I'm updating Episodes One and Two along with the Prologue. Because I'm NICE.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo. I do own their illegiminate bastard child, however. But I don't actually look at it much.
YUGIOH-OH OH-OHOH!
EPISODE TWO: Introducing the Fist of the Nose Hair! The Battle With Dramatic Implications!
Placing characters where they don't belong, it's Matt Willard and Serenity Wheeler!
"There are some sharks I refuse to jump," Matt said, leaning back in his chair.
Serenity smiled at the camera. "Welcome to F-Play, the show where we mercilessly review fanfiction for your sadistic amusement."
"Guess what?" Matt asked. "'It's Hard To Be Snape's Daughter' still sucks!"
"For the fifth time, we know," Serenity replied. "Now, here at F-Play, we recognize the unsung heroes of fanfiction."
"Usually the people who write good ones," Matt commented.
"True. One of these heroes is, not surprisingly, The Helldragon."
"He's known for placing characters in situations where they normally don't belong, and, more importantly, his ridiculous sense of humor," Matt explained.
"We first recognized his questionable genius in Yu-Gi-Oh Fanfiction For Dummies and shivered to the prose of the as of yet uncompleted Hive of Darkness trilogy," Serenity continued.
"Wasn't he going to turn you into some sort of spider thing in that one?" Matt asked.
She shrugged. "So I hear. Anyway, he's back!"
"With a VENGEANCE!"
Serenity smiled again. "Join us as we review 'YuGiOh-oh Oh-ohoh" for the PC!"
----------
"Now it's time to finish you off!" the ninja declared, holding up his best card, and then logically slamming it down. "I play the FORGET YOU, DUDE, IT'S OVER CARD!"
Flashes of lighting rebounded in the background behind everyone present at the duel. It looked pretty sweet, too. We gotta do that more often.
"Oh, no! Not the FORGET YOU, DUDE, IT'S OVER CARD!" Joey wailed. "ANYTHING BUT THE FORGET YOU DUDE, IT'S OVER CARD!"
"What does that do?" Serenity asked.
"PFFT." He shrugged. "I dunno. But I'll bet he'll have to explain such a card in excruciating detail."
The ninja's evil grin grew wider. "This card has so much excruciating detail, I can't help but grin!"
"Oh, big whoop!" Matt snapped. "Don't tell me a card with a crappy name is your best card!"
"I will tell you just that! The FORGET YOU DUDE, IT'S OVER CARD has an incredible special ability that rivals even the Egyptian God Cards!"
A flash of lighting rebounded behind Matt as his eyes widened. Man, that's a great looking effect!
The Egyptian God Cards? But...how does he know about those? Could he...could he be who I think it is!
"What's this great ability, then?" Matt asked, trying his best to look as cool as he could muster.
"First, we have to reset the fields by shuffling our hands and monsters into our decks!" the ninja said. Pouting, Matt returned his awesome monsters and awesome hand to his awesome deck, and shuffled. Awesomely.
"Next," said the ninja, "we each draw five cards!"
They did so.
"Next, we discard our entire hands!"
They did so.
"Next, I draw until I get a monster, and play it, then return all the extra cards I drew to my deck and shuffle it!"
The ninja did so.
"Next, you have to discard one card from your deck for every 1000 ATK points my monster has!"
Matt did so.
"Next, you get to draw a new hand, discard it, then Special Summon a monster from your Graveyard, then destroy it to draw a card!"
Matt did so.
"Next, I have to destroy my monster, then we both flip a coin, and if it's on heads, we get to Special Summon a monster from our Graveyards, then sacrifice it to Special Summon a monster from our Deck, which we then use to attack each other!"
They did so.
"Next, I can make you do any one of my chores, and if not done to my satisfaction, you must decrease your Life Points by 1000 points!"
Matt did so, and the dishes were excessively dirty that night after the party.
"Next, we must play a game of Operation, and if you fail to retrieve the Charlie Horse on your first attempt I can remove it without any sort of penalty and automatically collect the money for a successful attempt!"
Yugi sighed, and sat cross-legged on the dirt, leaning against a tree. "How long is this gonna go on?"
"Until one of them flinches!" Tristan narrowed his eyes at the players. "It's like Chinese Water Torture! Matt knows something he's not telling us, and the ninja's trying to extract it! If Matt can't hold his water, then he'll spray it EVERYWHERE!"
"But, how can Matt beat a card with such excruciating detail?" Tea asked.
"I don't know..." Joey buried his face in his palm. "I just don't know."
Finally, after what seemed like an eternal cycle of effects, Matt held up his hand. "ENOUGH!"
"WHA!" A flash of lightning rebounded behind the ninja.
"I know your game," Matt explained, smirking. "In fact, I know how you work as a human being just by this one card!"
"Impossible!" More and more flashes of lighting! "You don't know anything!"
"I do!" Matt pointed at the FORGET YOU, DUDE, IT'S OVER CARD. "You ride on one card, one strategy, to take you down the easy road every time." He clenched a fist over his chest. "But dueling's all about a variety of cards and strategies, and most importantly, the friends you have!" Matt looked proudly to his friends, and smiled, and accepted their warm expressions. "My friends have helped me through the toughest times, and with them, I don't need any stinkin' ultimate victory card like you need to go on!"
"NO!"
Matt swiveled around and pointed at the ninja. "I know who you REALLY ARE, Ninja! Or should I say..."
Here it comes...
Wait for it...
Almost...
"YAMI MARIK!"
There we go.
The ninja paused, and slowly, he chuckled. "So you figured it out."
OH MY GOD I LOVE LIGHTNING FLASHES
"Yami Marik!" Yami gasped as he quickly took over Yugi. "It cannot be!"
The ninja ripped off his outfit, and there stood Yami Marik in his trademark attire and spiky golden hair, and no one noticed he was still stocky and spiky and orange. "Oh, but it is, Pharaoh! You thought you disposed of me, but little did you realize that I CAN NEVER DIE!" His face promptly twisted in a mad expression of pure insanity.
"You FIEND!" Yami stepped foward, fists clenched. "How DARE you try to harm my friends again! I'll-"
"Wait, Yami!" Matt interrupted, holding up his hand. His voice lowered to almost a whisper. "I'll take care of this."
The Pharaoh locked eyes with the young warrior, and nodding, he stepped back. With Yami's blessing, Matt turned back toward his opponent. "Now...I think it's time I won this duel!"
"You FOOL!" Yami Marik's toothy grin smiled wide and sinister. "You can't hope to match my power!"
"Yes..." Matt locked eyes with the villian. "I can."
"WHAT!"
OMGLIGHTNINGFLASH
"I haven't done it before, but these are desperate times, as the cliche goes," Matt said. A light wind blew in as he continued. "Now I must use this power, and I'll use it to defeat you!"
"Impossible!" Yami Marik swept his white gloved hand. "There's no way you can beat me!"
"Not by myself, no..."
The wind suddenly grew fierce, and like energy, it drew toward Matt. His hair began to kick up in the strong breeze. "But with this legendary power, I WILL TRIUMPH!"
Yami Marik gasped. NO! IT...CAN'T BE!
Matt screamed with all his rage, and a golden aura of energy exploded around him.
NOT THE LEGENDARY SUPER SAIYAN!
As Matt hollered his power grew. His hair rose and rose, stiffening, and suddenly their strands were gold, standing on end in a varied array of spikes, with only a few golden hairs flopping in front of his glasses. Matt's glare rolled on his opponent, and underneath his blue eyes, he smirked, showing off his greatly empowered cheekbones.
I thought I had the advantage! Yami Marik thought frantically. But...how could I have known this boy possessed the legendary power!
"What's...what's happening to him?" Serenity asked in awe.
"He's gone Super Saiyan!" Tristan blinked, astounded. "But...I thought that could only happen once every thousand years!"
"What are you TALKING about, Tristan!" But Tristan was too astounded to do nothing more than blink, so Serenity looked toward the arena for answers.
When Matt spoke, he sounded more confident, more powerful. "I realize the heights of your hair are a force to be reckoned with, Yami Marik, but my golden Super Saiyan locks easily surpass your feeble imitation!"
Damn! He's right! My hair looks a lot like Super Saiyan hair, and has fooled many others, but against the real deal, it's POWERLESS! Nethertheless, Yami Marik regained his composure. "So WHAT if you're a Super Saiyan? My FORGET YOU, DUDE, IT'S OVER CARD is still on the field, and every turn, if you fail to draw a Spell card, you run the risk of AUTOMATICALLY having to scrape the bunions off my feet with this tiny toothbrush!" He threw it in Matt's face. "YOU CAN'T WIN!"
Matt chuckled as the toothbrush bounced harmlessly off. "You think your FORGET YOU, DUDE, IT'S OVER CARD will save you from my power?" The camera zoomed WAY CLOSE to his eyes. "What if I told you that there is a more powerful card?"
"Im-Impossible!"
"Ever since its dynamic introduction in Yu-Gi-Oh! Fanfiction for Dummies, the idea of this all powerful card has been shamelessly copied," Matt explained, talking with his eyes closed like they do in anime though you never really saw that in real life. "In various names and forms it existed, but they all were philistines compared to the original! Even your FORGET YOU, DUDE, IT'S OVER CARD is just one of its bastard children!"
"What!" Tenderly Yami Marik gazed at his prize card. FORGET YOU, DUDE, IT'S OVER...I had no idea there was something out there more powerful than you...
The card nodded, and slowly, a tear dripped down its cardboard face. Yami Marik picked up the card. Oh, don't cry. He held it close. I don't care if you're a copy. I love you for who you are.
"NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO MEET THE GRANDDADDY OF ALL INSTANT WIN CARDS!" Matt screamed, power exploding around him. Veins bulged from his forehead and neck as he reached for the top of his deck. I've got to draw the right card, or Yami Marik will win this duel! I can't afford to lose now!
He held his free hand high. Everyone, please...give me your energy!
All around the land, the people and the animals heard the Super Saiyan's cry, and in unison, raised their arms. From their fingers, tiny spheres of light blue light sailed high, high into the heavens, blending with the winds. Matt's friends joined the effort, sending their life force at the mighty warrior, whose next draw influenced the fate of the world. From all around, the life streams flowed to his fingers, charging him with the power he needed to win.
"I PLAY..."
He drew his last card and held it high, an aura of light gleaming around it.
"THE FUCK YOU, BITCH, YOU'RE DEAD CARD!"
I NEED LIGHTNING FLASHES TO LIVE
"NO!" Yami Marik shouted. "THIS CANNOT BE!"
As Super Saiyan Matt slammed down the Fuck You, Bitch, You're DEAD card, a burst of powerful green light exploded from its well-illustrated card face. As the light flared, an armored knight slowly descended from the heavens, his armor and weapon being the insignia of the most powerful finger of all-the middle one.
"The Fuck You, Bitch, You're DEAD card is truly unstoppable!" Matt explained triumphantly. "It cannot be countered or negated in any way, and when it's played, it destroys every card on your side of the field!"
Yami Marik shielded himself with his gloved hands as the knight snapped his fingers, and every single card in Yami Marik's shield zone, monster zone, and mana zone was utterly obliterated by really compact napalmic power. Through the rising smoke, he saw Matt continue, pointing a finger. "AND when it's done, the Fuck You, Bitch, You're DEAD attacks you directly for INFINITY DAMAGE!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Yami Marik screamed.
"ATTACK, MY KNIGHT!" Matt commanded.
"BLOW
OF
THE
FUCK!"
At once, the emerald knight rushed Yami Marik. The evil spirit was struck from all sides by a million slashing, stabbing, crushing attacks (cubed)-but the final blow came when the knight pulled out a .44 Magnum like Dirty Harry, pointed it at the nearly beaten Yami Marik...
and fired.
The
world
went
into
slooooooooooooow
mmmmmmmmmmotion
as
Yaaaaaami
Mmmmmarik
felt
the finnnnnnnnnnal
blllllllllllow
strike
him
haaaaaaaaaaaaarddddddddddddd.
Dun dun.
Dun dun.
Dun dun.
A heart beat steadily in the background as Yami Marik clenched his orange chest, and coughed. "...damn...you..."
And then when time sped up again he collapsed and hopefully died.
The power of the Fuck You, Bitch, You're DEAD card faded, as well as Matt's Super Saiyan power. He smiled as his knees buckled. "Heh."
"MATT!" Yugi cried out, tears streaming down his boyish face as Matt Willard collapsed to the hard, cold dirt.
----------
Fortunately, a punch to the face wakes anyone up.
"OW!" Matt swore, grabbing his face. He glared at Joey, who had thrown the punch. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!"
Joey shot a glance at Tristan. "Well, we were gonna use some river water and wake you up, but TRISTAN over here insisted that we boil it first..."
"It could have germs! You want him to catch something? Be my GUEST!"
"I WILL!"
"How many in your party will be staying with us this evening?" Tristan asked, dressed in a sharp bellhop uniform.
"Two, please," Joey replied, placing a hand on Serenity's arm to make sure she was with him.
Quite an awkward moment followed.
"...um...what just happened?" Serenity asked.
"I...don't know." Joey sat down on a convienent tree stump. "I've been feelin' weird ever since we hit this joint."
"Agreed. I'm feeling weird too. Well, weirder, but you get the idea." Matt sat up and glanced over to the stumps where he had dueled. "Oh, did I beat him?"
"You mean you don't REMEMBER!"
"NO, Tristan! I got knocked out, and then I was punched in the face! People kinda tend to focus on that more!"
"Oh, I'll go look!" Tea said in a huff, and walked over to the stump.
Just then, a random assortment of twisty lines flew off of Yugi's head. My Spider Sense! It's tingling! He looked over to the dueling arena. The STUMP!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Yugi yelled as he flew at Tea. Not...literally, mind you. Like...a flying leap. Do I really have to explain this to you people? You're all smart, intellegent human beings. I think.
Tea turned around just as Yugi crashed into her, sending her metaphorically flying as well. Just then, the timer on the side of the tree stump hit zero, and it exploded, sending chunks of bark and forgotten cards flying in all directions!
"AHHH! MY EYE!" Joey covered his eye, struck randomly by a bit of wood.
"Oh my God!" Serenity looked over at the flattened Tea and Yugi, then to the remaining fire that took the place of the stump. "How did that happen?"
Just then, from the blazing inferno, a figure shrouded in flames leapt at our heroes, a wild, sinister cackling rising into the air! "SURPRISE!"
"It-It can't be!" Matt gasped. "I...I defeated you!"
"I told you! Yami Marik NEVER DIES!" Landing, the orange villian laughed, and held up a golden staff, an eye at the end staring eeriely at the group. "Now I'll take all of your souls with my Millenium Rod!"
"No! You can't!" Tristan shouted.
"TOO LATE!" The center of the eye glowed. "PREPARE TO-"
----------
Ah, MAN! I hate it when they go to commercial just as the good part's coming on!
Might as well go to the bathroom...
(flush)
Ahh...
Ooh, that looks like a good game. I should go get that.
OOH, IT'S STARTING! YAY!
----------
"PREPARE TO DIE!"
Screaming, our hapless, helpless heroes hid behind their hands, unable to do anything but cower before the might of Yami Marik.
WHEN
ALL
OF
A
SUDDEN...
"Fist of the Nose Hair!"
In the most dramatic display of action our limited special-effects budget can afford, two whipping strands of hair swept in from nowhere and struck Yami Marik from both action-packed sides, almost popping his eyes out of his sockets, twisting the villian all about before he landed on the ground with a tremendous smash.
As Yami Marik stood up, his hair...well, it fell down, and revealed the kind of creature the villian really was-a small, stocky, and orange ball-like creature with short arms and legs, and spikes coming out of his back.. "Hey!" Joey whined. "That's not Yami Marik!"
"Really?" Tea sat up and placed a hand on her head, oblivious to Yugi lying across her lap-a position he did not want to leave any time soon. "What gave you that idea?"
The thing-ninja, evil spirit, whatever-glared up at the source of the attack with his big angular eyes. "I had a feeling YOU were behind this!"
Standing on the same tree trunk was a man-quite tall, and rather strong-looking. The most distinguishing features he possessed was a instantly-noticable blond afro. And, for some reason, he was wearing the exact same outfit as Yugi wore, though, in this case, it looked like he was imitating Yami more. His square face turned around, and an extra bit of hair on his forehead was shaped in the exact pattern of Yugi's hair, golden bangs and all.
The gaze behind his sleek sunglasses narrowed at the orange...thing. "Your reign of terror is over, Don Patch," he stated in a moderately deep tone. "Today, I will defeat you and save mankind!"
----------
Lo and behold! What could this newcomer be? Is he a hero? A villian? The narrator's crazy brother who kills people and then steals their identities? I'm sure we don't know the answers to that, but YOU might! I mean, you're all smart, intellegent human beings-at least, some of you are! In any case, be sure to join us next time for:
EPISODE THREE: Twin God Fusion Miracle! Sampling of the Legendary Buttcheek Power!
We give it 3 random lightning flashes
PLEASE, GIVE ME SOME MORE LIGHTNING FLASHES! I'LL DO ANYTHING!
out of 5.