I'm updating Episodes One and Two along with the Prologue. Because I'm NICE. Oh, and since I pretend to ignore the existence of Duel Masters, forgive me if I spell some of their card names wrong. Like I CARE.
UPDATE: The original version had a lot of clever spaces inserted, but unfortunately, HTML is a fickle little snot. Thus, the best way to read this fic is one line at a time. Seriously. It helps.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo. I do own their illegiminate bastard child, however. But I don't actually look at it much.
YUGIOH-OH OH-OHOH!
EPISODE ONE: The Power of the Mysterious Card! Matt and The Ninja's Mighty Duel Expressions!
It was a normal day at the Kame Game Shop.
"Congratulations, Joey," Matt Willard quipped, his eyes going back to his duel with Serenity Wheeler, a most promising student. "You found a CARD. IN AN ALLEY."
Yep. Normal.
"Yeah, but there's somethin' about dis card," Joey Wheeler said, rotating and twisting the card so he could catch all of its angles. "It...well, it spoke ta me."
YEP.
Tristan Taylor clapped a hand on Joey's shoulder. "Joey, if you're on the sauce, I think you should lay off of it."
Nothin' weird happening here.
"But I like sauce! 'Specially barbeque."
"I must agree," Matt said. To Serenity, he muttered, "Silent Swordsman LV7."
DAMN IT, WHY HASN'T IT HAPPENED YET!
"What was THAT?" Yugi Moto said as he entered the den with drinks.
"What was what?" Tea Gardner asked, taking the awaiting Coca-Cola.
"That really loud scream."
"Oh, that?" Serenity laid a card facedown. "That's the narrator."
No, it's not.
"Dude, you've been talkin' for a whole half-hour now," Matt said. "We know you're here."
PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!
"Whatever." Tristan sat cross-legged on the floor, near the table where Matt and Serenity's duel played out. "How'd you take out his Silent Swordsman?"
"I just used The Agent of Force-Mars after I used Dian Keto to increase my Life Points," Serenity explained.
"It was a good move, too," Matt agreed.
Humph. The foolish children may have ignored the narrator, but little did they realize of the incredible perils awaiting them. For the card Joey Wheeler found was no ordinary Duel Monsters card! NO! It was something of UNIMAGINABLE POWER!
"We can still hear you, ya know," Joey said.
Damn it! We whisper. (It was something of UNIMAGINABLE POWER!)
"Still hear it."
FINE. We go to the other room, and continue where we were RUDELY interrupted.
BEFORE THE DAY WAS OVER, Yugi and his friends would rue the day Joey Wheeler rummaged in the garbage! RUE! RUE IT ALL! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
"I think I should just go shoot that damn narrator," Matt muttered.
Just then, the card Joey had laid down on the side erupted into a burst of swirling light!
"OH MY GOD!" Matt bent down and picked something up. "I FOUND A PENNY!"
"What's happening!" Serenity cried out, and Tristan took this as the opportunity to wrap his manly arm around her shoulder.
From within Yugi's Millenium Puzzle, the Pharaoh Yami Yugi gasped. "I sense a great disturbance in the Force!"
"No, that's just gas!" Yugi explained as he was promptly sucked into the card.
"Bye, Mr. Moto!" Joey said as he was sucked in. "We'll be right back!"
"I like your new carpet!" Tea called out, and she was sucked in.
"Am I the only one who thinks this is a PROBLEM!" Serenity screamed angrily.
Matt folded his arms and glanced at Serenity, the card dragging him in. "Yes."
With a final cry, Serenity was dragged in as well. Tristan had to hold on, because, man, that was a great shot of her chest from here.
And so they all tumbled, tumbled down the rabbit hole
OF DOOM
toward this brave new world! What new challenges awaited them that could be solved by a simple game of Duel Monsters? Was there food where they were going, and if so, would it fit to Tea's restrictive diet? And by the Gods, what does this have to do with anything? Find out, next time on YUGIOH-OH OH-OHOH!
"Mr. Narrator, we've still got twenty minutes left," a stagehand reminds us.
We do? Ah, damn it. Put on a commcerial or something.
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SEX
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ANNNNNNNNND we're back.
Welcome back to YUGIOH-OH OH-OHOH! Just a few moments ago, we witnessed a great play! Let's look at that more closely.
Now, over here Matt and Serenity were playing Duel Monsters, when Joey comes in with that card, totally changing the direction of the scene! Despite some interference from the Narrator and Yugi's surprising drink entrance, everything went off smoothly for Joey's team, and with a play like that he's expected to make MVP for the third year.
Now let's get back to the story.
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When the ground eventually met up with Yugi and his friends, it didn't act very nice and hit them a lot harder than it should've.
"OW!"
As a result, the ground was placed in the penalty box, until he's thought about what he's done. Meanwhile, our now bruised heroes pick themselves up and exmaine the scene.
"Where the hell are we?" Matt asked, holding his aching head.
"A forest, maybe?" Tristan offered.
"Thanks, smartass."
"Oh, look!" Serenity pointed at a sign. "Here's a sign! Maybe this'll tell us where we are."
"Okay, how do signs work OTHERWISE, Serenity?" Matt snapped, obviously not in a good mood.
Yugi bent foward to look at the sign. "Well, anyway, let's see where we are."
It said:
WELCOME TO
A FOREST
"Well, that was a waste of time."
"You bet your ASS!" Matt promptly swung his fist near him.
"Matt, see this?" Joey held up a bit of air between his finger and thumb. "It's called a chill pill. So shaddup."
"Ugh. I'm sorry." Matt held his head. "That fall just hurt like hell."
Suddenly, three shruiken struck the dirt before him!
Well, more like they just kinda clattered there. It wasn't any sort of cool move where their tips stuck into the ground, just inches away from burying themselves in Matt's shoe. Nethertheless, the poor display of skill was enough to send everyone's gaze to a nearby tree branch.
...something crouched there.
It had arms and legs, but beyond the orange spikes and ninja outfit Matt couldn't tell what it was. With a cold, steady glare, it readied another shruiken. "You FIEND."
"What?"
"I could tell from the moment you arrived that you were of the cruel sort, but never would I have guessed just how much until I heard such harmful words coming from your mouth!" The ninja's gaze narrowed. "You DISGUST ME."
Matt glanced back and forth. "Um...you talkin' about me?"
"Yes!"
"Well, I-"
"FIEND!"
Matt paused, unsure of how to reply to that. He decided to just finish his original thought. "Look, I'm sorry, but I just fell a long way, and it hurt really badly. I apologized, though."
"He did." Tea nodded. "Though it had no feeling."
"Lies!" The ninja leapt from the tree, and landed solidly on the earth. "They're just protecting you! They don't know...what I know!" His eye twinkled.
"What do you know about me?" Matt asked.
The ninja held up a finger. "I know..."
The camera zoomed in REALLY CLOSELY.
"I KNOW YOU HAVE ONE OF THE WORLD GEMS!"
A pause.
After that, Matt laughed. "This guy's officially awesome."
"Don't play your GAMES!" the ninja shouted. He pulled out a deck of-what else?-Duel Monster cards. "Speaking of games, I challenge you to a DUEL!"
Matt's eye twinkled. "A DUEL, you say? Well, good thing I always have my trusty deck on me!" With a flourish, he pulled out his own deck.
"Matt, what the hell are you doing?" Tristan said. "You can't just duel him to settle your stupid argument!"
"Tristan, you had a duel to determine whether or not you were going to have a bowl of pork rinds."
"GO MATT!"
As the duelists readied their cards, as well as found a table, Yugi pondered. "Hmmm. Maybe we DO solve everything through dueling. Maybe we should use our brains and our brawn to solve our problems, just like our ancestors did before us!"
Tea and Joey just looked at Yugi before erupting in laughter.
"I'll start things off by summoning Horus the Black Flame Dragon LV4(1600/1000) to the field in attack mode!" Matt slapped down his card, and an image of the silver dragonling roared its tiny challenge behind him. "And I'll place one card facedown and end my turn."
The ninja chuckled. "Bad move! Now I'll tear you apart!" He held up his card. "I summon IMMORTAL BARON VORG(2000 ATK)!"
"What!"
"Go! Break his shield!" The huge mace-fisted warrior with 2000 points of power slammed his spiky fist down on Matt's facedown card, and destroyed it.
"Dude, you play DUEL MASTERS!" Matt snapped. "That game sucks!"
"N-No!" the ninja interjected. "You're LYING AGAIN!"
"No I'm-"
"FIEND!"
"No I'm NOT!" Matt drew his next card. "And I'll prove it by trashing your stupid Duel Monster ripoff card! I'll play Level Up, which allows me to advance Horus to his LV6 form without going through the requirements! Come on out, Horus the Black Flame Dragon LV6(2300/1600)!"
An aura of light overtook Horus LV4, and as he changed shape and increased in power, his LV6 form roared, this time with a more serious bass behind it. Matt continued rambling on like he did. "And Horus's effect prevents any Spell Cards from being used on him!"
The ninja gasped. No! Duel Masters has Spell cards, too!
Matt's stride kept right on going. "Now here comes Cost Down! By discarding a card from my hand, I can lower the level of all monsters in my hand by 2! And, since I didn't play a Normal Summon already, I can bring out Silent Swordsman LV5(2300/1000)!"
"Wait a minute," the ninja interrupted. "Shouldn't he be called 'Silent Swordsman LV3'?"
"Why's that?"
"Well, you lowered him to level 3, and since part of his name comes from his level, I would've thought the name would be changed too."
"Nah. There's already a Silent Swordsman LV3, anyway."
"Oh, okay." The ninja's eyes widened. "OH, CRAP!"
"Now, Horus, attack his Immortal Baron Vorg!" Powerful flames overtook the Duel Master monster and destroyed it. Matt waved with his hand. "Hit him hard, Silent Swordsman LV5! Mach Blade Striker!"
Silent Swordsman LV5 dashed foward at supersonic speeds and pierced the ninja with the power of fakeness, and the blow was so great that two of the ninja's shields flew high. "Wait! How did you break two shields at once!"
"How did you manage to play Immortal Baron Vorg in a game of Duel Monsters without being penalized by the elite gods of gaming?"
"Touche." One of the shields flew to the ninja's hand. "Unfortunately, one of my shields was a Shield Trigger, and this particular one is the mighty Bolshack Dragon! Come out and win this duel for me!"
"I don't think so!" Matt's trap flipped up. "I play Drop Off, which makes you discard the card you just drew!"
"Gah!" The ninja discarded the mighty dragon, growling. "You're good."
"Thank you."
"But..." The ninja grinned evilly. "Now I think it's time I stopped holding back on you."
Matt laughed. "Stopped holding back? And here I thought you just sucked!"
"Oh, but I have been holding back," the ninja explained. "I've been testing your skill-and now that I've seen it, it's time to play my strongest card!"
The ninja spread his arms and laughed. Behind him, the background moved to more sinister colors. "And when I play it, this duel will be OVER!"
As the camera showed Matt's slightly nervous face, the ominous writing of "TO BE CONTINUED" appeared under his chin, ready to draw us into this tension-filled cliffhanger.
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Oh, no, what has Matt gotten himself into? He was doing well now, but for some reason, the ninja's declaration of his strongest card could put him on edge! It's too bad that union rules force us to end this episode here right before the most dramatic moment, but that's Hollywood for you! Join us next time for:
EPISODE TWO: Introducing the Fist of the Nose Hair! The Battle With Dramatic Implications!
Read it, or we'll KILL YOU!