A/N: Hahah, if you're reading this, you've gleefully chosen to read my collection of spontaneous one-shot Comedy Kingdom Hearts stories! Each chapter is a new tale, all varying between short and long format, so I don't know how long I'll make each one. I will be updating this randomly, and I'll happily accept all comments and criticism.

Readers Discretion Advised: Each story contains a lot of swearing and such, so please, don't continue if you can't handle it.

Disclaimer: I own the stories I make, not the characters, game and such. Squaresoft and Disney do, and perhaps Natsume, Nintendo, and other main companies that might own things within these one-shots. However, I do own a few characters, that would be including myself in this chapter, and my friends, whom own themselves… and another friend, who owns two other characters in a future story.

Also, I'd like to thank Mr. Unimportant for allowing me to nick a few lines from him :D

With all that over with, let's start these stories off with Fangirls! This is probably a small example of a short one. XD

Attack of the Fangirls!

It was a normal, shadowy day in Traverse Town; the multicoloured lights swirling continuously into the dark sky like fireworks out of course. People lumbered about the districts, avoiding harmless Shadows and talking to one another without a care in the world. Occasionally, a complaint would issue from a person, but otherwise, there were no complaints in the bustling (a rare) town.

In a Café, just off to the west in a secluded corner of the First District, sat our three favourite protagonists… And for all you idiots out there, those three would be Riku, Sora, and Kairi (but we all know that only a few people like her…). Anyway, they were sitting in their favourite, rounded-table-and-square-shaped-stool-ed table, guzzling down soda and taking precise bites out of candy apples… in Sora's case… Waffled stuffed peppers. He continued shoving them down his throat, Riku watching with his mouth hanging open, and Kairi in mid-bite.

"Do you know," Riku started, "how fucking disgusting that is?" Sora looked up, syrup dripping off his chin and bits of red pepper on his top lip. He tilted his head, shaking it stupidly.

"Nope, it's pretty good," he replied, forking a bit and sticking it an inch from Riku's face. Riku looked revolted, his nose wrinkling as he scooted his stool back a bit, Kairi watching in stupidity and awe.

"Ugh," Riku said, pushing the fork away and right into Sora's face, "I'll pass."

Sora looked a little put out, but either way, disregarded it, and continued eating his (fourth) helping of stuffed peppers, Sora's style. Kairi, whom had been watching silent the whole time, blinked. "How …" she lost her train of thought, and Riku and Sora looked at her expectantly.

"How turned on I am!" She said, wide eyed. Sora blinked, looking as though he had inhaled a wagon through his nose, and a watermelon had been lodged in his nasal cavity. He choked, his cheeks turning blue, as Kairi watched with her still, wasted expression.

"Coughchoke, WHAT?" Sora asked, gasping for breath as he swallowed his food hard. Kairi gave an odd sort of giggle snort, and she stood up, leaning over the table and looking right at Sora when--

"BACK OFF YOU MEDICATION-TAKING-BANANA-FUCKING-WHORE!" Sora shouted, falling off his chair, Riku watching in complete perplexed ways. Sora was breathing heavily, and Kairi was staring at him, head tilted.

"What? What did I do?" She asked. Riku leaned over slightly towards Sora.

"Er.. it's the meds again…" he whispered, and Sora nodded. He stood up soon after, followed by Sora, and Kairi, confused, stood up as well. All paid for their food, and Sora wiped off his face.

"Okay, so, are we going home?" Kairi asked dumfounded, again tilting her head. Riku once made a comment that when she did that, it looked like she broke her neck. This ended in a nice case of scrambled eggs, leaving him in the fetal position for three hours, five minutes and six seconds… with a coconut lodged up his ass. He coughed, having remembered, and nodded meekly.

"Yep, where else are we supposed to go?" he asked, shrugging. He began walking through the crowded Café, and Sora followed along, his Keyblade slung over his shoulder like a gun. Kairi rolled her eyes, and followed along as they slinked out of the Café, and soon found themselves standing in the chilly, but not too chilly, First District Center.

Kairi grumbled something as they trudged past a few blabber-mouthing-bad-smelling-tall-freaking people. Sora didn't seem to hear her, and Riku simple ignored the young girl. She scowled, crossing her arms as she followed Sora and Riku to the small set of stairs that led to a few shops on a small slope. She sat down moodily, Riku watching her like a hawk as he leaned against the short banister, and Sora laughing stupidly as he tried to swat a bird with his Keyblade. Riku rolled his eyes, and Kairi giggled.

"What's up Kairi?" Riku asked, but Kairi seemed to ignore him.

"Where are we supposed to be picked up?" she asked, glaring around the bustling square. Riku shrugged.

"Here," he replied coolly. "Donald said he would pick us up in the Gummi ship."

"What the hell? The Gummi? That thing is like uber tiny!" Kairi protested, much like a child would.

Riku nodded. "Well, it's our only trip home… so …." He trailed off, watching Sora finally swatting the bird out of the air, onto the ground, and proceeded to crush the poor vertabrae with the handle of his weapon. He merely sighed, shaking his head at the boy's stupidity, before advancing towards the great doors which led to a large launch pad for travelers. Er, if that made any sense.

Kairi shrugged, staring at the crushed, bloody pulp that was once a sparrow, and followed Riku, who was following after Sora. They walked through a complaining group of wanderers, and soon found themselves standing at the large, towering doors. It wasn't long for them to stop their small conversation (which was about finding a secret stash of Ansem plush toys and porno mags.)

"You mean, you didn't see that picture of Yuffie in the-" Sora started, snorting.

Riku shrugged, "I don't think I wanted to see it…"

"HAHAHA, It was HOT PINK," Sora exclaimed and rushed off into a certain amount of insults and or … who knows.

"Wait," Riku said, cutting the boy off from his random slur of … whatever he was saying, they all lost track after "And it was THIS BIG".

"…What? WHAT? Did you see… it … again? You know, light blue—" Sora started, but was cut off when Riku put a hand out to stop him.

"…No, dumbass," Riku stated coolly. "Can't you hear it?"

"Hear what? … Pigs?" Sora asked stupidly. Kairi at that moment, cupped a hand over her nose and mouth, looking rather green in the cheeks.

"Ughh, it smells like popcorn and perfume!" she stated in muffled tones. Sora looked to Riku with a side-glance, and that's when the realization shot through them in a massive wave of destruction.

"It's… it's…" Sora started, unable to get the words out.

"It's like a shaking sound," Riku said, seeming to ignore Sora.

"Then that means…" Sora started. Riku and Sora looked right at each other.

"IT'S THE FANGIRLS!" they screamed in unison, holding their ground.

"RUN!" Kairi screamed, but it was too late; The First District was now empty of all civilians, and as they could see, from all corners and doors… they came…

Hundreds upon hundreds of squeeing girls flooded into the area, many holding multicoloured signs that stated, "MARRY ME!" or "I WANT IN YOUR PANTS!". Sora, Riku and Kairi backed up into the corner, surrounded by the girls of all ages, sizes, and from the looks of it … well, let's just say they weren't some of the nicest folks.

"MARRY ME SORA!" One of the girls near the front screamed. She was average height, with blonde hair reaching her waist, and glasses tipping over the brink of her nose. A girl was standing next to her, looking as though she was trying to keep it all in… keep it aaaall in. She was taller than the first girl, with slightly roan-red hair and shades pulled up to cover her eyes.

"WHAT THE FUCK? WHO SAYS YOU GET HIM?" One girl, far back, complained to the blonde, who seemed very disturbed.

"I DO, JACKFACE BITCH!" Replied the blonde before turning around and holding up her middle finger for the protesting crowd.

"Well, Ellyn, we've found them," the tall friend said, staring at Sora and Riku with a sense of "I'm-going-to-squee-really-loud-if-you-come-any-closer" type look. "After… how long?"

"I don't care," the girl now dubbed as Ellyn replied, but she smirked at Sora. "Jen, you do the honors."

"Honors? Uwah?" Jen replied, but disregarded it and walked up to Riku.

"Can I poke your biceps?" she asked, smiling innocently.

"Er, why?" Riku asked, and looked to Ellyn with a sense of perplexed-wisdom.

"You're ripped, hawt, and wear three belts… I don't know, I just said that… but she likes poking people," Ellyn replied, smirking. "And if you don't let her, you'll probably be stuck in a crevice somewhere …" she trailed off, smirking again.

"Uh… okay?" Riku said, shrugging. Jen smiled, mumbling something, and poking his arm. She smiled.

"Okay, I'm done…"

Riku looked at Sora, whom had over ten girls hanging off his arms, hugging him, and touching him, yet he didn't seem to mind. "Er, Sora," Riku started, "you know you're being molested by fangirls, right?"

"Hella yes… and it feels good!" Sora replied, smiling his infamous butt-kicking smile.

Riku sighed, and looked to the many girls, whom were all watching, quietly, with wide eyes and dribbling lips. "Okay, what do you all want?"

"Well we-" they chanted, Jen and Ellyn standing off behind Riku, staring at Kairi with a sense of dislike. The girls were cut off, however, because one girl in the very far back screamed: "IT'S KAIRI'S FANBOY! RUN FOR THE HILLS!"

And at that, all of the girls went silent before breaking into a fit of high-pitched screams, that even made Jen and Ellyn cover their ears. All the girls, panicking, fled, leaving Riku, Sora, a confused Kairi, and a devious looking Jen and Ellyn behind. It all happened too fast…

A boy, tall, with dark hair sped into the square, and had Kairi flat on her back in a major glomp-attack in a few seconds. Jen and Ellyn shook their heads in disbelief, watching the girl being crushed by the older teen.

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! IT'S KAIRI!" He screamed as Sora and Riku attempted to get him off of Kairi.

"Ellyn, we should help…" Jen said, watching. Ellyn, however, shook her head.

"No way! He could kill her! Then… we could make them our personal slaves! MUHAHAHAH!" Ellyn replied, and it was Jen's turn to shake her head.

"Then we won't have anyone to … you know… torture," she replied with a small sigh. "As much I would like to see her dead, you know we're going to have to be … "nice"."

"Gr, I guess," Ellyn said slowly, and she grabbed one of the ankles that belonged to the teen. Jen grabbed the other and looked to Ellyn.

"Okay, on three!"

"One…"

"SCREW IT! THREE!"

Both girls heaved, and the boy was pulled off, now lying on his stomach, yet clutching to Kairi's leg. Sora and Riku helped the dazed Kairi up, and looked at her. "Are you okay?" Sora asked, dusting her off.

"Yeah… uh… Fanboy?" Kairi said, looking down at the teen. "Flattered as I may be… that's just wrong."

"Marcus, let go," Ellyn stated, crossing her arms. Marcus, the boy, shook his head.

"Noooo way!" he protested, clutching to Kairi's leg more.

"Marcus," Jen said, sounding like a teacher talking to a student. "Let go."

"No," Marcus stated clearly, his face looking up at Kairi, who was staring right back down.

Jen and Ellyn advanced again, but Kairi stopped them with a flick of her hand. "No, it's okay," she said, smirking evilly. The two girls shrugged, and stepped back, watching what Kairi was about to do.

"Yo, sorry about this," Kairi said, bringing her foot back and… with a teeth-grinding crack, stomped heavily on Marcus' face, breaking his nose and creating quite the rivet in the center of his face.

"Oh god… Kairi touched me!" he said, letting go weakly. "I'm never getting reconstructive surgery on my face again!" Sora and Riku moved Kairi away, staring all the while at Marcus as Jen and Ellyn advanced on him, grabbing a leg each, and beginning to drag him off.

"Well, er… nice meeting you!" Jen bid, waving, Ellyn doing the same.

"Yep! And remember, if Kairi dies—" She started, Jen finishing off for her:

"Our numbers are in your pockets!"

And with that, they disappeared in a puff of acid green smoke, leaving Sora, Kairi and Riku to stand, confused, at the doors. "Er…" Riku started, looking at his two friends, who also stood, dumfounded beyond belief.

"Well, I guess we'll have some girls to pick up later…" Sora said uncertainly, only to receive a nice smack in the back of the head from Kairi, knocking him unconscious.

"Let's go home," she said, grabbing him by the hair and beginning to walk out. Riku shrugged, looking back once, and followed along.