Author: Joyce
Title: Better memories
Disclaimer: Nope, don't own them!
Note: A long note this time, answering some of your questions! First of all, katymoonbeam, here is the update and sorry it took so long. Jade, my apologies to you too! But now you have to promise the write another chapter of Wake the hope soon! To Princessbutterfly, I love Sara's interaction with both Nick and Greg and I think both their friendships deserve their own story, I just wish I had the time to write about it. And a last note to zoomiesnoopy who wanted to know why they keep calling each other Sidle and Brown. To me it's an indication of how intimate they are, weird as it sounds. Nobody get's to call her Sidle but he does. You could almost say that Sidle is his way of calling her sweetheart or baby. It probably doesn't make a lot of sense but I still hope I cleared it up for you!Ok, the end of this long note is near but not before thanking you all for reading this story and commenting on it. Keep doing that! Oh, and this is not a very long chapter, it's mostly meant as a prelude for the next chapter.
Waiting foreverA month, it had been a month. Twenty eight long days since she had told him; "I won't make you wait long. I promise." Life had almost returned to normal in the time that had passed, her memory had returned completely a couple of days later and she was determined to get back to work. Starting almost the same day and proving that she was just as dedicated as ever. He noticed the looks again. Every now and then she would watch Grissom, mostly when he wasn't looking at her. He also noticed that this time the looks where returned when she wasn't looking at her boss and he felt almost ill for being the only one to see it.
At night she stood in front of his door though, slept in his arms. Kissed him and whenever he would find the courage to ask her what her decision was, who she wanted to be with, she silenced him with another kiss. A clear sign that indicated that she wasn't ready yet. He began to fear to maybe she would never be ready.
"Hey, Sidle," he said, greeting her with pretended casualty while he walked into the lab where she was processing a piece of wood they found on their crime scene.
She looked up, a warm smile on her face when she saw him. "Warrick, you got to see this."
He took a glance and turned to her, raised eyebrows.
"Is that what I think it is?"
She nodded and he could see her excitement.
"A hair, we may finally have some DNA from the bastard."
He nodded, sharing her hope but he was distracted by the way her eyes shined. Her job had always made her happiest and today was no exception. He wondered if he was ever able to spark the same light in her eyes and the question both scared and bugged him. He had never been the kind of person to wait around patiently and he wanted to get some answers. He needed to know if she could ever be in love with him. He already knew she loved him, she had told him that. He just wanted to hear from her if she loved him like he loved her, completely. Without Grissom standing between them, casting a shadow over them.
"We need to talk," he said. "My place? After shift?"
She nodded, watching him carefully.
"Are you ok?" she asked him, placing her hand on his arm.
He gave her a smile but she didn't feel the familiar shiver, sensed that he was faking it.
"I hope I will be," he confessed before he left her with her evidence. She stayed behind, watching him walk away from her and she saw him stop to talk to Catherine. There was a real smile on his face this time and she fought her sudden jealousy. Fought the urge to yell at the older woman, curse her for taking what was hers. His genuine smile. She was still standing there when Warrick and Catherine had both disappeared around the corridor, analyzing her feelings like she had analyzed the hair she had found. Wondering why she couldn't remember feeling jealous like this before. She sighed and went back to her case but she was haunted by worried green eyes the rest of her shift, afraid of the emptiness she had seen in them.
Several hours later she hesitated before she knocked on his door, something she never felt before. Usually coming here after her shift was the highlight of her day, he would open the door with a smile and she would kiss him and they would watch TV together before she slept in his arms. She was happy with him but she couldn't stop that little voice inside her head that seemed to whisper to her that she wasn't completely at peace yet. She still had to deal with Grissom, in the end she would always have to deal with Grissom. Every now and then Warrick would ask her why she couldn't commit to him fully and she always responded by kissing his pain away, hoping that someday she would have an answer for him. Taking a deep breath she knocked on his door.
"Hey," he greeted her, leaning in the doorway but without the usual smile on his face and the cold fear inside of her intensified.
"Hey," she said back to him, plastering a smile on her face that felt as fake as the one he had given her before.
Warrick said nothing, allowing her to enter his home. The place he had come to think of as their home. He wondered if he would have the courage to go through with this but he knew that he had to no matter how much it pained him to see her so scared, so lost. She needed to come to a decision, even if it would lead her away from him.
"What did you want to talk about?"she asked him, deciding that there was no point delaying the inevitable.
He sat down beside her on the couch, automatically reaching for her hand.
"Us, we need to talk about us."
Her eyes left his and she looked around the room instead.
"I can't, Warrick," she finally whispered. "You know I can't talk about that."
He nodded, indicating that he did know and for a moment she was convinced that the evening would turn out to be the same, that she would be able to kiss his pain away and live in ignorance somewhat longer.
"I know you can't," he continued, "But I can't do this either, Sidle. This is killing me."
She closed her eyes, not wanting to see him because then she would have to deal with the desperation she heard in his voice.
"Don't shut me out, Sara," he demanded. "Not tonight, please."
She reluctantly opened her eyes, staring into his.
"I don't know how to fix this, War," she confessed.
Warrick sighed, took his hand out of hers and stood up.
"I can't wait any longer, Sidle. I just can't."
She said nothing and just watched him as he paced the room. A large part cursed her for not giving in to what she felt. She loved him, she knew that and he was hurting because of her. The new Sara had known what she wanted, she wanted Warrick. Period, no questions asked. But with her memories the old person she had been had resurfaced and she still couldn't figure out which side of her would win.
"What do you want from me?" she inquired quietly.
He stopped pacing, pausing to look at her.
"I want you to go, Sara."
She blinked, not registering what he had said.
"You want me to leave?"
He just nodded, not wanting to tell her again since the words made him feel dead inside.
"Think about want you want. Go to Grissom, talk to Nick or Greg. I don't know, do something to figure it out but stop coming here."
There were tears in her eyes and she stood up to stand in front of him.
"You don't want me here?" she whispered.
His thumbs reached up to take her tears away and he kissed her in a desperate way.
"I'll never not want you near me, Sidle. But you need to figure this out on your own."
"But I need you," Sara said stubbornly, still crying.
"Then go," Warrick replied. "Find out how much you need me."
She shook her head, still not moving.
"I don't think I can leave you."
Warrick tried to ignore the hope that flared up inside him, failing.
"Are you saying you wanna be with me? Really be with me?"
She knew what he was asking her, was she ready to give up Grissom? She hesitated, even though a large part of her was yelling that she was being an idiot. That this man in front of her was enough. He had seen her hesitation though.
"Go," he said. "Please. Figure it out, break my heart or make me the luckiest man alive but don't ask me to spend another night in your arms without really having you. You have no idea how much that hurts me."
She stopped crying, sensing that she needed to do this. For him but also because it was time that she found her peace.
"What if Grissom is the one for me?" she asked him.
He shrugged but she saw how much trouble he had with the simple gesture.
"Then I'll have to deal, at least I'll know something then and so will you."
She nodded, walking to the front door. She stopped before she left, looking back at him.
"You'll wait right? You promised."
"As long as I have to," he replied. " But just promise me one thing; don't come back here before you made your decision."
"I promise," she said, blinking back new tears that threatened to fall and she left his home. Leaving him sitting alone on the couch, hoping that he had made the right decision. He stood up and decided to go to bed. His bed felt empty and for the first time in his life Warrick Brown was terrified. Terrified to be without her.
Tbc...