.
Donkey Kong reached his hands over to Falcon's neck, when Falcon managed to open the door, and run out. Donkey Kong smashed open the window, (which happened to be made out of weaved sugar, like the movie studios do) and then jumped out, even though it wasn't possible for an ape his size to jump through a gap that small.
AHH AHHHAAAHHAAA AHH AHH AHH said Falcon running and without any punctuation
"I'LL GET YOUR LITTLE NECK AND GRIND IT UP!" screamed Donkey Kong chasing Falcon into the start of the giant maze.

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 1st Place
"Hey, we're still seeing the red dots, I think that means that we've got the right route!" said Peach.
"AHHAAHHHAAAAHHAAAA!" screamed Falcon, clobbering Peach and Bowser over, and running through the maze.
Just as they were about to get out, Donkey Kong ran over Peach and Bowser again, and somehow followed Falcon's route precisely.

Falcon and DK
Currently in 1st Place
"I'LL KILL YOU!" screamed Donkey Kong, running out to the end of the maze.
"NOOOOO!" screamed Falcon, who then was spear-tackled by Donkey Kong into the clue box.
"Hey," said Donkey Kong. "Those are the clues!"
Donkey Kong opened a clue and read.

"Teams must now travel to 'Wario Burger™', and they must eat a small burger each. However, this is a standard size Mushroom Kingdom burger, so it may take a normal human 40 minutes to eat," said Master Hand.

"Hey, I think this is the last task, and because we're first, if we can eat burgers, we can win!" said Falcon.

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 2nd Place
"Hey, can you hear that? I think they've got the clues!" said Bowser.
"Maybe we can trace their footsteps in the dirt!" said Peach.
"Or maybe we can just walk through the giant cartoon-like holes in the walls," said Bowser.

Ness and Mewtwo
Currently in 3rd Place
"We're trapped in a taxi, and the person that can let us out is dead! What do we do now? How do we escape?" asked Mewtwo.
"Why don't we climb through the big space where the boot (luggage compartment) used to be?" asked Ness.
"Maybe we should."
"Why didn't we think of that before?"
"Insert witty joke here" said Mewtwo.
"Insert witty reply here" said Ness.
"Insert inappropriate joke bagging how stupid the president is" said Mewtwo.

Samus and Zelda
Currently in Last Place
"Thanks Link for getting out of the hole," said Zelda.
"Yes," said Link.
"Okay," said Samus.
"?" said the rofl pony.
(I am so sorry for the last three paragraphs.)

At the finish line…
"What? Falcon and Donkey Kong are first, and Peach and Bowser are second? What happened?" said Master Hand, talking on the phone to a cameraman.
"The other teams somehow managed to get trapped, one team in a hole, the other in a car," said the cameraman.
"Okay, penalise Falcon and Donkey Kong 15 minutes," said Master Hand.
"But… for what?"
"For murder! …What? what were you expecting me to say? Uh… penalise them for… treason… yeah… treason…"

Falcon and DK
Currently in 1st Place
"I'm sorry," said the cameraman. "I'm going to have to penalise you for 15 minutes, for treason."
"What?" said Donkey Kong.
"Peach and Bowser," said the cameraman loudly, "Apparently you need to hurry on to the finish line."
"Okay-" said Bowser. "Hey, Peach? Why are you back there?"
Bowser looked over at Peach.
"My foot's stuck in this gum!" said Peach.
"Oh, surely you can get out there if you yank hard enough…" said Bowser.
"No, actually, I think it's better if I just stayed here and let it melt for about 15 minutes," said Peach.
Bowser started crying.

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 2nd Place
"Peach, come on! They've probably reached the burger place by now!" said Bowser, angrily.
"But, my foot is stuck!" said Peach.
"Take your shoe off!" said Bowser.
"Okay," said Peach, yanking her shoe.
Peach stared at her shoe, and then looked at Bowser.
"Hehe, Bowser, I just glued my foot to my shoe!" said Peach.
Bowser sighed.
"Peach, I think we're going to have to amputate your leg," said Bowser.
"I know a better method!" said Peach.
"And from that day onwards, Peach knew the true meaning of Christmas: a holiday for togetherness, and it is a time of sharing, giving, and forgiveness. So then, Peach asked Santa for only one thing, the gift of happiness, and knowing that there will always be family, and also for Santa to hold off Falcon and Donkey Kong with a crowbar at Wario Burger. Yeah," said the narrator.
Bowser stared blankly at Peach.

Rofl Pony
WTF?

WTF Chicken
Curse you for stealing my line!

Ness and Mewtwo
Currently in 3rd Place
"Here's 'Princess Gardens!'" said Ness.
"Have you got any strategy?" asked Mewtwo.
"Well, we could start off by sticking to the left, where we are sure to reach the finish, but usually they don't make the finish easily accessible if you 'stick to the left'. This means that usually the maze does a sharp right, and then usually bends back to roughly around the centre cross-section in the middle about halfway through the maze. From then onwards, about 46 percent of the time, it roughly goes about straight from there, 30 percent of the time in keeps on going leftward, and then bends back in to the right to reach the exit, and the other 24 percent it goes a sharp right, and then bends in leftward to reach the exit. Now, obviously we would go with the odds, but we need some sort of marker to place on the ground when we feel we have got to the middle cross-section…"
Samus and Zelda walked into the gift shop, and played on the horsie rides for about ten minutes.
"…but when we think we have reached the middle cross section, there should be on average about three access points that don't look like they would reach a dead end. But some mazes are easier to solve then you would think, which in this case, if it were actually to happen, the first thing that we would try to do is do it the traditional human way, and roughly work your way towards the exit in a general area…"
Samus launched a missile at the maze, shattering all of the walls, and walking straight through it to get to the clue box.
"…Now that I've taken the samples of about twelve mazes, they all seem similar in their pathways about from the first third of the way, to the second third of the way. This is because there are lots of more open sections, therefore potentially confusing the person that is doing the maze. This means that if we worked our way around, trying to avoid most sealed areas, then we would need more markers and also have to label them, so that in a way, there would be a few chances that we could stop our mistakes more quickly…"
Peach actually untied her shoe, managing to let her foot get free.
"…Now I'm thinking, hopefully after we had done the maze, other visitors to this establishment hopefully wouldn't get the route of the maze spoiled for them, so much that the exit could actually easily be seen…"
What was left of the maze biodegraded, helping the environment.
"…so if you divide the number of walls, with the many small and insignificant cross-sections, then that will equal the number of corners that we will have to turn. This means that if we have a small gap in the formations of the maze, the ending result could turn into an easier solving of the maze, therefore, helping us get a lead into the race, we could turn leftwards at the end, but left is the colour of shpiggamedoos, crossdressing the ulcer of time. Now what we could do with the leopard zebra, is that George W. Bush would lose in an IQ test with a doormat. In other news also, J-Lo has been married as many times as INXS have made a comeback. Also, that day was quite a sunny day for a picnic with Pauline…"
Mewtwo started to get bored.
"And in other words…"

Lindsay
"And now, for the punchline…"

Mewtwo took a tower out of its foundation, and squashed Ness with it. The sadistic studio audience laughed sadistically, as they gave a standing sadistic ovation. Uh… Falcon and Donkey Kong…

"All teams are now heading on their way to 'Wario Burger', which will be the last task of the race," said Master Hand.

Falcon and DK
Currently in 1st Place
"Come on, Falcon, I think we just have to eat this burger, and then we go to the finish line!" said Donkey Kong.
Falcon and Donkey Kong sprinted out of the taxi, and ran into the burger store.
"Hi, can we have our burgers?" asked Falcon.
"Yes, you can," said a sly voice coming from the other end of the room.
"GANONDORF?" said Falcon and Donkey Kong at the same time, looking over at Ganondorf, with the backstage crew using their miniature smoke machines, because, you know, smoke machines make the villain seem more villainous, and also show that the school play is more high-tech, and that the staff and the school board are underestimating the potential of all of the performers, so that means that there are better marks in the feedback forms from the parents?
…
…
…
Oh yeah, the story…
"Ganondorf's last chance at sabotage!" said Ganondorf, grinning slyly, who then promptly started coughing. "Turn it off, will you?"
"ROFL" said the backstage crew.
"What are you going to do to us now, Ganondorf? Even if you poison our burgers, we can get to the finish line before it affects us?" asked Falcon. "And plus, if you did, we could tell Master Hand, and you'd be in a lot of trouble, right Master Hand?"
Falcon peered over at Master Hand, who then by reflex threw the magazine over his head, and looked nervously.
"Uh… Yeah… Heaps of trouble…" said Master Hand, still looking nervously. "Because… like… everybody loves you two…"
Due to a continuity error, Master Hand used Mary-Sue's magical teleportation powers to go back to the finish line.
"Well guess what? I'm going to give you, not a small burger, but a medium sized burger! Mwahahahahaha!" said Ganondorf, evilly.
"Whatever," said Falcon, grabbing the burger. "Come on, Donkey Kong, let's eat!"

"Falcon and Donkey Kong are first, on the final task of the race, and everyone else is lagging behind? Did you all just spontaneously give up or something?" said Master Hand. "THEY CAN'T WIN!"

Samus and Zelda
Currently in 3rd Place
"He-"

"THEY CAN'T WIN!" said Master Hand.

Falcon and DK
Currently in 1st Place
"Th-"

"STOP WINNING!" shouted Master Hand.

Ness and Mewtwo
Currently in Last Place
"He-"

"NERDS AND WEIRDOES, LET THE COOL PEOPLE WIN!" shouted Master Hand.

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 2nd Place
"Hi, can we have our burgers?" asked Bowser, rushing in, holding Peach under his left arm.
"Here you go," said the Koopa waiter, passing over the burgers.
"Come on Peach, eat the burger!" shouted Bowser, shoving the whole burger into his mouth, and swallowing without chewing.

Falcon and DK
¼ of a burger left
"Eat that burger," said Falcon. "A quarter to go, and we'll win!"

Peach and Bowser
1 burger left
"Come on, Peach, eat that burger!" said Bowser.
"But I can't do it!" said Peach.
Bowser took a deep breath, and started his motivational speech.
"Peach, you haven't been useful this whole race," said Bowser, turning on the triumphant music behind him. "Now's your chance to shine, now's your chance to help us win! Everyone will be thankful that Falcon and Donkey Kong won't win, and we'll be the heroes of the race! We're the unnoticed team! We're the ones that haven't won a single leg! Now's our chance to win, to show that we're not a joke! Are you with me, Peach?"
Bowser looked at Peach, worriedly.
"Are you with me?" asked Bowser.
Peach removed the focus of her eyes from the untouched burger, and slowly glanced over at Bowser. She stared blankly at Bowser, took a deep breath, and…
…
…
…
…
…
…stared blankly even more.
"What?" asked Peach.
"UYrvedfuybruiefnioenfoinefuin!11111" screamed Bowser, using a delicate, carefully thought out phrase to express his thoughts.
Bowser stuffed the burger into Peach's mouth, kicked her in the stomach, and ran up to the waiter, got the clue, and read it.

Falcon and Donkey Kong
Finished
"Yes! We're done!" said Falcon, grabbing Donkey Kong and dragging him up to the waiter, and receiving the clue.

Peach and Bowser
"You must now make your way to Peach's Castle…" read Bowser.

Falcon and Donkey Kong
"Where you must search for the Red and Yellow flags…" read Falcon.

Peach and Bowser
"Which will be the final pit stop…"

Falcon and Donkey Kong
"And the finish line of this race around the Nintendo Universe!" said Falcon.

"Teams must now make their way to the Peach's Castle, where they will find the finish line of 'A Smashy Amazing Race'!" said Master Hand. "The first team to arrive will be the first winner of 'A Smashy Amazing Race', and also will receive 1 million dollars! I will sue the government if Falcon and Donkey Kong wins, so don't win! Please!"

Falcon and Donkey Kong
Currently in 1st Place
"Here's a taxi!" said Captain Falcon.
"Yes," said Donkey Kong, "a taxi."
"Let's get into the taxi!" said Captain Falcon.
"Yes," said Donkey Kong, "let us do so."
Falcon got in.
"You got in," said Donkey Kong.
"Yes," said Falcon. "Did you?"
Donkey Kong didn't get in.
"No," he said, "I didn't."
"Ah," said Falcon.
"Yes," said DK.

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 2nd Place
"I think I'm choking!" said Peach, as Bowser dragged her towards the parking lot.
"Wonderful," said Bowser. "I care. Really, I do."
Peach made a weird noise and hit herself in the back with a hammer. "Yay! I feel better!"
"Oh, really?" said Bowser, grabbing a motorcycle and shoving his claws into the ignition.
"Are we winning?" said Peach.
Bowser ignored her. "Get on!"
Peach got onto the motorbike.
They fell off.
"I think I must be too heavy," said Peach. She began to cry. "Wah! I'm too big for the funny bike!"
"No," said Bowser, "you're-"
"I wanna die!" cried Peach. She pulled out a popsicle stick and started ramming it through her neck.
Bowser groaned, and used Peach's hair to tie her to the back wheel of the bike.
"Is this going to feel happy?" said Peach.
Captain Falcon and DK drove past in a taxi.
"NOOOO!" screamed Bowser, and he quickly drove off after them.

Falcon and DK
"Uh, Falcon?" said DK.
"What now?" said Falcon.
"Peach and Bowser are right behind us."
"WELL, DO SOMETHING!" shouted Falcon.
"Like what?" said DK, pondering.
Captain Falcon flushed red with fury. "Do a scary face! Do something ridiculous! Do something involving a drawbridge! Do me!"
"What?" said DK.
Captain Falcon drove on, wide-eyed.

Peach and Bowser
"Whee!" shouted Peach, as she was dragged behind Bowser by her hair.
"We're winning, Peach!" shouted Bowser, just before DK threw a traffic light at his face.
"OW!" yelled Bowser, crashing.
Crashing, incidentally, involved spinning off a bridge and landing into the famous Plumber's River, which was made of oil. So, of course, the bike exploded, and Peach and Bowser went flying…

Falcon and DK
…suddenly, without warning, Peach landed inside Falcon and DK's taxi.
"AUGH!" screamed Falcon, and their car plummeted off a bridge, into the same river. They went flying…

Bowser
…DK landed on Bowser.
"HELP!" yelled Bowser.
A bus landed on them because it could.

Rofl Pony
"OMG ROFLZ," said the Rofl Pony.

WTF Chicken
"Was that the punch line? This story sucks."

Ness and Mewtwo
Samus and Zelda
Currently tied in 3rd place
"Come on; let's eat!" shouted Ness.
"Fine, mortal," snapped Mewtwo.
"I'm not eating!" said Samus. "This helmet always gets in the way!"
"But I can't eat lots of food!" said Zelda.
"Well," said Samus, "can you drink?"
"Oh, yeah," said Zelda. "I like to scull wine."
"Yes!" shouted Samus happily. She shot a missile at their hamburger, causing it to melt.
"What?" said Zelda.
"SCULL! SCULL! SCULL!" shouted Samus.
Zelda scooped up the melted hamburger and began to drink.
"Hey!" said Ness. "They're winning!"
Mewtwo said, "Good idea." He psychically melted his and Ness' hamburger. "Scull!"
"NOO!" shouted Samus, firing an ice beam at Mewtwo's hamburger.
"Not so fast!" shouted Metwo, melting the hamburger.
Samus froze it.
Mewtwo melted it.
Samus froze it.
Mewtwo melted it.
Samus froze it.
Mewtwo melted it.
Samus froze it.
Mewtwo melted it.
Samus froze it.
Mewtwo melted it.
Samus froze it.
Mewtwo melted it.
Zelda finished sculling the hamburger.
"Let's go!" shouted Samus, grabbing Zelda by the hand and leaving.

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 1st Place
"Hey, Peach, is that the finish line?" asked Bowser, pointing over at the flag.
"Yeah," said Peach.
"Hey, that's the flag, and we're the first one here!" said Bowser, excitedly. "I think we've won!"
Bowser looked ahead, at all of the cheering teams that were eliminated.
"Come on Peach, we've made history!" said Bowser, walking slowly towards the finish line.
Bowser kept on walking, peering at all of the crowd that were shouting out their messages of support, some of the teams clapping, some of them celebrating.
"Peach, we've done it!" said Bowser, standing a few metres away from the finish line. "What are you going to do with the money-"
Bowser looked up.
"Peach! What are you doing in that tree… naked?"
"I'm gonna win the bus!" said Peach, peering down at all of the people.
"But… GET DOWN!" screamed Bowser.
"Oh, well," said Master Hand, "it's not like I wanted you two to win anyway. Peach, stay up there."
Falcon and DK appeared on the horizon.
"Quick! GET DOWN NOW!" shouted Master Hand, trying to pull Peach out of the tree. "THE FOOLS MUST NOT WIN!"

Ness and Mewtwo
Currently in 3rd Place
"Hey, is that Peach's castle?" asked Ness.
"Yes," said Mewtwo.
"Come on, hopefully we're the first ones here!" said Ness, slamming the door shut from behind him.

Samus and Zelda
Currently in Last Place
"Hey, there are the flags!" said Zelda, straight forwards.
"Oh no, we're the last ones here," said Samus.

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 1st Place
"Okay, that's it!" screamed Bowser, who started to shake the roots.

Master Hand
"No! No! No! This can't be happening!"

Falcon and Donkey Kong
Currently in 2nd Place
"Look, they're all cheering for us!" said Falcon, waving at the Smashers who were taking their crowbars out, and cracking their knuckles.

Master Hand
"Everybody! Attack!" screamed Master Hand. "Samus and Zelda, come in!"

Falcon and Donkey Kong
Currently in 2nd Place
"Oh no, they're coming for us!" whimpered Falcon like a little schoolgirl, at all of the crowbar-wielding smashers coming towards them.
"Really?" asked Donkey Kong, pushing Falcon aside.
All of the crowbar-wielding smashers changed direction towards Falcon.

Samus and Zelda
Currently in Last Place
"If we can overtake the nerds, then we can win!" said Zelda to Samus.
"Let's go!" said Samus, who promptly started to sprint towards the finish line.

Link and Jigglypuff
"Isn't it nice how everyone gets along?" asked Link, looking at almost everyone bashing Falcon.
"Jig Ig," said Jigglypuff. "Yeah."

Falcon
Currently being beaten badly
"Aagh! My Kidneys!" screamed Falcon as (s?)he was beaten to death by three million random bystanders. "Aagh! Please! Ow! Ow! I want babies! Aagh! Gaah! Aagh! No! I want to breastfeed! Why won't you let me breast- Aagh! Gaah! Aah! My- Oh yeah, I don't have one- uh- Well- Aah! My groinal region!"

Peach and Bowser
Currently in 1st Place
"Come on, Peach! We're 5 metres away from winning the race!" said Bowser, taking the tree out of its roots, and resting it on the finish mat.
Peach hopped down from the tree onto the finish mat.
"There, Master Hand, we've won!" screamed Bowser.
"But… but… you're not supposed to win either! BUEYFSS-UYDFVIVIYEADBF!" screamed Master Hand, expressing clearly the burning emotions of anger. "uh… Peach and Bowser, you haven't actually won, because…"
Master Hand looked over at Samus and Zelda.
"Uh… the spot where Samus and Zelda are currently standing is the finish line!" announced Master Hand, nervously.
"What?" asked Samus and Zelda, at the same time.
"But… isn't that unfair?" asked Zelda.
"That's it!" screamed Falcon, walking out from being beaten.
Falcon tossed the finish line over to where Samus and Zelda were standing.
"There, they've won!" screamed Falcon.
Samus and Zelda stared at Falcon, and then glanced over at Master Hand.
"See, you've won!" announced Master Hand.
…
…
…
"Woo," said Samus.
…
…
…
"Do we get money or something?" asked Zelda.
…
…
…
"Here's your cheque," said Master Hand, handing over the cheque.
…
…
…
"Woo," said Samus.
…
…
…
"Go home," said Master Hand.
…
…
…
Everyone went home.

THE END

Winners: Samus and Zelda
2nd Place: Peach and Bowser
3rd Place: Falcon and Donkey Kong
4th Place: Ness and Mewtwo
5th: Kirby and Yoshi
6th: Link and Jigglypuff
7th: Nana and Popo
8th: Young Link and Ganondorf
9th: Pichu and Pikachu
10th: Fox and Falco
11th: Marth and Roy
12th: Mario and Luigi

Thank you to all of the readers for supporting me and reviewing.

February 2006: Watch out for Season 2!

Samus and Zelda

How do you feel about your place, and the race?
"Even though I don't think we deserved to win this leg," said Zelda. "I thought that we were by far the strongest team, and we should've deserved it, after placing second and third so many times."
"It's been fun," said Samus. "Yeah."
What are you going to do with the money?
"Missiles," said Samus.
"Uh… buying presents for… special people… not apes… no apes…" said Zelda, who then promptly had a nervous breakdown and ran out of the room crying.

Peach and Bowser

How do you feel about your place, and the race?
"We were robbed of winning! We were the real winners, the first people to both get on the map! We won! Even if we didn't get the prize money because it was rigged, we won!" said Bowser.
"I like one," offered Peach helpfully.

Falcon and DK

"We were always the underdogs, and since we came close to winning, I think we proved ourselves to be stronger than anyone thought, and we managed to make our way to the final four, and that's an achievement!" said Donkey Kong.
"Mommy," muttered Falcon, hugging his stomach.
"Everyone wanted us to win!" proclaimed DK, "so Master Hand was just being evil!"
"Ow…" moaned Falcon.
"It's Captain Falcon's fault that he threw the mat at Samus…"
"My lungs…"
DK considered. "Well, at least Zelda won," he said.
"What?" said Falcon.
"AH! It's a LIE! THERE IS NO ROMANTIC INTEREST HERE! GO AWAY!"
Falcon broke down and started crying.

Samus and Zelda

"For goodness' sake," said Samus, "stop it."
Zelda started crying harder and clawing at people, and, for unknown reasons, screaming out DK's name.

Ness and Mewtwo

"We were teased and bullied because we were seen as the nerds of the-" said Ness.
"You're the nerd, nerd-boy! I'm just intellectual!" said Mewtwo.
"We were seen as the smart-"
"You're not even smart! You're just a nerd! Playing too many video games, nerd!"
"Okay, everyone saw me as a nerd, and I managed to prove myself by-"
"I did all of the work, nerd!"
Ness sighed. "Mewtwo, can-"
"Nerd!"
"Oh, yeah? You're the nerd!" shouted Ness.
"NOOOOO!" said Mewtwo, dying.

Kirby and Yoshi

"Even though we missed out on the finals because of the buffet, I exchanged those two expensive holidays for vouchers at a Yoshi café!" announced Kirby, cheerfully.
"Yoshi hup herr hup herr Yoshi up, herr Yoshi up herr?" asked Yoshi, nervously. "When you mean Yoshi café, do you mean that, you know, it's a café for Yoshis, and not a place where you eat them?"
"Yoshis taste like pineapples," said Kirby.
"Arurururu!" said Yoshi.

Link and Jigglypuff

"I think we were one of the most successful teams, we won three legs, and from that, got three holidays!" said Link. "I think we-"
"Jig, Iggly Uff Puff?" asked Jigglypuff. "Is it okay to steal the camera crew?"
"I'm not too sure!" said Link. "Did you know that it's against the law to steal camera crews?"
"That's right!" said Lindsay.
"Lindsay? What are you doing here?" asked Link.
"I thought my witty commentary along with the race got me accepted as a role model, so I thought I would lend my hand for the community. From now on, call me, Cindy, the Cameraman!" said Lindsay, waving his hand across in the air as he said the last three words.
"Yay!" shouted everyone, forgetting the actual purpose of this educational talk.

Nana and Popo

"The dog stuffed it all up, I did everything perfectly, blame the dog," said Nana, crossing her arms and nodding at Popo.
"Nana, I'm-"
Nana choked Popo by tightening his collar.
"How dare you question my authority!" said Nana, angrily.

Young Link and Ganondorf

"The reason why we placed so low is that Young Link is inexperienced, and naïve," said Ganondorf, facing the camera.
"I'm not na-"
"You're a fairy."
"Yay! I'm a fairy!" shouted Young Link, doing twirls and then running of into the distance. He then promptly cast a play-spell on Peach, who promptly obeyed it.

Pichu and Pikachu

Due to translation problems (and unpopularity), Pichu and Pikachu are unable to give an interview. However, Pichu looked rather cute.

Fox and Falco

"The reason why we placed so low is that Fox is inexpert, and naïve," said Falco, facing the camera.
"Am I naïve?"
"You're a fairy."
"Yay! I'm a fairy!" shouted Fox, doing twirls and then running of into the distance. He then promptly ran up to Young Link, and they both did play-spells on each other, which they promptly followed.

"ZOMG Repetition" said the rofl pony.
"ZOMG Repetition" said the rofl pony.
"ZOMG Repetition" said the rofl pony.
"ZOMG Repetition" said the rofl pony.

Marth and Roy

"I reckon our evil plans worked successfully, and we managed to give everyone in the race a hard time!" said Marth, evilly.
"Uh… none of our plans worked…" said Roy.
"Whatever, let's look at some CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED," said Marth.

Mario and Luigi

"We came-a last," said Luigi.
"O RLY?" asked Mario.

Rofl Pony
"Well, after all this excitement, I'll see you around," said the rofl pony. "ROFLZ."

Thanks for reading!

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