The house that stood before him held a conglomeration of memories. Despair… Happiness… Reunion… Sadness.
One dim light illuminated the front room and Harry could see a shadow occasionally moving inside. He had almost wished, that upon his arrival, he would find the house dark so he could not disturb it. He forced his eyes shut tight and ran his fingers through his hair, pulling on it savagely. He did not want to be here, but he had wandered the streets long enough.
With a tortured sigh, Harry rose from the trunk, dragging it and the Firebolt up to the front door. He noticed his finger shook at he reached out to depress the doorbell. Maybe it was too late to make a house call, it was taking a great deal of time to answer the door.
Just when Harry was going to set the trunk down and sit again, the door opened, and a very confused Remus Lupin looked out at him.
"Harry?"
Harry said nothing but cast his head downward, not wanting to look into Remus's eyes.
Lupin peered around Harry and looked down at the trunk resting on the step behind him. Harry was clutching his most prized possession with little care or concern, and his head hung down wearily.
"Harry?" He asked hesitantly, having an inclination to what the young man was about to divulge. "Are you all right?"
Harry indifferently pushed his glasses up on his forehead and pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to find his voice.
"S-she lied to me Remus. Everything was a bloody lie!"
Remus closed his eyes and exhaled frustratingly. "Harry, you'd better come inside."
"If it's an inconvenience, I can go to - "
"You're welcome at Sirius's house anytime and for any length of time that you like."
Number twelve Grimmauld Place was very different than how Harry had remembered it. Firstly, it was clean, secondly, it looked very homey and was furnished quite nicely. Remus magicked Harry's trunk upstairs to the landing, and led him through the old house, downstairs toward the basement kitchen. Neither of the men said anything to each other as they proceeded into the room.
"Tea?" Remus finally asked, inviting Harry to take a seat at the kitchen table.
Harry shrugged and collapsed into a wooden chair. "Yeah, I guess so."
Remus quickly brewed two cups of tea and joined Harry at the table. "Not to sound ignorant, but we are talking about Ginny aren't we?"
"Don't even say her name." Harry growled. "She knew it all along. Hell, everyone knew it all along. Ron, Hermione - " Comprehension dawned on Harry's face as he looked up at his friend and mentor with shock and slow burn. "You?"
Remus took a sip of the steaming tea, locking eyes with Harry, gauging what he ought and ought not to say. He set the teacup down on the table and sighed. "Yes, I knew. Harry, I'm not going to defend myself. I stand by my decision not to tell you the truth. It wasn't my truth to tell, and you probably would have ended up resenting me even more than you probably do right now. I urged Ginny to tell you the truth immediately after you'd awoken. I've sent her several OWL's over the last month, bidding her to make her confession. She replied with short letters mainly telling me to mind my own business and that she loved you."
Harry grimaced. He was angry, too angry to cry at this point. He didn't want to admit it, but Remus was right. He probably would not have believed him without proof of Ginny's transgressions.
"Do you want to tell me how it was that you came to find out? Was she upfront with you?"
Harry shook his head, he didn't want to talk about it, but chose to answer the question anyway.
"No, she wasn't. I overheard an argument at the Weasley's tonight."
Remus took another sip of tea and nodded slowly. "And what did Ginny say? Did you explode after you left the Weasley's or before?"
Harry slunk down a little further in the chair and scowled a little deeper. "Before. I screamed at her, punched Dean in the face and left."
"You punched him?" Remus inquired incredulously, sloshing his tea over the side of the cup as he set it down.
"Yes, and I don't regret it either." Harry spat, folding his arms across his chest and clenching his teeth firmly.
"I'm truly sorry Harry. I had really anticipated Ginny telling you earlier and making her choice. I didn't figure she'd prolong it for the length of time she did."
Harry leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and letting his head sink down. He was sure his heart was about to burst. "Was she happy, Remus? I mean, until I woke up. Were she and Dean happy?"
Remus took it as a great sign of maturity that Harry could still be concerned about Ginny's well-being.
"It's hard for me to say, Harry. Ginny and I became a bit estranged after her engagement." Remus watched a silent tear roll down Harry's cheek at his words. "I saw her shortly afterwards while visiting you one afternoon. She definitely didn't look as happy as your mum did when your dad proposed to her. We got into quite a row over it. I'm sorry about that, because I think she needed someone to befriend her. I'm not even sure Dean knew how much time she continued to spend with you after they became engaged. Dean works an awful lot, which left Ginny on her own. So she'd come visit you."
A row? Harry wondered what kind of row. Then suddenly it hit him. The voice. The voice he heard arguing with Ginny at St. Mungo's while he was still comatose. "I've been remembering things, from when I was in the coma. I think I remember your argument. Not the words, just the yelling."
Remus nodded shamefully as he stood to get himself another cup of tea. "I'm not proud of myself. We exchanged some awful words. I generally pride myself in keeping my temper and keeping a civil tongue. I'm embarrassed to say I did neither that day. I accused her of betraying your memory."
Harry swallowed with difficulty, and took another drink of his tea. His eyes glanced around the room, not wanting to make eye contact with Remus. "What did she say?"
Remus laughed hollowly. "She reminded me you weren't dead. I responded that you'd die of a broken heart when you found out she was going to be married. I never anticipated in all her loneliness she'd turn to someone else."
That remark seemed to be the catalyst that sent Harry from anger toward despair. His hands shielded his face as he let out an almighty wail that echoed throughout the kitchen. His shoulders shook with each sob as he agonized over the loss of his beloved Ginny.
"She was mine, Remus!" he finally shouted. "Mine! Not because I took her, but because she gave herself to me and I gave myself to her. She told me that she'd be mine forever! She told me I was her one and only! She said she'd never give herself to anyone else!" He finally rested his head on the table, nearly out of breath, his eyes bloodshot and swollen. He continued to murmur. "My Ginny, my Ginny."
Remus finally rose from his chair and pulled on Harry's shoulders. "Come upstairs Harry. We'll get you settled for the night and you can settle yourself in for the long term tomorrow."
Harry dragged himself back through the house and up the staircase to the room he and Ron had stayed in Fifth year. The room looked different but Harry didn't care. He slumped down onto the bed and curled up in the fetal position, ignoring Remus busying himself in the room.
"I'm sorry Harry. I wish it hadn't come to this. Do try to sleep, we'll talk in the morning."
Harry sighed heavily. "Remus, if- if she comes to see me, I don't want to see her."
"We'll talk tomorrow Harry." Remus finished, turning off the lights. "Goodnight. I'm glad you came number twelve." He closed the door and hurriedly returned to the kitchen of the house. He knelt down in front of the fireplace and threw a small handful of powder into the grill. "The Burrow!" He called softly, careful not to alert Harry to his altruistic perfidy.
He knelt down in a quasi-comfortable position when Molly Weasley's head appeared in the fireplace with Hermione and Ron looking over her shoulders.
"Remus! Have you seen Harry, I'm afraid that he's left in a destructive mood and - "
"He's here Molly." Remus interrupted. "Alive but devastated."
Molly brushed her brow. "Oh thank Merlin. Is he all right?"
Remus's face was grim. "Frankly Molly, I'm just satisfied he's alive."
Remus saw Hermione and Ron grasp hands behind Molly and close their eyes, thankful their friend hadn't gone completely mad.
"You haven't heard from Ginny either, have you?"
Remus shook his head. "No, has she left too?"
"Yes," Molly nodded. "I'm worried. Dean is quite tanked, been drinking most of the day, and it's dark and Ginny is alone. If she does show up there, please Floo or Owl. Tell her we love her and want her to come home."
"Fine Molly." Remus added, but Hermione hurriedly interrupted.
"Do you think Harry would see me tomorrow, Remus?"
Lupin shrugged. "I'm sorry Hermione, I don't know. We didn't talk long tonight. He said he didn't want to see Ginny and that was it. You could try calling on him tomorrow, although I can't anticipate what his mood might be."
Hermione shook her head. "I don't care. He can yell all he wants, I'm worried about him."
Remus agreed and asked them to keep the Floo call quiet, not wanting to betray Harry's trust. After the call ended he rose from the floor and brushed off his knees. Silently he crept up the staircase and paused to listen outside Harry's bedroom. Thankfully he was asleep, only the sound of heavy breaths broke the silence.
The yelling. The yelling was more than Harry thought he could take. The words being exchanged weren't pleasant either. He could hear Ginny sobbing nearby and Remus huffing and sighing. Ginny was trying, unsuccessfully to defend her actions meanwhile, Remus was busy trying to speak for Harry, telling her what he would have wanted.
The dream changed. Harry was watching as hundreds or thousands of faceless men were vying for Ginny's attention and she was indulging each and every one of them. She finally noticed Harry staring at her with heartache and disbelief and threw back her head and laughed.
Harry sat up with a gasp, clutching his rapidly beating heart and feeling the perspiration on his face. The memory of his nightmare came back to him as he surveyed his surroundings, trying to ascertain where he was and how he got there. It suddenly occurred to him that his nightmare was based on reality and the real betrayal he felt was twice as painful and scheming as the dream had been.
He drew his knees up to his chest and looped his arms around them. Ginny. Ginny was gone. He had lost her. Or did he give her up? He didn't want to bother with these thoughts at this point. Those were trivial. All he knew was the absence in his heart that was previously filled by her. Her warmth, friendship, care, understanding, and love. It was all gone now.
He quickly rose from the bed, not wanting to bear the thoughts any longer. He wasn't hungry, but he would seek out Remus for a distraction and for some company. Anything to stop thinking of her.
Harry shuffled down the stairs, still dressed in the same clothes he had worn yesterday. He hadn't bothered to take off his shoes or his glasses when he crashed into bed. He swung half-heartedly around the newel post and trudged down the hall to the back of the house, where he was sure Remus would be.
Remus was talking to someone, either in person or in the fire Harry couldn't tell. Was it his fate to just keep overhearing conversations? His pace slowed and Harry tried to hypothesize who might have been in the kitchen.
He prayed it wasn't Ginny, he didn't want to see her. Instinct had always told him when she was around. The awareness of her presence was like a sixth sense- he could just feel her there. It made the hairs on the back of his neck rise, butterflies swarm in his stomach and made his heart thunder loudly in his own chest. Previously he could feel her presence, but today it was absent, she wasn't here.
No other voice had spoken but Remus's and Harry guessed he was indeed making a Floo call, that it was safe to go into the kitchen as long as he kept out of view of the Fireplace.
Harry entered the kitchen and looked around. He hadn't expected this. Ron was seated at the table. Harry spotted abruptly, staring at the two men who sat drinking tea.
Remus instantly quieted and looked expectantly at Harry.
Harry sighed intentionally loud and turned around, instantly retreating from the kitchen. He cursed under his breath as he hear Ron call to him. Harry ignored him and continued through the house and up the stairs. He could hear Ron starting up the stairs behind him.
"Harry? Harry!"
Harry entered his bedroom and pushed the door, but it did not close. He crossed the room, squatted down and opened his trunk to remove a T-shirt and jeans and laid them out on the bed.
He rose as Ron entered the room and slammed the door. Harry pointedly ignored him and began unbuttoning the white shirt he dressed in yesterday before - before it all went wrong.
"Dammit Harry. Fine, you just stand there and listen, you stupid git!"
Harry slid the shirt off his shoulders and stood looking at Ron, waiting for - something.
"Oh hell Harry. I don't even know anymore." Ron offered, slumping down on bed as Harry pulled the T-shirt over his head. He looked straight down at the floor, afraid to make eye contact with Harry in this mood. "This is the biggest mess I've ever seen."
Harry didn't seem eager to respond, he already knew what it was.
"Ginny was in a right state last night. When Dean finally came to, good punch by the way, they had quite a row. She said - "
"I don't want to know what she said." Harry growled. "Don't even say her name."
Harry quickly changed into his jeans and sat back down on the bed next to his friend. If they were still friends.
"Why didn't you tell me Ron? I thought we were friends?" Harry lamented, sinking back onto the bed.
"Harry," Ron started, turning to look at his friend, "I don't know what to say. Ginny's a mess, Hermione's a mess, mum is a mess and so is Dean after my brothers and I finished with him."
"What?" Harry demanded angrily, turning quickly to look at Ron's face. "What happened after I left?"
Ron cracked his knuckles loudly, and clenched his jaw tight. "Well, Dean got a bit shirty with Gin after you left, demanding to know how close the two of you were, how much time you'd been spending together, if she ever really loved him in the first place. He drank quite a bit yesterday, I think he anticipated something, and well, he grabbed a hold of Ginny a bit too firmly for our taste. So, Fred, George, Bill, Charlie and I showed him to the door and walloped his arse on the road back to Ottery St. Catchpole."
Harry said nothing. He wanted to go hunt him down and curse him to wherever he'd sent Voldemort.
"Harry, I think you should talk to Ginny, I mean, to hear the whole story from her. There's some things you need to know."
Harry's eyes darkened as he squinted menacingly. "Ron, you knew the truth and didn't tell me. I don't exactly want to take suggestions from you right now."
"Harry, you're my best mate, Hermione's best friend too. We were worried sick about you, when you came back to us. Ginny made you happy, you made her happy, and she promised to tell you. I approached Ginny about telling you the night you woke up, but you were so fragile. Seeing both of your happiness made it easy to overlook her mistakes. Can you imagine me trying to tell you this? You would have gone spare if I told you Ginny had someone else - "
"Enough!" Harry stated loudly. "I'm going back to bed. Turn off the lights on your way out."
Ron rose from the bed letting Harry stretch out his full length before curling up in a fetal position again. He drew the covers over himself, ending the conversation.
"Ginny loves you Harry! Can't you see?"
Harry laughed hollowly from underneath the blankets. "She loved me so much she lied to me for a month and a half. That's not what I'd call love. Tell Remus I'll come down later."
Ron slammed the door, muttering to himself as he went down the stairs, purposely clunking very loudly the entire way down.
Harry scowled and swore again. He was trying not to think of the things Ron had just said to him about… her. And now, since Ron had not succeeded, Harry could expect a visit from Hermione now too.
"He lives!" Remus teased as Harry shuffled into the kitchen at Grimmauld Place during the early evening.
Harry didn't appreciate the sarcasm, he hadn't eaten in nearly twenty four hours and could smell aromas wafting upstairs. He looked around the kitchen, thankful there were no other guests.
"You received post this afternoon and had a visitor call on you as well. Help yourself to dinner."
Harry didn't want to ask about his post and his visitor, he was hoping Remus would just offer the information. His bare feet made hushed slapping noises on the stone floor as he padded toward the stove. He gazed into a deep pot sitting on the stovetop. Had he ever eaten Remus's cooking? Harry grabbed a ladle and served himself a bowl of what looked like some sort of soup. He joined Remus at the table where an envelope sat.
It was addressed to him in Ginny's handwriting.
"Ginny sent that along with Hedwig."
Harry picked up the letter and closed his eyes. He could almost smell the faintest trace of her purfume on the paper. He forced himself to swallow as he opened his eyes and caught Remus staring at him sympathetically. Harry frowned and strode the length of the kitchen, crumpling the envelope as he did so. He tossed the letter into the kitchen fire and stood to watch it burn thoroughly.
"Am I to do that with all your post?" Remus asked finally.
Harry finally turned his icey stare away from the roaring fire and toward Lupin instead. "Not all of it, just hers."
"Right, well it's not the most mature thing to do, is it? What if she explained herself to you?" Lupin asked when Harry rejoined him at the table.
Harry replied very matter of factly. "I don't want explanations"
Remus tried another approach. "What did Ron have to say this afternoon?"
Harry scooped up a spoonful of the soup and tasted it. Surprisingly, it wasn't bad. "Explanations and excuses." Harry muttered, taking another spoonful.
"Do you want to know who your other visitor was?" Lupin inquired, slowly stirring the soup in his bowl.
"Sure." Harry replied sarcastically.
"Hermione. She'll call back tomorrow."
"She needn't bother."
Remus smiled. "She knew you'd say that, and she insisted." He paused for a minute and let out a sigh. He reached across the table and patted Harry's forearm. "Harry, I can't begin to know how you feel. But I want you to know it's all right to feel saddened. Just don't close yourself off to people who care about you. Tomorrow will look brighter than today."
He squeezed Harry's arm and rose from the table, leaving Harry in solice.
Harry awoke the next morning to the sound of knocking. He knit his brow together and tried to ignore the sound. A baby's cry soon added to the knocking.
Harry rubbed his eyes and threw the covers aside. Luckily he had the sense of mind to put his wrapper on before opening the door in a huff.
He jerked the door open found Hermione standing outside with her twins in little carriers. Liam's face was red from his crying.
"Here, take him out of there, he doesn't fancy it much." Hermione announced, barging in to Harry's room.
Harry relented and took the carrier from Hermione, still a little confused from being awakened so abruptly. With a flick of her wand Hermione made Harry's bed and set Benjamin's carrier down on it.
"We've come to wake grumpy Uncle Harry, haven't we boys?" She said in a girlish little voice. She looked over her shoulder and smiled, trying to gauge his reaction.
He didn't even notice her as he was busy fumbling with the little buckles on Liam's carrier. She'd hoped that his desire to see the twins would give her a little leeway to speak freely with him about Ginny. It seemed to be working.
Harry now had Liam in his arms and was trying to calm him down with soft hushing sounds. Hermione couldn't help but smile.
"I could really go for some tea Harry. Can we go downstairs to the kitchen?"
Harry mumbled an affirmative type sound and retreated from his room with Liam in his arms. Hermione and Benjamin followed him downstairs to the basement kitchen. Remus was sitting at the table reading the Prophet and was eager to take Liam from Harry while he brewed the tea.
Hermione prattled on about all sorts of things while they waited. The babies, the new book she had begun editing, Ron's fathering blunders. She made no mention of Ginny or the Christening.
When Harry finally joined them with tea, Remus took the unspoken cue from Hermione's eyes and offered his excuses while laying the baby in Harry's arms.
Hermione waited until Lupin was out of the room and offered Harry a contrived smile.
"It's no good Hermione, I know why you're here."
She seemed taken aback. "Whatever do you mean Harry. I just thought you might like to see your godsons. What other motive would I have?" Her voice was falsely sweet with a splash of sarcasm.
"Forget it Hermione, I'm not that naïve."
She groaned. "Oh all right. I know you know why I'm here. But I was just so worried about you Harry, especially after Ron told me you were just lying in bed. Harry I can't blame you for being upset."
"Upset?" Harry interrupted, finding it difficult to keep his even so he didn't scare the baby. "Upset is the understatement of the year Hermione. Why, in the name of Merlin, didn't anyone tell me?"
Hermione looked down at Benjamin, trying to avoid Harry's gaze. "Harry, I can only speak for myself. Remus, Ron, The Weasley's, Ginny, they all have to give you their own explanation. I can only say that I put extreme pressure on Ginny to tell you the truth, probably more than anyone, and I kept it a secret because I hoped she'd make the right decision. Harry, Ginny loves you. Really loves you. I don't know why she sought out comfort from Dean, she's always been very reluctant to speak of it, but I know she couldn't stay away from you if she tried. She was choosing you Harry, I gave her an ultimatum. She either had to tell you the truth, or I would. Ginny told me one night while I was in the hospital that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with - "
Harry was slowly shaking his head back and forth. "Hermione." He said sternly. "Don't say her name. I can't take it. It's like a dagger going through my heart. If she loved me, why didn't she say something sooner?"
Hermione countered quickly. "What? Would you have understood and welcomed her deliberations with open arms?" Hermione's voice was growing a little louder and started wavering. "Harry, Ginny was devastated when you were comatose. She sat with you for days. She wouldn't let you go. I can't imagine how she felt when St. Mungo's notified her that you were awake. I'm not asking you to forgive her right off, but at least hear her out, listen to her explanations before you judge her."
Harry finally took a drink of his tea. Yuck. It was cold. He indicated at Hermione's wand and she automatically warmed the tea up again. "Hermione, I trusted her and she broke my heart. What do you want from me? If she really loved me, like I love her, she never would have fallen in love with Dean. What we had was amazing, unlike anything I have ever seen or known. I made up my mind when I stood facing Voldemort on that battlefield in Hogsmeade that I couldn't die. I wouldn't die. I needed to be with Ginny. But if I did die, I'd find a way to come back to her. Death could not have stopped me. True love was at stake. That's a once in a lifetime opportunity and G- she threw it all away. I came back to her didn't I? She didn't hold up her end of the bargain."
Hermione could see and feel his grief, she didn't want to be the one to push him over the edge. She had learned one thing however. Harry still loved Ginny, he said so himself. They sat in silence for many minutes before she spoke again.
"Harry," she began softly, finally bringing herself to meet his green eyes. "We love you, we all love you so much. Don't turn away from us because of our mistakes. We kept the truth from you because we couldn't bear to hurt you any further than you've already been. Don't turn away from us."
Harry spent the rest of the afternoon in bed after Hermione departed with the twins. She hugged him warmly, refusing to let go until he hugged her back. He hated to admit it, but it made him smile.
Dreams visited Harry's mind while he dozed away the afternoon. Dreams of Ginny… and Dean. Very vivid dreams of Ginny in Deans arms in the midst of consummating their relationship. Images that Dean should have never seen. Images and memories that belonged to Harry. It didn't matter if he turned away from the couple, they were always right there before his eyes, unknowingly torturing him.
Harry awoke feeling hot tears stinging his skin. He had to get out of here. He dressed very hurriedly and hollered to Remus that he was leaving for a while. The clock in the hall chimed nine times as Harry Disapparated to The Leaky Cauldron.
The atmosphere inside was murky and poorly lit. A haze of smoke lingered just above eye level throughout the pub. It wasn't very crowded. Was it ever? Harry wondered as he approached Old Tom at the bar.
"Ah, Mr. Potter, what'll ya have?"
Harry ran his hands through his hair and pushed his glasses further up on the bridge of his nose. "It's Harry, Tom. Just Harry, and I'll have a Firewhiskey."
Harry had never had a Firewhiskey before, but there was a first time for everything, wasn't there? He hadn't been old enough to legally drink it before, but he definitely was now. A steaming shot glass full of bright, translucent reddish liquid was placed in front of him. A drip rolled down the side and singed the countertop. Harry's eyes widened. People drink this? On purpose? He debated reordering a Butterbeer, but the images of Ginny filled his head again. The colour of the Firewhiskey was not unlike the precise hue of her hair.
His nerve swelled and he grabbed the shot, gulping it all in one swallow.
It burned. It burned so badly that it made his throat catch as he forced it down. He gasped a breath of fresh air, inhaling deeply hoping to rid his mouth, throat and stomach of awful aftertaste, but a strange thing happened. It felt good. The breath encouraged a lovely cinnamon taste to sizzle pleasantly in the back of his throat, and the awful burning sensation went away. He exhaled, blowing a small wisp of smoke from his mouth.
Harry smiled laying a Galleon on the bar. "Hit me again Tom."
A few hours later, as the shot glasses began to line up on the table he had chosen by the fireplace, Harry began feeling awful. The room was spinning, his vision was blurred, speech was slurred and his legs felt wobbly. It wasn't a great feeling. Harry was feeling very vulnerable as he leaned across the table, savouring the feeling of it's coolness on his face. He giggled a little thinking how pissed Remus would be if he came home pissed. He laughed again at his little joke.
The door opened, sending in a cool breeze from the night air. Harry looked up, blinking in an attempt to clear his vision, he needn't because the image in front of him was as clear as crystal.
It was Ginny.