Author's Notes: Can't say much about this, but the next chapter of this collection will be on hold, as this one has taken place. :3 Thanks, Des, who made this chapter just for the hell of it.

Its short, but no one cares!

The Sanctuary

"First, there was silence.

"…and purity.

"THEN…

"There was squealing, giggling, yelling, smacking, smooching, glomping, Tidus-swinging sound effecting, killing, and sexing.

"…and whorishness."

Perched atop a palm tree back on the good ol' god-forsaken rock of Paradise Island, home to the whole Kingdom Hearts fiction cast, was Desert Secrets, otherwise known as Des, clad in nothing but her famous teeny-weeny school girl uniform, holding a microphone and speaking into an invisible camera crew.

"That's right, folks, its DEE ESS time, with your one and only host, Des! A break from the norm, a switch from the regular, a little bit of flavor within this massive bowl of fan fiction flavored ramen!" Another short silence, and the waves rolled in, the sun glittering down on the water and casting painfully into the eyes of whoever was gullible enough to fall for the "LOOKSORA'SNAKED" trick. Des frowned, looked around her, noticed for the umpteenth time in her life that yes, no one was watching her talk to herself. No one other then the seagulls, and the sand crabs, and the annoying ugly fish that skittered about in the water below her.

Suddenly rather fed up, Des slid down the trunk of the palm tree, microphone in hand, and seized the sleeping Tidus from 'neath its shade.

"W-whatthefug" he stammered, suddenly aware that once again he was being hauled around the island by the girl that loved him, or simply took amusement in beating him, so, and relaxed once more.

Unfortunately for him, this was probably the stupidest thing someone could do while in the arms of our miss Des, and as she noticed that he was growing all to comfortable with her holding him, she swung him three times in a massive circle and sent him reeling through the air to land in an uncharted part of the island, and she stormed forward, muttering profanities in foreign languages.

Though, thankfully, the 'uncharted part of the island' just so happened to be the top secret boy's only hideout that the male population of the island had created...

The original reason for such a guild was to simply annoy the females and further invoke curiosity and longing to spend time with the said males, but it had sort of transformed into a refuge from being demolished and blown into smithereens. Tidus landed with a crash, rubbed his head of blonde hair, winced as he stared at the little painted sign outside the club. Much to his surprise, the previously titled 'Boy's Club' sign had been changed to read 'sanctuary for discarded characters' in big, sopping wet red paint letters.

Tidus pushed open the door, looked inside and saw none other then the few ninja from the past episode; Sasuke, Kakashi, and Naruto, as well as the long haired bishounnen, Sesshoumaru. Kadaj frowned as his hand of cards and uttered a grim "I fold", dared not to watch as the other long white haired bishounnen, Sephiroph, grinned madly and began to brag about how amazing he was, and how he'd killed Aeries and screwed her lover.

Tidus now had the attention of the room, and Riku raised an eyebrow. "Ooh, look," he murmured, "Its Des' bitch." Tidus rubbed his aching head, smiled sarcastically, and took a seat next to Sephiroph.

"Very funny, asshole," he groaned, "I just got my ass thrown across this entire goddamn island. Not exactly in the mood." Naruto looked up from his Japanese dictionary, Sasuke paying little attention to everything that was happening, and the blonde cocked his head to the side.

"You think THAT'S bad? Did you see what happened to ME last episode?" Tidus shook his head.

"Oh," Naruto remarked, "Of course not. You were out cold underneath Deserts' arm." Tidus sighed, placed his head in his hands.

"These women are going to be the end of us" he moaned, "I can't possibly survive with this going on much longer!"

Sora inspected his hand, reclined in a chair with his feet up.

"Sure you can," he said quietly, "You can come here. At least we've got a sanctuary." Tidus frowned.

"I was going to ask about that," he began, "Why is our sign changed to 'sanctuary for discarded characters'?" Sesshoumaru looked up, yellow eyes shining softly.

"Think about it," he said, "You get used all the time. You're constantly in the spot light. Us, however? We're left to ROT when the issue is finished. Take last issue, for example. The Bish Tournament. So you guys magically poof off to some anime convention, and where are WE, HUH! We're trapped in the middle of NO WHERE only to dig our way with a plastic spoon back to this island, and where do we go from where? WHERE! We have no where! We've been DISCARDED."

Kadaj nodded, agreeing with what Sesshoumaru had to say. "God, I was only in the limelight for all of twenty seconds, I swear. Just enough to get a breath of fresh air and then BAM, I was internet floaties."

Sora smiled, rubbed his tummy. "Mmmm, internet floaties…" Everyone looked over to him for a moment, and Sasuke stood, frowning and casting his shadow menacingly down upon Sora. The blue eyed boy looked at Sasuke in fear, crunched up into a smaller ball, eyes large and Bambi like.

"S-s-s-asuke, don't kill me, p-p-please…" he stammered, unaware of the ninja's reasons for standing all so suddenly.

"Shut up, baka," Sasuke said, "I think I hear something coming . . . something big." Kakashi stood at this as well, craned his neck and made a funnel around his ear with his hands.

"No, Sasuke, its not big, its actions are large and heavy."

"Indicates anger," Sephiroph stated, "..you know why I know this? Because I killed Aeries and screwed her lover. He had one biiiiggg sword." No one paid any attention to Sephiroph, as he did this constantly, but the members of the formerly known as 'boy's club' were now more then fearful.

"EVERYONE ALWAYS DITCHES ME! TIDUS, WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU YOU'RE GOING TO censor!" censored for rating reasons. This goes on for quite some time, so sit back, relax, grab some popcorn or something. You know, take a pee break. Everyone needs that once in a while. Feed the massive elephant living under your ass, call your sister obscene names, get out for some fresh air. Yes, it does exist.

Thanks for waiting.

And I'm done.

Sora went an appalling shade of white, and Sesshoumaru fell sideways off of his chair, attempting sadly to scurry from the building and to higher ground in hopes of avoiding what was about to happen.

Every man in that location would soon be in for the beating of their lives, and Tidus would be in for the biggest censored you really don't want to know. Porn addicts. /censor.

However, Riku was a quick thinker, a real smart cookie, and he dug into the closet, found Yuna's skeleton and took the clothing from her. Grabbing Sora and stripping him naked before jamming him into Yuna's old garb, the white haired boy shoved Sora out the door and slammed it behind him.

"You're doing this for all of us," he said, "thanks for saving our asses! Bye, Sora, err, I mean, YUNA BAIT!"

Sora's knee's shook, and he could hear the sounds of the members of the formerly-known-as-boy's-club flee from the premises, running for the hills. A step, followed by another step, followed by the hair raising sounds of Desert Secrets' knuckle's cracking.

"Tidus, I…" Desert Secrets stood, frozen, eyes set on Sora, who looked a lot like Yuna. He held the staff weakly within his clenched fists, waved half-assedly.

"Uh, hi," he murmured, "I-I can explain. You see, I really don't want to die, so it would be great if you'd jus-"

"BITCH!" Des cried, leaping through the air and landing on Sora's frame, slamming it into the ground, "RETURNING FROM THE DEAD TO STEAL MY BOYFRIEND? I THINK NOT! AND ON MY FIC DAY, TOO! WHO THE censored you know the drill. /censored DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU censored you know this like the back of j00r hand /censored!"

The sun was setting, and Des was once again sitting atop the palm tree, gazing off into the distance. A happy, adorable grin was laid across her lips, Tidus sitting with his arm around her waist, asleep and looking really rather bruised. She sighed, happily, inspected her nails before closing her eyes.

She had long since torn the clothing off of Sora before realizing that the boy was, in fact, not Yuna, where she proceeded to beat him harder for being an imposter. All in a day's work, she thought. Though, she'd lay down her microphone for a while; being the host of a fanfiction was hard work, she reasoned. She'd leave it up to Jen. That way, she'd be able to beat people with two hands.

"And this is Dee Ess, signing' out. Look for another insert by none other then moi in the future!"

3, Desert Secrets