She is mesmerizing. Everything about her, how she looks, how she smells, her touch, just her presence in a room. I have never really been in love before but I think this is love. Yes, I love her. If only I could tell that to her face. She's like one of my butterflies. I keep them locked up so I can observe them. If I let them go, they may fly away forever, and I could never see them again. I can just observe her. Because if I open up, she may fly away forever. I just can't risk that. That's why I live my job. It's consistent. Love is anything but consistent. I guess I'm afraid. I throw everything I have and everything I am into work. And work will never change, never leave. But what if I throw everything into her. She may leave. With everything that I am. I would be so lost. But I guess I'm lost now.
Somehow I keep hurting her. I wish she'd just understand. I can't do this. And I can't put her through this. She deserves so much better. She's young, smart, beautiful, funny…so close to perfection. And I cant even imagine what she sees in me. I'm old, inhibited, boring and I don't know how to love. I am by no means a people person. I can't interact safely with strangers let alone someone who means the world to me. And she does. She means the world to me.
I'm afraid. I know I couldn't handle rejection. And with my brilliant relationship record, rejection is a very likely possibility. I always seem to screw this kind of stuff up. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy. I couldn't just have her for a night or a week or a month or a year. I don't settle for anything less than forever. Sure, I've tried to forget her, to move on. Once I tried a one night stand with one Lady Heather, but only because I wouldn't need to open up to her. She just knew me. No struggling with emotions. No tears, no fears. But I didn't love her. That's why I could have just one night. There was also Terri Miller. Another relationship to add to my repetroir of screwed up relationships. It's scientific, one of the Freudian defense mechanisms is deplacement. So basically, it means I substituted these women for her. Because I knew I couldn't have her.
I try so hard to repress my feelings about her. I don't mean to lead her on. I would never purposely hurt her. However I do end up hurting her so very much. Sometimes I just can't repress my feelings anymore. I break down. I say something that I truly mean. What I wish I could say freely, instead of on accident.
"Since I met you"
"Honey this doesn't look good"
"Come on I'll take you home"
Then, a few years back, I finally lost it. Her name was Debbie, but I knew it was my angel. So dead. So final. Too late to love her. Too late to tell her how you feel. I didn't want that to happen to me. God, what would I do if she died? I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to go on. I put so much into that case. Three or four straight shifts. I know that it wasn't logical, but when has anything ever been logical about her. Then I found Debbie's killer. A doctor. Her boss. Older. They hadn't been afraid, they tried it out. Then Debbie moved on. Dr.Lurie didn't. Angry. Hurt. Sad. We didn't have enough for a conviction. He walked. He was a murderer. And I could relate to him. I never wanted to be in his position. Because I knew I would snap, too.
I had excuses. Rationalizations. How ironic that I lectured her about rationalizations and yet mine have been haunting me for years. I'm too old. I'm her boss. I could lose my job. I'm losing my hearing. She was with that Hank guy. I was with that Lady Heather girl. Not worth the risk. My brain, my logic has been screaming at me for ages. My heart, however, has been singing a different tune. Age is only a number, either of us could die anytime. It's not like I gave her the promotion anyway, so my status doesn't matter. I brought this lab from #14 to #2, they aren't that stupid to fire me. I had the damn surgery, I'm fine. She never loved Hank, I just knew, I was jealous anyway though. I never loved Heather, I just knew, I wanted to feel alive for once, it didn't do anything. How can you say she's not worth the risk if you are thinking about her 24/7 she is on my mind constantly? Everywhere I go, its "Look at that cute baby. I wonder what our baby would look like…" or at a store "What a pretty shirt. What would it look like on her?" Or in the park on my favorite bench "What a great view of the lake. If only I could share this with her."
Am I happy? In no way shape or form am I happy. And I know how to become happy, for she makes me happy. But to find her, get her, I would have to roll the dice. And if I roll the dice, I may end up with a lower number than I started with. And that kind of hell would be unimaginable for me. So I stay here, and don't do anything, my life in permanent limbo.
A/N: Thanx for sticking it out with me on my first fic. A review would be nice, but I am grateful enough that you bothered to read my stuff anyway…