It would have been any normal day for Colonel Roy Mustang, but for some reason, his mind just wasn't on his work today. His deep, almost black eyes kept drifting over to the beautiful, vivacious young lieutenant who always sat at his right hand. First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye had been his closest subordinate for years now, and even though every military instinct in him was trying to force back these feelings of longing every time he looked at her, it wasn't at all helping.
Each day it became harder and harder to see her, speak to her, be around her, without having this terrible and yet very tempting desire to tell her everything. Truthfully, the headstrong colonel was quite surprised that no one had yet discovered his little secret. He would swear that anyone could tell the truth just by seeing the way he watched her. Gods, watching her was perhaps the one thing about work that he loved.
She moved and spoke with such grace and dignity, and yet somehow maintained the strength and will of a true soldier. It was almost as if two completely different people resided in the same body and even showed themselves at the exact same time. That was something none of them would ever figure out: how Hawkeye was so beautiful and so terrifying all at once.
But for Mustang's part, he didn't particularly care about the details of her moods and habits. He just simply loved being around her, even though he would never show that to anyone other than himself in the recesses of his quarters where no one could see. That too, however, pained him.
Each time he even pictured her, he would feel a little twinge in his chest, a sort of longing and compassion that, he had to admit, he had never felt for anyone else before. Even more recently, those little twinges had become more of deep, physical pains, and it was really starting to take its toll on him. He could feel himself becoming more and more dragged down as he longed for Hawkeye's…no, Riza's company. Gods, something had to be done about this.
I can't hide the way I feel
About you anymore
I can't hold the hurt inside
Keep the pain out of my eyes anymore
Some years ago, Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc, ever perceptive in the ways of love and longing, was observant enough to realize Mustang's deep, dark secret about the feelings he harbored for Hawkeye. Seeing that he was caught, Mustang admitted it only to Havoc, but only a few weeks later, swore up and down that it was simply a transitory fantasy that he never would have acted on anyway. Somehow, he had managed to convince the young lieutenant, and it was never brought up again.
Unbeknownst to his many subordinates, however, he still had that fantasy of loving her, being only with her. Yes, he had the reputation of being quite the womanizer and playboy, but in truth, he was really only concerned about one very lovely woman with whom he worked.
He could hardly begin to count the number of times he had dreamed about building a life with her, how easy-going and loving their relationship would be. Yes, their life would be perfect together. It would be a fairy tale come true. Oh, who was he kidding? He knew better than anyone that things weren't like that in the real world, especially where he and Hawkeye were concerned. That was nonsense and nothing more. But still, just the thought of an actual till-death-do-us-part life with Riza Hawkeye was more than enough to make him the happiest man alive.
My tears no longer waiting
My resistance ain't that strong
My mind keeps recreating
A life with you alone
And I'm tired of pretending
That I don't love you anymore
After another long day of trying to concentrate, Mustang was more grateful than he had ever been to see the neon red numbers on his clock gleaming 7:00. Just as he was about to gather his things and leave for home, he heard a voice say compassionately, "Sir, you look tired. Would you like a ride home tonight?"
He looked up to see that Hawkeye was the only one left. She was standing at the door, Black Hayate yipping at her heels, ready to go home. It was another moment before he realized what she was asking, and he hastily replied, "Oh, sure, Lieutenant. If you don't mind, of course."
"Not at all, sir," she said. "I'll be waiting with a car out front whenever you're ready."
After she was gone, Mustang held his head in his hands and thought, "Gods, how am I going to handle this one? No, this is the same as if it were any other car ride before. Nothing between us has ever been uncomfortable or strange. I can't start acting like it is now. I'll be fine. I can handle this, finesse my way through it. She won't suspect a thing."
A moment later, he walked outside and got into the passenger seat, putting his feet up on the dashboard. "Ready when you are, Hawkeye," he said as he pulled the brim of his uniform hat over his eyes.
He thought he caught a glimpse of an amused smirk cross her face before she pulled off and said, "Sir, may I ask why you don't get more sleep at night if you are so tired during the day? Wouldn't it make more sense to go to bed earlier than be exhausted all day long?"
He looked up at her as though the very thought were preposterous. Of course, behind that look of defiance he was secretly thinking about the true reason he couldn't sleep at night. He was always thinking about her, seeing her in his mind's eye. And when he did sleep, it was usually only to dream about her all night.
Seeing his indifferent look, Hawkeye just gave an exasperated sigh and turned back toward the road, revealing to him (though not intentionally) her beautiful profile.
As Mustang sat beside her staring, he had to resist every urge to reach out and touch her, take down her golden hair and run his fingers through it, let his hand slide gently to the nape of her neck as he leaned closer to kiss her. No! Stop that! He chastised himself mentally. Stop it this instant! You can't start this again! But then, he had never seen anyone more beautiful or captivating than First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye.
Let me make one last appeal
To show you how I feel about you
'Cause there's no one else, I swear
Holds a candle anywhere next to you
Later that evening, after a quick goodbye and a short "I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning", Mustang crawled wearily into bed, but once again, sleep evaded him. Each time he closed his eyes, there she was, though it wasn't the Hawkeye that one normally saw from day to day.
The Hawkeye he dreamed of always wore her hair down, falling in gentle waves over her shoulders and down her back. Instead of a military uniform, she was dressed in a beautiful beige evening gown, just the right color to match those even more enchanting, sparkling coffee-colored eyes of hers. And that smile that he'd never be able to get enough of never faded.
Mustang opened his eyes again with a deep sigh and stared at the empty space beside him. He couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to hold her. Despite her rough and tough exterior, he was willing to bet that she was just as soft and gentle as any other woman he had ever been with. Now that was a side of her he would love to see.
He lingered over the thought for several minutes before finally realizing that he had to do something about this. There was that little voice in his head that sounded oddly like Maes again shouting, "Roy! What are you doing, you big idiot? Tell her already! What's the harm! Talk to her! You can't keep doing this to yourself!"
My heart can't take the beating
Of not having you to hold
A small voice keeps repeating
Deep inside my soul
It says I can't keep pretending
I don't love you anymore
Another few sleepless hours, and Mustang was already longing for the sun to come up just so he could go to work. Wow, now that really didn't sound like him, he thought. Deciding that it was better to be up and making himself busy than lying there in bed pretending to himself that he was asleep.
He walked into the kitchen and began to make a fresh pot of coffee, the one from the previous morning still being there and quite stale. While the scent of new coffee filled the room along with the sounds of it bubbling, he turned to the window and stared out over the grounds. If he stared hard enough, he could almost see the female officer's quarters far off in the distance. He stared intently, looking for her window, but it was too dark to see.
Now things were just getting ridiculous. He couldn't take it anymore! The strain on his heart and soul was too much! It was starting to affect him in more ways than one. He had been saying to himself for months how he had to do something to stop all this madness. Maybe now was the time.
Yes, he decided. Something had to be done, and it would be done right now. It was now or never.
I've got to take the chance or let it pass by
If I expect to get on with my life
And I can't hide the way I feel
About you anymore
I can't hold the hurt inside
Keep the pain out of my eyes anymore
His heart began to pound as he drew closer and closer to the telephone. He was really going to do this. He was really about to confess to Hawkeye everything that he had been wanting to tell her for months now. It was too late to stop himself now.
He picked up the phone and dialed her number as though it were second nature, waiting patiently through one ring…two rings…three rings…
"Hawkeye," a tired voice said on the other end.
Mustang breathed deeply and, using her first name for the first time ever, said, "Riza?"
Her voice instantly became more attentive as she said, "Colonel Mustang, sir? What's wrong? Has something happened?"
"No, it's all right," he replied. "Calm down. I just…" He paused. He couldn't stop. This was it. "I'm sorry I'm calling so late. I…" Again he trailed off.
He could hear her stirring out of bed as she said, "Sir, is something the matter? Please tell me what's wrong."
With one more deep breath, he mustered up his courage and finally said, "Riza, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a while now."
My tears no longer waiting
Oh, my resistance ain't that strong
And my mind keeps recreating
A love with you alone
And I'm tired of pretending
I don't love you anymore
Anymore
Anymore